the vanishing act...how to cope?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I believe we give ourselves closure. You will never get it from him because he will never be able to adequately explain why he does the things he does. They don't make sense and his thinking is vastly different from your thinking. Things that make complete sense to him will be like Greek to you.
You do not have to tolerate this. You have no idea what he does while he is gone and who he may be with and what diseases he may be bringing home. This would be a total deal breaker for me. You do not deserve this kind of treatment. I don't know your specific circumstances, but if it were me, I would start working to get myself into a position to just not be there when he comes back the next time. Do you work? Do you have your own bank account that he doesn't have access to? Do you have any relatives you could stay with until you were able to get on your feet? These are all questions I would be asking myself and getting my ducks in a row to take back my life. This guy doesn't deserve you and you certainly do not deserve his abuse, and it IS abuse.
You do not have to tolerate this. You have no idea what he does while he is gone and who he may be with and what diseases he may be bringing home. This would be a total deal breaker for me. You do not deserve this kind of treatment. I don't know your specific circumstances, but if it were me, I would start working to get myself into a position to just not be there when he comes back the next time. Do you work? Do you have your own bank account that he doesn't have access to? Do you have any relatives you could stay with until you were able to get on your feet? These are all questions I would be asking myself and getting my ducks in a row to take back my life. This guy doesn't deserve you and you certainly do not deserve his abuse, and it IS abuse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by wynter 
Always, he just digs in and totally ignores it all till he's good and ready to respond.
It's a game, and a very immature one. But it works, if you let it. He plays your emotions, keeps you in turmoil and upset, and its working!
The only way to win the game is not to play.
P.S. Closure for someone else is BS. Closure is for you, about you, given to you by you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Google "four horsemen of marriage." One of the four horsemen is stonewalling. It's devastating. My Ah did this to me often. It's emotional abuse.
I finally had enough of it and am enjoying living without the eggshell flooring.
I finally had enough of it and am enjoying living without the eggshell flooring.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
this website helped me a great deal. Sounds passive aggressive, which sends me into hysterics if I'm not on top of my game, which apparently right now I aint...
Get Your ANGRIES Out
Get Your ANGRIES Out
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
My AH often gave me the silent treatment, sometimes for a couple of days. And, for varied reasons... We got into a circular argument, or I had to go on a business trip, or I went to visit my family over Christmas (and he would always have an excuse why he just couldn't come along), or the worst offense... I got my hair trimmed a few inches (my hair is quite long). Whenever he did that, I would totally lose my cool. The first few times, I calmly explained that I needed more from my partner, that I expected to maintain communication with my partner no matter what happened. So what? Nothing changed, except I got to learn how to deal with a non-communicative partner on a fairly regular basis. I didn't deal well with it even after ten years.
About a month after he kicked me out of our home (for the 2nd time), I picked up a book called "the emotionally abusive relationship.". I knew the silent treatment was an immature way of relating to people, but I was floored when I saw a list of other forms of emotional abuse, and I could put a solid check mark next to most of them. Silence is just one tool in an abuser's belt. It's a way of diminishing and punishing the partner as though we were to blame. I find it incredibly disrespectful, and a huge red flag now.
I tend to agree with the other posters who say that this behavior is extremely immature and that I would never engage in it. I have had only one exception, very recently, with my AH. I have not spoken to him or emailed with him in months. I am sheepish about this because I don't want to be stooping to his level. But, to be fair, I was very clear about what I needed for communication to carry on. You know, no blaming, guilt-tripping, or other manipulative language, consistently. His solution was to ask for a divorce after not trying any real communication for a month. That was nearly two months ago, and I still have no desire to contact him. I honestly just don't know how to deal with this situation any more. I wonder if he felt this overwhelmed when I got my haircut. I guess it's possible if his maturity level is so low...
Sorry this was so long. I guess a nerve was touched. It feels good to get this out though.
Thanks.
Fathom
About a month after he kicked me out of our home (for the 2nd time), I picked up a book called "the emotionally abusive relationship.". I knew the silent treatment was an immature way of relating to people, but I was floored when I saw a list of other forms of emotional abuse, and I could put a solid check mark next to most of them. Silence is just one tool in an abuser's belt. It's a way of diminishing and punishing the partner as though we were to blame. I find it incredibly disrespectful, and a huge red flag now.
I tend to agree with the other posters who say that this behavior is extremely immature and that I would never engage in it. I have had only one exception, very recently, with my AH. I have not spoken to him or emailed with him in months. I am sheepish about this because I don't want to be stooping to his level. But, to be fair, I was very clear about what I needed for communication to carry on. You know, no blaming, guilt-tripping, or other manipulative language, consistently. His solution was to ask for a divorce after not trying any real communication for a month. That was nearly two months ago, and I still have no desire to contact him. I honestly just don't know how to deal with this situation any more. I wonder if he felt this overwhelmed when I got my haircut. I guess it's possible if his maturity level is so low...
Sorry this was so long. I guess a nerve was touched. It feels good to get this out though.
Thanks.
Fathom
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by wynter
Thank you all for your support. Yes, emotional abuse, and he has me feeling so very sick. Even physically it hurts to the core. I'm not sleeping, no appetite, and can't seem to get myself going here. In a tailspin from this, and trying hard to regain balance and make sense.
Of course, there is no sense in his actions. And they are manipulative, and I do feel he gets off watching his phone light up and my numerous texts come through. This time, though, I think he may be done with the relationship. Even though this has been common practice, this time is a little different. He was so angry with me, he hung up...more rudeness, insensitivity here.
Someone else posted on here about how they do this at the end of a relationship, just walk away and not look back. How can they do that???? If it is truly over, I feel like I at least deserve the respect of a conversation telling me so. That's what I need to move on. This to me is such utter rejection and it is cutting me to pieces. And I'm sure he knows it, and is doing just FINE...for now.
We have been together over two years as a couple. I stood by him (as most of us here did I'm sure), totally in his corner while he went through his own personal hell. This is what I'm left with?? This. This is just incomprehensible to me. I am a kind good person. I treat him with respect and love at all times. I have NEVER vanished on him. It is not in my nature.
I have to stop obsessing over this, and for sure should not call or text him again.Need to keep my dignity and self-respect. But I am so so sad, b/c I think he is gonna keep on walking right out of my life forever, without any explanation.
Waiting for him to do the right thing, man up and tell me straight up how things are. What do you think my odds are??? I still love this man, and don't want it to end.There is a lot of good, but this behavior is more than disturbing to me. It speaks of a lack of respect for me and total disregard for my feelings. Should I just back off and wait?
Of course, there is no sense in his actions. And they are manipulative, and I do feel he gets off watching his phone light up and my numerous texts come through. This time, though, I think he may be done with the relationship. Even though this has been common practice, this time is a little different. He was so angry with me, he hung up...more rudeness, insensitivity here.
Someone else posted on here about how they do this at the end of a relationship, just walk away and not look back. How can they do that???? If it is truly over, I feel like I at least deserve the respect of a conversation telling me so. That's what I need to move on. This to me is such utter rejection and it is cutting me to pieces. And I'm sure he knows it, and is doing just FINE...for now.
We have been together over two years as a couple. I stood by him (as most of us here did I'm sure), totally in his corner while he went through his own personal hell. This is what I'm left with?? This. This is just incomprehensible to me. I am a kind good person. I treat him with respect and love at all times. I have NEVER vanished on him. It is not in my nature.
I have to stop obsessing over this, and for sure should not call or text him again.Need to keep my dignity and self-respect. But I am so so sad, b/c I think he is gonna keep on walking right out of my life forever, without any explanation.
Waiting for him to do the right thing, man up and tell me straight up how things are. What do you think my odds are??? I still love this man, and don't want it to end.There is a lot of good, but this behavior is more than disturbing to me. It speaks of a lack of respect for me and total disregard for my feelings. Should I just back off and wait?
I don't consider my AXBF's vanishing act and refusal to talk to be the silent treatment though. I just consider it a relapse. I have been through this before so I know what it looks like (and read about plenty of the same here on SR). I know that I have nothing to do with the reason he is gone, and I know this despite what blame he puts on me for the "relationship" breaking up. He chose to leave so that he can party and be free from anyone who will tell him it's a bad idea. He left his home, which he has cared for lovingly, and half of his worldly belongings, and is off running around doing whatever with whomever. All because, as he says, "I don't feel the same way about you anymore." Which was a complete surprise to me given his behavior the past 6 months. I didn't see it coming. It hit me like a freight train. I am still in shock.
I don't think anyone can tell you the odds of him manning up and telling you straight what is going on. Because I doubt very seriously he CAN tell you what he is doing. There is a thing called Cognitive Dissonance and the way I understand it is, cognitive dissonance is the anxiety a person gets when their BEHAVIOR does not match their THOUGHTS. With alcoholics and addicts, the drinking and drugging comes FIRST. So they HAVE TO adjust their thoughts to match the behavior. Those of us closest to them become their scapegoats. They blame US and resent us for what they blame us for, so that they can continue to drink and/or drug. They don't want to talk to us because what we have to say is the opposite of what they HAVE TO believe in order to keep drinking. This is why it is very important to me to maintain as much composure as possible whenever I do speak with him. Because whatever bad behavior I have, he will use against me in his own mind, and in speaking with others. Not saying I am any good at maintaining my composure at this juncture, but I do try. Going to therapy about it tomorrow.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Just want to say how much I appreciate you all for the insight and health you demonstrate.
I had no idea that the silent treatment and/or disappearing are abusive! My AX did it all the time...not reply when spoken to, etc.
Drove me crazy right from the start...I was always doing acrobatics to try and get him to see that I didn't like it.
I just hate how I have such a hard time "being" alone. What an addict I am.
But anyway, now that I've gotten some important understanding from this thread, I see why I am sooooo glad I didn't reply to a recent email from him. The pattern since he's been gone (A year!!) is that I get desperate with lonely craving, and send an email. If it's a yearning I neeeeeeed you email, I get a reply that sounds loving. If it's a critical email from me, trying once again to make him SEEE how he's hurting himself and me, then no response at all.
anyway.....thank you for this thread and for all the wise wise wise comments.
And about "Closure"-----imho, it's just a continuation of trying to get that emotional fix.
I had no idea that the silent treatment and/or disappearing are abusive! My AX did it all the time...not reply when spoken to, etc.
Drove me crazy right from the start...I was always doing acrobatics to try and get him to see that I didn't like it.
I just hate how I have such a hard time "being" alone. What an addict I am.
But anyway, now that I've gotten some important understanding from this thread, I see why I am sooooo glad I didn't reply to a recent email from him. The pattern since he's been gone (A year!!) is that I get desperate with lonely craving, and send an email. If it's a yearning I neeeeeeed you email, I get a reply that sounds loving. If it's a critical email from me, trying once again to make him SEEE how he's hurting himself and me, then no response at all.
anyway.....thank you for this thread and for all the wise wise wise comments.
And about "Closure"-----imho, it's just a continuation of trying to get that emotional fix.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
So much wisdom here on this board -- a heartfelt thank you to all of you. Today I decided I had to push myself out of the house and do something worthwhile to try and take my mind off of things. So I took a very long drive...didn't work all that much, crying on the way home, but after reading all your post I do actually feel a little better to know others understand what I'm going through.
I still haven't heard from him today. We don't live together, just been a couple for over two years. I do believe if we did live in the same household there would be no doubt in my mind that it would be unacceptable. Somehow the rules & expectations are loosened up a bit when you're living separately, I think.
I know for many women this would be a deal breaker. And I also believe that the hat you wear is the hat that you will continue to wear! So right from the get go you have to set your standards...that's where I went wrong, b/c I now can see I gave him way too much latitude and control, and allowed this to become a pattern -- possibly b/c of the alcoholism free pass I gave so freely.
Something has to give for sure. I am tryin very hard to keep myself from falling apart here. I am not now concerned he is drinking or hanging out with other women -- don't think that's happening. Partly, though, I have a feeling that he is disturbed by what went down between us, and is perhaps following his sponsor's/friends advice by not contacting me to keep his sobriety intact. Just a thought that won't go away. Not an excuse most definitely for his callous insensitive behavior, but somethin I've been pondering.
GF said same thing to me that one of the other posters here shared, that this sort of thing happens all the time. Still, being blindsided, this is hard to accept right now.
I truly appreciate everyone's support.
I still haven't heard from him today. We don't live together, just been a couple for over two years. I do believe if we did live in the same household there would be no doubt in my mind that it would be unacceptable. Somehow the rules & expectations are loosened up a bit when you're living separately, I think.
I know for many women this would be a deal breaker. And I also believe that the hat you wear is the hat that you will continue to wear! So right from the get go you have to set your standards...that's where I went wrong, b/c I now can see I gave him way too much latitude and control, and allowed this to become a pattern -- possibly b/c of the alcoholism free pass I gave so freely.
Something has to give for sure. I am tryin very hard to keep myself from falling apart here. I am not now concerned he is drinking or hanging out with other women -- don't think that's happening. Partly, though, I have a feeling that he is disturbed by what went down between us, and is perhaps following his sponsor's/friends advice by not contacting me to keep his sobriety intact. Just a thought that won't go away. Not an excuse most definitely for his callous insensitive behavior, but somethin I've been pondering.
GF said same thing to me that one of the other posters here shared, that this sort of thing happens all the time. Still, being blindsided, this is hard to accept right now.
I truly appreciate everyone's support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
And about "Closure"-----imho, it's just a continuation of trying to get that emotional fix.
Thank you...ohhhh so true.
Learn2Live...Right there walking with you. We will both get through this. We are STRONG (bulletproof!)
Thank you...ohhhh so true.
Learn2Live...Right there walking with you. We will both get through this. We are STRONG (bulletproof!)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
XA and I always maintained separate homes.
In retrospect, the simple fact that he had his booze den to whole up in, and he was out of my hair probably contributed to my staying in the situation as long as I did.
"Out of sight, out of mind" was just a band-aid, it did not change the fact that he was a lying, manipulating, obsessive, self absorbed drunk!
Keep pushing your self forward. The fog will lift. There truly is a blue sky above.
In retrospect, the simple fact that he had his booze den to whole up in, and he was out of my hair probably contributed to my staying in the situation as long as I did.
"Out of sight, out of mind" was just a band-aid, it did not change the fact that he was a lying, manipulating, obsessive, self absorbed drunk!
Keep pushing your self forward. The fog will lift. There truly is a blue sky above.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
'Obsessive, self-absorbed' drunk or recovered, doesn't seem to matter. I'm seeing that loud & clear -- something about their make-up, it lingers there forever. Might step on some toes sayin this, but to me AA confirms this message over and over...they are number ONE!!!!! No room left in the bottle for anyone else. But they never see it like that, it's just their RECOVERY!!!!!! GAH!
Marie, you are right, blue sky above me right now. A new day...although last night was again so sucky. Not much sleep, feeln awful. I gotta push forward with myself, stop dwelling on it. He is still awol. Beginning to think, as others said here, that he has enjoyed my hysteria -- texts, vm's and emails -- so he isn't hurting like me. In his skewed mind he feels good that I am doing all of that. So right now he isn't afraid he's lost me, b/c I'm still giving him reactions. He's just sitting back, waiting for the next one to enjoy.
How stupid I've been. Clearly I have to stop. BUT...I still need to figure it out. At least that's how I'm feeln right now. After googling 'silent treatment' as someone on here said to do I was amazed how much it mirrored everything I was feeling, and how totally abusive it is. It makes sense to me now why I'm such a basket case here. Gotta pull it together.
Marie, you are right, blue sky above me right now. A new day...although last night was again so sucky. Not much sleep, feeln awful. I gotta push forward with myself, stop dwelling on it. He is still awol. Beginning to think, as others said here, that he has enjoyed my hysteria -- texts, vm's and emails -- so he isn't hurting like me. In his skewed mind he feels good that I am doing all of that. So right now he isn't afraid he's lost me, b/c I'm still giving him reactions. He's just sitting back, waiting for the next one to enjoy.
How stupid I've been. Clearly I have to stop. BUT...I still need to figure it out. At least that's how I'm feeln right now. After googling 'silent treatment' as someone on here said to do I was amazed how much it mirrored everything I was feeling, and how totally abusive it is. It makes sense to me now why I'm such a basket case here. Gotta pull it together.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Here's some preemptive advice:
When you do stop following him around, weeping and gnashing your teeth in dispare--and you will, trust me--he will turn on the charm like you've never seen. Well, that and vaccillate between even more abusive and angry crap, and charming like you've never seen.
It's mind blowing, but a clear affirmation that you're dealing with someone hardwired for manipulation.
Just be aware. I'll never forget when I first sorted out how to let AH go. He had moved out and slept around and I said ok, goodbye and then TA-DA! He moved back home.
I thought it was because he LOOOOOOVED me. But no. It was to continue the dance of madness, so he wasn't alone.
Please keep coming here and reading and posting. We'll be here.
When you do stop following him around, weeping and gnashing your teeth in dispare--and you will, trust me--he will turn on the charm like you've never seen. Well, that and vaccillate between even more abusive and angry crap, and charming like you've never seen.
It's mind blowing, but a clear affirmation that you're dealing with someone hardwired for manipulation.
Just be aware. I'll never forget when I first sorted out how to let AH go. He had moved out and slept around and I said ok, goodbye and then TA-DA! He moved back home.
I thought it was because he LOOOOOOVED me. But no. It was to continue the dance of madness, so he wasn't alone.
Please keep coming here and reading and posting. We'll be here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
Thank you for that...food for thought. Yes, it's the dance we do, that I ALLOW. I guess I didn't see the manipulation b/c it was so veiled, basically passive-aggressive bs. Never thought about him not wanting to be alone...but now I see that makes sense, how he fills up his days and nights with sooooo much stuff, so he doesn't have time to sit with himself. He literally is gone 10, 12 hours a day and then just passes out from exhaustion. I could never understand it, and it seems to have gotten worse into his recovery, surprisingly.
So me doing all this jumping up and down is a feel good to him, ego stroke. Yah, he's still got me he thinks, so he doesn't feel the need to do anything to make it right. He'll fill up his day today, got his running friend for the nite, and not give our relationship another thought. And he will sleep just fine tonight...while I am up after 4 hours wide awake.
I hate this. But I see I'm my own worse enemy ruminating obsessively over this stupid man and the whys of him not responding, and how he can be so damn cruel. He just is that cruel. It was always there.
So me doing all this jumping up and down is a feel good to him, ego stroke. Yah, he's still got me he thinks, so he doesn't feel the need to do anything to make it right. He'll fill up his day today, got his running friend for the nite, and not give our relationship another thought. And he will sleep just fine tonight...while I am up after 4 hours wide awake.
I hate this. But I see I'm my own worse enemy ruminating obsessively over this stupid man and the whys of him not responding, and how he can be so damn cruel. He just is that cruel. It was always there.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
I have also experienced this and it stings to read your story, it is so familiar. The vanishing addict.
All I know is that silence is an instant hook. It dis-empowers us and empowers the man as he watches his phone light up. It inflates his alcoholic grandiosity and his alcoholic self-centeredness. And it lets him know we are desperate.
His behavior could be the result of years of emotional avoidance by substance abuse, it could be adult ADHD, it could be narcissism, it could be passive-aggressive personality, it could be ACOA issues........
Whatever the root cause, only he can deal with changing this unacceptable relationship-destroying behavior, and if I were you, I would back away until he's had some serious long-term counseling to do so.
All I know is that silence is an instant hook. It dis-empowers us and empowers the man as he watches his phone light up. It inflates his alcoholic grandiosity and his alcoholic self-centeredness. And it lets him know we are desperate.
His behavior could be the result of years of emotional avoidance by substance abuse, it could be adult ADHD, it could be narcissism, it could be passive-aggressive personality, it could be ACOA issues........
Whatever the root cause, only he can deal with changing this unacceptable relationship-destroying behavior, and if I were you, I would back away until he's had some serious long-term counseling to do so.
I finally stopped engaging because it's absurd behavior & it made me feel insane & shattered. I don't think I could have done anything while he was actively drinking to change this behavior; by working his program & honestly digging into his deeper emotional issues he's been developing & using other recovery tools instead. He still struggles with communication, but he truly seems to be trying.
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