am i wrong for feeling this way?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: the shire
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am i wrong for feeling this way?
so my XAB left me for another girl who is a recovering coke addict but is currently a heavy drinker (i call her alcoholic because she drinks a lot, to the point of she is getting pulled over by cops) and smokes weed a lot and who has a 18 year old son who is also high on weed everyday.
when we were together, i tried to keep his mind of coke by doing healthy things (like play sports) i never smoked cigarette, weed, i drink ocassionally but not to to the point of drunk drunk. but she comes to see him and brings alcohol and weed.
after i made a decision to stop enabling him (helping him pay his bills and rent) and after he binged a month and has loads of credit card debts and unable to pay the rent, he broke up with me and started a relationship with this girl (whom he is friends with since hs).
the thing is when we were together, there are days that he would miss work which means no paycheck thats why it was either me or his mom or his dad who pays his bills, but after all of us had stopped doing this for him, he went with her (the mom and dad doesnt like her). good thing for him now is that he goes to work everyday (as far as being sober i dont know) but he shows up for work.
now, i should be happy right? because at least he is trying to pick himself up. as far as i know is that he is never on any treatment. according to him is that this girl will try to help him out the same way she help herself out by being a functioning addict...like they would still do it in moderation but will make sure that they can still go to work the following day.
for those who have experience on this, do you think this will really work?
am i so wrong and bad to feel bad that a girl like her doing unhealthy stuff is more of a help to him than me?
i would appreciate your time and your insights.
thanks
when we were together, i tried to keep his mind of coke by doing healthy things (like play sports) i never smoked cigarette, weed, i drink ocassionally but not to to the point of drunk drunk. but she comes to see him and brings alcohol and weed.
after i made a decision to stop enabling him (helping him pay his bills and rent) and after he binged a month and has loads of credit card debts and unable to pay the rent, he broke up with me and started a relationship with this girl (whom he is friends with since hs).
the thing is when we were together, there are days that he would miss work which means no paycheck thats why it was either me or his mom or his dad who pays his bills, but after all of us had stopped doing this for him, he went with her (the mom and dad doesnt like her). good thing for him now is that he goes to work everyday (as far as being sober i dont know) but he shows up for work.
now, i should be happy right? because at least he is trying to pick himself up. as far as i know is that he is never on any treatment. according to him is that this girl will try to help him out the same way she help herself out by being a functioning addict...like they would still do it in moderation but will make sure that they can still go to work the following day.
for those who have experience on this, do you think this will really work?
am i so wrong and bad to feel bad that a girl like her doing unhealthy stuff is more of a help to him than me?
i would appreciate your time and your insights.
thanks
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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He doesn't need anyone to help him, he wants someone who won't care if he drinks or does coke whenever he wants. You were getting in the way of his buzz. Sorry to sound harsh, but I'd bet anything that's what it is.
I'm sure it hurts, but really, he has done you a huge favor by moving on. You deserve better than what he can give you.
I'm sure it hurts, but really, he has done you a huge favor by moving on. You deserve better than what he can give you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: the shire
Posts: 379
i pray and i pray everyday that he gets better, and i know that sobriety is a life long process. i wish he gets treatment, real treatment. i havent seen him for 2 1/2 months, the girl said that she is trying to keep him sober, but when he called me a month ago he sounded so drunk or so high....maybe he isnt doing coke anymore...but can he substitute alcohol and weed to stop doing coke?
thanks again.
thanks again.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 37
"am i so wrong and bad to feel bad that a girl like her doing unhealthy stuff is more of a help to him than me?"
You should never feel you are wrong for feeling & thinking anything, they're your thoughts and that's ok. To answer the first question, it sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. He's her problem now, be happy.
You should never feel you are wrong for feeling & thinking anything, they're your thoughts and that's ok. To answer the first question, it sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. He's her problem now, be happy.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
am i so wrong and bad to feel bad that a girl like her doing unhealthy stuff is more of a help to him than me?"
Maybe you could reframe this, and it's not about being wrong, but when we support unhealthy behaviors, we hurt us and we hurt them.
That relationship is doomed, they are both doomed, there is not one shred of good that can come of it. Please read what anvilhead wrote a couple of times, she is spot on.
This is not about you, being better, or being right, or being wrong or bad, it's about removing yourself from a relationship that is making you both sick.
It is making you sick, isn't it. Honey, you don't want to be sick, I felt sick constantly when I was in a relationship with my x.
Maybe you could reframe this, and it's not about being wrong, but when we support unhealthy behaviors, we hurt us and we hurt them.
That relationship is doomed, they are both doomed, there is not one shred of good that can come of it. Please read what anvilhead wrote a couple of times, she is spot on.
This is not about you, being better, or being right, or being wrong or bad, it's about removing yourself from a relationship that is making you both sick.
It is making you sick, isn't it. Honey, you don't want to be sick, I felt sick constantly when I was in a relationship with my x.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
MrsBrownie,
I understand you are hurting. I really get it. So I am saying this gently.....
Take your power back, stop wondering what he is doing in his new dope den, he is no longer your concern, and she most certainly is not your business.
They are addicts, doing what addicts do. They are lost to addiction. He is unavailable You have to go forward.
Why do you think you deserve a guy like this? There are 1000's of available healthy men, who can be a committed partner, and add love and joy to your life.
You have a guardian angel somewhere, looking after you. Give yourself some time. It's ok to grieve, but try to do something good for yourself each day.
Keep posting, you are not alone.
I understand you are hurting. I really get it. So I am saying this gently.....
Take your power back, stop wondering what he is doing in his new dope den, he is no longer your concern, and she most certainly is not your business.
They are addicts, doing what addicts do. They are lost to addiction. He is unavailable You have to go forward.
Why do you think you deserve a guy like this? There are 1000's of available healthy men, who can be a committed partner, and add love and joy to your life.
You have a guardian angel somewhere, looking after you. Give yourself some time. It's ok to grieve, but try to do something good for yourself each day.
Keep posting, you are not alone.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: the shire
Posts: 379
thank you so much everyone.
either i am really blind or stupid, i dont know why i am having a hard time seeing this...i have talked to a lot of people, mostly friends of course, they dont even know one another and yet they say the same things as you guys have said.
i know that i already lost him, i know there are a lot of people in the ocean....its just really difficult for me because of all the men i have been with (5 total and im in my 40s already) this guy is the one i have the most things in common with, and he knows that too, for a minute we were soulmates and he knows that too. 6 out of our 10 interests are the same. that's why i am having a hard time to accept that the only thing that i dont do and cant do and wont do with him is drugs...and that's the only she can do for him.
i know it sounds crazy...or i sound crazy, ill move on and just like the rest....im taking it one day at a time.
im really thankful, i found this site....thank you for all your replies, it reallymeans so much to me, now i dont feel alone.
either i am really blind or stupid, i dont know why i am having a hard time seeing this...i have talked to a lot of people, mostly friends of course, they dont even know one another and yet they say the same things as you guys have said.
i know that i already lost him, i know there are a lot of people in the ocean....its just really difficult for me because of all the men i have been with (5 total and im in my 40s already) this guy is the one i have the most things in common with, and he knows that too, for a minute we were soulmates and he knows that too. 6 out of our 10 interests are the same. that's why i am having a hard time to accept that the only thing that i dont do and cant do and wont do with him is drugs...and that's the only she can do for him.
i know it sounds crazy...or i sound crazy, ill move on and just like the rest....im taking it one day at a time.
im really thankful, i found this site....thank you for all your replies, it reallymeans so much to me, now i dont feel alone.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
for those who have experience on this, do you think this will really work?
am i so wrong and bad to feel bad that a girl like her doing unhealthy stuff is more of a help to him than me?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
now, i should be happy right? because at least he is trying to pick himself up. as far as i know is that he is never on any treatment. according to him is that this girl will try to help him out the same way she help herself out by being a functioning addict...like they would still do it in moderation but will make sure that they can still go to work the following day.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by mrsbrownie 
thank you so much everyone.
either i am really blind or stupid, i dont know why i am having a hard time seeing this...i have talked to a lot of people, mostly friends of course, they dont even know one another and yet they say the same things as you guys have said.
i know that i already lost him, i know there are a lot of people in the ocean....its just really difficult for me because of all the men i have been with (5 total and im in my 40s already) this guy is the one i have the most things in common with, and he knows that too, for a minute we were soulmates and he knows that too. 6 out of our 10 interests are the same. that's why i am having a hard time to accept that the only thing that i dont do and cant do and wont do with him is drugs...and that's the only she can do for him.
i know it sounds crazy...or i sound crazy, ill move on and just like the rest....im taking it one day at a time.
im really thankful, i found this site....thank you for all your replies, it reallymeans so much to me, now i dont feel alone.
either i am really blind or stupid, i dont know why i am having a hard time seeing this...i have talked to a lot of people, mostly friends of course, they dont even know one another and yet they say the same things as you guys have said.
i know that i already lost him, i know there are a lot of people in the ocean....its just really difficult for me because of all the men i have been with (5 total and im in my 40s already) this guy is the one i have the most things in common with, and he knows that too, for a minute we were soulmates and he knows that too. 6 out of our 10 interests are the same. that's why i am having a hard time to accept that the only thing that i dont do and cant do and wont do with him is drugs...and that's the only she can do for him.
i know it sounds crazy...or i sound crazy, ill move on and just like the rest....im taking it one day at a time.
im really thankful, i found this site....thank you for all your replies, it reallymeans so much to me, now i dont feel alone.
Hi, it takes some time to come to terms with the reality of it all. It's unbelievable, my first step was to keep telling myself, I am powerless. And I am. Then I surrendered. Then I began the process of acceptance. For me, that was the very beginning of my healing, and I am still healing,
either i am really blind or stupid You are neither of these things, you are hurt, and maybe in a bit of denial, it's so hard to accept that someone you love, is very sick. You cannot be sick with him. You will begin to see the truth of all of it as time passes. It's best if you do not engage with him.
Keep posting, so glad you found SR.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
that's why i am having a hard time to accept that the only thing that i dont do and cant do and wont do with him is drugs...and that's the only she can do for him.
But I will say that from an on-looker's perspective you and he are fundamentally, absolutely not suited to each other: his over-riding desire is to be with someone who share's his addiction, which you don't, and one of your top desires is to be with someone who isn't addicted to drugs, which he is.
None of this is wrong, it's just how it is, just like none of your feelings are wrong, they are just what you feel.
I have been where you are, hurt and confused that a partner could choose a drug over me, and it took time but eventually I saw that it wasn't a choice between me/drugs, we wanted fundamentally different things out of life, and insteaad of trying to make each other be the person we wanted them to eb, we needed to explore the world full of people, at least some of whom must be a better fit!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 47
Sometimes two people's hurt places just seem to fit together, even if the relationship is dysfunctional. I agree that for your ex and this girl, it is their addiction. They are free to skate on thin ice together, you deserve better.
Now the trick is to figure out what is hurt inside you that made you choose him. After I broke up with my first addict, I realized how low my self-worth was that I would put up with that much of his crap. It's a work in progress, after him, I dated a 4 years "sober" dry drunk who still smoked weed, and went back to the previous ex after believing him when he told me he was clean. I realized he was abusing opiates when he borrowed money from me that I never got back. I guess I learned something along the way. I went no contact that day. Now, instead of just looking for shared interests, I look for qualities like integrity, honesty, trust, kindness, etc. Being single is lonely at times, but it is really nice being away from all the crazy, my own craziness included.
Now the trick is to figure out what is hurt inside you that made you choose him. After I broke up with my first addict, I realized how low my self-worth was that I would put up with that much of his crap. It's a work in progress, after him, I dated a 4 years "sober" dry drunk who still smoked weed, and went back to the previous ex after believing him when he told me he was clean. I realized he was abusing opiates when he borrowed money from me that I never got back. I guess I learned something along the way. I went no contact that day. Now, instead of just looking for shared interests, I look for qualities like integrity, honesty, trust, kindness, etc. Being single is lonely at times, but it is really nice being away from all the crazy, my own craziness included.
Last edited by boldaslove; 06-19-2012 at 09:07 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
I wonder why you think he is doing good. Doesn't sound like he is to me. She probably is bad for him. He is bad for himself. Don't let them be bad for you. Move on to someone who treats you right. He's already showed you that he doesn't care. You deserve better. Someone who cares about your feelings.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
May I suggest something to help you with this healing process. . .
Make a list of all the things you couldn't do with your former BF in your life . . .
go out with girlfriends
take a relaxing walk on the beach
rearrange the furniture the way you want it
sleep til noon
get up at 6 & watch the sunrise
watch a funny movie
read a good book
attend a concert
or whatever it is that YOU like
just think about not what HE liked, not what yall like - what YOU like, enjoy, want to do ~ and do it ~ even if it's sleeping with the a/c set on a different setting ~
Take back your life a little at a time ~ you may realize you have a lot more life to live than what you are thinking right now ~
Breathe, Just Breathe ~ and see what you can find out there that is Good, Healthy and Respectful for YOU!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Make a list of all the things you couldn't do with your former BF in your life . . .
go out with girlfriends
take a relaxing walk on the beach
rearrange the furniture the way you want it
sleep til noon
get up at 6 & watch the sunrise
watch a funny movie
read a good book
attend a concert
or whatever it is that YOU like
just think about not what HE liked, not what yall like - what YOU like, enjoy, want to do ~ and do it ~ even if it's sleeping with the a/c set on a different setting ~
Take back your life a little at a time ~ you may realize you have a lot more life to live than what you are thinking right now ~
Breathe, Just Breathe ~ and see what you can find out there that is Good, Healthy and Respectful for YOU!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
am i wrong for feeling this way?
What you do have control over is how you act on your feelings.
Because feelings aren't an automatic reason to act in any particular way.
Our instinct is to get away from feeling uncomfortable, or feeling pain.
But we also have reasoning skills so that, when we're uncomfortable or in pain, we don't run towards more trouble.
I think being left is never pleasant. I think when someone leaves us, no matter how much of a douchebag they may be, it hurts, because we believe it says something about us. It doesn't: It says something about HIM. You were no longer fulfilling his needs, so he found someone else who did: Someone who would let him pursue his first love uninterrupted (that would be his addiction).
Your feelings are what they are. Act in your own best interest regardless of what your feelings say, whisper, or scream.
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