I'm so angry I almost can't function!
 

My RAH asked me what he could do to "undo" what he had done. I told him that a good first step would be to move out of "her" house. He told me that he was going to find another place to stay.

A few days later I asked him where he was staying and he said that it was too inconvenient to go anywhere else, all of his stuff is there, and I made him take his stuff out of my/our house. He said that she would be moving into her new house in a few days (wednesday last week) and that he would be staying there alone until he moved into his apartment on July 1.
Apparently she didn't move Wednesday, she moved Friday.

I resisted temptation all weekend. But, this morning something made me drive by her house. I'm not sure if I wanted to prove to myself that he was telling the truth or prove to myself that he was lying.

Of course, his car was there, at 7:00 am, parked in front of her house.

I sent him a text and said, "I may be a fool, but at least I'm not a liar."

after texts back and forth the gist being, me begging him just to show me some respect and try to let me retain some of my dignity. He said my dignity is my own business and his living situation is none of my business.

I can't understand anyone who has the opportunity to be kind, or at the very least not be mean, and they respond with meanness.

I know the responsibility for driving past there is mine. But the lying is his.

How do you turn off your feelings? How do you just stop caring? I see all of his same behaviours, selfish, and only caring about HIS needs. I so badly wanted to ask him how he would feel if someone did this to one of our kids, but something made me realize that would be opening a door that I don't want opened.

let yourself GRIEVE this relationship....it takes time...

are you in a 12 step program like AL ANON?...

maybe its time to stop focusing on the A and now its YOUR TURN=self care we call it...

When I've been faced with this type of betrayal the ONLY thing that makes me feel better EVER is going No Contact (NC) with the betrayer.

Oh I go back, sure. I go back and try it again I'm desperate for that fix. Maybe he'll magically leave her and love me again. I also go back when I've been happy for so long without him that I forget I'm powerless over that madness and think I'm bullet-proof.

Each time, it jacks me up horrible. I'm talking fetal position weeping and gnashing my teeth.

Here, take a gander at this one, although there is a legion of us all singing your song.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rtner-now.html

Like my wise sister once told me, when I called her and said, what the **** is wrong with me??

There is nothing wrong with you, except you forgot Creator is your eternal partner. That's why there are thousands of us; to remind each other.

I went to my first Al anon meeting on Saturday. I will definitely go back.

The grief I'm feeling is almost overwhelming. I had a few good days, and now I'm sucked right back into the pain and anger.

It's ridiculous to want him to admit that he's hurting me, but that is what I want. I know it won't change anything, but I guess it pisses me off that he's fooling himself.

His mother called me last night and asked if I knew anything more other than his original "i'm just not happy." I lied and told her that I didn't. I can't decide if that's growth or just me protecting him.

that made me cry

I will read your link now, thank you.

You need to let go and begin the grieving process. He has moved on, I know it hurts, however, that is the realty. Nothing you say or do is going to change the truth. He is gone, there is no turning back.

I would suggest that you get yourself into therapy, it will help.

I am so sorry, I feel your pain.

Al-anon, therapy and learning about addiction helped me.

Also learning about the stages of grief. I was in denial for quite awhile.

The Journey for Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson was really helpful for me during this stage. There are actually chemical released in the brain that lead to some of this crazy emotional stuff. It is completely out of the range of normal experience chemicals....but is actually pretty normal when we have been hurt in this way.

It helped me to not feel so alone in my feelings, and it really helped me to know that I was not crazy.

Hugs going to you.

this is all normal behaviours....trust me... i have been there also....

time to take care of you now...:ghug3

dollydo: I am so afraid to let go. Part of me knows that it is the healthiest thing I can do for myself, but a louder voice tells me that letting go means the end. Letting go means that the love that I have felt for so long is dead.

LifeRecovery: I think I may go get that book now.

I've never taken care of me, I'm not sure I know how.

Al-Anon, definitely. Helped me immensely. There is NOTHING on earth like sharing your situation in person with a group of people who know and understand EXACTLY what you are going through, have gone through, and are feeling. Please keep going back. It saved my life. And it taught me Detachment. Which is what I think you could use some of right now.

I agree with making the effort to go No Contact. That guy is an azzhole and trying to be in a relationship with him is hurting you.

(((hugs)))

So he ASKS you what he can do to make it better, you obligingly tell him, he agrees but doesn't do it, when you follow up and call him on his failure, he tells you it's none of your business. Even though HE asked and HE agreed.

What a fun game...for him. He used communication to set you up and smack you down. Then he gets to go home to Laura and say, "She's spying on us, she's so jealous, she wants me back, she's crazy, and I told her off..." (this will inspire Laura's insecurity), and Laura will join him at being mad at you, it will be something else to unite them, she will feel sorry for your son and be extra wonderful to him to demonstrate how much better she is than you and reward him for knocking you down.

Win, win, win for him. Lose, lose, lose for you. Laura's being manipulated, but that's not your problem.

He used communication to abuse you--so consider taking away his "tool of abuse"; go no contact. Set up a visitation schedule and CS payment (have it garnished) and work only through attys.

There's very little communication necessary between divorced parents. Follow the schedule (drop off in drive, no need to go to the door), pay what's owed automatically, he can get his own copies of school reports and sports schedules (you aren't his social secretary).

Ignore phone calls, don't be within speaking distance, communicate in emails only (subject, verb, predicate--make them as short as possible), expect nothing, ask for nothing.

If he lets Laura meddle with your co-parenting, there's not much you can do about it. Don't get into a power struggle about it. As painful as it is, drop the rope and ignore it. Ultimately it won't matter (I know you don't believe that now, but it really won't).

This really, really works. And it will bug the heck out of him, and actually stress his relationship with Laura. Right now he's setting up a situation that two women both want him. Demonstrate by performance that you do not. This puts a subtle burden on Laura. She's got to live up to his fantasy of her (hard enough) PLUS compensate for the loss of you.

Trust me, withdrawal would be a very devious move on your part. And it would be healthy for you: stepping off the rollercoaster.

You can continue to love him however, you need to accept that he no longer loves you as his mate. He probably does love you as the mother of his children and you can still love him as the father of your children and with that mindset you can move on to new horizons, a new and better verizon of you.

Taking care of yourself is a gift that you give to yourself, we all need to develop the tools to take care of ourselves, both spiritually and financially.

painfully - I feel your anger. It pisses me off just reading your posts. Good God your AH is a moron. And I mean that in the sense that he will regret this one day. He will feel like a huge dumb-butt in front of you and your kids. So at least you get to live your life with dignity, whether or not that dignity comes from him (which it won't, so quit looking for it there - think hardware store and bread...)

Be angry. Go out to a quiet place and THROW STUFF and SCREAM obscenities. You have every right to be mad as hell.

But don't want this guy back. He just flew his true colors. Consider yourself 200+ lbs lighter in life and be thankful he is now someone else's burden. And go file for what is rightfully yours.

You deserve so much better than this. Hell, anyone does. What a moron.

Stay strong!
~T

Reading all of your posts feels like a warm blanket being wrapped around me. Thank you all so much.

I wonder how much of it is that I want him back, and how much of it is that I want him to want me back.

I would like to be chosen, I know that's a game I would lose. Well, I suppose I've already lost it.

Okay, back to being strong/non crazy me.

as far as parenting goes though, if the b*tch tries to undermine me again, I won't be freaking out to him, she can hear from me herself.

It hurts when someone rejects us. And it hurts worse when they reject us for someone else. God do I know that feeling.

Wow, you are so wise. That's very profound.

Ignore her. Don't give her the satisfaction of competing for your son. You've already won that competition. You just may not realize it.

She can take your husband. She can't take your son. Give her parenting attempts no attention and they'll dwindle. Fight her on it and you'll have heartache. You'll still win, but your child will be the battlefield.

These girlfriends, especially the childless ones just have to meddle. They do it to ingratiate themselves with the man. They do it to weaken the bond with you (you are more of a threat than you realize to her). They do it to play house/family hoping to prime the man for a second family. Join a divorce group and see how common this is and all the different strategies that mothers use to 'protect' their children from the skank gf. See what works and what doesn't.

Really and truly, ignoring her like she's a buzzing fly, or non existent, or a cute toddler playing dress up in her mommy's clothes (iow, not worth notice) really is the best way to go.

I know this is all new and a lot to take in, and it seems like your son is the hill to die on, but she's already dead on it, and you will see it if you just let it go. Let her play house (on DH's time), let her parent through him. There's nothing you can do to stop it, if DH lets her do it, and making him a tug of war will make her happy, you unhappy, give DH a means to mistreat and punish you, and confuse and hurt your child. Let her play house, and she'll tire of it.

Lil misses who cheat with much older married alcoholic men are not the most mature and patient women. Let it go and she will lose interest. DH will have her do the chore parts of parenting (particularly if he's an A), your son is not going to be easy to win over especially if you don't put him in the middle, so he will frustrate her, and when there is no fun reaction of rage from you, she'll start to prefer the child-free weekends to the visitation ones.

You'll see. Just let it go.

This I know to be the truth;

THE BEST REVENGE, IS A GOOD LIFE.

Good lord this guy is a slimeball.
You deserve so much better than he has to offer.

it's going to be all uphill for a bit, but if you commit, you can get yourself to a better place. And it will be so worth it to be rid of such a parasite.

Stay with us, we will walk with you and support you.
Hugs))))

Focus on how bad life was with him, what it's like being with a drunk. You can't trust or believe him. Then ask yourself if this is what you want for your life? Because he ISN'T going to change.

One of my favorite lines is from Thelma & Louise: "Thelma, you get what you settle for."
I don't know you but you can do a lot better than this. And ask yourself: is it love or is it need?

Al-anon is terrific.

Painfully, we are living a similar life and walking a similar path. My AH is hooked up with a young twentysomething girl who lives at home with her parents and works with my AH. She is always there to support his drinking habit and visit him and be with him in his shotty motel. It hurts so much I know. But be proud of yourself. Little victories, ok? There you are, caring for your child..feeling reality. I too obsessed over details but in the end, those things don't matter and will only drive us nutty. We are good women and we deserve better than what we have been dealt. We tried to stand by our husbands through sobriety but they chose to be selfish and give into to their illness. Please believe you deserve better. I get mad too thinking of the fact he has it so easy just moving on to the next woman trying to save him. You just have to choose to heal and that starts with No Contact. Its hard but you can do it. We will support you...prayers go out to you for strength to let him go.