It Just Finally Dawned On Me
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Washington
Posts: 2
It Just Finally Dawned On Me
Hello,
I just joined this website because about an hour ago it finally hit me that my boyfriend of 6 years is an alcoholic. I have no previous experience with alcoholism, my parents never drank and previous boyfriends only socially, so I had no reason not to believe him when says he just needs to try harder to quit, and this time it'll work. It usually only works for a couple weeks, tops. And tonight I just realized what this means after running across an article on alcoholism. I'm kind of in shock at how accurate it was, talking about defense mechanisms and him thinking he can heal himself and giving himself special permission to do it because he deserves it and stuff.
Tonight he went to bed drunk and I cried, for the first time, about his drinking, and realized something is truly wrong here. For years I've watched him in constant struggle with himself, drowning in his own guilt and self-hatred about not being able to quit. I've always remained detached, for some reason thinking eventually he would overcome this and we could finally have a the real, deep and healthy relationship that I know is possible with him. I never really gave it a second thought because I trusted him, that what he was telling me was the truth, that this was just a phase and he'd get over it. I didn't recognize the signs of a true addiction because I didn't know what they were and had never really been around it.
But right now, it's like for the first time I have seen the light, and seen that his addictive personality has been detrimental to our relationship. It's very subtle and hidden because he is not an "obvious" alcoholic, he doesn't abuse me or anything. He gets goofy, which can be kind of annoying sometimes, and he wakes up feeling like crap....but it's that he has anxiety, and depression and is always so wound up in his own feelings and struggles that he doesn't have time or motivation to explore me, and my feelings, and our connection. There have been times when he gets really irritable or grumpy when he's (every couple of weeks) trying to quit smoking, but I can tell it's more directed at himself than me.
He doesn't drink that much compared to some other alcoholics, I guess, usually it's about a 6-pack or so a night (or about 4 really strong dark beers) for a few weeks until he is able to quit for a couple weeks and then starts again, usually after we've gone somewhere and people are drinking. He thinks of it as a "treat" that relieves him and makes him feel comfortable and confident...so if he's had an especially frustrating day or something you can bet he'll be using alcohol as his tool to feel better. When we first met I guess it used to be two 6-packs a night (I didn't know this til much later) but for some reason he gets drunk and sleepy faster nowadays.
I wanted to join and tell my story because it feels good to talk about it with people who are going through similar things, who aren't you real-life friends who will judge your man and relationship, I admit, I don't really know what to do about it, because I honestly feel like I deserve to be treated better. It's not that he treats me horribly, but it's like he's so distant a lot of the times and wrapped up in his own head about it all almost constantly. I feel like I deserve a man who will actually be interested in me and act like it, want to build a life together, be excited about things together.
He has been in my life for 6 years and he is a good father figure to my daughter, who is 7 and has known him since she was about 2. We have lived together about 5 years. We get along so well, and love each other so much still, but now, with this realization, I almost feel like he's never going to change, like he's wasting our precious time together freaking out about all his problems all the time. I myself have been to dark places within my own psyche and have had to heal a lot of things, but I've always eventually let go, and moved on, and so this clinging to and wading in shame and addiction is foreign to me, and it's like no matter how compassionate I'm feeling the sensitivity of this issue with him is a huge wall to us actually communicating about it.
He grew up with AA and Al-Anon, as his dad and step-dad are both alcoholics, so he knows the drill, but somehow he still thinks he can do it on his own, using his own willpower. It's hard to see him hurt himself, and it's hard not to be frustrated with him for not thinking anything outside of himself can help him. Any advice or insights are appreciated, thanks.
I just joined this website because about an hour ago it finally hit me that my boyfriend of 6 years is an alcoholic. I have no previous experience with alcoholism, my parents never drank and previous boyfriends only socially, so I had no reason not to believe him when says he just needs to try harder to quit, and this time it'll work. It usually only works for a couple weeks, tops. And tonight I just realized what this means after running across an article on alcoholism. I'm kind of in shock at how accurate it was, talking about defense mechanisms and him thinking he can heal himself and giving himself special permission to do it because he deserves it and stuff.
Tonight he went to bed drunk and I cried, for the first time, about his drinking, and realized something is truly wrong here. For years I've watched him in constant struggle with himself, drowning in his own guilt and self-hatred about not being able to quit. I've always remained detached, for some reason thinking eventually he would overcome this and we could finally have a the real, deep and healthy relationship that I know is possible with him. I never really gave it a second thought because I trusted him, that what he was telling me was the truth, that this was just a phase and he'd get over it. I didn't recognize the signs of a true addiction because I didn't know what they were and had never really been around it.
But right now, it's like for the first time I have seen the light, and seen that his addictive personality has been detrimental to our relationship. It's very subtle and hidden because he is not an "obvious" alcoholic, he doesn't abuse me or anything. He gets goofy, which can be kind of annoying sometimes, and he wakes up feeling like crap....but it's that he has anxiety, and depression and is always so wound up in his own feelings and struggles that he doesn't have time or motivation to explore me, and my feelings, and our connection. There have been times when he gets really irritable or grumpy when he's (every couple of weeks) trying to quit smoking, but I can tell it's more directed at himself than me.
He doesn't drink that much compared to some other alcoholics, I guess, usually it's about a 6-pack or so a night (or about 4 really strong dark beers) for a few weeks until he is able to quit for a couple weeks and then starts again, usually after we've gone somewhere and people are drinking. He thinks of it as a "treat" that relieves him and makes him feel comfortable and confident...so if he's had an especially frustrating day or something you can bet he'll be using alcohol as his tool to feel better. When we first met I guess it used to be two 6-packs a night (I didn't know this til much later) but for some reason he gets drunk and sleepy faster nowadays.
I wanted to join and tell my story because it feels good to talk about it with people who are going through similar things, who aren't you real-life friends who will judge your man and relationship, I admit, I don't really know what to do about it, because I honestly feel like I deserve to be treated better. It's not that he treats me horribly, but it's like he's so distant a lot of the times and wrapped up in his own head about it all almost constantly. I feel like I deserve a man who will actually be interested in me and act like it, want to build a life together, be excited about things together.
He has been in my life for 6 years and he is a good father figure to my daughter, who is 7 and has known him since she was about 2. We have lived together about 5 years. We get along so well, and love each other so much still, but now, with this realization, I almost feel like he's never going to change, like he's wasting our precious time together freaking out about all his problems all the time. I myself have been to dark places within my own psyche and have had to heal a lot of things, but I've always eventually let go, and moved on, and so this clinging to and wading in shame and addiction is foreign to me, and it's like no matter how compassionate I'm feeling the sensitivity of this issue with him is a huge wall to us actually communicating about it.
He grew up with AA and Al-Anon, as his dad and step-dad are both alcoholics, so he knows the drill, but somehow he still thinks he can do it on his own, using his own willpower. It's hard to see him hurt himself, and it's hard not to be frustrated with him for not thinking anything outside of himself can help him. Any advice or insights are appreciated, thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Cornwall England
Posts: 21
your story sounds alot like mine all the advice I can offer is to start looking after yourself and your child heal yourself you can't help him. he will have to do for himself. set boundaries about what behaviour is not acceptable to you and stick to them. good luck :ghug3
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
He sounds just like my XABF - he wasn't abusive to me, everything was directed at himself but it had a huge negative impact on me and our relationship. I too noticed my x would get drunker quicker on what seemed less alcohol - initially I wondered if he had a physical allergy almost! Then I found signs that he was hiding his drinking so what I thought was two glasses of wine was actually vodka plus.... I would question if your ABF is drinking more than you know.
My x also thought he could do it on his own - he can't. But I think he isn't ready to face the problem so the solution (no alcohol) will never work while he thinks he can manage it.
We had been together nearly six years, living together for most of that and I thought we would have children together but I saw that getting further and further away. I tried detaching but i couldnt do it and could not live with it anymore. I still love him but as you say, the relationship is not balanced. I was always there to cushion the consequences with damage to me. I finished our relationship because i wanted more but also I didn't want to end up resenting him and hating him. I didn't want to wake up one day and not care he wasn't home. I also thought if I removed that cushion, safety net from his consequences, he might have to face up to the problem.
The main thing I've realised is I've completely neglected myself and my needs over the last few years and have enabled him to keep drinking. I would advise getting help so you can make an informed decision that's right for you. Go to al anon or counselling - I went to a group for affected others which saved my sanity and meant I could talk to others going through the same thing do I could get practical advice on dealing with living with an alcoholic.
My x also thought he could do it on his own - he can't. But I think he isn't ready to face the problem so the solution (no alcohol) will never work while he thinks he can manage it.
We had been together nearly six years, living together for most of that and I thought we would have children together but I saw that getting further and further away. I tried detaching but i couldnt do it and could not live with it anymore. I still love him but as you say, the relationship is not balanced. I was always there to cushion the consequences with damage to me. I finished our relationship because i wanted more but also I didn't want to end up resenting him and hating him. I didn't want to wake up one day and not care he wasn't home. I also thought if I removed that cushion, safety net from his consequences, he might have to face up to the problem.
The main thing I've realised is I've completely neglected myself and my needs over the last few years and have enabled him to keep drinking. I would advise getting help so you can make an informed decision that's right for you. Go to al anon or counselling - I went to a group for affected others which saved my sanity and meant I could talk to others going through the same thing do I could get practical advice on dealing with living with an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Welcome IshtarsGirl,
You will find alot of support here.
Time to educate yourself about addiction. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Best to focus on you and your child.
You stated;
"He has been in my life for 6 years and he is a good father figure to my daughter, who is 7 and has known him since she was about 2."
NO, HE IS NOT. An active alkie is not responsible enough to care for a rock. His mind, and his focus is the booze. You my friend, are in what we call denial. (said without malice)
Please take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum. You will find a wealth of information that can help you as you sort out your life.
Keep posting, you are not alone.
You will find alot of support here.
Time to educate yourself about addiction. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Best to focus on you and your child.
You stated;
"He has been in my life for 6 years and he is a good father figure to my daughter, who is 7 and has known him since she was about 2."
NO, HE IS NOT. An active alkie is not responsible enough to care for a rock. His mind, and his focus is the booze. You my friend, are in what we call denial. (said without malice)
Please take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum. You will find a wealth of information that can help you as you sort out your life.
Keep posting, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi IshtarsGirl
Welcome to SR. I had to reply to your post as it rang so many bells with me. In fact it has had me in tears for the last half hour as it was like reading something I could have posted myself 3 or 4 years ago
This was me. Looking back now, there were dozens, if not hundreds of warning signals for me. I just didn't know they were warning signals. Each small thing on its own happened, was either discussed, argued over or swept under the carpet, and we moved on. I almost feel sick every time another one dawns on me....
For a long time, our issues were subtle too. The abandoned weekend plans due to hangovers, the disappointments, the times when I was struggling with things and he either didn't notice or didn't have the desire/interest to comfort me or even ask me. The one person who I should have been able to lean on, and who should have been "minding" me when times were tough, was the one person I could rely on the least, and was more often than not the cause of the tough times....
To me a 6-pack or so a night is a lot of alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint, and I like a few drinks some weekends or at an occassion, but this on a daily basis sounds like a lot. It has also been mentioned above, but if he is drunker than you think he should be, then in my experience he is drinking more than you know. This went on for a long time with my AH, and unfortunately I fell for his excuses - I'm tired, I just finished night shift, blah blah blah. All the time he was having sneaky ones, whether we were at home or out with friends. Again, I KICK myself over not realising this for such a long time....
Firstly, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. Five years of begging/pleading/waiting/hoping/manipulating/threatening/crying/screaming (and the list goes on) have done nothing for me or my AH. The situation has gotten worse, and I am now preparing to leave.
Secondly, YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. Please, please, please believe this. No-one deserves life with an A. Most of us hope that our patience and tolerance and support (aka enabling) will someday lead the A to realise they need to be a better person because we're being a better person in our heads. I wish it worked that way. If it did, I would have a home rather than a house, I would have a family rather than not having the grandkids I would so love to give my parents, and I would be in a happy, two-sided, loving marriage with a man who cares for me more than he cares for alcohol and pills.
Hope some of this helps and even makes sense. It is my second long rant so far today. Think I need to get me to an Al Anon meeting and fast!!!
Adventure
Welcome to SR. I had to reply to your post as it rang so many bells with me. In fact it has had me in tears for the last half hour as it was like reading something I could have posted myself 3 or 4 years ago
Originally Posted by IshtarsGirl 
I didn't recognize the signs of a true addiction because I didn't know what they were and had never really been around it.
Originally Posted by IshtarsGirl
But right now, it's like for the first time I have seen the light, and seen that his addictive personality has been detrimental to our relationship. It's very subtle and hidden because he is not an "obvious" alcoholic, he doesn't abuse me or anything. He gets goofy, which can be kind of annoying sometimes, and he wakes up feeling like crap....but it's that he has anxiety, and depression and is always so wound up in his own feelings and struggles that he doesn't have time or motivation to explore me, and my feelings, and our connection.
Originally Posted by IshtarsGirl
He doesn't drink that much compared to some other alcoholics, I guess, usually it's about a 6-pack or so a night (or about 4 really strong dark beers) for a few weeks until he is able to quit for a couple weeks and then starts again, usually after we've gone somewhere and people are drinking. He thinks of it as a "treat" that relieves him and makes him feel comfortable and confident...so if he's had an especially frustrating day or something you can bet he'll be using alcohol as his tool to feel better. When we first met I guess it used to be two 6-packs a night (I didn't know this til much later) but for some reason he gets drunk and sleepy faster nowadays.
Originally Posted by IshtarsGirl
I admit, I don't really know what to do about it, because I honestly feel like I deserve to be treated better. It's not that he treats me horribly, but it's like he's so distant a lot of the times and wrapped up in his own head about it all almost constantly. I feel like I deserve a man who will actually be interested in me and act like it, want to build a life together, be excited about things together.
Secondly, YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. Please, please, please believe this. No-one deserves life with an A. Most of us hope that our patience and tolerance and support (aka enabling) will someday lead the A to realise they need to be a better person because we're being a better person in our heads. I wish it worked that way. If it did, I would have a home rather than a house, I would have a family rather than not having the grandkids I would so love to give my parents, and I would be in a happy, two-sided, loving marriage with a man who cares for me more than he cares for alcohol and pills.
Hope some of this helps and even makes sense. It is my second long rant so far today. Think I need to get me to an Al Anon meeting and fast!!!
Adventure
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Washington
Posts: 2
Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate what you've all shared. I kind of feel like I'm at a crossroads with it all. I almost feel like he doesn't really know just how serious this is for me. This is not the life I want with him.
On one hand, it's hard for me to believe he's drinking more than I think, since he does it right here in our living room in front of me and rarely if ever goes out to drink. On the other, I'm not saying it's impossible. He seems to have deluded himself enough that I'm pretty sure I have fallen for a lot of his delusions as well. He is struggling and trying so hard, but it's like he cycles between quitting smoking and quitting drinking, if it's not one then it's the other, using doing one of them as the excuse that he can't quit both at the same time, it'd be too much.
He truly is good with my daughter, but I know what you are saying as the same dynamic between him and I exists between them: that he is not present with us because of his internal struggling.
All of this is really really hard for me to accept as a reality, because it almost feels like I'm betraying him by thinking of it this way or something. Like he is trying sooo hard, and I want to support him, but for me to look at what's going on in the bigger picture is hard and I think it's going to take some time to fully accept, because there's that part of me that says "what if he's not that bad?" or something.
Adventure, it's true, it's like the ONE person I want to be able to be emotionally involved with and supported by just can't get out of his own head and pain enough to really SEE me.
Thanks for writing you guys.
On one hand, it's hard for me to believe he's drinking more than I think, since he does it right here in our living room in front of me and rarely if ever goes out to drink. On the other, I'm not saying it's impossible. He seems to have deluded himself enough that I'm pretty sure I have fallen for a lot of his delusions as well. He is struggling and trying so hard, but it's like he cycles between quitting smoking and quitting drinking, if it's not one then it's the other, using doing one of them as the excuse that he can't quit both at the same time, it'd be too much.
He truly is good with my daughter, but I know what you are saying as the same dynamic between him and I exists between them: that he is not present with us because of his internal struggling.
All of this is really really hard for me to accept as a reality, because it almost feels like I'm betraying him by thinking of it this way or something. Like he is trying sooo hard, and I want to support him, but for me to look at what's going on in the bigger picture is hard and I think it's going to take some time to fully accept, because there's that part of me that says "what if he's not that bad?" or something.
Adventure, it's true, it's like the ONE person I want to be able to be emotionally involved with and supported by just can't get out of his own head and pain enough to really SEE me.
Thanks for writing you guys.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I just wanted to say something about this:
My exAH watched his Mom go to al-Anon and remove herself and the children from his Alcoholic father. He watched two of his siblings go into rehab and work a successful program. None of that made any difference at all.
A friends husband lost his Mom, his sister, and his step-sister to alcoholism. He continues to think he's "different" and can do it on his own or in his own way. He's still drinking.
He grew up with AA and Al-Anon, as his dad and step-dad are both alcoholics, so he knows the drill, but somehow he still thinks he can do it on his own, using his own willpower. It's hard to see him hurt himself, and it's hard not to be frustrated with him for not thinking anything outside of himself can help him.
A friends husband lost his Mom, his sister, and his step-sister to alcoholism. He continues to think he's "different" and can do it on his own or in his own way. He's still drinking.
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