Not my responsibility. Then why do I feel guilty?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
Not my responsibility. Then why do I feel guilty?
I haven't posted here in a while. Back in Feb my now EXAB had me arrested for domestic violence and a&b with a deadly weapon, telling the police that I ran him over with my car. Since then, he lives somewhere else which is only a mile down the road from me. It has been an up and down situation. I went no contact for a while and have criminal harassment charges against him that are pending right now. I am hoping to get my charges dismissed at my next hearing, which is Tuesday of next week.
Recently he was sober for 2 weeks and we talked during this time. He was calm rational and considerate for those 2 weeks. This past weekend it all went to sh*t. He was drunk and or high all weekend, lost his cell phone, begged me to come help him look for it and I refused. he lost it while drunk, he can find it. Turned out he was talking to another woman Sat night who he told me he had stopped talking to months ago. When I stopped by there he was on the phone with her making plans for her to come pick him up. Don't ask why I stopped by, I am not even sure, the codie in me I guess, curiosity, whichever, both, I shouldn't have done it.
Fast forward to last night. He calls me around 8:30 and is just being rude and snippy so I hang up on him. I do not deserve to be talked to like this. He calls back and I tell him about a huge argument I had with one of my neighbors yesterday morning regarding all the stuff with him and the events that took place. It is making my living in my complex hell. He say I am lying that no one is saying the things that I am telling him are being said. I hang up again. He calls back, I ignore it.
Now, I usually shut my ringer off at night so he can't wake me up with his drunk nonsense in the middle of the night. I forgot to shut it off last night. Sure enough 3 am the phone rings and it is the pollice from the next town over. Apparently he was out and got arrested for a warrant he has out on him. He asks me to come and bail him out. I say no and have him put the officer on the phone. I tell the officer I am not coming to get him, he is either drunk or high, I can hear it in his voice. This morning, again a call from the police station at 8:55, it is the EX again, I am not even sure what he wants me to do, go to court with him? He gets mad that I won't help him and hangs up on me again. They then call me from the courthouse at 11 to tell me he will be transported to the town where the warrant is and wants some one to know where he is. I start to feel bad that he was in jail last night and possibly for tonight too. Why do I feel bad? I shouldn't, he did this all to himself. He also told me that he got fired from his job when he called and of course this is my fault for not going to get him at 3am, if I had, he could've called in sooner or gone to work today. Everything is my fault? NOT.
As I am writing this, he just called me from the jail at the courthouse he got transferred to. He doesn't have his wallet, no way to get home and he is 30 miles away. He wants me to come there later and pick him up. Seriously? Especially after the way he has treated me and all the BS and lies and him not telling the DA straight out that I never hit him with the car for fear that they would prosecute him and I should now go rescue him? I don't believe his story and he is also telling me that his wallet is at home so he can't even take the train. I ask why he doesn't call his room mate and he says he doesn't know the number, yet he knew it to give it out for people to call him Saturday night when he couldn't find the phone.
I just can't believe a word of any of this nor do I feel it my responsibility to go get him. yet it is making me feel guilty leaving him stranded 30 miles away. I do feel he should finally have some consequences though, he gets away with too much, much more than the average person. I have a tug of war going on in my head right now and I don't like it one bit.
Please give me some words of I don't know, something, anything.
Recently he was sober for 2 weeks and we talked during this time. He was calm rational and considerate for those 2 weeks. This past weekend it all went to sh*t. He was drunk and or high all weekend, lost his cell phone, begged me to come help him look for it and I refused. he lost it while drunk, he can find it. Turned out he was talking to another woman Sat night who he told me he had stopped talking to months ago. When I stopped by there he was on the phone with her making plans for her to come pick him up. Don't ask why I stopped by, I am not even sure, the codie in me I guess, curiosity, whichever, both, I shouldn't have done it.
Fast forward to last night. He calls me around 8:30 and is just being rude and snippy so I hang up on him. I do not deserve to be talked to like this. He calls back and I tell him about a huge argument I had with one of my neighbors yesterday morning regarding all the stuff with him and the events that took place. It is making my living in my complex hell. He say I am lying that no one is saying the things that I am telling him are being said. I hang up again. He calls back, I ignore it.
Now, I usually shut my ringer off at night so he can't wake me up with his drunk nonsense in the middle of the night. I forgot to shut it off last night. Sure enough 3 am the phone rings and it is the pollice from the next town over. Apparently he was out and got arrested for a warrant he has out on him. He asks me to come and bail him out. I say no and have him put the officer on the phone. I tell the officer I am not coming to get him, he is either drunk or high, I can hear it in his voice. This morning, again a call from the police station at 8:55, it is the EX again, I am not even sure what he wants me to do, go to court with him? He gets mad that I won't help him and hangs up on me again. They then call me from the courthouse at 11 to tell me he will be transported to the town where the warrant is and wants some one to know where he is. I start to feel bad that he was in jail last night and possibly for tonight too. Why do I feel bad? I shouldn't, he did this all to himself. He also told me that he got fired from his job when he called and of course this is my fault for not going to get him at 3am, if I had, he could've called in sooner or gone to work today. Everything is my fault? NOT.
As I am writing this, he just called me from the jail at the courthouse he got transferred to. He doesn't have his wallet, no way to get home and he is 30 miles away. He wants me to come there later and pick him up. Seriously? Especially after the way he has treated me and all the BS and lies and him not telling the DA straight out that I never hit him with the car for fear that they would prosecute him and I should now go rescue him? I don't believe his story and he is also telling me that his wallet is at home so he can't even take the train. I ask why he doesn't call his room mate and he says he doesn't know the number, yet he knew it to give it out for people to call him Saturday night when he couldn't find the phone.
I just can't believe a word of any of this nor do I feel it my responsibility to go get him. yet it is making me feel guilty leaving him stranded 30 miles away. I do feel he should finally have some consequences though, he gets away with too much, much more than the average person. I have a tug of war going on in my head right now and I don't like it one bit.
Please give me some words of I don't know, something, anything.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
It sounds like you keep engaging him in conversations and communication, rational or not. I am assuming you have no children with this man as you didn't mention any. If you have no children, you are broken up and don't want to be with him, I have heard most people on SR say that no contact is the only real way to get a person this toxic out of your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
he's your EX
he's in JAIL
he's had you arrested for DV and assault
you have criminal harassment charges against him
why do you have ANYTHING to do with this person, for ANY reason? for you sanity, just BE DONE with this and move on.
he's in JAIL
he's had you arrested for DV and assault
you have criminal harassment charges against him
why do you have ANYTHING to do with this person, for ANY reason? for you sanity, just BE DONE with this and move on.
Just what are you getting out of continuing communication? There has got to be a payoff somewhere for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Honey, make him go away.
He is just trying to get his enabler back on board.
I think you need to block his number.
You are not a bad person, you have nothing to feel guilty about, when you engage, he feels he can keep moving in on you.
YOu don't need this, it sounds like your plate is full.
I have bitten to, no good has ever come of it.
He is just trying to get his enabler back on board.
I think you need to block his number.
You are not a bad person, you have nothing to feel guilty about, when you engage, he feels he can keep moving in on you.
YOu don't need this, it sounds like your plate is full.
I have bitten to, no good has ever come of it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
It sounds like you are trapped in the abusive cycle, and you need to step away and let his consequences fall on him.
It also sounds like you have some things to deal with for yourself, some consequences of your own to take care of, whether he lied or not, you have to clear all that up, then STEER clear of the person who helped to set it into motion.
If you drink, I would ease up, set his number to a specific ring, then dont answer those calls.
Focus on getting your life back on track, imagine him as a toxic poison that will ruin you.
And look into the alanon meetings in your area. Even if you hobble in there without your head on straight, the energy there will remind you where you want to be headed.
Keep posting.
It also sounds like you have some things to deal with for yourself, some consequences of your own to take care of, whether he lied or not, you have to clear all that up, then STEER clear of the person who helped to set it into motion.
If you drink, I would ease up, set his number to a specific ring, then dont answer those calls.
Focus on getting your life back on track, imagine him as a toxic poison that will ruin you.
And look into the alanon meetings in your area. Even if you hobble in there without your head on straight, the energy there will remind you where you want to be headed.
Keep posting.
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