Likelihood of making it

Old 06-15-2012, 07:15 AM
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Likelihood of making it

I posted here recently about someone I recently met who is either an alcoholic or substance abuser or both. She is also in an abusive relationship with someone who has no job. Little or no money. And they have been together at least a year or longer. Anyhow, she is with no job. I think her elderly parents are her enablers. The last guy she was with broke her jaw and she still ran back to him. I think her and her current boyfriend are engaged. Just wondering - and I'm trying to cut off contact with her - but what is likelihood their relationship will survive any length of time versus spiraling out of control even further.
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Old 06-15-2012, 07:22 AM
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Do you run into burning buildings?
Would you jump off the lifeboat and swim back into the titanic.
Would you buy a cute tiger kitten thinking it would love you forever?


Not to be rude but these are RED FLAGS. Do yourself a favor and RUN.

Does it matter to you if she and her current boyfriend make it? What are you getting out of this "friendship"? What part of what you wrote above attracts you to this situation? Do you believe you can "rescue her"?

Use your mental energy elsewhere.
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Old 06-15-2012, 07:32 AM
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I guess that deep down I think she's a good person. Shes helped me through a tough time. I don't know. Seemed like there was a connection early on. Etc. I know I'm not in good place mentally now either and judgement is clouded. It just seemed like a lot of positives too. Though I'm sure the negatives far outweigh them.
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Old 06-15-2012, 07:44 AM
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"Birds of a feather flock together"

She is not a puppy at the pound that you can go and rescue. She is living her life EXACTLY as she chooses. It doesn't matter if this relationship lasts, if it's not this guy, she will find another one just like the last one.........

I am concerned that you are keeping this vigil, careful what you wish for, touch the fire you will get burned every stinkin time.

All of us were involved with that " deep down she/he is a good person". Nobody intentionally gets involved with an "ax murderer" so to speak. I have said it before, she is not who you think she is. Your fantasy is not your reality.

I would like to ask you what you are doing for YOU?

It's the weekend, you should be making some plans to get out and enjoy YOUR life.
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Old 06-15-2012, 07:46 AM
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If she is in a relationship with another man, whether engaged to be married yet or not - she isn't available.

You posted earlier that she has cut back on her communication with you. It seems that for whatever her reasons may be to stay in her current rel'ship, she is staying. I would suggest that you take this time (post divorce) to re-group and take care of you. What this woman decides to do or not do is her business.
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Old 06-15-2012, 07:59 AM
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I read your other posts and pulled these facts out:

You are recently divorced.
She has a boyfriend she has lived with for about a year.
She and her boyfriend are alcoholics/meth addicts.
She has lost her job due to addictions.
She and her bf have both been arrested for DV.
When she called to profess her love to you, she was drunk.
Her house is trashed.
She recently stopped talking to you, cut back on texting.
She has no friends or job references.
She said tried AA but it didn’t work for her, says she needs to change, but no action.


You have posted:

“it all confirms the sad truth and reality that I know... that there is nothing i can do to help someone like this.”

I've always believed God speaks to us thru other and he's speaking loud and clear here. Just pray for me to find strength to not make contact with her. I'll pray for her and if she needs a friend I'll be one. But I'm going to try to learn from this experience and move on. Thank you.



This really seems like a no-brainer. I'm sure you are struggling with your recent divorce, but what you need to focus on now is yourself. When you are ready for a relationship, make it a healthy one where someone can give to you as well as receive.

The weekend is here, and the weather is beautiful. Go out and enjoy yourself. Find some positive people and things to do. Starting over is hard. Don't make it harder.
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Old 06-15-2012, 09:15 AM
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To answer your original question, I think that the odds of THEIR relationship surviving or spiraling further out of control are impossible to guess considering they both seem to have enormous issues with dependency. (& probably co-dependent enabling)

I also get the sense (although not from anything you've said) that you think HE is her problem & that if she weren't with him, her life would become more manageable. She is an addict. Simply ending her current relationship isn't going to set her life on the straight & narrow & get her clean & sober. Only SHE can make that decision.

I'm wondering though, if you are hyper-focusing on HER relationship & HER issues as a way to avoid dealing with the fallout from your OWN divorce? I think it's a perfectly human reaction, but wish you could see that you'd be shooting yourself in the foot if you don't take this time after your divorce for yourself without getting sucked in to ANYONE else's drama.
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Old 06-15-2012, 09:50 AM
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You keep asking the same question in different forms...Our advice is unlikely to change. Do yourself a favor and expend this energy towards a healthy woman who isn't in a relationship.

And if you can't, start looking at yourself and why you are seeking such unhealthy relationships.
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Old 06-15-2012, 10:02 AM
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Here is one way to look at it.

Their relationship? Who knows what the chances are but they are together right now so that is the end of it really.

Your relationship (the one between you and her, what there is of one) stand at about zero percent from what I've read.

It is tempting to hyper-focus on something outside of our selves as a way to avoid our pain and the things we need to deal with. There is no secret way around those things though. We have to walk through it and come out the other side.
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