Help. My life is crumbling.
 

So, I was set to marry my fiance of two years in May. He was sober the entire time we were together. In December, he began drinking again. He relapsed several times since then. It started out with him disappearing for weeks at a time. I broke up with him in early Feb. Most recently, about 6 wks ago, when he had 2 months sober, we considered getting back together. When I said no, he again relapsed, and began to harrass me, calling me, texting, emailing. He also began to harrass my mother, calling her at 3 am and saying "your daughter is a f#cking c#nt." I am now trying to get a restraining order because he most recently had been threatening to kill me.

I have tried not to burden my friends during this time, though I really could have used them more than I did. My BEST friend has been really tough. I did not see her at all during all the time he was harrassing me- she would say things like she was too tired to get together. I called her on average 2x per week. She also minimized what he said to me, which amazed me, saying things like, "he only said that he would probably kill you, I don't think he will really try, " despite the fact that he had come banging on my door.

recently I asked to talk to her because I was angry over the lack of support I was getting from her. She responded that she didn't want to see me for a while, because she had her own issues (which is ok), but also because she didn't want to have a conversation where i was mad at her. This really hurt me, the way she wrote it I didn't know if our friendship was over, and didn't understand. She does this frequently, where if I dare to want to talk to her about something I am dissatisfied with in the relationship, she will have her say, and then withdraw before I can speak. It has been over 2 wks now. She sent me an email apologizing for how harsh she was in her first email, but I am so angry now at her lack of support and how she has minimized what has been the toughest thing I have ever gone through, I don't know if I should give her another chance. (The issues that she is going through is that she is depressed, which I know can be difficult. I have really been there for her, though she hasn't been there for me).

i can appreciate where you're coming from in terms of lack of support. I've been amazed at some of the wonderful support I've received and then so disappointed in how unsupportive some people have been. This includes one of my sisters.
I think sometimes people get tired of the trauma in the lives of others.

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time. I can understand your anger. I wish I had some sage advice for you.

Hi Megan, sorry you are not gettimg the support you deserve, maybe some people can't handle it when they are down, but that said a best friend is usually someone you can count on through thick and thin. I have been suffering from depression because of my partners drinking, if anything it has made me more sensitive to my friends and their problems, but we are all different. Best if you are totally honest with her, she will probably realise that she needs to give you more support-hope so.

Megan,

Welcome to SR! It sounds like you are going thru some tough times right now, and that you don't have a very strong support system around you.

My own recovery has taught me that I can love some people even though I cannot trust them or depend on them. I've had to make some changes in my friendships - those people I turn to when I need help and those whom I am willing to offer my help.

In some places they call it "going to the hardware store for bread" when a person continues to look for something in a person who just isn't able to give it.

What helped me was to get involved in my own recovery. I've made some wonderful, trustworthy and life long friends in my Al Anon meetings. I'm better at choosing friends, and I am a better friend to others.

Read around here, check out the stickies. There is help and support here if you want it.

So sorry. I too had a lost the relationship with my fiance to his alcohol. I left 3 weeks before the wedding date, Last April. Following that he told me he was changing, getting sober, asked for my support. I tried to be a friend, but it was never enough for him. It also became abundently clear that he was still drinking.

Like yours he drunk called my parents, friends and sister at all hours of the day and night. He called my work. He showed up at places he knew I would be. After telling him I would not be part of his life as long as he continued to drink I blocked his calls, which meant he called from other numbers.

I got a restraining order at the beginning of this month. It was pretty easy to do as he had sent the threats by text. I just printed them out and took them to the courthouse. Immediately they assigned an DV advocate to me. In this state you don't have to be currently living together for it to be considered DV, just that you did at some point. Check laws in your state because they vary.

The DV advocate was awesome. She knew all of the laws and helped me file all of the paperwork. They first gave me a temp order and a court date. After he was served the temp order he texted me to tell me how stupid it was that I filed it. I printed it and faxed it to the sheriff. They immediately wrote a warrant for his arrest.

Had he showed up for the court date for the 180 day order, he would have been arrested there, and he probably knew that. He didn't show. I was granted the order. When they served it to him the next day, they also arrested him, a condition of bond was that there was to be absolutely no contact with me.

It has been quiet ever since. He has not called my family, friends, or work and I have gotten no calls or texts.

I never imagined I would have to do that, but I'm glad I did. print any text he sends, especially ones that threaten.

Hi megan,

This really jumped out at me.

I got angry of lack of support issues as well until I began to realize that I had unreal expectations about how other people should act and I was looking in the wrong places for the type of support I needed. I found that support here and in Al-Anon where I was given a set of tools that allowed me to see things as they really are and to begin to support myself. I also found a group of people who I could talk to who knew what I was going through.

I am willing to bet that your friend does not have the experience or wisdom to help you with these kind of issues and was starting to feel overwhelmed. Once I began work on myself and got my head together my friendships have actually become stronger.

Your friend,

I think the situation is too dramatic for your friend. Too much to deal with. Maybe you can make it about them next time. Enjoy your time together. Don't let your bad relationship ruin all your other ones. I'm glad you are getting a restraining order. That is a very abusive situation. Get out. Life is so much better than that. Hugs.

I had to change a lot of my relationships in recovery (including the one with myself).

For me this was a time of turbulence, chaos and incredible growth.

I was surprised that it was ALL my relationships and not just with my qualifier.

I am working on relationships that each person can be themselves as an individual, but that together we as a unit can lead to individual growth and growth as a unit also. It is very challenging.

I first had to decide what was working for me, and what was not. It was painful, but without acknowledging it I could not move forward.

Amen! Same here. On the good side, people I wasn't particularly close to became really good friends, while my two best local friends faded out of my life. And that was OK.

Someone said to me once -- and I'm hanging on to that -- that just because relationships don't last doesn't mean they're not valuable.

And I have CyranoAK's quote on my computer: "Change your expectations to match your reality." Like Mike said -- getting mad at people for not living up to our expectations is a waste of time. It hurts when friends aren't there for us, but now you know not to expect that from her anymore.

This is so helpful :tyou

Yes.. I know you should count on your friends but me personally never talk about my deep issues because of that reason.. I have had the same problem when talking about deep painful issues they would get turned off and just want nothing to do with it. Why I would share those things with a close family member but mostly my therapist or at groups.

I have found that with friends they just get tired of listening to all the drama and many
wonder why this situation has gone on for so long, they just get tired of hearing the same thing...over and over again.

Hi Meganw1972,

It sounds like you have been having a pretty tough time (an understatment) at the hands of your fiance and the lack of support from your best freind.

I am pleased that you found this website, because it is a great place to come for ES&H - experience, strength and hope.

I had a good best friend (GBF) who was very supportive of my circumstances, hearing my stresses of having to cope and live with an active alcoholic husband. (AH) There were times though when she made comments that didnt sit right and I felt that she really didnt understand the alcoholic/partner dynamic.

When I found SR it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, as I was now reading about/from people who understood the acoholic dynamic who had empathy for me, who understood exactly what I was going through and who I could relate to.

My GBF is still my best friend but these days I work through my troubles on SR and just update my GBF in an overall general view. I also feel better about not having to 'burden' her with my problems all the time. I know she doesnt mind listening but I get far more 'relative' ES&H here on SR.

We all have flaws or shortcomings, maybe your friends strengths are in other areas and it is something you can both overcome.

You have found SR now, so post as much as you like, use it as a sounding board. You will be surprised at how many have been through very similar circumstances as you, and come out on the other side.