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Ran into XAB after 3.5 weeks no contact

Old 06-14-2012, 04:50 PM
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Ran into XAB after 3.5 weeks no contact

I'm so upset right now. Coming out of my CPAs office building who my XAB doesn't know at all....I hear "hi T..." I look up and it's HIM sitting in the passenger seat of a brand new shiny luxury car. My auto response was shock and I said what are you doing here? He said I'm with C who is his closest friend in AA. I look through the window and introduced my self to C totally ignoring my ex.

I'm so upset as he looks like he stepped off the plane from Aruba, tan, not a care in the world.....here I am doing the best I can to hel but I'm grieving. Clearly he isn't which makes me feel like I was used and played by him.

Seeing him triggered me and has my head spinning. To make it worse one of my best friends works for him and he's taking her and one other girl out to Hollywood tomorrow night for a fancy dinner. Who in the hell takes their employees out in corporate America a on a Friday night.
I know my best friend probably feels obligated since that's her boss but she doesnt seem that bothered to be going which really stings.

I was moving along carefully and in a positive manner and seeing him triggered the hell out of me along with hearing he's taking my bestie out on a Friday night.
Yes I'm sure he knows that it would get back to me and hurt. Since when he was drunk one night he threatened to hit on her and make out with her.

Please help me back to Earth. Ugh
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Old 06-14-2012, 05:23 PM
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First off why she told you is beyond me...might be more going on than you think. I know it really doesn't matter as you are done with him...Right?

As for him, to me, he is a player of people and their emotions, it's all a game to him.

I believe that what goes around comes around...so, he will have his time in the vortex.

Relax, do something special for you, you are the winner, he is the loser.
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Old 06-14-2012, 05:27 PM
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Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Breathe.

I feel your pain. Try not to let your imagination run wild. I know that is easier said than done. Trust your best friend.

Remember under all that tan and shiny car, he is still the same unchanged man. It's just fools gold. It isn't real.

Breathe!
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Old 06-14-2012, 05:32 PM
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Maybe spend some time with that quote at the bottom of your post?

Maybe write a list of reasons why life would support you by keeping you out of that illusion of glamor and addict power-tripping he represents.
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Old 06-14-2012, 07:38 PM
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Who in the hell takes their employees out in corporate America a on a Friday night.
It's really not uncommon. Yes, it hurts that he's doing great and you're not. I suggest reviewing all the reasons you left. Make a list of the objectionable, hurtful things you encountered. If he was really a catch, you'd be with him and very happy indeed. Best of all, hit Al-anon a few times over the next week. I promise, it will pass.
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Old 06-14-2012, 07:56 PM
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Some food for thought.

My xah one time said he couldn't understand how I was doing so well. I looked great he said. I lost weight, I got my haircut, I had a smile plastered on my face, and I had traded my car in for a minivan. Woo - he felt I was cold and awful for not suffering. I didn't say a word but the reality was that 40 pounds fell off me because I could not eat I was so anxious and in such turmoil. I got my haircut because it was falling out. I had a smile on my face because I was a mother trying to parent, I had traded in my dreams of a traditional family, sold my dream house, and moved to a town of 800 people where I knew not a single soul - to gain the financial ability to raise my kids on my own - so I got to trade a tiny car in for a mini-van (I have four kids).

It didn't feel great but I'm glad I looked great. A glance at a person is simply a snapshot. You can't guess at what goes on inside a life.

Be kind to yourself, continue your journey, and don't give him space in your head. Oddly enough once I actually did start feeling a little better I felt guilty that I was feeling better and he wasn't . Then I wanted him to really truly do better then me so I would not feel so guilty. Ahhh - still crazy thinking. I have achieved detachment now. I wish him well and don't spend a lot of time thinking about it honestly. You'll get there too.
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Old 06-14-2012, 08:03 PM
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FJ, it's hard when you're going about your everyday life and out of nowhere, blindsided by exactly the last person you wanted or needed to see.

Glad he looks good, cuz I doubt very much that he's feeling good and if he does, it's likely temporary.
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Old 06-14-2012, 10:25 PM
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Well I spoke to my friend and set very clear boundaries that any personal meeting or communication with my XAB is not acceptable to me and it will negatively affect our relationship. She agreed and said she understands how she's just a pawn in his game. I'm so hurt if she decides to go but I can't control it.

Truthfully I'm more upset with her than anything. Sucks when you feel a close friend doesn't seem to have your back.

I'm a bit calmer now but a little scared as he clearly will stop at nothing.
Very disturbing pre meditated behavior.

I'm hurt but I'll heel. Just so pissed at my girlfriend. He wanted them to go out Witt him cause he lonely and wanted laughs and hyjinks....very professional.
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Old 06-15-2012, 02:16 AM
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FJ can you get some distance away from this "best friend" ? and anyone in contact with your XABF?

I removed myself from anyone who knew XABF. I was able to meet new people and relax knowing they had NOTHING to do with XABF.

One day you won't give a damn. I swear.

Meanwhile take care of yourself, I suggest Alanon and AA meetings as a visitor, I swear some AA meetings when I was suffering imagining XABF and his "great life", were the no.1 healer, I was able to remember why I left and no shiny Mercedes, castle in France, trip to Hawaii or whatever would be worth inner peace and a life without the toxicity of active addicts , or just toxicity of people that don't hold you dear and cherish you.
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Old 06-15-2012, 12:41 PM
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Maybe it's time for a new best friend. She doesn't sound like a best friend to me. Under "Man Rules" what she's doing is complete BS and a complete violation. She'd be summarily kicked out of the Man Club for sure.
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Old 06-15-2012, 04:28 PM
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TakingCharge...your words are so true and helpful. Nothing is worth being with someone who doesn't love cherish and respect you.
I do attend alanon meetings but never AA. That's a great idea.

Cryo... That was breaking the man code boss or not. She is a ranging Codie who's not blessed with the awareness I now have. I want to say I would never do what she did but perhaps before I started recovery if I was in that situation who knows what I would have done our of fear of my boss being upset with me.
Such a Codie thing to do.

Here's the update I set a clear boundary with her that any person communication outside of a healthy boss employee relationship is unacceptable to me and I wil not be able to remain friends with her if she makes that choice. I hope she honors my boundaries but I have no control over that!

Today I got a text from her that she cancelled the dinner. I just wrote back saying "I appreciate your choice."

This is all still a check and file for me but I'm holding no resentment.
The reason I'm holding no resentment us because I spoke my truth and set a boundary for once. YEAAAAAA MEEEEEE
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