HopefulGirl71

I'll keep it short & sweet...I'm a 40-something woman who found the perfect guy about 16 mos ago. He told me he drank a lot but I didn't realize until a few months ago how much he REALLY drinks. We lived together & I would always find empty bottles everywhere. I could smell it on him & saw his belligerent attitude and would always try to reason. He detoxed SO many times and every time, I tried toughing it out.

Today I decided that I cannot take it anymore. I can't take the lies, the manipulation, the insults and the pain. He is a great guy...when he's not drunk. I love him to death but I cannot continue. I'm in my 40s and spending the night at my parents' house - I feel like a failure for having hoped in him for so long.

I pray that I can sleep tonight (what's left of it) and that when I return to the house in the morning, he's still alive....

Shadydeal

I just want to say that I am so very sorry! You are not alone here. I am a 46 year old female and gave 4.5 years hoping praying, crying.......ruined what self esteem that had and now giving up. It is a painful disappointment but to look at the bright side.....there is always hope for you to have a happier and health lifestyle. I tell myself this.....doesn't make it easier today but it's true. You can't change someone but you can change your own path. Read here often. You will find great support and realize many people share your pain. Take care of yourself.

HopefulGirl71

Thank you.

Strange how when my marriage ended after 18 yrs, that was somehow easier to manage than this relationship. I am a very strong, independent woman & I KNOW I will be better for this but it still hurts. It hurts that I gave SO much and that someone could be so callous as to not recognize it. I'm no angel but I really have tried.

Seren

Hello HopefulGirl, Welcome to SR!

I hope you have been able to get some sleep. Making a plan is much more effective when well rested!

Make yourself comfortable here and read all you can. This is a great place for support and information. You are among people who 'get it'!

marie1960

Hopefulgirl,

Five years ago I too was a 40 something year old woman who got involved with a boozer.

I knew he was a drinker.

As crazy as it sounds, his drinking was a non issue to me. (in the beginning)

I was never around someone who's focus and main priority in life was alcohol.

I was completely ignorant about addiction.

It was about 3.5 years into the relationship (and unknown to me at the time) that his disease started to progress. Everything he was doing and saying seemed to be affecting my life. My life was becoming unmanagable because of his unacceptable actions and behavior. I was paying the price for my ignorance.

And just like you, I woke up one day and was sick to death of his BS.

The blackouts, the ranting and raving, the anger, and the STUPIDITY of daily life with him had taken it's toll on my well being. His drinking was no longer a non issue, it was all consuming.

You my friend, are not a failure. Failure is recognizing a problem, and not addressing the problem. You can only keep a bucket under a leaky pipe for so long. Eventually you are going to have to call the plumber, and you are going to have to Pay the price for the repair. Better to pay a small price now, than waiting for the pipe to break, and ruin your whole house.

It's going to be ok. Give yourself a chance to adjust.
Just know you are not alone.

HopefulGirl71

Thanks, Marie...you made me cry...in a good way.

griswold

HopefulGirl,

I am in the same boat as you. My first marriage ended after 15 years together and even though that was a very difficult process to go through it is nothing like what I am going through now. Like you, I kind of overlooked the drinking when we first met but it eventually progressed to a point where it was affecting everything in the relationship. I also feel like I met the perfect woman but was she really "perfect" or did I have some idea of what I wanted perfect to be. As an alcoholic (drinking or not) she doesn't know how to have a relationship because she has masked her feelings for so long. Dealing with the junk of our relationship I always thought I was crazy for the way I felt or what I thought was lacking in the relationship. I realize now, I'm not crazy and you know what my feelings do care.

Just count your blessings that it has only been 16 months. You have worth, you have needs and your not crazy.

SoaringSpirits

Hang in there Hopeful. I'm 43 and separated from my alcoholic husband of 16 years. We are going through legal separation. It's hell disentangling from an alcoholic. They have their barbs into you.

Get to some Al Anon meetings if you can, they do help. And counseling with a therapist who knows alcoholism. And keep posting here on SR. You are not crazy, you are a normal person involved with a crazy alcoholic.

HopefulGirl71

Thanks, guys. I am hanging in there & I know it will be better. Today I'm struggling with the "what-will-he-do-without-me" issues. I know what I have to do and logic is winning but it's still SO hard. This is someone I love and only want the best for. I just wish they could see what they do....

chronsweet

Gosh Hopefulgirl - That statement really hit home for me. I was married for 7 years (in a r/s 13 years total) and while things didn't work there was still love and respect between us, still is to this day.

I have been with my ABF for 5 years and it has been THE most painful relationship of my life. I have had enough too. I think he thinks I am crying wolf yet again, but many things have made me concrete in my knowledge that when the lease is up this time I AM leaving. Especially when my 2 year old son told me last night while laying in my arms in the dark, "Zaza (his nickname) no like Daddy drink". That and my ABF leaving my little boy alone while sleeping to slink off to the liquor store while I was at work did it for me. Bottom for me has been reached. I am done. The love is gone, and the respect.

I have never experienced a person who is so able to take, take, take, take without any sense of remorse, appreciation, or thinking about giving back. Truly has been an eye opening experience for me if nothing else. I will NEVER get involved with an A again, ever.

HopefulGirl71

We just signed a lease a few days ago - before everything hit the fan...AGAIN. Talked to the new landlord & he's really cool about it but have to decide who stays and who goes. I'll leave but I just want to make sure I'm not responsible if he doesn't pay.

marie1960

What will he do without you?

probably the exact same thing he did with you. He's an adult man he can choose to care for himself, or he can drink himself to death. It's his choice. (And there is not a damned thing we can do about it.)

I have little faith in him paying for the apartment, not to mention he will be in his "screw you over" mojo. If you can afford the apartment I would keep it. Get a roommated if needed, but never trust an alkie with your finances. he will put you in the poor house.

HopefulGirl71

Well, since he talked to the landlord and I didn't, I'm going to follow-up with him (landlord) myself and make sure we're all on the same page. I know better than to take his word for it. Plus, if he IS telling me the truth, I'm going to ask for a new copy of the lease with my name removed.