Here I Go Again
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Here I Go Again
Here I go again, putting another man's stuff on the curb. Please say a prayer for me as I manage through this difficult time. Thanks for being there. Wish I had some black plastic trash bags.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Stupid would be STAYING in a bad situation. My friend, just focus on one thing at a time and you'll find yourself in a better place before you know it. You'll get there! Don't forget to reach out for help whenever you can.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am NOT going to let him try to convince me that what I am seeing is not the truth. I know what I am looking at and he is not going to put this on me. What a LIAR. I hate liars.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
When this person came into my life, I had such strength. So much peace and serenity. I was positive and upbeat and happy. I finally felt FREE for the first time in my life! And now, I have been reduced to a weakling. I have no strength left. I am a mess. Everything is a shambles. He brought chaos and disorder into my life every single day. Every day was another complaint about something. Another negativity. Every day another problem. I tried to keep him out. I tried to put up boundaries. I communicated my boundaries and he IGNORED them. And slickly made me laugh about ignoring my own boundaries. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't even maintain my own boundaries when a needy person comes into my life???
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Sending encouragement and support!
Oh she's still there, the lady with strength and boundaries and dignity! Matter of fact I think I see her backbone starting to reveal itself again now!
And looky, looky what else I can see.....
Is that the letter B on the front of your shirt?
B ~ Babe
I ~ In
T ~ Total
C ~ Control of
H ~ Herself
Glad to see *You* again!
Oh she's still there, the lady with strength and boundaries and dignity! Matter of fact I think I see her backbone starting to reveal itself again now!
And looky, looky what else I can see.....
Is that the letter B on the front of your shirt?
B ~ Babe
I ~ In
T ~ Total
C ~ Control of
H ~ Herself
Glad to see *You* again!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes, I am certain he and his family are calling me a bitch right now. But I have had enough and I am not going to sit around this house CRYING about a relationship that has sucked for so long and feeling bad about myself. I will not allow him or his behaviors and lack of communication make me feel like **** about myself any longer.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Healthy Relationships -- What Do They Look Like?
15 Traits of a Healthy Relationship
© Nancy Wesson, Ph.D.
1. Partners can manage conflict and differences without despair or threats.
2. Both partners protect and nourish the relationship and make it a priority (not addicted to work for example).
3. Both partners know how to be responsible for own needs and also for the care of the relationship.
4. Both partners feel "special" to the other. Arguments or fights do not lead to abuse or threatened break-ups.
5. Both partners can communicate wants, needs, feelings, and emotional issues with little or no shame.
6. There is unconditional love if not unconditional agreement.
7. The relationship feels and is nuturing, comfortable, and fun.
8. Both partners attend to the needs of each other willingly and lovingly.
9. The sexual relationship works well and is mutually satisfying.
10. Both partners can and do keep agreements (maturity).
11. Both partners are honest.
12. There is no abuse: physical, verbal, emotional (ignoring).
13. Both partners have boundaries:
◦Each person can say "no" to requests from partner when necessary without feeling guilty and tell their partner when something feels not right or hurts them.
◦People pleasing is kept to a minimum and neither one feels they are making a "great sacrifice" to stay in the relationship. Each person is able to do their work, attend to their children, care for other aspects of their life without threatening the relationship.
14. Partners can hear feedback from each other that they may be projecting old relationship fears or issues onto the current relationship.
15.There is commitment: exits are blocked in the relationship.
Not sure I understand what "exits are blocked" means.
15 Traits of a Healthy Relationship
© Nancy Wesson, Ph.D.
1. Partners can manage conflict and differences without despair or threats.
2. Both partners protect and nourish the relationship and make it a priority (not addicted to work for example).
3. Both partners know how to be responsible for own needs and also for the care of the relationship.
4. Both partners feel "special" to the other. Arguments or fights do not lead to abuse or threatened break-ups.
5. Both partners can communicate wants, needs, feelings, and emotional issues with little or no shame.
6. There is unconditional love if not unconditional agreement.
7. The relationship feels and is nuturing, comfortable, and fun.
8. Both partners attend to the needs of each other willingly and lovingly.
9. The sexual relationship works well and is mutually satisfying.
10. Both partners can and do keep agreements (maturity).
11. Both partners are honest.
12. There is no abuse: physical, verbal, emotional (ignoring).
13. Both partners have boundaries:
◦Each person can say "no" to requests from partner when necessary without feeling guilty and tell their partner when something feels not right or hurts them.
◦People pleasing is kept to a minimum and neither one feels they are making a "great sacrifice" to stay in the relationship. Each person is able to do their work, attend to their children, care for other aspects of their life without threatening the relationship.
14. Partners can hear feedback from each other that they may be projecting old relationship fears or issues onto the current relationship.
15.There is commitment: exits are blocked in the relationship.
Not sure I understand what "exits are blocked" means.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((L2L))) - Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. I, too, see the strong you with boundaries. You are kicking him and his stuff to the curb
I know I don't always get things or do things as fast as I'd like, but I don't stay stuck like I used to either. I also think that sometimes we just need yet another experience to reinforce that "okay, that didn't work" again and we get stronger.
Hang in there, sweetie, and no beating up on yourself!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I know I don't always get things or do things as fast as I'd like, but I don't stay stuck like I used to either. I also think that sometimes we just need yet another experience to reinforce that "okay, that didn't work" again and we get stronger.Hang in there, sweetie, and no beating up on yourself!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you Amy. I needed that reassurance. I really am just so tired of going through this same thing over and over. You're right, I don't get stuck like I used to either. Thank God for anti-depressants. Otherwise, I would be one hot mess.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
By Susan J. Elliott
Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean it's right for you!
In the years I've been counseling and coaching, many people say, "I know I've been in sick relationships, but I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like." There are many long and complicated answers to this, but there is also a simple one: healthy relationships make your life larger and happier; unhealthy relationships narrow your life and make you crazy.
Healthy relationships do not include mind games, mixed messages, or control. There is not a back and forth or continual makeup and breakup, or "I'm sorry, please forgive me" every week or so.
In healthy relationships, there is a partnership and a nurturing by both parties of that partnership. At the same time, each person recognizes the need to have interests and time away from their partner to nurture themselves. They don't need to have the same interests, but rather the same view of life. Healthy love is about taking care of yourself and taking care of your mate ... and those things are in balance to the point where they seldom collide.
Healthy people lead to healthy relationships and healthy relationships lead to real love. Real love does not seek another person to fill up what we are lacking. It takes a complete, whole person to really love and overly needy people cannot do it. Real love is balanced. Both partners love in fairly equal amounts. While the balance may shift back and forth, it is not lopsided. If you love someone who is not loving you back, or not loving you the way you love them, then it's not real.
When you place expectations on people to fill your empty places, that is not healthy. It's nice to have a partner, a companion, someone to help you weather life's storms, but it is not okay to look for someone to complete you or fix your broken places. That is not real love; that is dependence, codependence, and unhealthy neediness.
Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean it's right for you!
In the years I've been counseling and coaching, many people say, "I know I've been in sick relationships, but I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like." There are many long and complicated answers to this, but there is also a simple one: healthy relationships make your life larger and happier; unhealthy relationships narrow your life and make you crazy.
Healthy relationships do not include mind games, mixed messages, or control. There is not a back and forth or continual makeup and breakup, or "I'm sorry, please forgive me" every week or so.
In healthy relationships, there is a partnership and a nurturing by both parties of that partnership. At the same time, each person recognizes the need to have interests and time away from their partner to nurture themselves. They don't need to have the same interests, but rather the same view of life. Healthy love is about taking care of yourself and taking care of your mate ... and those things are in balance to the point where they seldom collide.
Healthy people lead to healthy relationships and healthy relationships lead to real love. Real love does not seek another person to fill up what we are lacking. It takes a complete, whole person to really love and overly needy people cannot do it. Real love is balanced. Both partners love in fairly equal amounts. While the balance may shift back and forth, it is not lopsided. If you love someone who is not loving you back, or not loving you the way you love them, then it's not real.
When you place expectations on people to fill your empty places, that is not healthy. It's nice to have a partner, a companion, someone to help you weather life's storms, but it is not okay to look for someone to complete you or fix your broken places. That is not real love; that is dependence, codependence, and unhealthy neediness.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
I have been there L2L. I am taking a break from dating and relationships because I keep dating the same guy in different bodies! We deserve better. I am working on forgiving myself for making the same mistake over and over again. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Now I'm finding it in the right places. Here at SR, at Al-Anon, and with positive and supportive friends.
I love the posts on healthy relationships that you shared. Thank you!
Love and light,
Lily
I love the posts on healthy relationships that you shared. Thank you!
Love and light,
Lily
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
:ghug3
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
It's in your sig line I need to read it over and over again today too.
Sending you lots of love and good thoughts.
Katie xo
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
It's in your sig line
I need to read it over and over again today too.Sending you lots of love and good thoughts.
Katie xo
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I feel like I can't handle anything. I KNOW I can. I remember the strength. But I just feel so weak. Thanks for being there. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((L2L)) - I think it's totally unnerving (not sure if that's a word?) when we feel off balance. It does pass, and you know this. You're doing what I usually do - posting about it and getting it a bit out of my head. I really HATE being uncomfortable, have a tendency to stay in what Tess/Anvil calls my "uncomfortable comfort zone" but gradually, am getting better.
Keep reading and posting, and breathe
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Keep reading and posting, and breathe
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I have done this so many times, I know exactly what I need to do. It's just getting myself to do those things. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!! I WANT ME BACK!!!! I WANT PEACE BACK!!!! I have to get this out of my head but I know it is going to take time.
Thank you everyone who has posted. You are my lifeline right now.
Thank you everyone who has posted. You are my lifeline right now.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'm a caretaker. The perpetual helper. The one that sees all the good in others and wants to help them be all they can be. Even when I don't KNOW that's what I'm doing, THAT's what I'm doing! Dammit. That's why I'm going through this again. I want to help people. At my own expense. I sacrifice my peace, my way of life, my serenity, to help men. I can't change the way I grew up. I can only change me. But I don't know how.
For all you parents out there wondering whether or not to leave your alcoholic or addicted spouse, yes, please do. Because THIS is who you become when your parent is alcoholic or addicted. And you can't turn the clock back and fix it. You can't FIX your childhood.
For all you parents out there wondering whether or not to leave your alcoholic or addicted spouse, yes, please do. Because THIS is who you become when your parent is alcoholic or addicted. And you can't turn the clock back and fix it. You can't FIX your childhood.
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