painfully

I'm pissed at myself for buying the dream.

While he was blah blahing at the therapist he said that when he first got clean, he prayed to God to restore his family and to bring me back to him, he went on and on from there about his story. The therapist later reminded him of that, and said you prayed for something and God gave it to you and you've squandered it.

It was a petty moment, but it felt really good for someone to tell him that he may have pissed God off a little bit.

Last night, someone mentioned that accepting God was really difficult for them. They always questioned God's love, why would God do this to them? This is something that I'm struggling with. If God loves me, why has my entire life been occupied by people who hurt me and traumatize me?
I think that's going to be a big stumbling block for me. I've heard people say to those who don't believe in God, it's okay because he believes in you. For me, it has always felt like the opposite, I believe in God but I'm not so sure that he believes in me.

Summerpeach

This could have come right out of my mind as well.....

I do not believe in God, but the Universe as my higher power and I often asked why I'm being given all these lesson, but the truth of the matter is, these are all choices I make (not all, but most).
The universe will keep teaching you the same lessons until you are forced to change towards grown.

I often ask the Universe to STOP with the lessons already and just allow abundance in my life.

painfully

It's amazing how something so seemingly simple has never EVER occurred to me.

Thank you, truly, I'm going to hang on to that and hope that I can finally learn these lessons.

transformyself

ohboy this cheating stuff is so intense. I've gone through every stage you're describing and am SO thankful I"m past the stage where just reading your story triggers me into insanity again. You'll get here too, time will heal you.

The only good advice I have is to say that when this went down four years ago for me, I tried harder than I have ever tried in my life to consciously not obsess about AH and his nasty ***** but rather make my life better, right now, in the moment.

I vacillated between stalking them and working hard on myself. Hell, I even had a friend drive me to their apartment to spy, I dressed like Muslim woman so they wouldn't recognize me. I really did!!

What I was looking for was simply the truth. Betrayal of this size makes you crazy--don't beat yourself up for it. Now that you have the truth--and ain't that a real gift??--now that you have the truth you can move forward. Yes, it will still be very painful and infuriating, but you will get some freedom from that insane drive to uncover The Truth.

Summerpeach

Our couples therapist told my ex that cheating was a "terrorist attack on the other person"
My ex laughed at her.

Cheating is all part of the addiction process. They have no morals, no empathy and no respect for themselves, so why would they have it for others.

Cheating was the most painful part of the process for me.

wicked

Yes! It is like Miracle Grow for character defects! You could starve them (abstinence) but the roots stay, waiting for a little Miracle Grow to come back bigger and stronger.
Where can I find all these CD's oh, just occurred to me, Amazon. My friend Amazon.

thank you painfully. i will use this.

painfully

I feel some hatred toward my user name. I don't want to go through life painfully, I want to go through life strong.

painfully

Thank you, I needed to hear that.

I went to a closed meeting tonight. Thankfully they had a beginners meeting, a few of us went into another room with two regulars and were able to have a small meeting of our own. It was much easier to share and felt good to be able to have more of a conversation. Sitting around the big table at first felt intimidating, I wasn't sure that I would be able to hold it together with all of those eyes on me.

I choked out my story of what brought me there. I cried, I cried while others were telling their story, I cried when nobody was saying anything, I cried when it was done, I cried when I was leaving, I cried in the car.

I did let people hug me though - go me!

transformyself

Yes, go you!

You know, I'm not sure of exact protocol, but I have seen some folks change their names from things like MISERABLE FOREVER to something more positive.

I think STRONG would be a great name for you. simple and elegant.

painfully

I like it!

Strong - I'm not there yet, but I aspire to be.

angrywife

This doesn't sound like someone in recovery to me, this sounds like trading one addiction for another.

painfully

I agree, and it's what I've thought when I first found out. Still self medicating just with women instead of booze and crack.

EnglishGarden

I just want to say I'm so sorry for all this pain you are experiencing. And for how your trust and faith in life has been so shattered because of a very sick man.

I'm glad you have the meetings, glad you are supported and loved by the new people you are meeting in recovery.

For myself, my marriage to an alcoholic so isolated me emotionally and spiritually that I was not open to other people, my heart was not open, I was of no use to minister to anyone who might have needed love in a time of pain, I was unavailable to dear friendships and I was disconnected from my feelings and my authentic self.

It is no way to live. And sometimes our Higher Power just steps in and so shakes up our lives that we have no choice but to seek help and healing in order to retrieve the self we lost to the family disease of alcoholism.

God bless you.

NYCDoglvr

Bravo! Bravo! This is a huge step in recovery. We live in denial so much of the time and this keeps us stuck with an alcoholic. I hope you use this gift of vision to work on your own issues and let him go.

painfully

It's so odd that the thought of letting him go makes me feel physically ill (most of the time).

Sunday is Canada Day. Every year we would go to my family cottage and watch the fireworks, it's a tradition that I really look forward to. This year, the cottage is sold, my family is broken. My daughter has plans, so I asked him if he wanted to take our son to do something. He said he already had plans and was considering bringing our son, but "she" would be there. I responded that I was not prepared to have my son spend a day that I will already be mourning with her.

He said he understood.

So, I am going to make some sort of new tradition with my son, instead of sitting home and moping.