Thumper

I've been thinking about this a long long long long time. I have turned it all around and I don't know what the right way to handle this is. I've typed this post more then once over the last two years and always deleted it.

My children have a half sister they do not know a thing about. Their dad has a daughter from a previous relationship. He signed away his parental rights, stopped all contact, and she was adopted by her step dad before we were married. I think she was about 7yo or so at that time.

I have an adult friend that recently found out she has a half sister she didn't know about and she is extremely hurt and upset, angry and betrayed by those that knew and kept the secret. This is weighing so heavy on my heart this week.

I have always considered this my xah's secret, not mine. She is his child, it his place to tell the boys, etc. However, this recent experience with my friend has really driven home that I am just as big a player in this secret. I'm sick at the thought that I married a man that did this. That I was so selfish in what I wanted that I somehow compartmentalized this and ignored it. I've been so ashamed of it that I have kept this secret from everyone. I experience physical symptoms just thinking about it.

They should know. I still feel that it isn't my place to tell but I think this is not a healthy response???? I'm afraid that telling them would - I don't even know - be wrong, be shady, be stabbing my xah in the back which doesn't even make sense anymore. I am 99.999% sure my xah will never ever tell them.

Thoughts?

ETA: I'm not feeling pressure to blurt anything out this instant. There has been no contact, and my boys are young (although one is 13yo already). I'm just thinking about it and feeling like I need to tell someone and get some thoughts.

Katiekate

Thumper, that is a very difficult situation you are in and I don't think it is easy to make a decision around this.

I can't remember off hand , what your x's and your contact is , I think, if it is possible he should be involved in helping to make the decision about this and then telling the kids with you, if that is what you decide.

If you take this on , on your own, it will be you solely that will be taking whatever fall out there is, and perhaps there will be lots of questions your sons will have that you may not have the answers to.

It's a tough spot, I really have no answers.

I can see how this is weighing on you.

love to you Katie

Thumper

Thank you for your thoughts Anvil. Secrets are not rare are they? She could have been such a support to you then. It is hard to wrap my brain around how people lock them away so tightly....but I keep them too.

Never thought of the relationship deal but yes, that is something to consider, especially where we live. I wouldn't know her if she walked in front of me.

Also, I'm feeling a bit alarmed that someone out there will think that my feelings towards this extrapolate to adoption in general. It does not. This was a child that he had lived with and loved and he walked away from. It was incomprehensible to me and I just ignored it - and of course he is doing it again.

ETA: Thank you Katie. My boys are 6yo, 6yo, 11yo, and 13yo so quite young yet. I do agree that their dad should be involved but I'm guessing that he won't agree to that. I have no idea how hold they should be to be told. I don't think this is the right time really but I might just be a scared of the entire thing. Actually I think it would be the perfect time if their dad was on board but since I don't think it will go down like that I think they should be a little older.

lillamy

My take on it is that secrets do nothing but hurt, and that in your situation, I may (I can't know for sure) choose to talk to AXH about it first, and tell him you feel it's unfair to the kids to not tell them, and that you can do it for him if he doesn't know how, but that they ought to know. And if he lets you (which wouldn't surprise me), just let them know that they have a half-sister who's living with her mother and stepfather, and leave it at that.

My personal beef in this is that my uncle (who lived next door when I was growing up) fathered a child out of wedlock. The guy is a year older than me. We hung in the outskirts of the same circles when I was in high school, and I never knew. I found out when I was in my 40s, and it damaged my trust in all the relatives that had lied to cover it up. My uncle, who never paid a dime in child support and never saw his son. My aunt, whose demands that my uncle have no contact with the kid contributed. My parents, who didn't think it was "their" secret to reveal.

But my distrust is nothing compared to the half-siblings who found out when they were in their 50s. It's caused so much pain.

chronsweet

I actually found out I had a half sister that my dad fathered before I came into the picture. I was in my 20's when I found out and to be honest I didn't feel bitter about it. My dad had actually gone to see her when he still lived with us (he lived with my mom even though they were divorced to help support us - LONG STORY). Anyhow, the reason he never told me or my mom was because it hurt him a lot. He didn't want to walk away but my dad was kind of a meek person and the woman he was married to divorced him when he couldn't jump ship in the army and would not leave her family (Pennsylvania) and follow him out to California where he was stationed.

His ex-wife found another man she married and coerced my father into signing away his parental rights 'for the good' of their child and from the stories I have heard she was very manipulating and controlling. My dad was a very generous, hard working man so I find it hard to not believe him. Anyhow, my half-sister and I talked once and she really didn't want anything to do with me. She ended up abandoning her three children and they contacted me and I had brief communication with them. I actually lost their contact information or I would still communicate with them from time to time. It was pretty interesting that my half-sister actually named her oldest son the same name as my brother, kind of coincidental and he too was in the army like my dad (very handsome men, both of them).

I am glad that I know that she is out there, and hope she has found her way. I guess she left her husband and three children for some convict she met online, got into drugs with them and deserted the kids. It was very sad. Her daughter used to call me and seemed so much like she wanted to meet me and that she wanted a mom again. I am going to have to do some digging around to try to get their contact info again. This post just made me realize it has been YEARS since I talked to them.

I think telling them is a good thing and is not at all doing something behind the exes back. They have a right to know they have a sibling. Medically, what if something happened to any of them and they held the key to saving one another's life? My mom is the one who told me about my sister, and I am glad she did.

LifeRecovery

I do not have direct personal experience with this, but my perspective might help.

My exAH was adopted. He knew about it at a young age.

When we met he shared that he was interested in potentially meeting his birth mother (not father) but did not want to interfere in her life if it was not okay. He signed up for site during the 1/2 time show for the NCAA tournament that allowed him to put his information out there, and her to contact him if she desired. Ten days later she did contact him. It turned out he had gone to high school with a sibling (did not know her), but she lived in the apartment above me at the time. In addition he had two other half siblings on that side and a number on his dad's side.

There was a lot of intense feelings about many things that came up. How he was conceived, how his birth father had died. How to handle a new "family" situation, his birth grandfather met him once and passed away three weeks later. His parents and how they felt etc.

I think what I am trying to say is there is the potential for intense feelings to arise regardless of how someone finds out about something like that. After experiencing this as a close observer. Acknowledging that control is an illusion in many instances. However if telling removes some of the variables, like a surprise in their later life in my opinion that can only help.

It was a challenge not just for my exAH, but for all family involved. One of his half-sisters when their mom said "I have to tell you something." burst into tears because she thought it was going to be about her mom being sick for example.

Seren

Hi Thumper,

I have no experience to share, but I wanted to offer my support and a hug

I'm sorry you have been put in this situation and hope that just talking about it helps relieve some of the anxiety and stress you have felt about it all.

FireSprite

[QUOTE=LifeRecovery;3455606]I think what I am trying to say is there is the potential for intense feelings to arise regardless of how someone finds out about something like that. After experiencing this as a close observer. Acknowledging that control is an illusion in many instances. However if telling removes some of the variables, like a surprise in their later life in my opinion that can only help.
QUOTE]


Wow, Thumper, what an impossibly difficult thing to have to decide. I don't have any personal experience that relates but AH does & your post made me stop & consider yet another piece of his disjointed childhood that I am positive still affects him today.

His mother was married & had 2 kids (his step-bro & sis) prior to marrying his dad & having him & his brother. She never had custody of them & AH & his brother knew they existed but outside of a couple of extended visits in early childhood, have never had any contact or relationship with them.

For YEARS he pretended that this had zero affect on him, but now that he is working his program he is at least willing to admit that it definitely messes with his head to think of how he shares blood with these people but has no idea what state they even live in. The bigger issue (of course) is that he can't wrap his head around how she could handle giving them up & living her life as though they never existed. (there's no doubt that she willingly sacrificed them to be able to continue living a carefree lifestyle.. & to move on to another relationship without the baggage of kids in tow.... & I think it was a bit unusual to see a WOMAN walk away from her kids in the late 60's)

She IS a Master Manipulator & compulsive liar, there's no doubt that she poisoned the boys' minds about this so that they felt loyalty to her & for YEARS would defend her. Now I've heard him wonder aloud whether they were the lucky ones because their bio dad kept them from her poison. Now he wonders if he is (not was, but IS) also as disposable to her & whether she would have eventually walked away from them as well. Part of him wonders if she felt 'stuck' with them because their bio dad was killed in a work accident very suddenly & she didn't have the option of leaving them. Seems possible since she remarried within 6 months of his death & moved the boys many states away to where her new husband was stationed in active military. She was only ever concerned with her own needs but it's taken him decades to acknowledge it & admit that it affected the way he identifies his feelings of worth & being loved or having any value as a person at all.

I think LifeRecovery hit the nail on the head - it seems impossible to predict or avoid the emotional impact it will have on your kids, except to know that there WILL be one. You know your kids better than anyone so if/when your instincts tell you it needs to be addressed, I think it's smart of you to be prepared. You can really help them to talk through whatever emotions this triggers for them & make sure that they have resources like counselors available to help them cope.
:ghug3

pinkdog

My friend found out he has a half-brother when his father died. He came to the funeral! Everyone was grown up. So they didn't get upset. He was from a previous relationship before their parents even met. Everyone was mature. Now they talk on the phone and visit when they are in town. I do think it is the father's decision. If you want to talk to him about it. That's fine. It should be his decision. Hugs to you.

EnglishGarden

I agree with your instinct that this is not your business and the issue belongs to your ex-husband.

I have TWO half-sisters I did not know about. One was my mother's offspring, the other was my father's offspring. (Never let anyone tell you people in the 1950's were a boring lot. The TV show "Mad Men" has it pretty accurate.).

My mother told me about her child when I was 24.

I found out about my father's child just a few years ago. He died many years ago. She looked me up. (I would not be surprised if my father made a lot of babies in his party years).

I did not want close relationship with either of the women, was happy they were okay, but was not moved to try to become family with them.

I have learned to protect my personal life. I did not assume they or the myriad people in their lives would be safe. Recovery for me has meant discretion and protection. I really do not want any more crazies in my life. You can't break up with a sister once you've invited her in. Or, I should say, it would be very messy and painful.

If your children are meant to know, it will be by divine accordance, is my feeling.

laurie6781

I had a daughter I gave up for adoption in 1966. I did not tell my children until
the youngest was a teenage.

They have thanked me several times, over the years.

I started looking for in Sept of '84 when she turned 18 (before the internet). I
finally located her in March if 2000 4 months after I got my first home computer,

Our relationship is really great, as is hers with her siblings. I also have a really
good relationship with her mom (adoptive mom). Her father (adoptive father)
passed away in '95 with 18+ years of sobriety soo upon our finally meeting, I
was relieved that shw understood about alcoholism.

After my dad died in 2000, we were going through paperwork, as mom was just
not capable of doing so and flat out refused to do so. By the time of his demise
they had been sleeping in separate bedrooms for about 10 years and he had
lots of 'personal' paperwork. filed in his bedroom.

Turns out we have a 1/2 brother, born in '75, 4 years after they moved to Florida,
his mom was a tenant in one of the 4-family apartment buildings they owned back
then. My sister and I found him through his mother. Interesting that she said
that my dad INSISTED on naming his son Julian.

Mom, it seems did know about this, but like she had done with my daughter,put
her head in the sand and if it wasn't talked about, it didn't happen. She was
absolutely LIVID when she found out I had found my daughter. Someday I wil
share just how angry she was and what she said in her wlll about legitimate
children and grandchildren.

I was lucky, I had 8 days with her before Catholic Charities (adoption services)
picked her up to give to her adoptive family.

Anyway, my sister and I have a pretty good relationship with our brother and we
are aunts 2 more times thanks to him. One boy and one girl. Brother's mom
and our mom passed within 2 days of each other. Julian has expressed many
times to both of us how grateful he is that we found him, as this way he still
has some family. Daddy saw him about once a month or so while he was growing
up, but said he never knew daddy as well as he would have liked to have known
him. He also said that dad paid his mom $1000 a month until he turned 18 and
then with his mom's consent paid Julian that amount until he graduated from
college.

My dad knew I had named my daughter Julie Ann and I cannot help but think that
that is part of the reason he called his sin Juiian.

Okay, all of the above, just to say, TELL YOUR CHILDREN. I know how hurt I was
and I am sure m sister, just as much, that we lost those years with our brother.

Maybe, explain to your older son, and then tell the younger ones when they reach
their teen years.

J M H O based on my own personal experience.

Sheesh it is so grand growing up in a dysfunctional family (said with sarcasm, lol)
one gets all this 'personal experience. But maybe that was HP's intention so that
I could share with others and maybe help just a teeny bit.

My mom purposely did not tell us and I resented it, as did my sister.

Love and hugs,

akrasia

It's not just your ex's secret. It involves your kids intimately. You know that you can't trust your ex to handle this in any sane way so it falls to you.

If you actively keep it from them and they find out later, your kids' trust in you will be diminished. They're not going to buy the "it wasn't my place to tell" thing. No, you didn't create the problem but you're the one person in the world they need to trust to tell them hard truths.

I would say wait until they're in their teens but given the age spread there's really no more time to waste. Next time you're all having a meal together, say that you've got something to tell them. They will take their emotional cue from you, so keep the tone straightforward and drama-free: "I need to tell you all this because you have a right to know, now that you're old enough. You have a half-sister who's twenty years old [is that right?], and she lives [wherever]. Her name is [just give first name]. Maybe you'll meet her later on, I don't really know right now. But anyway you have a right to know about who you're related to. If you ever want to talk about it, let me know."

Optional: Meanwhile, if you want, [and I'm assuming here this is a woman over 18] you could send a letter to this young woman and just let her know that if she wishes, she is always welcome to come over for dinner and have a visit with her half-brothers. I would not tell the boys about this letter because it's possible she'll decline, or not respond, and then the boys might feel rejected. If she does want to come over, you might want to meet her for coffee first and make sure she's not going to bring The Crazy. And again, this is assuming she's over 18.

And regarding how your ex might feel about any/all of this: who gives a flying f?

Thumper

Thanks again for all the responses.

Yes she would be 19 or 20. I knew where she lived as a young child. I have no idea where she lives now or even what her last name is.

I do not know what she remembers or has been told. I think she could find us without to much trouble if she wanted to. I thought she might surface when MIL (her grandma) died. Lived in the same town AFAIK and they had a relationship before the adoption but she did not that I know of.

Learn2Live

To me, keeping secrets is the same as lying.

If I were your kids, I would want to know about my sibling. I would want the opportunity to interact with him, to get to know him, and to build a relationship with him. You cannot get childhood back.

I have been expected to keep secrets for others; I no longer do so. Whenever I am faced with this kind of thing I ask myself what is the RIGHT thing to do.

If you do decide to tell them, please employ a child psychologist to come up with a plan for how to tell them and what to do and say afterward.

I hope you find peace with this issue.

Thumper

That is a good idea to get a therapist involved. I'll be searching for a new one this fall and will address it with them. Ill talk to there dad too. I agree that they really need to know. This young lady has not made any contact with any member of the family as far as I know so it isn't a matter of relationships at this time but just knowing. The entire family on their Dad's side knows (he lived with/raised her etc) so while it is a secret to my boys, it isn't really a secret, which makes it even worse. It is just not talked about.

transformyself

Oh My you are facing some really tough choices aren't you? I have no strong opinion or personal experience for you, just big hugs and gratitude that you feel safe enough to share this with us here at this time.

Wait, I do have some suggestions to offer. It's the way I've been trying to live my life lately. When I can do this, amazing things happen. It's a quote from Gandi--

Be truthful, gentle and fearless.

Tuffgirl

Wow, so many great responses so far. I imagine some painful situations to share, as well.

Thumper, I have no experience in this realm. I have only my humble opinions, but on this subject matter, I have to admit I would be as confused as you are.

The only thing that sticks out in my mind is the age of your kids. They are pretty young still. It may be hard to understand the grown up dysfunctions of relationships and such right now, and instead be quite the trauma.

I understand the concept that secrets make us sick, but this may be one secret you keep until they are old enough to have some basic understanding of human nature.

Big hugs!
~T

Thumper

The mine field, IMO, is that their dad had a child he 100% walked away from. Their dad moved away from them but they still talk etc. I think this could really frighten and confuse them right now. They already feel so lost trying to figure out their place. I will for sure talk to a therapist before doing anything.