wwww

My boyfriend is a very dependant alcoholic. He dealt with these situations last year: DUI, lost job, drinking vodka in the shower to wake up, long binges, several very self dangerous experiences. Then he got sober. He did it with a only a handful of aa meetings, no sponsor. It was very difficult for him. He could not get close to anyone drinkin. He picked up smoking marijuana, all the time.. He was depressed for much of the whole year. When he became sober from booze, he really wanted it for himself. He was sober 11.5 months. He became sober without me as I was working in another country. We had been apart much of the last 1.5 yrs. We now live together in Japan (which was a terrible place to move) because it is a nation of alcoholics in denile. My boyfriend felt a lot of pressure to drink and I could feel it wearing on him more and more. I drank a couple beers at a couple occasions and he hated it.. I knew I shouldn't drink around him, but felt controlled by his alcoholism and wanted my own freedom. I regret that now that I see he is going back to the way things were. He told me I was his biggest trigger. He told me he was bound to crack and that we should see if he could handle a couple beers here and there. When we are out (partying) he is binging and then sneaking out in the mornings and drinking. and then and then. It is becoming more and more frequent. He, we, set some boundaries, which he has broken them all. He knows and doesn't want to but says he hates Japan and can't quit drinking here. He say's if we go back to the states he can and I should loosen up here. I don't know how. We fight a lot when he drinks. I can't handle it.. I get really mad, and it ruins my night. He gets super sad and it ruins his night. He listens to me quite a bit when I call him out on his actions. He will usually tell me to lighten up because it's only 4 beers, etc. On non (partying) nights, he is not drinking that much. One beer, 3 beers, nothing to worry about, (right). He cannot be alone, without me or he will be drunk. When he is drunk, we don't get along and it's poor for our relationship. He is nowhere near where he was before, but I can feel it working it's way back in... I made him promise not to drink today, when I went hiking. He got drunk, lied a bunch about how much he drank, I got mad, he got sad, told me he feels like a failure everyday in my eyes. He said he is trying but it's never good enough for me. Then he chugged 90% of a bottle of wine to prove he is over listening to me. He left it on the counter as a statement. We have the same job, teaching English, so I feel I will have to cover for him it is very hard to detach from his drinking. Also, he say's he is depressed here and hates it.. We should just move away from the alcohol and start over, but can't with a one year contract and really, I don't think that would really help anyways. His typical alcohol consumption that I know of is: a beer or so on Thursdays, 4 or 5 friday, unlimited on Saturday, meaning 10 or 12 or.. Something on Sunday morning and/or Saturday morning. Sunday 2-3 beers. We put boundaries on no drinking in the week, only drinking with Japanese people, pacing with (anyone at the party), all have been superseeded. He has only been drinking again for 6 weeks. We are nowhere where he used to be. Should I tighten or detach? Hard to detach when you live and work together in a different country, where you don't speak the language and he is your best/only friend here. I'm stressed. Can you help?

ConeyIslandHigh

This is broken-record talk, here.

He IS a failure. Period. And he sets himself up to be one, which is very convenient. My STBXAH said this all the time. It's a way of removing any shred of responsibility for his actions in his own tainted mind. He's right, he's not good enough for you. Believe him.

(((Long-distance hugs to you from the US))) :ghug3

outtolunch

You live in Japan and have a whole country, culture and a new language to discover, none of which involves alcohol. Why not get out and exerience Japan and leave him to his misery. Sure beats trying to control his drinking, eh.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family wwww!

Please pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. We are open 24/7 and have members all across the globe.

When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it

The addiction to alcohol belongs to the other adult in your relationship. You are not responsible for monitoring his drinking or anyother type of babysitting for your adult partner.

Here is a link that contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

wwww

Thanks for all your help. I'll read all the info you gave about the steps. It's very difficult because you never think your stories fits with any of the other blogs posts... yet the answers are similar. ha. It really sucks. I wish he could just stop drinking. As a person, not drinking, he is the most caring and loving person I have ever met. He has given me more love than anyone else ever has... this thing called alcoholism, just messes everything up

Learn2Live

I agree with outtolunch; moving back to the states will not work. There is just as much alcohol and drinking here as there. The only way for him to quit is for him to want to quit. You cannot make him quit and trying to be responsible for someone else's drinking 1) does not work, and 2) is not your responsibility.

holdingontight

I'm glad you posted on this, My boyfriend does all of this only I'm the one that's letting him get away with it more than anyone else because I want to keep him happy, that gives him a way to walk all over me. No more, no more! Wether they love you or not, their first woman is the drink. You should do whatever makes you happy not him no anymore. P.S my boyfriend has been on and off for a year and even though it may take time for him to be in full addicted mode again it will come back. He cant even have one drink, ever.

TakingCharge999

Why don't you reach out to the expat community over there... ? feeling isolated sucks, starting to know other foreigners would help you a great deal. I know one can feel as there is no energy left for anything else but knowing others when I was away with the XABF in a new town was a life saver and totally worth the extra effort.

If I were there I would love to visit the zen gardens, monasteries, art museums and (not even sure if this is near where you are) the Ginza district my mom told me its very beautiful! of course, she went in the 70s...

Hugs
PS He can't blame the location for his actions, alcohol is everywhere

Trilogy

I thought a change in location might help with my husband's alcoholism, so I agreed to live on our sailboat with him to cruise the US east coast, Canadian islands and the Caribbean over this past year. He didn't drink as much during the year, but within 4 days of getting back he was right back to heavy daily use. Learn2Live is right, the only way he will quit is if he wants to quit. It is not your job to monitor his use and the amount of alcohol he drinks really doesn't matter, anyway.

Looking4ward

Completely agree with the last poster. Expat community is the way to go. I was living in Europe and this is what happened to me, too. Unfortunately, I spoke the language and had friends there, but I still felt too scared to strike out on my own in a foreign country. It's a shame that I did not.

You REALLY need support to help you see through this insanity.

I'm going to sound so cliche right now, but you really need to find a community of people who will help you gain perspective on this. From having been through this myself, he's only going to get worse... and then there's that moment when he's going to say he's better than working (mine declared it by throwing his cell phone in the Seine) and then you REALLY won't have anytime.

If you are string enough, I would try to find an apartment with an english speaker or someone you like. If you're in a city, there should be a lot of young people who speak English.

You actually could really have a wonderful time if you could get away.

YOU DID NOT CAUSE HIS BEHAVIOR! Please repeat this to yourself whenever you're feeling low.

Learn2Live

Here is the Al-Anon page for Japan. They have English-speaking meetings.
Al-Anon Tokyo -English Speaking Al-Anon-

theuncertainty

Welcome to F&F, WWWW. I'm glad you're reaching out for support. Just to put something on the table that really jumped out at me, this:

is a complete load. He's blaming you for his choice to drink. And this:

is setting you up to take more blame. It's the "we" part that calls it out, IMO. It's not your job to make sure he only drinks a couple. If he wants to see if he can handle a couple beers, it's all on him. Not you. BTW, generally, the answer to that scenario, at least with AXH (alcoholic ex-husband), was, sure, he can handle a couple for a VERY short while, but it gradually increased (or not so gradually, after a while); and there was always an excuse for the increase.

I also know that it didn't matter if I drank or not around AXH; if he decided to drink, he was going to drink. I could have a drink and he'd have a case or a 5th or ___. I could not drink at all and he'd have a case or a 5th or....

I've always wanted to travel to Japan, to live there... I'd imagine that no matter where you were living, right now alcohol consumption would be in the forefront of the cultural differences you'd see, because that is an issue you're struggling with in your relationship.

Keep reading and posting. Take care.