I hate it when he's really normal
 

My AH is out in San Diego on business. He's driving on a suspended license in a rental car. I told him some good news about our son and he was so excited for him. He was so positive and caring and NORMAL. So, why can't I even enjoy that? It's because I'm frustrated about his driving issue and the risks that he's taking out there. I just wish things could be normal forever, know what I mean? It's so confusing when they act normal one day and then act like you don't exist the next day or avoid making eye contact because of his shame. UGH, I'm just having one of those days!

This bugs the c*** out of me too Lizatola. Was only saying it to a friend earlier in the week. I almost find it bugs as much as when he's drinking, firstly because he almost acts holier than thou and self righteous, and secondly because I know it's only a matter of time before it goes t*ts up!! I was right of course, it all went crazy again last night. So sick of being right :wild

I know exactly what you mean. My AH can switch from normal and caring to the alcoholic mindset in seconds, especially when he's sober. Very frustrating b/c I love the "normal" man but hate the alcoholic.

lizatola,

I know how you feel. My wife and I attend the same church and have only seen her a couple times there since we separated. It was tough to see her interact with other people and even worship, she seems so normal. However when she talks to me or we interact the "crazy" comes out. So frustrating!

As Ex's alcoholism progressed, there was less and less "normal". In the beginning I tried to enjoy the normal times, days taking the kids to the park or museum or just going for a walk. Then it came to be that the time between these "normal" days got longer and longer and the chaos in between made me so resentful. I couldn't trust "normal" days because I knew it wouldn't last, and I was so angry because I somehow felt that if he could be normal for a day or a weekend, why couldn't we have a "normal" life?

And then the guilt. He was so used to me being so happy on the good days and so grateful for them. I almost think he felt like the one good day made the weeks of hell better. And once I got to where I couldn't enjoy them, he would resent me for not rewarding him for his sober happy day.

It was a terrible cycle. Now that I am out of it I can see it better. ((hugs)) to you. Stay strong.

Sounds like there are others who needed to hear Anvil's post along with me! It's all part of the crazy making, I know. I have a letter that I'm planning on giving him a few days before I leave for FL and in it I tell him how I feel about the driving, how I know about the continued drinking, and how we can't even begin to repair anything about our marriage if he still drinks. I told him that if he continues to drink that I will ask him to move out. And, yes, I mean it and it's not some sort of ultimatum that I won't uphold.

I've always thought that we get along much better when it's at a distance. Being in his presence makes me anxious because I never know what crap is going to come out of his mouth or how he's going to be acting. Over the phone, once a day conversations are easy for both of us obviously.

Oh, and I did consult with a lawyer while he was out of town. We talked about the laws here in our state, we discussed a postnuptial agreement or legal separation and he explained what my rights were and how much it would probably cost, etc. He said that if we go to court, court dates are now 8 months out, EEK!

You have invested much more energy & worry concerning his driving issue than he is. Some people feel that it is their right to drive regardless of insurance, license ect.... He probably accepts the consequences of driving on no license & doesn't care because thats what alcohol does. It's why alcoholism is a very selfish disease. Take care of yourself. Glad to see you spoke with a lawyer.

That is exactly why this board, Alanon, and codependency exist. If they were flaming jerks 100% of the time, there would be no problem kicking them to the curb, right? It's exactly the inconsistency that keeps us hooked.

I once read about a study they did on rats. They set up three cages with rats and treat dispensers. In the first cage, the dispenser was filled once. The rats went there and got treats until it ran out. Once they figured out there were no more treats, they lost interest in it. In the second cage, the dispenser was filled up whenever it ran out. Soon the rats figured out they could have a treat whenever they wanted and they lost interest in it. In the third cage, the dispenser was filled sometimes and not others. There was no pattern or consistency. The rats literally went insane pressing on the lever over and over not knowing if a treat would come out or not. Being married to an alcoholic is like living in rat cage number three.

L

Liz,

He is an A. A's lie and manipulate to maintain their true love, alcohol.

I tried something like that with my AW. She cried, got mad, got really mad and then all 3. She pleaded with me not to go, she gave me excuses as to why it is not her fault. She told me to go ahead and leave, she didn't need me. She attacked every emotional weak point that I had and she did it full force over a period of weeks.

The one thing she didn't do was change.

So, again, what do you expect to get out of this?

Your friend,

Umm, well it's basically forewarning that I'm going to ask him to leave. He can't say he wasn't prepared. I know I am not going to be the one leaving, our son has been through enough this past year and I don't need to be moving him anywhere and since I homeschool he'll be staying with me. If he balks and says he's not leaving, then my plan B is to actually leave. I have a friend who owns a furnished rental and she said we can stay there cheap for a few months as long as she doesn't have renters and I also have a friend who has a few empty rooms in her house where we could stay for a few weeks until I find a more permanent solution. There's always a solution, it's just not always ideal for the kids, etc. I could live anywhere but disrupting my kid's life all over again doesn't really appeal to me.

The normal days are tough. You get so used to dealing with the madness it becomes familiar and we LOVE the familiar! Anything that jars our little codie world is upsetting. For me it brings back memories of when things were better, when we were happy. I take a look back & see how far I've come & not in a good way. I see how I learned & perfected all my codependent behaviors. That is a big part of why it disturbs me. But that is the past & behind me now. Thankfully MY recovery is coming around now. Not nearly as fast as I would like, but really sinking in as I learn the steps. But I still can't enjoy the normal days.

Liz, the reason I posted the way I did is when I read your original post it read to me like you are giving him one more chance to change.

He is an A. Expecting an A to change just isn't realistic. One of the biggest things I learned on this site is the 3 c's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.

What I did with my AW was tell her I can't deal with this anymore and I'm moving out. No more chances, no explanations, no expectations. It was my decision and mine alone.

This made it easier for me because there was no get out of jail card for her to play. I had been down that road way too many times.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,

So, you're saying that I shouldn't bother to tell him that I will ask him to leave if he drinks again? Ugh, I'm just so d*mn confused, LOL!

Liz, I must applaude you :c011: for having a back up plan in place....my father always told me "If you don't have a plan....you plan to fail" I live by his premiss, kept me headed in the right direction...over and over again.

Liz, the thing that bothers me about the letter is that you turn all your power over to him.

Telling an A that if he drinks again or he has to leave are just empty words, it's a matter of time.

This is about what is right for you at this point.

I think that you have to make the decision that you are ready for a change and then follow through.

Giving him that letter just sets you up for playing a waithig game.

Agreed. I have prayed about it and decided to NOT give him the letter. I'm just going to bide my time and the next time I find out he's drinking or he gets into more trouble with the law, I'm going to pack up and leave. I'm feeling more and more like I just can't bother to talk to him, doesn't seem to make a difference and I don't like the idea of giving him power. I'll just keep working my back up plans, working my program, and enjoying my summer of travel!

Wow, this really hit home, feels good to start putting the pieces together. Man this forum is an excellent resource!