painfully

I wonder how I can say this and have it sound as sincere as it is. You are all so wonderful. Every post gives me pause and helps me to look at things with more clarity. I feel like Blanche Dubois counting on the kindness of strangers. But, seriously, it's amazing that I find more kindness and understanding here than I do in my day to day life, and I thank you all for that.

Rejection sucks, abandonment sucks

I'm going to commit to continuing to go to Al anon and trying to let go.

Maybe I'll figure out why the letting go part scares me so much.

In terms of the parenting part. My post about yelling at her, I wasn't really serious, I would never intentionally put my kids in harm's way. Gah, tears as I type that realizing that being raised by an alcoholic/crack addict most certainly put them in harms way. From this day forward, I will never intentionally put my children in harms way.

Carol Star

It helped me to write down the stuff that made me angry- and every time I missed him I read the list. I started seeing the real way it was- not how I wanted it to be. I also prayed to be able to go no contact. One day I knew contact was hurting ME and I didn't want to blow my serenity for that day. And TIME is what it will take. It won't be any better for the next lady, or the next......my doc says " being with an alcoholic is like having a red, racecar, with no engine in it...." You aren't alone. The Eckart Tolle book helped me- A New Earth. And the other classics- Code No More, Women Who Love Too Much.......

fourmaggie

it takes little steps...

for me everyday...a coffee and 10 min read of my COURAGE to CHANGE

painfully

Carol Star: I know talking to him blows my serenity to pieces. So does driving by his girlfriends house to see if his car is there. It's like I'm possessed by a crazy woman when I do those things. I'm hoping Al anon will help me with that stuff.

fourmaggie: A friend of mind recommended that book to me. I'm going to pick it up (hopefully) at my next meeting on Saturday.

Tomorrow night we go to see the Marriage Counsellor. Hopefully the sane, confident, poised me shows up at the appointment and not the raving lunatic me that seems to be lurking in the shadows.

I'm trying to not have too many expectations of what I want out of the appointment. Mostly what I want from him is honesty, but I suppose that's like wanting my dog to poop gold.

tjp613

Actually, marriage counseling is highly recommended for couples going through a divorce when children are involved. Not sure if it's true in the OP's case but the goal is to 'divorce as friends' so that the child benefits from that harmony. If nothing else, it provides the possibility of constructive conversation where each party is at least somewhat likely to "be heard".

SoaringSpirits

I know what you mean!

griswold

I am having a hard time dealing with this as well. However, the part I fail to realize is its "the love I have felt for so long is dead." I have this idea of our marriage and my RAW has another idea marriage; which in turn she is filling on Friday. I think we keep that hope and that dream alive in our head for so long that we forget about ourselves. We don't have to wait on the A any longer, we have the right to live our own lives and to have our own dreams. If in the end that means the dreams we once had with that person are over, then so be it. In the end we deserve to be happy. Keep plugging along, keep reading and venting on here and keep going to Al-Anon.

Seren

This is just my opinion, but....

Even though letting go of your husband feels like you are giving up on that love, it's really still alive in this world in your children.

painfully

anvilhead: He has stated that he will answer whatever I ask as long as it is with a disinterested third party. I need some answers, they likely won't help me much, but I want to know them anyway.

griswold: thank you, I'm glad someone else understands what I mean by that.

hydrogirl: that is such a lovely sentiment, it made me smile

Last night I was talking to my sister. She told me that anytime I feel like I'm boarding the crazy train, that I should call her and she'll help me through it. One of the things I'm struggling with is that I have no idea what this woman even looks like. She lives so close to me, she could be in the lineup behind me at the grocery store. Eventually I will find out what she looks like, and eventually I'll have the ability to confront her and tell her exactly what I think of her. My sister, who is very kind, reminded me that SHE is as much a victim of my husband's lies and manipulations as I am.

How can two people who are in recovery and supposedly working an honest program, act so completely dishonestly. I know that she doesn't owe me anything, but she certainly is NOT acting even in her own best interest, never mind the pain her actions caused others. Maybe one day I can feel sorry for her, for right now I think she's a skank.

sweetteewalls

I know what my husbands little mistress looks like and it doesn't help. It makes me even sicker to my stomach. Painfully, I just feel scared for you because there is nothing you will have answered that makes a difference. I feel like you're just going to be hurt. Deep down you know what you need to do, we all know...we just keep convincing that somehow getting "answers" will help us. Nothing will make you understand why your husband chose what he did. The sooner you can detatch, go minimal contact and move forward, the happier and less weight you will feel.

Summerpeach

I feel your pain. When I was with my ex alcoholic, I was riding first class on the crazy train.
Never have I been on a ride like that. No other relationship has put on that crazy train like it did with this alcoholic.
I suspected my ex for 2 yrs of cheating and finally caught him. I had no kids with him, so walked away the second I find out and never took him back.
When I saw the person he was having an affair with, I freaked. She was someone he knew from high school and would talk bad about. She has Borderline personality disorder, is loud, obnoxious, really overweight (my ex and I are weight lifters and in awesome shape), she was married with 4 little kids etc....and he was having an affair with her.
In most cases, I do not blame the other women, in my case, this trash bag knew what she was doing and when I left his sorry a*ss, she cranked called my house for 6 months until I put a trace on my phone.
My ex knew she was crank calling me and didn't put a stop to it.

This man was a "suit", good job, kids, good family, had most of his ducks in a row and was still acting like the bottom of the barrel.
Addicts have SERIOUS underlying mental disorders, so expect the worst out of your husband and never expect any truth to come from them.
They cannot tell the truth because it goes against their survival.

The BEST way to get him to respect you, is to respect yourself and don't react, don't talk to him (unless you have to), don't beg, plead and show your dignity.

It will be hard because now you're addicted to the ride, but get off the train and try as hard as you can to not have contact with him unless for the kids.

griswold

Summerpeach, hit the nail on the head here. You have to decide how you are going to act and react going forward; take responsibility for your role. There is no reason for you to abandon all that is you to get "nothing" from him. Take some time to meditate and think to yourself what you really deserve. You will quickly find out that "not giving up on love" is not the main reason for you still hanging on. Its not easy and takes giving up contact like Summerpeach said, then you have that freedom to be yourself.

outonalimb

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I know how much it hurts. My exah cheated on me too.

Like you, I wanted answers. I wanted him to explain to me WHY he did what he did. He never could. I don't think he knows why. His judment and moral values were skewed by alcohol. Its not an excuse. It just is what it is.

Al anon has helped me more than I can even begin to tell you. I found a sponsor about a year ago, began going to several meetings a week, got my son into alateen and we are doing really great now. We are actually happy and at peace. My ex...well...he's still out there...still drinking...still doing what he does...and I know he is very sad and remorseful. I feel sorry for him. I pray for him. But I'd NEVER go back for more. I love myself too much to do that.

Demanding answers from your AH as to why he does what he does is like demanding answers from a bi polar person or a schizophrenic why they do what they do or think what they think. They are sick. Their behavior is a symptom of their illness. Your husband is sick too.

Its NOT easy but you'll only find peace when you take this energy you have channeled into figuring out WHY and channel it instead into your own recovery. You can do it. I know you can.

Gentle hugs...
Mary

Live

I do not appreciate that portrayal of mental illness at all and find it highly inappropriate and inaccurate. It's offensive.
You can find me in a user created social group called Rinky's corner.
You will find that I have bipolar type I severe, it's a painful illness but read me...I am not irresponsible, dishonest or unable to answer for myself with truth and dignity.
Please learn and help free us and yourself from this kind of harmful stigmatization.

outonalimb

I'm sorry Live. I truly meant no disrespect. I am sorry I offended you. I guess I didn't express myself very well. Until I could accept that alcoholism was an illness, I could not begin to let go of the anger that I experienced when my exah did what he did. Also, accepting that it was an illness allowed me to have compassion for my exah...not scorn and hatred.

Again, I am sorry if I offended and for not expressing my thoughts more clearly.

Live

(((((Mary)))))

I need to speak out about stigma because it is the thing that prevents so very many people from getting the help they need and then keeps others hiding in shame, rather than getting treatment and living life.

Live.

painfully

Update:

Thursday evening we were at the counsellor's office. It was interesting to me to hear him try to bs the counsellor in his explanation of things. And even more interesting was that the counsellor was NOT going to be bs'd.

I knew nothing of this counsellor's background, but learned it during our appointment. He is a practising Catholic and the child of an alcoholic.

He pretty much called him on all of his crap and validated my feelings. At one point I apologized for being so angry, and he said that I was a whole lot calmer and rational than some of his other clients in the same situation and that anger should be expected.

He told my husband that he needed to be honest with me and stop being evasive. We agreed to meet yesterday morning and he was supposed to completely come clean with me.

So, here it is. Since he went into treatment he has been unfaithful pretty much the entire time. He has engaged in flirty text relationships with other AAs, he has met with and slept with women on the internet, and now this. He blame shifted and said that he wasn't honest about what was going on because he worried that I would leave him. So, of course it makes sense that he would leave me?

I tried very hard to listen and get the information that I wanted with some detachment. I wasn't very successful. I ranted and raved and when I told him MY feelings, I was beating him up.

I am still grief stricken. But, I'm not grieving the relationship that I had, I am grieving the relationship that I thought I had. I am grieving the life that I thought was in my future.

I went back to Al anon last night. After the meeting that I cried through, I went to my car and their was a woman sobbing in the car next to me. I asked her if she was okay, we started talking and we're going to meet up at another meeting tonight.

I also heard something interesting last night at the meeting. The person who was doing the slogans said that she heard something interesting about character defects. She was listening to an Al anon cd and that person said that someone was asking her about character defects and that everyone has character defects, what is the big deal? The answer given was that alcoholism is like miracle grow for character defects.

I thought that was perfect.

Learn2Live

I so know what you mean. I think I am also grieving for a life that never came to fruition. My XABF had all these plans of how our life was going to be. A big house with a pool, our dog, our own business. But he hardly took any steps to move in that direction. It was just a dream. A dream that I believed in with all of my heart and worked toward achieving. But today I am grateful to know that I did not sink into Codependence the way I would have 15 years ago. If this were the me of long ago, I would have already BOUGHT the house with the pool and bought the dog. And I would have worked tirelessly to get his business up and running. I would have been stuck with a huge mortgage payment, a bigger house to clean and maintain, a big dog to care for, and no money because I had spent it all starting his business. Not to mention all the work that would have gone into the business that would never result in anything. No matter what I had done, he would have relapsed the way he has. Because he never did the work on himself that he needed to do. You can run from your problems but sooner or later you catch up with yourself.

Summerpeach

When my ex of 5 yrs (who I left 2 yrs ago) came back into my life a yr ago, well he was "hitting" up every blonde he AA he could find. I just found out, the one he hunted down the hardest, he's with her now. He's 49 and she has two little kids and is 15 yrs younger than him, that should last a yr tops.

Also, my ex and I were in couples therapy and an AA couples group. The entire time he was telling our therapist and the group leader that I was delusional and crazy because I kept accusing him of cheating. I started to believe I was nuts as did the therapist....well the low-life was cheating......

Some addicts are truly disgusting humans...really!

jackthedog

I so know how you feel, been there, done that, and will probably relapse again, but I pray I don't. Someone on this forum suggested to me the book The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver. Not the usual self help book, helps you to persevere through the pain, not try to avoid it. I pray for peace in your world....hang on!