break up advice appreciated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 22
break up advice appreciated
hey everyone,
i'm new here. i hope this isn't too long...
i work with and dated a cocaine addict/alcoholic for almost 4 years.
things started out great but spiralled into a mess of fighting, cheating (him cheating online and in person), verbal abuse and a couple of times, violence. in the end, he broke up with me after putting himself in the hospital by smashing out a window with his arm during a fight about an affair he had with my friend. his arm became severely infected and was almost surgically removed.
his moods became increasingly worse once he was out of the hospital and for the last few weeks of our relationship he almost completely disappeared. he broke up with me in an email saying he was 'too crazy' to be with me but loved me and hoped we could get back together in the future.
it's been two months since he broke it off. most of our contact since then has been strange...he will ignore me for long periods of time, then text, call and email with either abusive messages about how i messed up our relationship or lovely messages about how he loves and misses me and wishes we were together.
he can be very charming and sweet to people he doesn't have intense relationships with. our mutual work friends have seen a very different side of him and our breakup has negatively affected my own friendships in the workplace.
our co-workers tell me he's been doing massive amounts of cocaine and drinking every day, so that might account for some of his behaviour. i also learned he has started seeing someone new, yet he is still emailing me regularly about how in love he is with me.
i told him that since he's obviously angry at me and seeing someone else, i can't have any contact with him. yet he still emails random things like music videos to me and doesn't respond if i reply.
does anyone have advice for getting through this difficult period? i'm in therapy to deal with the pain of the relationship and of the breakup, but i don't know anyone else who has been involved with an addict. i'd love some insight from folks who have successfully broken up.
i'm new here. i hope this isn't too long...
i work with and dated a cocaine addict/alcoholic for almost 4 years.
things started out great but spiralled into a mess of fighting, cheating (him cheating online and in person), verbal abuse and a couple of times, violence. in the end, he broke up with me after putting himself in the hospital by smashing out a window with his arm during a fight about an affair he had with my friend. his arm became severely infected and was almost surgically removed.
his moods became increasingly worse once he was out of the hospital and for the last few weeks of our relationship he almost completely disappeared. he broke up with me in an email saying he was 'too crazy' to be with me but loved me and hoped we could get back together in the future.
it's been two months since he broke it off. most of our contact since then has been strange...he will ignore me for long periods of time, then text, call and email with either abusive messages about how i messed up our relationship or lovely messages about how he loves and misses me and wishes we were together.
he can be very charming and sweet to people he doesn't have intense relationships with. our mutual work friends have seen a very different side of him and our breakup has negatively affected my own friendships in the workplace.
our co-workers tell me he's been doing massive amounts of cocaine and drinking every day, so that might account for some of his behaviour. i also learned he has started seeing someone new, yet he is still emailing me regularly about how in love he is with me.
i told him that since he's obviously angry at me and seeing someone else, i can't have any contact with him. yet he still emails random things like music videos to me and doesn't respond if i reply.
does anyone have advice for getting through this difficult period? i'm in therapy to deal with the pain of the relationship and of the breakup, but i don't know anyone else who has been involved with an addict. i'd love some insight from folks who have successfully broken up.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
First thing I would like to say is that this man is dangerous.
You are not safe with him in your life. Please, know that and protect yourself.
No contact, meaning, block his emails, his phone calls, his text messages, facebook, any access he has to you.
If you work with him, please advice your supervisor and any other people you trust there that this man is volitile and may hurt you or himself.
You need to look at this as a very serious matter, I fear for your safety.
You are not safe with him in your life. Please, know that and protect yourself.
No contact, meaning, block his emails, his phone calls, his text messages, facebook, any access he has to you.
If you work with him, please advice your supervisor and any other people you trust there that this man is volitile and may hurt you or himself.
You need to look at this as a very serious matter, I fear for your safety.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: the shire
Posts: 379
hello and welcome here too. i am new as well but have already posted a couple of times.
i dont consider i had a successful breakup but my XABF whose DOC is cocaine just broke up with me.
we dated for 7 months, but we practically lived together during those times and since i am currently not working i spend most of the time with him too. like how from just coming from his house in the morning and him going to work, he would ask me to bring him coffee then we would have lunch together or would sometimes take me with his work errands then see each other after work around 6pm again to spend the rest of the evening well towards the following morning. i didnt moved in with him but there are weeks that im there everyday or like 5 times a week.
we never really argued much while we were together, there was my ocassional jealousy whenever his highschool alcoholic, recovering coke addicts friends would show up in his house or would hang out with him but other than that we're okay. since we love sports and movies, those are what we usually do when we are together, i tried to keep my mind off coke but then there are this friends of his that would just make invite him to drink and do drugs.
he knows that i took care of him so well, so well that i didnt realized that i became an enabler, and when i finally decided to stop he broke up with me and went with his hs alcoholic, recovering addict, weed smoking friend. (the one i mentioned earlier).
since your bf had been using coke daily, that suggests his behaviour, coming down and withdrawal combined...the times when he could be sweet, then a minute later blames you for just about anything.
i have read many experiences about how people who have loved cocaine addicts and basically they are all saying the same things i have experienced.
and its true that even if you ignore them and have no communication for a while, time will come that they will call you again, perhaps beg for you to comeback into their lives again.
i think you are still in the roller coaster ride, its up to you whether you want to continue or step down, let go and move on with your life.
easier said than done.
godbless
i dont consider i had a successful breakup but my XABF whose DOC is cocaine just broke up with me.
we dated for 7 months, but we practically lived together during those times and since i am currently not working i spend most of the time with him too. like how from just coming from his house in the morning and him going to work, he would ask me to bring him coffee then we would have lunch together or would sometimes take me with his work errands then see each other after work around 6pm again to spend the rest of the evening well towards the following morning. i didnt moved in with him but there are weeks that im there everyday or like 5 times a week.
we never really argued much while we were together, there was my ocassional jealousy whenever his highschool alcoholic, recovering coke addicts friends would show up in his house or would hang out with him but other than that we're okay. since we love sports and movies, those are what we usually do when we are together, i tried to keep my mind off coke but then there are this friends of his that would just make invite him to drink and do drugs.
he knows that i took care of him so well, so well that i didnt realized that i became an enabler, and when i finally decided to stop he broke up with me and went with his hs alcoholic, recovering addict, weed smoking friend. (the one i mentioned earlier).
since your bf had been using coke daily, that suggests his behaviour, coming down and withdrawal combined...the times when he could be sweet, then a minute later blames you for just about anything.
i have read many experiences about how people who have loved cocaine addicts and basically they are all saying the same things i have experienced.
and its true that even if you ignore them and have no communication for a while, time will come that they will call you again, perhaps beg for you to comeback into their lives again.
i think you are still in the roller coaster ride, its up to you whether you want to continue or step down, let go and move on with your life.
easier said than done.
godbless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 22
thanks mrsbrownie,
i had a similar issue with his drug friends...the funny thing is they were MY friends for years (and weren't into drugs!) before he moved to my city, so i had the weird experience of watching a couple of my friends become my BF's drug pals over time. we spent more and more time with them and less time with our other non-using friends (no time with my friends...ever!) and less time one-on-one as a couple. i would feel jealous/agitated when they were together.
i had a similar issue with his drug friends...the funny thing is they were MY friends for years (and weren't into drugs!) before he moved to my city, so i had the weird experience of watching a couple of my friends become my BF's drug pals over time. we spent more and more time with them and less time with our other non-using friends (no time with my friends...ever!) and less time one-on-one as a couple. i would feel jealous/agitated when they were together.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 22
Well, i was a healthy person when we started up, but by the end i had really lost myself. I guess i don't have anyone in my life who understands and just wanted to see how other people have dealt with similar situations.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Katiekate 
First thing I would like to say is that this man is dangerous.
You are not safe with him in your life. Please, know that and protect yourself.
No contact, meaning, block his emails, his phone calls, his text messages, facebook, any access he has to you.
If you work with him, please advice your supervisor and any other people you trust there that this man is volitile and may hurt you or himself.
You need to look at this as a very serious matter, I fear for your safety.
You are not safe with him in your life. Please, know that and protect yourself.
No contact, meaning, block his emails, his phone calls, his text messages, facebook, any access he has to you.
If you work with him, please advice your supervisor and any other people you trust there that this man is volitile and may hurt you or himself.
You need to look at this as a very serious matter, I fear for your safety.
My only suggestion for handling the feelings post break up is feel relieved you got this guy out of your life and it has left you relatively unscathed...a little battered but you still have a job, didn't marry the guy, no kids with him, any of the stuff that would tie you to this madness for the rest of your life. That he only hurt himself - that it wasn't your head through the window.
Be grateful for those little things whenever you feel sad about it all. Write a list, carry it around in your pocket of the little things to be grateful about.
Keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by lm204
Well, i was a healthy person when we started up, but by the end i had really lost myself. I guess i don't have anyone in my life who understands and just wanted to see how other people have dealt with similar situations.
Hang here, lots of support and wisdom on these pages.
Read the stickies at the top of this section of the forum.
It's time to put you first.
And please please please please please, remove that man from your life.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome...IMO this guy is a must miss, go complete no contact with him. Put on your best pair of track shoes and run like h#ll from this guy.
Read all the stickies at the top of this forum and all others in the Family & Friends section. Read others posts and keep posting, it will help.
Read all the stickies at the top of this forum and all others in the Family & Friends section. Read others posts and keep posting, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
Hello Im204, I have successfully broke up with my heroin addict ex. We were together for 3 years and he has lived with me. I havent had contact with him for the past year until he recently contacted me (he told me he got out of a halfway house back in March) and hasnt used since July last year... the last time we spoke or should I say, he cussed me out... was July when he was so screwed up on heroin and coke and got arrested and sent to jail for selling drugs for money to his own minor 16 year old nephew. He told me he still drinks... which is NOT a good sign because knowing his pattern so well... it will lead to coke, which will lead to the needles and heroin. With all that said, it's no longer my problems AT ALL.
It took me moving out of state to leave this person. And one year later I still have a lot of healing to do. I dont feel ok about what this person put me through and my underlying pain and sadness are still there but I am doing much much better than before. I think you are lucky that he broke up with you (mine broke up with me many times in the 3 years and always came back and told me how much he loved and how special I am). Now you need to take his breaking up with you as a sign of hope that you have been released from the abuse and suffering of this addiction that is NOT EVEN yours to begin with.
If you have the luxury of changing jobs, I really would. No contact is important. Staying in contact just prolong your pain and most likely lure you back into the lies, abuse and manipulation of this person. Who cares if he is seeing someone new?? You should feel sorry for that girl. She is not going to have it any better than you will. Wait and see... or better yet... RUN AND RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK!
Drove by a church the other day and the message was "Live as if you would want your daughter to live"
It took me moving out of state to leave this person. And one year later I still have a lot of healing to do. I dont feel ok about what this person put me through and my underlying pain and sadness are still there but I am doing much much better than before. I think you are lucky that he broke up with you (mine broke up with me many times in the 3 years and always came back and told me how much he loved and how special I am). Now you need to take his breaking up with you as a sign of hope that you have been released from the abuse and suffering of this addiction that is NOT EVEN yours to begin with.
If you have the luxury of changing jobs, I really would. No contact is important. Staying in contact just prolong your pain and most likely lure you back into the lies, abuse and manipulation of this person. Who cares if he is seeing someone new?? You should feel sorry for that girl. She is not going to have it any better than you will. Wait and see... or better yet... RUN AND RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK!
Drove by a church the other day and the message was "Live as if you would want your daughter to live"
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Don't expect the e-mails and text messages and calls to stop anytime soon.
My ex was a regular cocaine user and drinker. He would often mix the 2. Never took Coke on it's own.
Every time he binged i could guarantee he will spend most of his alone time (when everyone went home) on the phone, texting and calling anyone who would engage in conversation.
This would be a weekly basis. People got wise and would not answer his calls at certain times of the day.
Now you said your ex is taking this stuff every day? If so, then his behaviour will be even more erratic and irrational.
I used to get messages of hate, love and despair for long periods of time after we broke up. Even now i still get them, but only when he's binged.
People can be very dangerous on coke, so don't expect anything that makes sense ok?
Just try your best to move on. It's difficult though, i know.
We're all here for you either way.
Limiya
My ex was a regular cocaine user and drinker. He would often mix the 2. Never took Coke on it's own.
Every time he binged i could guarantee he will spend most of his alone time (when everyone went home) on the phone, texting and calling anyone who would engage in conversation.
This would be a weekly basis. People got wise and would not answer his calls at certain times of the day.
Now you said your ex is taking this stuff every day? If so, then his behaviour will be even more erratic and irrational.
I used to get messages of hate, love and despair for long periods of time after we broke up. Even now i still get them, but only when he's binged.
People can be very dangerous on coke, so don't expect anything that makes sense ok?
Just try your best to move on. It's difficult though, i know.
We're all here for you either way.
Limiya
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 22
thanks all,
yeah choublak, he does have acting skills for sure.
in the beginning he wasn't using (he'd used for years before and had quit), so the relationship was much more functional. we had a legitimiate relationship that went down the tubes after about a year as the drugs reappeared. he also started being unfaithful. i kind of got caught up because i 'loved him' and thought we could fix it. in the end he said he needed 'a stress-free life' and blamed me for our fights and his mental state. he'd yell and scream and if i responded i was 'starting a fight'. it was a total double bind. we had made plans to go to a therapist and he broke up with me by not showing up and instead sending me a long letter about how he loved me and was too crazy to deal with it.
i saw a psychiatrist yesterday about my own experiences in the relationship and she cautioned me that his behaviour was dangerous and not likely to get better. i have to go into his office later today for a meeting. i feel nervous. but i'll get through it.
yeah choublak, he does have acting skills for sure.
in the beginning he wasn't using (he'd used for years before and had quit), so the relationship was much more functional. we had a legitimiate relationship that went down the tubes after about a year as the drugs reappeared. he also started being unfaithful. i kind of got caught up because i 'loved him' and thought we could fix it. in the end he said he needed 'a stress-free life' and blamed me for our fights and his mental state. he'd yell and scream and if i responded i was 'starting a fight'. it was a total double bind. we had made plans to go to a therapist and he broke up with me by not showing up and instead sending me a long letter about how he loved me and was too crazy to deal with it.
i saw a psychiatrist yesterday about my own experiences in the relationship and she cautioned me that his behaviour was dangerous and not likely to get better. i have to go into his office later today for a meeting. i feel nervous. but i'll get through it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 22
day 18 no contact!
my ex tried to email that he'd filled up my bike tires (he saw i had a low tire on the street and pumped it up). but i didn't respond.
heard from a co-worker that he was snorting oxycontin (!) at a work party. i feel disgusted hearing that. that's so crazy.
sooooooo glad i am not in contact with him.
my ex tried to email that he'd filled up my bike tires (he saw i had a low tire on the street and pumped it up). but i didn't respond.
heard from a co-worker that he was snorting oxycontin (!) at a work party. i feel disgusted hearing that. that's so crazy.
sooooooo glad i am not in contact with him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I had to make it perfectly clear to our mutual friends/ acquaintances that I was no longer interested in hearing about XA. He was no longer my concern.
If someone mentions him, change the subject, if that is not an option, excuse yourself and WALK AWAY.
You will continue to have that "disgusted feeling" (i did too) until you choose to let it go. It's not easy, but it's so well worth it.
Hugs))))
If someone mentions him, change the subject, if that is not an option, excuse yourself and WALK AWAY.
You will continue to have that "disgusted feeling" (i did too) until you choose to let it go. It's not easy, but it's so well worth it.
Hugs))))
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 22
thanks marie and katiekate,
a few of my best friends are friends of his, and i've asked them not to talk about him. my best friend is actually his boss, so it's pretty close.
but every day gets easier that i don't see or hear from him. when i see him in person (several times a week), i don't make eye contact or engage him.
i felt weird knowing he'd touched my bike. i know it's not a huge thing, but it felt like an invasion of my boundaries. by the end, he raged at me constantly and blamed me for the poor quality of the relationship. now he's pumping up my tires. it makes no sense.
a few of my best friends are friends of his, and i've asked them not to talk about him. my best friend is actually his boss, so it's pretty close.
but every day gets easier that i don't see or hear from him. when i see him in person (several times a week), i don't make eye contact or engage him.
i felt weird knowing he'd touched my bike. i know it's not a huge thing, but it felt like an invasion of my boundaries. by the end, he raged at me constantly and blamed me for the poor quality of the relationship. now he's pumping up my tires. it makes no sense.
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