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I hate it when he's really normal

Old 06-20-2012, 11:14 PM
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I hate it when he's really normal

My AH is out in San Diego on business. He's driving on a suspended license in a rental car. I told him some good news about our son and he was so excited for him. He was so positive and caring and NORMAL. So, why can't I even enjoy that? It's because I'm frustrated about his driving issue and the risks that he's taking out there. I just wish things could be normal forever, know what I mean? It's so confusing when they act normal one day and then act like you don't exist the next day or avoid making eye contact because of his shame. UGH, I'm just having one of those days!
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Old 06-21-2012, 03:05 AM
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This bugs the c*** out of me too Lizatola. Was only saying it to a friend earlier in the week. I almost find it bugs as much as when he's drinking, firstly because he almost acts holier than thou and self righteous, and secondly because I know it's only a matter of time before it goes t*ts up!! I was right of course, it all went crazy again last night. So sick of being right
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Old 06-21-2012, 07:17 AM
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I know exactly what you mean. My AH can switch from normal and caring to the alcoholic mindset in seconds, especially when he's sober. Very frustrating b/c I love the "normal" man but hate the alcoholic.
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Old 06-21-2012, 07:25 AM
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lizatola,

I know how you feel. My wife and I attend the same church and have only seen her a couple times there since we separated. It was tough to see her interact with other people and even worship, she seems so normal. However when she talks to me or we interact the "crazy" comes out. So frustrating!
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Old 06-21-2012, 07:44 AM
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As Ex's alcoholism progressed, there was less and less "normal". In the beginning I tried to enjoy the normal times, days taking the kids to the park or museum or just going for a walk. Then it came to be that the time between these "normal" days got longer and longer and the chaos in between made me so resentful. I couldn't trust "normal" days because I knew it wouldn't last, and I was so angry because I somehow felt that if he could be normal for a day or a weekend, why couldn't we have a "normal" life?

And then the guilt. He was so used to me being so happy on the good days and so grateful for them. I almost think he felt like the one good day made the weeks of hell better. And once I got to where I couldn't enjoy them, he would resent me for not rewarding him for his sober happy day.

It was a terrible cycle. Now that I am out of it I can see it better. ((hugs)) to you. Stay strong.
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Old 06-21-2012, 07:46 AM
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Sounds like there are others who needed to hear Anvil's post along with me! It's all part of the crazy making, I know. I have a letter that I'm planning on giving him a few days before I leave for FL and in it I tell him how I feel about the driving, how I know about the continued drinking, and how we can't even begin to repair anything about our marriage if he still drinks. I told him that if he continues to drink that I will ask him to move out. And, yes, I mean it and it's not some sort of ultimatum that I won't uphold.

I've always thought that we get along much better when it's at a distance. Being in his presence makes me anxious because I never know what crap is going to come out of his mouth or how he's going to be acting. Over the phone, once a day conversations are easy for both of us obviously.

Oh, and I did consult with a lawyer while he was out of town. We talked about the laws here in our state, we discussed a postnuptial agreement or legal separation and he explained what my rights were and how much it would probably cost, etc. He said that if we go to court, court dates are now 8 months out, EEK!
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Old 06-21-2012, 09:03 AM
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You have invested much more energy & worry concerning his driving issue than he is. Some people feel that it is their right to drive regardless of insurance, license ect.... He probably accepts the consequences of driving on no license & doesn't care because thats what alcohol does. It's why alcoholism is a very selfish disease. Take care of yourself. Glad to see you spoke with a lawyer.
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Old 06-21-2012, 09:18 AM
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That is exactly why this board, Alanon, and codependency exist. If they were flaming jerks 100% of the time, there would be no problem kicking them to the curb, right? It's exactly the inconsistency that keeps us hooked.

I once read about a study they did on rats. They set up three cages with rats and treat dispensers. In the first cage, the dispenser was filled once. The rats went there and got treats until it ran out. Once they figured out there were no more treats, they lost interest in it. In the second cage, the dispenser was filled up whenever it ran out. Soon the rats figured out they could have a treat whenever they wanted and they lost interest in it. In the third cage, the dispenser was filled sometimes and not others. There was no pattern or consistency. The rats literally went insane pressing on the lever over and over not knowing if a treat would come out or not. Being married to an alcoholic is like living in rat cage number three.

L
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Old 06-21-2012, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Sounds like there are others who needed to hear Anvil's post along with me! It's all part of the crazy making, I know. I have a letter that I'm planning on giving him a few days before I leave for FL and in it I tell him how I feel about the driving, how I know about the continued drinking, and how we can't even begin to repair anything about our marriage if he still drinks. I told him that if he continues to drink that I will ask him to move out. And, yes, I mean it and it's not some sort of ultimatum that I won't uphold.
Liz,

He is an A. A's lie and manipulate to maintain their true love, alcohol.

I tried something like that with my AW. She cried, got mad, got really mad and then all 3. She pleaded with me not to go, she gave me excuses as to why it is not her fault. She told me to go ahead and leave, she didn't need me. She attacked every emotional weak point that I had and she did it full force over a period of weeks.

The one thing she didn't do was change.

So, again, what do you expect to get out of this?

Your friend,
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Old 06-21-2012, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
Liz,

He is an A. A's lie and manipulate to maintain their true love, alcohol.

I tried something like that with my AW. She cried, got mad, got really mad and then all 3. She pleaded with me not to go, she gave me excuses as to why it is not her fault. She told me to go ahead and leave, she didn't need me. She attacked every emotional weak point that I had and she did it full force over a period of weeks.

The one thing she didn't do was change.

So, again, what do you expect to get out of this?

Your friend,
Umm, well it's basically forewarning that I'm going to ask him to leave. He can't say he wasn't prepared. I know I am not going to be the one leaving, our son has been through enough this past year and I don't need to be moving him anywhere and since I homeschool he'll be staying with me. If he balks and says he's not leaving, then my plan B is to actually leave. I have a friend who owns a furnished rental and she said we can stay there cheap for a few months as long as she doesn't have renters and I also have a friend who has a few empty rooms in her house where we could stay for a few weeks until I find a more permanent solution. There's always a solution, it's just not always ideal for the kids, etc. I could live anywhere but disrupting my kid's life all over again doesn't really appeal to me.
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:01 AM
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The normal days are tough. You get so used to dealing with the madness it becomes familiar and we LOVE the familiar! Anything that jars our little codie world is upsetting. For me it brings back memories of when things were better, when we were happy. I take a look back & see how far I've come & not in a good way. I see how I learned & perfected all my codependent behaviors. That is a big part of why it disturbs me. But that is the past & behind me now. Thankfully MY recovery is coming around now. Not nearly as fast as I would like, but really sinking in as I learn the steps. But I still can't enjoy the normal days.
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:23 AM
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Liz, the reason I posted the way I did is when I read your original post it read to me like you are giving him one more chance to change.

how we can't even begin to repair anything about our marriage if he still drinks. I told him that if he continues to drink that I will ask him to move out.
He is an A. Expecting an A to change just isn't realistic. One of the biggest things I learned on this site is the 3 c's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.

What I did with my AW was tell her I can't deal with this anymore and I'm moving out. No more chances, no explanations, no expectations. It was my decision and mine alone.

This made it easier for me because there was no get out of jail card for her to play. I had been down that road way too many times.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,
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Old 06-21-2012, 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
Being married to an alcoholic is like living in rat cage number three.

echoes some Smashing Pumpkins lyrics: Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage.

great post, LTD.

Umm, well it's basically forewarning that I'm going to ask him to leave. He can't say he wasn't prepared.

liz be very careful about handing the enemy all your bullets.
So, you're saying that I shouldn't bother to tell him that I will ask him to leave if he drinks again? Ugh, I'm just so d*mn confused, LOL!
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Old 06-21-2012, 06:29 PM
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Liz, I must applaude you for having a back up plan in place....my father always told me "If you don't have a plan....you plan to fail" I live by his premiss, kept me headed in the right direction...over and over again.
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Old 06-21-2012, 06:55 PM
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Liz, the thing that bothers me about the letter is that you turn all your power over to him.

Telling an A that if he drinks again or he has to leave are just empty words, it's a matter of time.

This is about what is right for you at this point.

I think that you have to make the decision that you are ready for a change and then follow through.

Giving him that letter just sets you up for playing a waithig game.
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Old 06-21-2012, 07:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post
Liz, the thing that bothers me about the letter is that you turn all your power over to him.

Telling an A that if he drinks again or he has to leave are just empty words, it's a matter of time.

This is about what is right for you at this point.

I think that you have to make the decision that you are ready for a change and then follow through.

Giving him that letter just sets you up for playing a waithig game.
Agreed. I have prayed about it and decided to NOT give him the letter. I'm just going to bide my time and the next time I find out he's drinking or he gets into more trouble with the law, I'm going to pack up and leave. I'm feeling more and more like I just can't bother to talk to him, doesn't seem to make a difference and I don't like the idea of giving him power. I'll just keep working my back up plans, working my program, and enjoying my summer of travel!
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Old 06-21-2012, 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by ady gil View Post
I used to think he had overly normal days but I'm starting to think those are his codie days...so normal to me maybe but not normie at all.
Wow, this really hit home, feels good to start putting the pieces together. Man this forum is an excellent resource!
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:06 PM
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It's good to come to the point of realization that our words means nothing to them and fall on totally deaf ears. They already know very well the truth of what's going on and what's coming down the pike, but like so many of us, I believe that they also try to dodge it as long as possible because it means change from the routine that's become so comfortable.

I do hope that you utilize every means to protect yourself from liability for his actions. I have a dear friend that's quadriplegic at age 21 due to a drunken driver, and my own 12 yo child was in a vehicle that was hit by a drunk driver and my child had to have months of physical therapy for the injuries, and my A sis took out several vehicles plus some in a high drunk driving accident before her eventual arrest later on for dui. One moment life is passable for all involved, and the next moment it can be turned upside down or ended by a drunk that's driving. We might think it won't happen, but it does, and time is of the essence. We can't protect the A from the repercussions of their actions but we can protect ourselves and our kids as much as possible.

It was a different type of abusive situation but I left several times before it stuck. Giving up the very nice lifestyle, the "security", the status, the common friends, the routine, and the fantasy dream and starting anew can be very hard. When the moment came that I couldn't deny the truth any longer I recall going outside and literally wailing to the sky from my soul in overwhelming grief. That grief passes, as does the fear as we become stronger each day and begin to find ourselves again.
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Old 06-22-2012, 01:37 AM
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Totally get this.....The normal days make me forget how tough it actually is....until the next issue pops up.

I have the SAME problem with my husband's driving....INFURIATING and scary and makes me feel stuck. I recently bought a new car because our old was in dire shape. He is not insured and it terrifies me and makes me feel like I am responsible for this problem. My MIL would be irate with me knowing that I allowed this to go on without asking for her financial help, but thats a whole can of worms. I totally understand the frustration you feel about this. The money spent on booze could have covered his fines to reinstate license long ago.

My husband dried out....with only 1 ER visit. and now that he is better and acting "normal" I feel like a fool being so freaked out and almost spazzing out at his family because I was so stressed out. I realize it is dangerous to forget what the problem is..and probably some form of denial or enabling on my part..but it just seems more like life goes on and I deal with what I can..

....but after days he bought a six pack....so i guess I am justified lol

I am contemplating next move also and a 3 yr old daughter who loves her daddy. I have no money to even stay somewhere and all my family is out of state. Its hard, I hear ya....hang in there. It looks like you are a lot closer than i am!
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Old 06-22-2012, 01:40 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
He's driving on a suspended license in a rental car.
This isn't normal, and doesn't quite match up with the title of the thread.
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