Mo S

my Gram just got moved to a new nursing home in upstate NY where i am originally from. I live in FL now for 5 years and havent gone back since i moved. Said I would never go back- totally abusive, alcoholic dry drunk father, enabling mother, psychologically abusive Aunt all who looked the other way my whole life. Was sexuallly and physically abused by my father...

Gram is 87 with vascular dementia., I thought i said my goodbys when i left 5 years ago. However, after this recent turn of events: I truly miss her. She was my savior as a child. My bro and i spent many weekends with our grandparents free of the military type house we were raised in. I have PTSD and an anxiety disorder from the childhood.

Some would think i was setting myself up for a fall by going. I just need to see her one more time. I will set limits on the amount of time i spend with my mother and will not see my father...its been years and yes they are still married.

Family has no where for us to stay (thank God) so my brother, who is also in recovery and therapy will stay in a hotel room with me and we are renting a car. I am going to have room service and an indoor pool gosh darn it.

I have an anti anxiety med. I will need it. Already i am a little manic just planning and thinking about the trip. But see; i dont want to have anymore regrets: that I didnt see her, that I let her go too soon. I will be attending Alanon for sure.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to share this with people who "get it". Please dont tell me not to go- I need to for my soul.

Thelma

Good for you! I think you're very brave for putting aside your past and your fears for your wonderful grandmother. You won't regret it. Stay strong.

akrasia

Good job laying out your boundaries so clearly and deciding them ahead of time.

I see you're sharing a room with your brother. Have you briefed your brother about your boundaries? Do you trust him absolutely to respect them and be your ally in enforcing them?

Because sharing a space with him could compromise your boundaries. I.e., your father might drop by the room with him "just to pick something up" or your mom might come and camp out there for a long time or your brother will say, "Hey, dad and mom say we really ought to stay with them--you coming?"

My first instinct would be to get yourself into a room of your own, even if it's smaller and cruddier.

Mo S

Thanks for the feedback all. A: my brother and I are very close. He respects my boundaries and knows not to bring anyone to the room. He knows my history. He mentioned he would go out to dinner with Mom and Dad and he said he told my mother not to even invite me out of respect. He really "gets it". He also knows my priority for going is to see Gram. his priority is to see Gram and Mom. We have separate agendas and will both be working together to respect those. We both know we have very diffeent relationships with my Mother. I REALLY appreciate all the fedback. Thank you.

akalacha

FWIW I think going to see your grandmother is a good thing. Even though it will be difficult for you. Avoid your father, limit time with your mother, treasure the time you will spend with your gram. Sending you lots of support. You WILL be OK!