Back and Ashamed of myself...I did it again
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by Summerpeach 
... I was lonely and went into denial about who this person was or is...
My denial is about _me_. My denial builds these lies about _me_ and the fact that I know perfectly well how to stay away from dangerous people. I _choose_ to blind myself with my own denial and go get a charge of "self-esteem by association" from dangerous people. All I'm doing is trying to get a crowd of onlookers to admire _me_ because I hang out with the "bad girls".
The truth is that the crowd of onlookers know better. They are not admiring me, they are just waiting to see how ugly the body looks like after the murder, they're just lookie-loo's. The only person that is admiring me is _me_. My disease of "codie-ism" is a disease of pride and arrogance, covered up with a thin veneer of false shyness and a "poor me" attitude. Those broken relationships in my past did not hurt, it was the "withdrawl" from being the center of my own attention that hurt.
My denial is about who _this_ person ( as in _me_ ) really is. I am a person who is proud, arrogant and deceitful. It is only when I get off my self-constructed pedestal and abandon those behaviors thru a program of recovery that I become the person I _could_ be, instead of the "attention addict" I am.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
thanks Mike... :-) nice to see you again.
My choices before 12 yrs ago were pretty stellar, good men, good friends and a good life, then I lost myself and started to make odd/bad choices.
My denials came along with the PTSD, it messed me up.
My choices before 12 yrs ago were pretty stellar, good men, good friends and a good life, then I lost myself and started to make odd/bad choices.
My denials came along with the PTSD, it messed me up.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
When I got involved with my xabf, I knew exactly who he was, I knew him as a drunk 2 years prior, he quit, but the warning bell was always going off.
As they say, detoxing is just a tiny first step , recovery is all encompassing and very time consuming.
I screwed up, big time and I payed for it. No I did not deserve to be abused, but to sit back on my arse and say to anyone that I did not know , deep down inside that it was a lose/lose would be a lie.
I think that is the part of it that made it so agonizing, the die was cast, and I thought I was worth staying quit for. What I did not know was that nothing is worth staying quit for. No regrets at this point, I can't live in regret, I just have to keep pushing ahead and see the tiny bits of healing everyday, the self beating is over, I have too much work to do to get caught up in regret, I want to heal and be happy again, that is all that matters.
I need to be the center of my own attention, or I will go back.
Thanks for the post mike, again, it was so helpful and painful at the same time. Today I grew
As they say, detoxing is just a tiny first step , recovery is all encompassing and very time consuming.
I screwed up, big time and I payed for it. No I did not deserve to be abused, but to sit back on my arse and say to anyone that I did not know , deep down inside that it was a lose/lose would be a lie.
I think that is the part of it that made it so agonizing, the die was cast, and I thought I was worth staying quit for. What I did not know was that nothing is worth staying quit for. No regrets at this point, I can't live in regret, I just have to keep pushing ahead and see the tiny bits of healing everyday, the self beating is over, I have too much work to do to get caught up in regret, I want to heal and be happy again, that is all that matters.
I need to be the center of my own attention, or I will go back.
Thanks for the post mike, again, it was so helpful and painful at the same time. Today I grew
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Katie, thanks for that share.
The guy (alcoholic) I was with for 5 yrs, well he never showed me who he was, but this last guy, well he told me who he was in the first month.
Oddly, I respected his honesty and knew I was never going to be with him in any sort of relationship, but somehow my denial got the best of me 7 months after meeting him.
Never did I meet anyone who confided so much in me so quickly.
And when I saw he moved 3000 miles away to change his life from criminal to good citizen, I also respected that.
Problem is, now that he doesn't live a life of crime and has a great job, great place to live etc.....his demons still swirled around his head.
I send him love, wish him well and will never speak to him again.
The guy (alcoholic) I was with for 5 yrs, well he never showed me who he was, but this last guy, well he told me who he was in the first month.
Oddly, I respected his honesty and knew I was never going to be with him in any sort of relationship, but somehow my denial got the best of me 7 months after meeting him.
Never did I meet anyone who confided so much in me so quickly.
And when I saw he moved 3000 miles away to change his life from criminal to good citizen, I also respected that.
Problem is, now that he doesn't live a life of crime and has a great job, great place to live etc.....his demons still swirled around his head.
I send him love, wish him well and will never speak to him again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
hahah!
This made me think, you know, I've become so superficial with looks, that if a guy had one small physical imperfection, I would not be with him, but he can be emotionally and mentally F*CKED up and, yeah, well it's ok with me!
I was never in my life so shallow and superficial until I joined the gym 15 yrs ago and got into great shape. I seriously won't even look at a guy who is not in shape.
So yeah slim balls, I am gone, but if he's a slimball, well I am all over that ;-)
This made me think, you know, I've become so superficial with looks, that if a guy had one small physical imperfection, I would not be with him, but he can be emotionally and mentally F*CKED up and, yeah, well it's ok with me!
I was never in my life so shallow and superficial until I joined the gym 15 yrs ago and got into great shape. I seriously won't even look at a guy who is not in shape.
So yeah slim balls, I am gone, but if he's a slimball, well I am all over that ;-)
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
geez, this seems like a thread hijack, which I didn't mean to do...wonder if I should delete from this thread and just start a new one.... ?
.................................................. ....
I'm 54. I miss my AX.....feel so alone. The pain of wanting him--ok I realize, what I want is the FANTASY of what he was.---it's so hard to not pick up the phone. I won't do it, but...this loneliness, and not knowing how much longer I have to wait........
Having a bad night. I am just venting and whining. All the al-Anon meetings are very far away, and don't fit well with my work, which is ALSO very far away. Believe me, I realize I need to get hooked up and work with a Sponsor on practicing how to just DO life........
Never had a healthy love, never had a healthy, solid guy. And some of them have been extremely sick.
Abused horribly by my Borderline mother--first memory is of being in my diapers in my crib and hearing her coming down the hall. Reaction: ABSOLUTE TERROR. Dad was brilliant and wonderful, but also alcoholic (I had no idea until I was in my forties, during the years he was dying) and always gone on business travels.
Life was hell.
Needyness and having no idea of what boundaries are, plus all the other codie stuff has driven me forever, though I am infinitely better than years ago.
After a big heartbreak/messed up person back when I was 30, I spent 7 years alone, years ago, working intensively on my stuff.
Next r-ship was with a nice but inadequate guy who refused to work. Not an alkie or addict, just very immature for a variety of reasons. And in my immaturity, I clung to him just because I needed tenderness.
When I read this: Don't be so hard on yourself -- it is really, really hard for nice women to find a suitable companion after a certain age. Any man over 50 that I would even consider dating (and have dated) left me for a woman in her thirties. It just seems to be biology. I love my guy, but even he is a pain in the ass. Women seem to think we are failures if we aren't "with" someone.----------
---------I felt even worse. All I've ever wanted is a happy love.....I've been in therapy many times...I needed it just to become functional. Guess I need to focus now on dealing with the loneliness, which paralyzes me.
But if the answer is that at MY age, there's no hope, you better get used to being lonely for the rest of your life.....then there's no reason to keep going. Alone is not happiness, for me.
.................................................. ....
Originally Posted by lillamy
I met a lady in Al-Anon years ago whose abusive AH died when they were in their 50s.
She met the love of her life when she was 75.
So there's no hurry.
She met the love of her life when she was 75.
So there's no hurry.
Having a bad night. I am just venting and whining. All the al-Anon meetings are very far away, and don't fit well with my work, which is ALSO very far away. Believe me, I realize I need to get hooked up and work with a Sponsor on practicing how to just DO life........
Never had a healthy love, never had a healthy, solid guy. And some of them have been extremely sick.
Abused horribly by my Borderline mother--first memory is of being in my diapers in my crib and hearing her coming down the hall. Reaction: ABSOLUTE TERROR. Dad was brilliant and wonderful, but also alcoholic (I had no idea until I was in my forties, during the years he was dying) and always gone on business travels.
Life was hell.
Needyness and having no idea of what boundaries are, plus all the other codie stuff has driven me forever, though I am infinitely better than years ago.
After a big heartbreak/messed up person back when I was 30, I spent 7 years alone, years ago, working intensively on my stuff.
Next r-ship was with a nice but inadequate guy who refused to work. Not an alkie or addict, just very immature for a variety of reasons. And in my immaturity, I clung to him just because I needed tenderness.
When I read this: Don't be so hard on yourself -- it is really, really hard for nice women to find a suitable companion after a certain age. Any man over 50 that I would even consider dating (and have dated) left me for a woman in her thirties. It just seems to be biology. I love my guy, but even he is a pain in the ass. Women seem to think we are failures if we aren't "with" someone.----------
---------I felt even worse. All I've ever wanted is a happy love.....I've been in therapy many times...I needed it just to become functional. Guess I need to focus now on dealing with the loneliness, which paralyzes me.
But if the answer is that at MY age, there's no hope, you better get used to being lonely for the rest of your life.....then there's no reason to keep going. Alone is not happiness, for me.
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