the vanishing act...how to cope?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
the vanishing act...how to cope?
Hi,
gotta revisit this topic in the hopes I can get some coping skills for myself as how to best handle it. RA, sober almost 2 years, this is his MO. Anytime he doesn't like what I say -- i.e., confrontations esp., he vanishes. It's almost like he's punishing me b/c I call him out, or disagree, or argue. I'm not sayin it's all the time, mostly when we get in an argument.
So I find myself walking on eggshells. a lot. I am an open and honest person. Thought he appreciated it in me. I hate to have things sit around and fester, so I will talk about them. He, on the other hand, is an avoidant. Admittedly. Hardly ever argued with ex, but I am not like her!
Right now I am on day three of this after a blowup. I find myself in a turmoil (but I know he's probably not). I text, call, to no avail. Then I worry, and will text him about that too, hoping nothing has happened to him.
Always, he just digs in and totally ignores it all till he's good and ready to respond. It is not a situation of him drinking. But to me it is cruel and callous to treat me like this, and I know he knows exactly what he is doing.
Is this a hallmark of an alcoholic, recovering or not? He certainly holds his share of grudges.
I should add he attends meetings very regularly and SEEMS to be doing ok in his program.
Maybe he's not as recovered as I thought...
Any help/thoughts so very much appreciated. eta: we've been together over two years, but this is getting way worse.
**little lightbulb: this is his problem, not at all mine. If he chooses to act in such a manner, I simply need to try and not react to it, live my own life. So hard when you care and want things to be better...
gotta revisit this topic in the hopes I can get some coping skills for myself as how to best handle it. RA, sober almost 2 years, this is his MO. Anytime he doesn't like what I say -- i.e., confrontations esp., he vanishes. It's almost like he's punishing me b/c I call him out, or disagree, or argue. I'm not sayin it's all the time, mostly when we get in an argument.
So I find myself walking on eggshells. a lot. I am an open and honest person. Thought he appreciated it in me. I hate to have things sit around and fester, so I will talk about them. He, on the other hand, is an avoidant. Admittedly. Hardly ever argued with ex, but I am not like her!
Right now I am on day three of this after a blowup. I find myself in a turmoil (but I know he's probably not). I text, call, to no avail. Then I worry, and will text him about that too, hoping nothing has happened to him.
Always, he just digs in and totally ignores it all till he's good and ready to respond. It is not a situation of him drinking. But to me it is cruel and callous to treat me like this, and I know he knows exactly what he is doing.
Is this a hallmark of an alcoholic, recovering or not? He certainly holds his share of grudges.
I should add he attends meetings very regularly and SEEMS to be doing ok in his program.
Maybe he's not as recovered as I thought...
Any help/thoughts so very much appreciated. eta: we've been together over two years, but this is getting way worse.
**little lightbulb: this is his problem, not at all mine. If he chooses to act in such a manner, I simply need to try and not react to it, live my own life. So hard when you care and want things to be better...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
Dont fall for the assumption that after rehab your partner will suddenly be a better person..
To get to the point of chronic alcoholism a person has to be broken. Recovery if it all will take a lifetime.
We dont change who we are. In your situation his behaviour is like a ten year olds - no one deserves this treatment.
I was with my ex AH PARTNER for 5 years on and off. I just wish I had found this site sooner.
YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE- BE HAPPY.You deserve it.
To get to the point of chronic alcoholism a person has to be broken. Recovery if it all will take a lifetime.
We dont change who we are. In your situation his behaviour is like a ten year olds - no one deserves this treatment.
I was with my ex AH PARTNER for 5 years on and off. I just wish I had found this site sooner.
YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE- BE HAPPY.You deserve it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
A sober jerk is still a jerk. You deserve better. Maybe try not texting or calling next time he disappears. Just enjoy the peace and quiet and do nice things for yourself. When you try to contact him, it makes him feel superior and only serves to please him that you are concerned.
You will decide when you have put up with this crap long enough. Until then, when he pulls his disappearing act, just let him go and don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that you are concerned. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself for a few days.
You will decide when you have put up with this crap long enough. Until then, when he pulls his disappearing act, just let him go and don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that you are concerned. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself for a few days.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
Yes, he is broken. Of course I thought he could be fixed...codie bs. I know I deserve more. All day long, sitting by this damn phone, waiting for something from him. It is 10 year old stuff. And I'm so over it. But I do find myself making excuses for him b/c of his alcoholism. I give him a free pass over and over. He, on the other hand, hands out none for me.
It is plain inconsiderate, rude, insensitive, cold and callous behavior. Speaks volumes about his character I know. Want to get a handle on things, but is it fixable or ?
It is plain inconsiderate, rude, insensitive, cold and callous behavior. Speaks volumes about his character I know. Want to get a handle on things, but is it fixable or ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
Jerk is a jerk is a jerk...amen. Yep, he probably felt oh so good today while I texted and left voice mails, apologizing for what I don't even know anymore. And he knows its what I always do...try and smooth things over. He sits back and enjoys the ride.
You're right, Suki, gotta break the cycle. It's so hard b/c I feel he will keep on going if I don't. And I hate that I feel that way.
You're right, Suki, gotta break the cycle. It's so hard b/c I feel he will keep on going if I don't. And I hate that I feel that way.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
I went through this. I was married for a long time. Over 27 years, He started vanishing I guess after 22 years of marriage. The first time he told me that it was to punish me for starting a fight with him. I didn't start a fight. I was going to get my hair cut, and right before I did, he got the mail, and he found out that a check that our son wrote him bounced, and he started raging, I told him to calm down, and to just call son about it, and work things out. I came back after getting my hair cut, and he was just gone, tried to call him, he wouldn't answer. He came back 4 days later and he told me that it was to punish me, because I was raging about our son.
Disappearances continued. Went from a few days, to a few week, to sometimes over 2 months. Several times during his disappearances he would go to a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. Then he would call, and want to come home, tell me he stopped divorce proceedings, and that he made an appt with a therapist.
My ex was not officially diagnosed, because he lied to about the 5 therapists that he did see, but I was always betting on bi-polar.
Not saying that your H has bi-polar. Just saying that many times alcoholism is not the only diagnoses, sometimes, they are also just a self-absorbed jerk.
I agree, he leaves, go no contact. That's what he's doing. And don't go doing a bunch of research on bi-polar. Alcoholism, bi-polar, or any other problem, the 3 C's.
You didn't cause it,
You can't control it, and
You can't cure it.
Don't waste your life trying to fix him, you can't. He needs to do it himself.
I went through this. I was married for a long time. Over 27 years, He started vanishing I guess after 22 years of marriage. The first time he told me that it was to punish me for starting a fight with him. I didn't start a fight. I was going to get my hair cut, and right before I did, he got the mail, and he found out that a check that our son wrote him bounced, and he started raging, I told him to calm down, and to just call son about it, and work things out. I came back after getting my hair cut, and he was just gone, tried to call him, he wouldn't answer. He came back 4 days later and he told me that it was to punish me, because I was raging about our son.
Disappearances continued. Went from a few days, to a few week, to sometimes over 2 months. Several times during his disappearances he would go to a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. Then he would call, and want to come home, tell me he stopped divorce proceedings, and that he made an appt with a therapist.
My ex was not officially diagnosed, because he lied to about the 5 therapists that he did see, but I was always betting on bi-polar.
Not saying that your H has bi-polar. Just saying that many times alcoholism is not the only diagnoses, sometimes, they are also just a self-absorbed jerk.
I agree, he leaves, go no contact. That's what he's doing. And don't go doing a bunch of research on bi-polar. Alcoholism, bi-polar, or any other problem, the 3 C's.
You didn't cause it,
You can't control it, and
You can't cure it.
Don't waste your life trying to fix him, you can't. He needs to do it himself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by wynter 
It is plain inconsiderate, rude, insensitive, cold and callous behavior. Speaks volumes about his character I know. Want to get a handle on things, but is it fixable or ?
I used to train my XA that it was OK be a jerk because he was a poor alcoholic and his quacking was music to my ears. After 4 long miserable years I learned that :
Take the alcohol out of the asshat and all you have left is a sober asshat.
And... if the alcoholic is around they are quacking and when they are MIA you are worried about them!
Maybe when he surfaces you should be sipping boat drinks in Maui and when he calls tell him "I tried to call you to invite you go with me but you didn't answer the phone. Sorry you missed out... see you in two weeks... maybe."
THAT is training him not to disappear or be rude...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
IMHO, and for me personally, I would find this so called "vanishing" act unacceptable/ dealbreaker
His actions are rude, selfish, inconsiderate, and immature.
Mature adults face their problems, and deal/cope with a situation "together" This guy is not a worthy partner.
I believe you could be sweet as pie, and he would still disappear. he is using the arguing as an EXCUSE for something else. again, just my opinion.
I am sorry you are living in pain, may you find some peace in your journey.
His actions are rude, selfish, inconsiderate, and immature.
Mature adults face their problems, and deal/cope with a situation "together" This guy is not a worthy partner.
I believe you could be sweet as pie, and he would still disappear. he is using the arguing as an EXCUSE for something else. again, just my opinion.
I am sorry you are living in pain, may you find some peace in your journey.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
I've been where you are and it hurts. You have to just think about you and why it is acceptable for him to do this to you? For years I made excuses for my AH and over the years, I got sicker with him. It became ok for him to treat me in such a way. You are deserving of proper treatment...believe in yourself! Make choices that make you feel good inside..over time, you'll start feeling better about yourself. Do what you like, post on here, surround yourself with positive...you are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I have also experienced this and it stings to read your story, it is so familiar. The vanishing addict.
All I know is that silence is an instant hook. It dis-empowers us and empowers the man as he watches his phone light up. It inflates his alcoholic grandiosity and his alcoholic self-centeredness. And it lets him know we are desperate.
His behavior could be the result of years of emotional avoidance by substance abuse, it could be adult ADHD, it could be narcissism, it could be passive-aggressive personality, it could be ACOA issues........
Whatever the root cause, only he can deal with changing this unacceptable relationship-destroying behavior, and if I were you, I would back away until he's had some serious long-term counseling to do so.
All I know is that silence is an instant hook. It dis-empowers us and empowers the man as he watches his phone light up. It inflates his alcoholic grandiosity and his alcoholic self-centeredness. And it lets him know we are desperate.
His behavior could be the result of years of emotional avoidance by substance abuse, it could be adult ADHD, it could be narcissism, it could be passive-aggressive personality, it could be ACOA issues........
Whatever the root cause, only he can deal with changing this unacceptable relationship-destroying behavior, and if I were you, I would back away until he's had some serious long-term counseling to do so.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
I think most of on SR know the "definity of insanity" by doing the same things over and over....expecting different results. But the alcoholics live that insanity. This is where I came up with my SR name.....I continue to learn how to take that definition back, and apply it to myself. They won't change, so you have to!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Just because he is in recovery does not mean he has matured at all yet.
You know. I remembering 'threatening' to run away from when was about 9 or 10 years old. My mom went into my room, packed a small suitcase, came out, handed me the suitcase and 2 10 dollar bills and said "here you go."
Boy did I change my mind i a hurry.
Maybe pack a bag for him and keep it handy, front hall closet, and the next time he pulls this crap, hand him his suitcase and say "here you go."
It will show him in no uncertain terms that his 'game' is up.
And then, of course, no contact, no texting, etc Silently say prayer for hum and give him to HP. While he is gone The Serenity Prayer will help you, and you cannot wear it out.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
You know. I remembering 'threatening' to run away from when was about 9 or 10 years old. My mom went into my room, packed a small suitcase, came out, handed me the suitcase and 2 10 dollar bills and said "here you go."
Boy did I change my mind i a hurry.
Maybe pack a bag for him and keep it handy, front hall closet, and the next time he pulls this crap, hand him his suitcase and say "here you go."
It will show him in no uncertain terms that his 'game' is up.
And then, of course, no contact, no texting, etc Silently say prayer for hum and give him to HP. While he is gone The Serenity Prayer will help you, and you cannot wear it out.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
If you google the silent treatment you will get many hits, have a read.
It's a devastating form of abuse, my x used it often and it would always put me in a tailspin, I would feel completely sick.
I don't miss it at all.
It's a devastating form of abuse, my x used it often and it would always put me in a tailspin, I would feel completely sick.
I don't miss it at all.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is manipulating you, it's all a game to him, he wants to see you groval at his feet. Sick, twisted game, You call, you text, you cry, you beg, you give him all the power, he is the ruler, the king.
What are your bounderies with him?
Also, don't discount the idea that he may be binge drinking, one thing I've learned about dealing with addicts, they are great at decption.
I wish you the best.
What are your bounderies with him?
Also, don't discount the idea that he may be binge drinking, one thing I've learned about dealing with addicts, they are great at decption.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
It's emotional abuse. My AX did it. It took a very long time for me to be able to see that it was abuse, because he would say that he "needed to time to clear his head" and "couldn't take my calls until his head was clear".
Yeah, whatever. It was just another form of emotional abuse on top of the many other types that he dished out to me. Eventually I began to walk on eggshells so as not to upset him and have him run away. And that's exactly what they want: by abusing you, they train you to never bring up anything that THEY don't want to talk about.
I have never disappeared on a single person in my entire life. It would never even occur to me to do that to someone. If I ever get into a new relationship with a man who vanishes, I'll tell you exactly how many times it will happen: once. Because if a guy ever does it to me again, the relationship will be over immediately!
Yeah, whatever. It was just another form of emotional abuse on top of the many other types that he dished out to me. Eventually I began to walk on eggshells so as not to upset him and have him run away. And that's exactly what they want: by abusing you, they train you to never bring up anything that THEY don't want to talk about.
I have never disappeared on a single person in my entire life. It would never even occur to me to do that to someone. If I ever get into a new relationship with a man who vanishes, I'll tell you exactly how many times it will happen: once. Because if a guy ever does it to me again, the relationship will be over immediately!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
Thank you all for your support. Yes, emotional abuse, and he has me feeling so very sick. Even physically it hurts to the core. I'm not sleeping, no appetite, and can't seem to get myself going here. In a tailspin from this, and trying hard to regain balance and make sense.
Of course, there is no sense in his actions. And they are manipulative, and I do feel he gets off watching his phone light up and my numerous texts come through. This time, though, I think he may be done with the relationship. Even though this has been common practice, this time is a little different. He was so angry with me, he hung up...more rudeness, insensitivity here.
Someone else posted on here about how they do this at the end of a relationship, just walk away and not look back. How can they do that???? If it is truly over, I feel like I at least deserve the respect of a conversation telling me so. That's what I need to move on. This to me is such utter rejection and it is cutting me to pieces. And I'm sure he knows it, and is doing just FINE...for now.
We have been together over two years as a couple. I stood by him (as most of us here did I'm sure), totally in his corner while he went through his own personal hell. This is what I'm left with?? This. This is just incomprehensible to me. I am a kind good person. I treat him with respect and love at all times. I have NEVER vanished on him. It is not in my nature.
I have to stop obsessing over this, and for sure should not call or text him again.Need to keep my dignity and self-respect. But I am so so sad, b/c I think he is gonna keep on walking right out of my life forever, without any explanation.
Waiting for him to do the right thing, man up and tell me straight up how things are. What do you think my odds are??? I still love this man, and don't want it to end.There is a lot of good, but this behavior is more than disturbing to me. It speaks of a lack of respect for me and total disregard for my feelings. Should I just back off and wait?
Of course, there is no sense in his actions. And they are manipulative, and I do feel he gets off watching his phone light up and my numerous texts come through. This time, though, I think he may be done with the relationship. Even though this has been common practice, this time is a little different. He was so angry with me, he hung up...more rudeness, insensitivity here.
Someone else posted on here about how they do this at the end of a relationship, just walk away and not look back. How can they do that???? If it is truly over, I feel like I at least deserve the respect of a conversation telling me so. That's what I need to move on. This to me is such utter rejection and it is cutting me to pieces. And I'm sure he knows it, and is doing just FINE...for now.
We have been together over two years as a couple. I stood by him (as most of us here did I'm sure), totally in his corner while he went through his own personal hell. This is what I'm left with?? This. This is just incomprehensible to me. I am a kind good person. I treat him with respect and love at all times. I have NEVER vanished on him. It is not in my nature.
I have to stop obsessing over this, and for sure should not call or text him again.Need to keep my dignity and self-respect. But I am so so sad, b/c I think he is gonna keep on walking right out of my life forever, without any explanation.
Waiting for him to do the right thing, man up and tell me straight up how things are. What do you think my odds are??? I still love this man, and don't want it to end.There is a lot of good, but this behavior is more than disturbing to me. It speaks of a lack of respect for me and total disregard for my feelings. Should I just back off and wait?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 317
I grew up in an abusive household. Life was crazy and out of control. Bad things would blow up out of nowhere and I usually ended up suffering when that happened. I learned to be very sensitive to the emotional currents in the house...just as a form of protection. That didn't work, BTW, crazy stuff still happened on a regular basis and I still suffered until the day I left that place.
As an adult, I was still incredibly sensitive the things going on around me. I wondered if people were talking about me. If people liked me. If my spouse was angry with me. I imagined that I was so talented at "reading" people that I knew what they were thinking.
In recovery, I learned that I'm actually horrible at reading people. I learned that if I want to know what people are thinking, I have to ask them. Even when I'm sure I know what they're thinking or feeling...I'm usually wrong.
I also learned that when it comes to other people, their behavior is mostly not about me. Shakespeare said "Life's a play," and I think we all write, produce, direct and play in our own little drama's. When another character enters our stage, their actions and dialogue are all part of our little play, all part of our continuing soap opera. We build backstories for each character, and assign meaning to every word they utter. But in reality, what's going on in other peoples heads...mostly it's not about us.
I don't think we can help it. I think we do it because life is crazy and we spend a lot of time trying to predict what other people are going to do to "protect" ourselves...and it makes us crazy.
The longer I'm in recovery, the more I think that all of our suffering comes not from the outside, not from how other people treat us. Our suffering comes from the inside, from how we feel about how other people treat us.
As an adult, I was still incredibly sensitive the things going on around me. I wondered if people were talking about me. If people liked me. If my spouse was angry with me. I imagined that I was so talented at "reading" people that I knew what they were thinking.
In recovery, I learned that I'm actually horrible at reading people. I learned that if I want to know what people are thinking, I have to ask them. Even when I'm sure I know what they're thinking or feeling...I'm usually wrong.
I also learned that when it comes to other people, their behavior is mostly not about me. Shakespeare said "Life's a play," and I think we all write, produce, direct and play in our own little drama's. When another character enters our stage, their actions and dialogue are all part of our little play, all part of our continuing soap opera. We build backstories for each character, and assign meaning to every word they utter. But in reality, what's going on in other peoples heads...mostly it's not about us.
I don't think we can help it. I think we do it because life is crazy and we spend a lot of time trying to predict what other people are going to do to "protect" ourselves...and it makes us crazy.
The longer I'm in recovery, the more I think that all of our suffering comes not from the outside, not from how other people treat us. Our suffering comes from the inside, from how we feel about how other people treat us.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You have been held hostage for two years now. I do not see you in a "relationship" you are in a toxic situation. There is absolutely nothing healthy about the way you are living.
What are your odds???? Odds for what???
(saying this with sensitivity) but.......
You can either to continue living this chaos, or accept the situation for what it truly is. He has shown you who he is, and you are not liking it, that my friend, is your answer.
Back up and wait for what??? I have heard it said on these boards that we often give addiction to much credit. There is no future with a man who has no respect for YOU or himself.
Personally, it would be a cold day in hell before I would ever beg a man to come home. He is just torturing/punishing you, is this really what you want? You deserve so much better, my friend.
Time to take your life back. Exit the crazytrain.
What are your odds???? Odds for what???
(saying this with sensitivity) but.......
You can either to continue living this chaos, or accept the situation for what it truly is. He has shown you who he is, and you are not liking it, that my friend, is your answer.
Back up and wait for what??? I have heard it said on these boards that we often give addiction to much credit. There is no future with a man who has no respect for YOU or himself.
Personally, it would be a cold day in hell before I would ever beg a man to come home. He is just torturing/punishing you, is this really what you want? You deserve so much better, my friend.
Time to take your life back. Exit the crazytrain.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Closure is overrated. My AX wanted to talk on the phone and get closure after I made him move out. He said he was upset that the break up happened so suddenly and he wanted to work through what happened for closure.
It is unbelievable to me that he thinks it happened so suddenly. I put up with over two years of garbage from his drinking and at the end, I made it clear that his drinking was causing me to fall out of love with him. Finally, after a really bad binge, I gave him the ultimatum: booze or me. And two weeks later, he drank again. So it stupifies me that he sees our break up as "sudden". It's not like he didn't have abundant warning.
I won't talk to him and give him closure. The kind of closure that I think he really needs is to be alone with his thoughts and ponder what happened.
People walk away all the time. People abandon their loved ones and treat them callously. It is shocking to those of us who would never do that, but if you think about how it happens every day to people everywhere, it becomes less shocking. It is what it is. Love means nothing to someone in active addiction. It's best to accept that the relationship YOU were having is not the relationship HE was having. Hard to wrap your mind around, but true.
He's walking away and not looking back. Take back your power and do the same. It won't be easy, but it will hurt a lot less than trying to figure out someone who is functionally insane.
It is unbelievable to me that he thinks it happened so suddenly. I put up with over two years of garbage from his drinking and at the end, I made it clear that his drinking was causing me to fall out of love with him. Finally, after a really bad binge, I gave him the ultimatum: booze or me. And two weeks later, he drank again. So it stupifies me that he sees our break up as "sudden". It's not like he didn't have abundant warning.
I won't talk to him and give him closure. The kind of closure that I think he really needs is to be alone with his thoughts and ponder what happened.
People walk away all the time. People abandon their loved ones and treat them callously. It is shocking to those of us who would never do that, but if you think about how it happens every day to people everywhere, it becomes less shocking. It is what it is. Love means nothing to someone in active addiction. It's best to accept that the relationship YOU were having is not the relationship HE was having. Hard to wrap your mind around, but true.
He's walking away and not looking back. Take back your power and do the same. It won't be easy, but it will hurt a lot less than trying to figure out someone who is functionally insane.
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