Chris1000101

I seen in another thread where Tuffgirl said, “Own it. Fix it.” I feel this is one of those awkward moments for me again. There was a time when I remember wanting things to be fixed, but sis and I have since chosen to go NC. She has changed her full name and moved. My name is generic enough that even in a town of 2,000 there are 3 others with the same name. I moved to the east coast for a while and now the central states. I have different email addresses, different phone number and I never shared with them any social sites I was on. They will never find me.

Anyway . . . In working my programs, mainly ACoA and Al-anon, I will own what is mine and make amends where I can. As far as the alcoholics, my bio-parents and other bio-family, I do not care if they own it I do not intend to ever see them again. I am neutral with the idea today, I know it will never be fixed and I am okay with that. I know many in here have family or significant others in their life that have/had issues with alcohol, but has anyone else completely cut all ties and feels that it made accepting it easier knowing “owning it or fixing it” will never happen?

Eight Ball

My Story:

I had a huge row with my MIL about 21yrs ago now. I was a young mum of 23yrs with a 3yr old and a baby. She had upset my husband and I by the way she was treating her grandchildren differently and this culminated in a huge row on my doorstep and ended with her calling me horrible names and telling me to rot in hell.

My husband witnessed the row and said that his mum would not be allowed back into our lives until she had appologised to me for what she had said to me - she never did.

A couple of weeks after this outburst, my AH's sister got married and my 3yr old DD was due to be a bridesmaid at her wedding (had her dress, shoes etc) and we were all due to attend. As we hadnt heard from anyone on that side of the family (MIL, SIL who was getting married) we didnt go. Christmas came and went and my DD had her 4th birthday in the January and neither of our DD's were acknowledged, not even with a card.

My MIL, was married to an alcoholic (FIL) for about 25yrs and had divorced him a few years earlier. She was a bitter woman, who was very manipulative.

My FIL had been 'banned' from attending or giving his daughter away at her first wedding (due to disagreements about table sitting - MIL wanted her new BF to sit at the top table and FIL on a guest table) and no effort was made to end the hosilities between us and we were obviously 'banned' from my SIL's second wedding. We later found out that my MIL had basically told her other son and her daughter that they had to choose between speaking to us or speaking to her. They chose her and consequently the siblings didnt speak to each other for 20yrs up until recently at the FIL's funeral.

My AH was initially upset about these circumstances and went to see a therapist who told him that sometimes there are people who you just dont need in your life. This helped my husband feel better and able to move forward.

I also joke (but seriously) that our life has been quiet without her. She would have caused so many problems for us that it just wouldnt have been worth it, to have her in our lives. Both my AH, myself and our grown up DD's have no intention of ever speaking to her again and it doesnt bother us one bit. (I really dont think about it at all, unless a conversation occurs around the subject) My AH is now casually in touch with his siblings following the FIL's funeral.

There are those who do the whole 'lifes too short' thing but really life can be too short to have these types of negative people in your life too.

Seren

I realize how painful this must be, but it's a good thing, I think, to remove toxic people from our lives--including our immediate family, if need be.



Take good care, and enjoy the peace and serenity.

frances2011

My experience is that there are lots of us in the same boat with you.

*HUG*

Hard stuff. Those of us who choose to go NC, imo, don't choose it lightly. I've been NC with my older sister for 2 years. Not an easy choice, but it was the best, least harmful, choice for me.

My experience of people who have told me to "just get over it/life's too short/you'll regret it" is that they weren't there.

That said, I recently started a God Box where I write down my unsolvable problems and ask my God to fix things. I believe that I don't have all the answers or solutions. Since I have tried everything and every way I know how, I'm open to experiencing possibilities that are currently outside my understanding.

Who knows what will happen? I don't, but I will take care of myself today.

FireSprite

I cut all ties with my dad's family after he passed away because they were dysfunctionally toxic & emotionally abusive to my mother & I found their behavior intolerable & impossible to forgive since they refused to step up & take any responsibility for their actions. That was nearly 20 years ago. I've come to terms with my resentments but I can't make them own their actions & I'm not willing to spend my life trying. So, it's not addiction-based but I get what you're saying about having to come to terms with your side or part of an issue regardless of how the other party handles it.

It was really, really hard & sometimes I miss those huge family holidays so much that it physically hurts. But then I always realize that accepting them in my life means accepting the abuse & drama & I just can't. I just CAN'T open up & allow them yet ANOTHER opportunity to hurt me. In the decades since this division, a couple of my aunts have contacted me in an effort to resolve our differences but it's always so empty & without any regret. They aren't capable of seeing or admitting their wrongs but they expect me to welcome them back with open arms knowing that eventually they will hurt me again. No. And definitely NOT going to let my daughter get manipulated that way.

Whenever I get sentimental, I remember my dad's sister, my favorite-in-the-whole-world-aunt getting nasty with me on the phone the week after my dad died, sniping at me that losing dad was easier on me, my sis & mom because after all he'd only been part of our lives for about 20 years, whereas they'd known him their whole lives. Her loss & her parents loss outweighed ours by volumes & I needed to just get over it. I was 19, my sis 16.

I wonder if anyone thought to tell her son that this is how loss works when she passed away years later & he was only 15. Can you even imagine??

DesertEyes

I did, worked great for me. "They" may never own it or fix it, but _I_ can own and fix _my_ part. As long as I had expectations of the toxic people in my life ( parents, family, ex wife ) I was keeping myself enmeshed in the disease. I owned my part in making my own life miserable and I fixed it by going no-contact and working the program of al-anon.

Mike

Tuffgirl

Thanks Mike - this is pretty much my point. And if folks don't want to own their stuff - and you can't tolerate whatever that may be - then don't associate with them anymore.

I have to divorce...in the sense that my expectations of marriage and what a husband is are far too demanding of what my RAH can offer me. It is not fair of me to continue to berate him for not being what I want or need. I either accept what he can offer or not. And for me - I can't accept it. So I am owning it and fixing it. Its a kindness to let him go; there is bound to be someone out there who can accept what he has to offer. And his agreeing to divorce is a kindness to myself, allowing me to let go of the resentments that come with expectations not being met and move myself out of a toxic situation.

And going NC - wow what a blessing. But I had to be ready for that, and it has not been easy. But my life is much more calm and stress-free with NC. I miss the heck out of the guy I fell in love with. I miss that guy every day. But that guy wasn't real; he was what I made him out to be in my head.

Doing what you need to do to take care of yourself is not selfish. It is survival. Stay strong!
~T

cricket123

Thanks for posting this thread.

I have gone NC with most of my non alocholic family because of their NPD. There are some I miss badly but I will not be the one to say life is too short to them, I plan on living my life and not having their toxic attitude effect me.

Chris1000101

Thank you everyone for sharing.

Eight Ball, It is nice to hear what your husband had done. That is not done enough and one of them eventually packs the lorry and goes. I agree life can be too short to have negative people around.

hydrogirl, Sis and I were in foster homes for a while. About ten years ago or so, I started reconnecting with a select few. When issues from the past were brought up for discussion many got defensive and stated, “Photos the police took were tampered with. Sis and I were brainwashed by the judge and children services. Etc. etc”. We had no choice but to burn all bridges. Foster homes being what they are contact is at a minimum. It is okay to be alone but I have to agree that it can be painful if I allow the loneliness to settle in.

frances2011, To cut off the entire bio-family was not an easy decision but it had to be done. I remember hearing, "Just get over it. - Life is too short. - You were too young to remember it that never happened." The sad thing is they were never there they have no clue. I know I do not have any answers or solutions. One day at a time doing what I am lead to believe is right is all I can do.

FireSprite, The last foster home would have family holidays and it is something I am hoping to have on my own. Prior to that, there were no holidays or birthdays. I cannot say I get sentimental for what could have been. What is done . . . is done. I am taking what I did like and building on it.

DesertEyes, Thank you . . . ouch!! I really need to look at this objectively and I believe I still have expectations of my ex wife thereby making me enmeshed in the disease. I think the only realistic expectation I have is being able to spend time with my son; she has gone out of her way to make it impossible. There are other expectations of the ex that I need to let go of but apparently do not want to. This is going to be a long road . . .

Tuffgirl, I believe my ex is my only hang-up. I have moved myself out of a toxic situation but it is time for me to let go. Going NC though is not an option I have to go through her to get to my son. I do agree that it is survival but I have been surviving for too long, it is time for me to start living again.

cricket123, Being around those with NPD is no fun. At least if someone drinks or uses drugs there is something to blame it on but when they are just jerks, I do not always know what to think about them.