SO sad for my kids look what I did!
 

Every day I watch and listen to my AH interact with the kids and cringe. the reality is I was so sick back when I met him that the only thing that mattered was playing the alcoholic/codie game. I was so selfish, I just wanted to chase after him and make him love me. Sick sick sick.

Now that I've seen a few healthy relationships up close, I can tell what makes a man a good father. My dad was also a screaming A (no surprise there) so just didn't know what to look for, or prioritize healthy checklists when looking for a mate.

It didn't matter that he's a screaming A--I knew that then. Well, I didn't understand what that meant exactly, but I dumped a very stable, wonderful, Indian man to be with this sick screwed up drunk white guy. I was so so sick.

He has no idea how to parent in a healthy way. He sits on the couch and plays violent video games instead of going outside and playing with his sons, who desperatly need a strong father figure.. He doesn't teach them ANYTHING, and never has, except how to drink and act like an an idiot. Oh, what I would give for a time machine. My heart is broken for my children today. today he tried to talk to our 11 year old but instead just talked about his feelings and how his son "made" him feel bad. It makes me so sick. I want to scream. I can't stop crying.

In order to have money to work, in order to be able to move out I have to work. I have to leave them with him, during the day only, in order to make money and move out. But I don't want him to be their father anymore!!!

I"m looking for therapy for all of us and will take the 14 year old to al-ateen. I don't give a **** what he says either.

((transformyself))

oh dear I can understand how you may feel ~ my heart still breaks when I remember what I allowed my precious 5 daughters to see as they were growing up ~ the example that I gave them was horrible. . .

I didn't leave until they were all grown ~ but YOU my friend are working on a plan to get yourself & them to a healthier place as soon as possible - how awesome ~ You are bringing in healthier habits and traits at a younger age than I did ~ plus getting them help!!
That's giving them the tools to recover & have a wonderful life ~

Hang in there - you are on the right path!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

I have had similar thoughts about myself: why on EARTH did I do such and such a thing?

I am finally learning through Al Anon, to talk to myself more gently. Instead of having thoughts such as, "I was SUCH a fool to do so-and-so," I'm learning to think instead, "You were doing the best you could at the time." Most of my life, I had very little in the way of emotional support, or safe, helpful people to discuss things with. Most of us ACOA's don't.

Beating oneself up over it now isn't helpful. :wave:

Over time, it's becoming easier to talk to myself in a gentler way. It can for you too.

so, you learn to be your own best friend and cheering section.

"good job transform, you worked this out well."
"transform you keep this up, you will be free soon."
"transform you are learning, everyday you are learning"

Block the screaming A voice with your own cheering section.
They (cheering section) are louder and they speak the truth about now, not dig at you with lies about the past (screaming A).
That was then, this is now.
:ghug3

Beth

My parents didn't drink. They would give each other the silent treatment for days/weeks to avoid fighting in front of me. I hated it though, even as a kid I knew something was wrong but not what. I'd stress over it, worrying about what on earth could be going on...how serious it was...etc. many times I wished they'd just hash it out and get it over with so things could go back to normal.

That is how I justified fighting with the AH in front of the kids :-(

(((((((transformmyself)))))))))

My heart goes out to you...I've struggled with the same feelings of guilt and shame when it comes to some of the choices I've made and the way I dealt with my exah's drinking BEFORE I found recovery.

There's just no easy way to deal with all of this...and without recovery on our part, there really isn't a healthy way to deal with it... We make irrational decisions to deal with an irrational situation. We did the best we could with the tools we had available at the time.

A year ago I started attending al anon meetings regularly. And my son (now age 13) began attending al a teen. And we're both doing better these days. My exah is still drinking...he's still doing the same things he's always done but my son and I are getting better...and that's all I care about and all I can control.

I've apologized to my son a couple of times about the way I acted and the choices I made when dealing with my exah. He's a pretty smart kid and he's learning things about addiction that I only wish I had known as a kid growing up. My dad was an alcoholic and nobody talked about it. It was a big secret. Is it any wonder I married an alcoholic and had NO CLUE what I was really getting myself into? Even though I can't go back and undo my past mistakes, I take alot of comfort in the fact that I'm exposing my son to al ateen and giving him the tools he will need to make healthier life choices than I did.

Hugs from one mom to another.
It's never to late to turn the ship around...and it sounds like that's just what you're doing. Lots of women NEVER manage to do it. Lots of them just stay wehre they are. So give yourself credit for trying to do something healthy. Your a great mom. We both are.:ghug3

Mary

oh goodness thank you everyone. It seems after each break through of denial, comes this horrible sadness. Maybe that's why we have denial, because the reality is too much to bear.

I don't have much advice to give. I'm in the same boat but I'm not even out yet. Just wanted to send you some positive vibes and lots of support!