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Darn it- I blew up this AM

Old 06-24-2012, 12:19 PM
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Darn it- I blew up this AM

When my AH told me this AM that he was going to go play tennis at a place that's a 40 minute drive from home, I asked him, "I hope you're going to wear your seatbelt. The last thing we need is for you to have more trouble with the law." Well, darn it. What was I thinking.

That got him going. He said to me, "I don't need you trying to run my life." To which I said, "Hey, the choices YOU make affect US as a family. I'm just pointing out that getting caught breaking the law will screw us all, not just you." So, then he says, "They don't know I'm not attending my alcohol classes." So, I said, "So, you're just going to lie to a police officer while you're committing a crime?" Then, he said something else that I can't quite remember at the moment but it was in reference to whether the cops would actually check up on his story.

He follows it up with, "Well, let me ask you this then...." And, that's when I shut the conversation down. I told him I was done talking about and left the room. Now, that was a first for me. I used to stand there and let him engage me, I'd listen to him defend his crappy position, and I'd sit there incredulous that he'd actually think I'd believe him.

So, why do I feel so crappy? My son and I left for church and I have been in tears(or fighting back tears) all morning. Of course, it's that time of the month for me too, so that makes me more emotional and I have a freakin' migraine which doesn't help either, LOL!

Honestly, I'm just so ticked off at myself because I've opened up the can of worms that I know I shouldn't have. When he gets home, he'll go hide in his office, avoid me like the plague, and I'll be walking around feeling like I have egg on my face. I guess I was just tired of him talking about going places, putting us in a position where we accept his behavior and we don't, and expecting no response. Well, I gave him a response. Stupid, just plain dumb idea but I had hit my limit and I was tired of feeling like I was being taken advantage of, if that even makes any sense? UGH!
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Old 06-24-2012, 12:47 PM
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Dear Liz, I was having the very thoughts that anvilhead just expressed when I read your post. You two seem to be deadlocked in the Dance. awareness---acceptance---action has been often mentioned on this board as a way of "unlocking" from this snare. My experience with the disease says that this is what truly works.
Why do you "feel so crappy''? I suspect it is because you are trying so hard to control something you can't. It is as if your very survival depends on being able to control him (my read on it). If that is true---naturally you are going to feel crappy.
Lovingly, dandylion.
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Old 06-24-2012, 12:49 PM
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The drinking is almost a side issue with this guy. Drinking or not, he takes risks with the welfare of your family because he believes he is above the law. This is unacceptable.

Also, when I had to take alcohol classes when I got my DUI, they knew who was supposed to be there and if they didn't check in, they were reported to the PO and the Judge. Your husband may be slitting his own throat by not taking this stuff seriously. He can always be sent back to jail if he does not follow the orders of the court. It is what he deserves.
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Old 06-24-2012, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
you see his behavior as a threat to your safety and security (and rightly so i might add). so......accepting that you CAN'T CHANGE HIM, what might be some prudent steps to take to assure your safety and security? you guys are totally locked in The Dance right now.....he keeps doing stupid careless bonehead stuff in spite of the risk and who it may affect, and you keep letting it get to you and acting almost "surprised" when he repeats the same actions. you're taking it personal....

Ugh, The Dance. I danced and danced and danced. Until one day it dawned on me that I was participating. I am not a victim. These things weren't happening to me because of someone else's behavior. They were happening to me because I was allowing it!

Can you begin the process of separating your life from his as much as possible in case the legal problems continue? I know we are on the hook as long as we are married, but at least get on separate insurance policies and such to protect yourself as much as possible?
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Old 06-24-2012, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Ugh, The Dance. I danced and danced and danced. Until one day it dawned on me that I was participating. I am not a victim. These things weren't happening to me because of someone else's behavior. They were happening to me because I was allowing it!

Can you begin the process of separating your life from his as much as possible in case the legal problems continue? I know we are on the hook as long as we are married, but at least get on separate insurance policies and such to protect yourself as much as possible?
Yes, all of these responses are right!!! And, I knew what I was doing and I knew what the outcome would be......so why the he** did I do it? Maybe I was looking for some sort of connection, whether it be negative or not? Maybe I just wanted to see if 'maybe' he would change his tune? DUH, why would I think that?

OK: I touched the stove and it was still hot. Consider myself having learned a lesson. It's hard to NOT take it personal when his actions affect my kid and my bottom line. If he was my long lost cousin doing crap like this I'd blow it off and say, "Not my problem." So, why am I having such a hard time detaching? Obviously, it's because I haven't seen the light yet and keep dreaming. My mom always said that my sister and I live in fantasy land, now I know why.
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Old 06-24-2012, 01:16 PM
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I think it may be because you have things you want to say to him. Even if you know what you have to say won't change anything, you still feel the need to tell him what you think about this situation. I don't really think there's anything wrong with that.

I know when my youngest daughter was going through her ordeal and was still living with me, she seemed to feel she had the right to say whatever was on her mind, regardless of how hurtful it might be, and it was very hurtful. However, when I would try to respond, she would cut me off. Stifle me, and it was infuriating.

I think it's human nature to feel the need to get our feelings out. I'm not saying you were right or wrong, but I certainly understand.
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Old 06-24-2012, 01:30 PM
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Dear Liz, I am noting the interesting remarks your mother made about fantasyland. What do you think she was talking about? (if you care to share) My sister, to this day, seems to do the same thing. We have had some very brisk discussions about this. (she denies it). Am just wondering what the connection might be to the current situation.
dandylion,
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Old 06-24-2012, 01:38 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Maybe I just wanted to see if 'maybe' he would change his tune? DUH, why would I think that?
Well, I can only speak from my experience, but for me it was all about fear of change. I knew that he wasn't going to change, but I still kept 'hoping' he would. Why? Because that would be so much easier than making changes myself. Kinda like hoping you win the lottery because then you wouldn't have to face the tough financial decisions we all have to face. You know it's not going to happen, but as long as you are focused over there you don't have to look at what's over here.

L
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Old 06-24-2012, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Dear Liz, I am noting the interesting remarks your mother made about fantasyland. What do you think she was talking about? (if you care to share) My sister, to this day, seems to do the same thing. We have had some very brisk discussions about this. (she denies it). Am just wondering what the connection might be to the current situation.
dandylion,
Well, for me, it was that I always expected things to work out for the best. I always was staring out the window dreaming of a wonderful Leave it to Beaver life, LOL! My sister, on the other hand, literally couldn't see people's flaws. She and I both always overlooked people's flaws and character issues to the point where it was detrimental to us. My sister thought her husband was her knight in shining armor even when he quit his job so he could spend more time at the strip clubs. I think we both cling to hope and we feel that if we give up on our marriages, that we're failures. She is struggling with her marriage, too. Her husband is living with girlfriend number 1, started smoking pot at the age of 34, has started an affair with girlfriend number 2, and has since lost his job and destroyed his car in the months since he's left my sister. And, I still hear her saying things that make me think she MAY let him back someday in the future. We're 8 years apart in age, but it's obvious our childhood has affected both of and was detrimental to our self esteems.
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Old 06-24-2012, 02:42 PM
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So, I'm reading this book today called, "The Dance of Anger", by Harriet Lerner and came across this:
"Fighting and blaming is sometimes a way both to protest and to protect the status quo when we are not quite ready to make a move in one direction or another."

Oh, why didn't read that BEFORE I blew up this AM, LOL? Well, I'll be darned but that quote sums up ME and how I'm handling things. I bought the book yesterday for my Ipad and I think I'm still in the first chapter and there's so much insight that I think this is a MUST read book for anyone dealing with resentment in a marriage.

Here's another quote from the first chapter: "If feeling angry signals a problem, venting anger does not solve it. Venting anger may serve to maintain, and even rigidify, the old rules and patterns in a relationship, thus ensuring that change does not occur. When emotional intensity is high, many of us engage in nonproductive efforts to change the other person, and in so doing, fail to exercise, our power to clarify and change ourselves."

Definitely looking forward to reading this WHOLE book!
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Old 06-24-2012, 02:48 PM
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It's a process - this thing called detachment. I practice it every damn day. And believe me, I have slipped. Recently. And yes, the stove...its still HOT in my world too.

Keep reading - knowledge is power!
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Old 06-24-2012, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
It's a process - this thing called detachment. I practice it every damn day. And believe me, I have slipped. Recently. And yes, the stove...its still HOT in my world too.

Keep reading - knowledge is power!
Dammit, why doesn't someone just unplug the stove? That would make things so much easier, LOL! It will still be there, yet it will be ineffective.
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Old 06-24-2012, 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Well, I can only speak from my experience, but for me it was all about fear of change. I knew that he wasn't going to change, but I still kept 'hoping' he would. Why? Because that would be so much easier than making changes myself. Kinda like hoping you win the lottery because then you wouldn't have to face the tough financial decisions we all have to face. You know it's not going to happen, but as long as you are focused over there you don't have to look at what's over here.

L
I blushed reading this - the whole lot - I think about the lottery almost every day
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Old 06-24-2012, 03:54 PM
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"Dammit, why doesn't someone just unplug the stove?"

That is up to you to do, keep getting burned or just unplug the stove.

I feel your distress, you are much more patient than me, if it were my hubby putting my financial future at risk...one of us would be gone...I'd choose him.

Take care!
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Old 06-24-2012, 03:56 PM
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Tuffgirl is right about separating your life from his as much as possible- financially and legally. If you're not ready for divorce, maybe a "separation agreement". Yes, many of his actions affect you and your family directly- I know that was what made it difficult for me to detach from this type of behavior. In this situation, I would go with my instincts to protect me and my family as much as possible. By the way, that book is excellent- keep reading!
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Old 06-24-2012, 04:39 PM
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I've been this way. And for me, saying something about the seatbelt would have been because knowing he wouldn't wear the seatbelt would hurt my feelings. I would have felt that if he would wear the seatbelt that would show that he loved and cared about me. So I would expect him to wear the seatbelt and would tell him so. And then, if he didn't, I would be hurt and equate that to him not loving or caring about me.

But in truth, whether or not another person wears a seatbelt has nothing to do with ME.
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