Here I Go Again
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Learn2Live,
You life is here, you are here, the peace is here.
It is all here within you, because I have seen it.
Now, you have been knocked over a little, but
since the last one, you have become quite self-assured.
Remember, "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down."
You are a little wobbly, but the weight at the bottom, the assurance that is still there is keeping you upright.
Soon, you will realize the lesson you were supposed to learn from this minor blip in the road, but, it is progress.
Your friends are here of which I am one. I have no doubts you will recover with more.
More life, more you, more peace.
Beth
(geez i wish people would stop hiding that damn pink paint gun!)
You life is here, you are here, the peace is here.
It is all here within you, because I have seen it.
Now, you have been knocked over a little, but
since the last one, you have become quite self-assured.
Remember, "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down."
You are a little wobbly, but the weight at the bottom, the assurance that is still there is keeping you upright.
Soon, you will realize the lesson you were supposed to learn from this minor blip in the road, but, it is progress.
Your friends are here of which I am one. I have no doubts you will recover with more.
More life, more you, more peace.
Beth
(geez i wish people would stop hiding that damn pink paint gun!)
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Beth I LEARNED the lesson so long ago and I have tried to change this about myself but I just can't! And now I'm crying again because I know it is NOT HIM, it is ME!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Jeez Anvil, made me cry 
You are so right and I am turning this truck around. I am not going to beat myself up. I refuse to be a victim. I am not going to allow what I discover about myself to make me feel bad about myself, or feel guilty, or feel broken. I am going to look at ME. I am going to clean up MY side of the street. I'm done looking at HIS side of the street. That is NONE of my business. Whatever he chooses to do to fix his own problems is none of my business. For two and a half years I ran around like a crazy person, spent money I should not have spent, answered question after question, listened to story after story, paid for professional help, made phone calls, did research, purchased clothing and food and trips and gifts and all sorts of things, all to help someone else fix their problems. And none of it stuck. He never made a lasting change in order to fix his own problems. And now it seems he is reverting back to sick behavior to manage stress. And it scares the bejesus out of me. That is why I so overreacted today and dumped all that stuff outside. I am going back into therapy this week and I am going to address my caretaking, my fear, my anger, and my verbal abuse.
Thank you Anvil, for reminding me of something I really needed to be reminded of. And it just goes to show me that if you can just keep them from moving in with you, your life is so much more peaceful. I've found this last time around that the main reason I was doing all this running around was because it was IN MY HOUSE. This place was my sanctuary. The place where I go to GET AWAY FROM all the damn chaos out there. And I let it in because of weak boundaries. I've got to work on those damn boundaries again!!!
You are so right and I am turning this truck around. I am not going to beat myself up. I refuse to be a victim. I am not going to allow what I discover about myself to make me feel bad about myself, or feel guilty, or feel broken. I am going to look at ME. I am going to clean up MY side of the street. I'm done looking at HIS side of the street. That is NONE of my business. Whatever he chooses to do to fix his own problems is none of my business. For two and a half years I ran around like a crazy person, spent money I should not have spent, answered question after question, listened to story after story, paid for professional help, made phone calls, did research, purchased clothing and food and trips and gifts and all sorts of things, all to help someone else fix their problems. And none of it stuck. He never made a lasting change in order to fix his own problems. And now it seems he is reverting back to sick behavior to manage stress. And it scares the bejesus out of me. That is why I so overreacted today and dumped all that stuff outside. I am going back into therapy this week and I am going to address my caretaking, my fear, my anger, and my verbal abuse. Thank you Anvil, for reminding me of something I really needed to be reminded of. And it just goes to show me that if you can just keep them from moving in with you, your life is so much more peaceful. I've found this last time around that the main reason I was doing all this running around was because it was IN MY HOUSE. This place was my sanctuary. The place where I go to GET AWAY FROM all the damn chaos out there. And I let it in because of weak boundaries. I've got to work on those damn boundaries again!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
What is the lesson? I guess I don't get it. Really, I just don't get it.
I was clear, open, honest. Not expecting a white horse.
Just someone who likes me the way I am, and know I am the best friend you could ever have.
And still, I get the crapola.
I am with you girl. It is me too. I give so many chances for him to get it right or even just make a move in the right direction.
I can't fix mine any more than I can fix his. Good God.
I am sorry for hijacking your thread Learn2Live.
Anvilhead, I am afraid if I had some MaryJane right now, well.........it wouldn't solve anything.
Beth
I was clear, open, honest. Not expecting a white horse.
Just someone who likes me the way I am, and know I am the best friend you could ever have.
And still, I get the crapola.
I am with you girl. It is me too. I give so many chances for him to get it right or even just make a move in the right direction.
You can't FIX your childhood.
I am sorry for hijacking your thread Learn2Live.
Anvilhead, I am afraid if I had some MaryJane right now, well.........it wouldn't solve anything.
Beth
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
L2L please be kind to yourself. I did the same thing, moved AH back in to pay the bills because he said he wouldn't drink. Itsn' that funny?
I went temporarily insane. You'll get your old self back. One day at a time. You're strong and you know how to take care of yourself.
I went temporarily insane. You'll get your old self back. One day at a time. You're strong and you know how to take care of yourself.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Beth you didn't hijack the thread.
My lesson is that I attract and am attracted to needy people, or people who don't do it themselves. I am still participating in codependent relationships. The lesson is that I am a caretaker. I need to learn to mind my own business. It's really hard to mind my own business when the problems move in with me!
My lesson is that I attract and am attracted to needy people, or people who don't do it themselves. I am still participating in codependent relationships. The lesson is that I am a caretaker. I need to learn to mind my own business. It's really hard to mind my own business when the problems move in with me!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
OMG you guys do you remember the last guy, the addicted alcoholic I was involved with who was having sex with his best friend's widow??? That's what brought me here to SR. Anybody remember that? I remember Anvil helping me figure out adjectives to describe that person. That was so helpful!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Feel like I'm making some progress. Just went for a short, fast walk! Gonna do another one in a couple minutes.
OK, OK, I know when I wake up tomorrow I will be in a panic over all this but for now I feel like I have gone through an entire stage of Grief in one day.
First, for the first couple weeks, it was Denial.
Then some Bargaining.
Lots of Isolation and Depression.
And today it was Anger.
Thank you Lord. Though my Anger needs control, I can sure use it in some situations!
OK, OK, I know when I wake up tomorrow I will be in a panic over all this but for now I feel like I have gone through an entire stage of Grief in one day.
First, for the first couple weeks, it was Denial.
Then some Bargaining.
Lots of Isolation and Depression.
And today it was Anger.
Thank you Lord. Though my Anger needs control, I can sure use it in some situations!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I remember cataloging the bathroom look.
And the switchplate!
bwahahahahahaha!
oh yeah, anvilhead is good with the adjectives....she just can't remember them cause she is getting old!
don't worry anvil, it is just jealousy talkin.
where's my hank? dang it!
And the switchplate!
bwahahahahahaha!
oh yeah, anvilhead is good with the adjectives....she just can't remember them cause she is getting old!
don't worry anvil, it is just jealousy talkin.
where's my hank? dang it!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
"It is too late to have a happy childhood. It is never to late to make it into a happy adulthood." A teacher of mine.
Many of the things you are doing seem to be heading in that direction. Just sending warm thoughts your way.
Many of the things you are doing seem to be heading in that direction. Just sending warm thoughts your way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Crying like an infant. I'm so ashamed.
As I always say, enlightment is painful, it's a mf sister. Your courage is amazing.
Be compassionate with yourself, please, all of this has catapulted you into learning , and learning fast, the other side of this is peace and happiness.
We adore you , and are so grateful for all of the things you have taught us in the single thread.
So try to give yourself a limited amount of time this morning to grieve and feel like crap, than up and out for another one of the walks, a nice cup of coffee, or whatever says to you, I am taking care of me. You have this honey, I know you do.
love to you Katiee xoxoxoxo
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I don't feel strong I am filled with anxiety. I can feel it coursing through my body. It is horrible. I'm glad my shares have helped people though. Thank you all for being there. I feel so alone and scared.
I am filled with anxiety. I can feel it coursing through my body. It is horrible. I'm glad my shares have helped people though. Thank you all for being there. I feel so alone and scared.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I felt so strong getting all his stuff out of my house and dumping it out on the sidewalk. Then my friend said "Don't be vindictive." So I put it in the garage. And then last night he sent me an email with all these feelings in it and it sucked me back in. I woke up at 2:00 in the morning, yet again, with all this anxiety completely overwhelming me and my body. Finally fell back to sleep at 4:00 and woke up the same way at 7:00. It has been a horrible day.
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