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help with "no contact"

Old 06-23-2012, 10:41 PM
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help with "no contact"

For those who have successfully gone "no contact"...what are some tools or suggestions that helped you?
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Old 06-23-2012, 11:07 PM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
For those who have successfully gone "no contact"...what are some tools or suggestions that helped you?
My sister and I have both gone no contact with the entire family. Both of us have changed our email addresses and phone numbers. She changed her full name and moved. I moved to the east coast for a while and now to the Midwest. My name is generic enough they will never find me, there are too many of us with the same name. Probably the most important thing we have done for ourselves is we have in no way attempted to make contact with them again. This is what we had to do to survive and now we are learning to live life free of the toxic relationships.
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Old 06-23-2012, 11:31 PM
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Change your email address or send any emails to junk folder and your email will start sending them to junk.

If you cannot block his number in your cell phone, then download a quacking duck ringtone so when your phone rings with quacking duck you will know not to answer.

And anytime you feel the urge to contact him, call someone to talk to or come on here to SR and post. It will get easier.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-24-2012, 12:35 AM
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I stopped talking to his friends, family or anyone who knew him even

At first I thought it would be "for a while"

Then I learned most if not all of these people were on "his side" and did not care much about me, so I reconnected with MY friends, MY family, posted in SR like a mad woman, and made new friends who have nothing to do with alcoholism.

Sports also made a difference.

Also deleting all the pictures and blocking the emails, facebook, etc.

Going NC has restored my sanity and now with a more clear mind I am very grateful I stuck to it even when it was difficult.
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Old 06-24-2012, 12:41 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
For those who have successfully gone "no contact"...what are some tools or suggestions that helped you?
If necessary, a restraining order. Worked for my mom when my dad wouldn't stop bothering her.
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Old 06-24-2012, 06:53 AM
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He's not bugging me. Its more me, missing the old him. I'm not in danger. I just need coping tools more within myself how to get through the vulnerable moments. I'm ok for the most part...but the times where I'm missing my family (including him) being together, I want to reach out. I haven't, but the stirring inside is there...
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Old 06-24-2012, 07:18 AM
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(((hugs))) I'm feeling the exact same feelings.

I've vacated the premises and have been missing the old "him," what we once had together, and how we were first and foremost the very best of friends. But then I remind myself that the love of my life, THAT guy, is GONE. Has been for some time now, traveling further and further away. Not physically*, but mentally. He checked out, and I finally realized it's time for me to journey fourth, too.

So, I've been trying to turn the painful "missing" into healing "mourning".

EDIT: *I take that back, he left physically, in a way, too. It's just that an unfamiliar swollen, pathological liar stayed behind.
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Old 06-24-2012, 07:40 AM
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I know how you feel.......I've always been good at NC, but times I would reach out.
What keeps me from doing it is thinking how I will feel after doing it. The feelings are usually more pain. For the few moments that you feel the "high" of contact, it's not worth the pain felt afterwards.

NC is hard though
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Old 06-24-2012, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
He's not bugging me. Its more me, missing the old him. I'm not in danger. I just need coping tools more within myself how to get through the vulnerable moments. I'm ok for the most part...but the times where I'm missing my family (including him) being together, I want to reach out. I haven't, but the stirring inside is there...
I know how this feels...and what has been successful for me is in these moments, where I feel nostalgic about the "old him" (or I should say the not-real him) I play it forward in my head. What would it look like if I did reach out? How would I feel when he does or says something nasty and cruel again? How far will it set me back this time? And then I go do some reading - Al-Anon and Melody Beattie have great daily readers that can be so supportive in these moments.
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Old 06-24-2012, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
He's not bugging me. Its more me, missing the old him. I'm not in danger. I just need coping tools more within myself how to get through the vulnerable moments. I'm ok for the most part...but the times where I'm missing my family (including him) being together, I want to reach out. I haven't, but the stirring inside is there...
Yeah that's what I realized after I posted, but it's there if your situation ever gets to where he's stalking you or something (which actually isn't uncommon).
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:22 AM
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Just blocked him via text message and email. Rough cuz we share children but we have visitation and financial arrangement in order so we don't need to speak. It hurts todo have done this but I guess I know that it is necessary and a step in the right direction. I am so angry with him right now and his abandonment...don't want to hear anything he has to say anymore. Nothing he says matters anymore.
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by ConeyIslandHigh View Post
(((hugs))) I'm feeling the exact same feelings.

I've vacated the premises and have been missing the old "him," what we once had together, and how we were first and foremost the very best of friends. But then I remind myself that the love of my life, THAT guy, is GONE. Has been for some time now, traveling further and further away. Not physically*, but mentally. He checked out, and I finally realized it's time for me to journey fourth, too.

So, I've been trying to turn the painful "missing" into healing "mourning".

EDIT: *I take that back, he left physically, in a way, too. It's just that an unfamiliar swollen, pathological liar stayed behind.
Thanks for sharing this.
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:03 AM
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I'm sorry sweetteewalls. I am going through something similar. I have been suffering for weeks now, grieving, crying, aching, feel like I'm dying. Finally ate something today after days of not eating. I wake up in the middle of the night several times flushed with debilitating anxiety, feeling like I am going to die. Today I have decided I am just going to keep praying everytime these feelings come up. Two people have told me that this morning so I am just going to do it.
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Old 06-25-2012, 10:21 AM
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((((hugs))))

I have been separated for over a year now and it does get better. A couple of things that helped me.

Like was said above, keep a list of the bad times, just as a reminder of what reality was REALLY like.

When I find myself either talking to her or arguing with her in my head I say to myself " who are you talking to?", that usually stops that in it's tracks. The more you do this the easier it becomes. After a while it would almost happen automatically. It really cut down on the noise in my head.

After a while you begin to settle into yourself and you let go of what you thought might have been.

And last a good saying to help you through this. Pain instructs or it brings more pain.

At some point I got tired of the pain over someone I didn't even love anymore.

Your friend,
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Old 06-25-2012, 03:25 PM
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He just called me on my work line asking why I blocked him. He treats me horribly and has audacity to ask why I block him. I really believe he is in the twilight zone.
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Old 06-25-2012, 03:34 PM
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Yes. Denial.
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Old 06-25-2012, 04:12 PM
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Five easy steps

Step One-- Don't talk to him-- ever.
Step Two-- Don't respond to him-- ever.
Step Three-- Do not listen to or read anything he sends you-- ever.
Step Four-- Do not allow anybody who knows him to talk to you about him-- ever.
Step Five-- Practice Steps One through Four-- forever.

Cyranoak

P.s. Sometimes Step Four necessitates ending friendships and/or family relationships.
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Old 06-25-2012, 09:25 PM
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Cyronak brings up a good point. No contact means cutting out everyone, even his family. It hurts but I have to...he is so sick right now. Talking him does no good, only manages to infuriate me.
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Old 06-26-2012, 03:48 AM
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No contact is something we do for our own peace of mind...I hope that after a period in which your days lack all of his drama, things will become easier.

It does get easier with time!
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