ettckm

I'm having a hard time deciphereing if i'm being controlling or growing some boundaries and would truly welcome some other perspectives to chew on.
I am a recovering alcoholic, will be 2 years on the 17th if I am granted the grace. I am in a commited relationship for over a year now. This is my first relationship on the sober side and I was as upfront and open about my history as I knew how to be. I was clear that alcohol is a matter of life or death for me. We discussed her drinking and how that was which is she can stop at one and not drink daily etc. She asked if that would be a problem, I answered I didn't know, it's my disease I need to not impose it on everyone and expect the world to spin differently as a result. I wanted to be the "cool" recovering alcoholic who had no issue with others drinking, hers especially. It's looking like the theory was great however the application isn't going so well.
She has admittedly cut back on her drinking and doesn't drink when I say I am coping impared which I am grateful for.

You can almost hear the music building up huh?

What I have come to know through expereince this past year is that I want my inner sanctum alcohol free. I've had some serious struggles in relation to her drinking. I know many aspects of the struggle are selfish, it feels better to me when she selects to not drink, like she gets how serious it is and I feel supported and like we are in this together. When she elects to drink, because she enjoys it it feels like her right to enjoy alcohol trumps my well being and health, it hurts. I've shared my feelings and expressed how grateful I am when she doesn't drink and have expressed my desire to live an alcohol free life with her. She is now feeling resentful and that I am suffocating/controlling, doesn't beleive me when I say she is different after one drink much less more.
I'm losing sleep over her drinking which is a problem, my head keeps telling me if she really loved me she would be abstinate because she knows it's a matter of life or death and means so much to me (I know my head can be scewed) and the fact that it's so important for her to maintain her option to drink knowing how hurtful and unsupported I feel as a result leaves me very concerned. We are talking about it and while it gets emotional it's staying on the table. I know the choice is hers to make and from there I need to do what's in my best interest, which is to keep the alcohol away. It's just so sad to me that I'm sober almost 2 years and here's alcohol still causing me pain (because I'm allowing it).
Has anyone had a similar situation and negotiated a working solution?
Thanks for just being here and listening to a selfish, self-centered and sel-seeking alcoholic. I'm sure I see the answer here I just don't like it. Please share if you can.

LaTeeDa

I have no direct experience with the situation you have described. However, I have a lot of experience with someone else's behavior being unacceptable to me. If another person's behavior bothers you, it truly is your problem, not theirs.

You say you want to negotiate a solution, but it seems that is already what has been done. It's not a negotiation if one person gets things totally their way, and the other person has to completely comply.

I admire your commitment to your sobriety and your awareness of what is okay for you and what is not. It appears you have a very tough choice to make. I hope you keep your best interests at the forefront.

L

chronsweet

I don't think you are being selfish at all from my own perspective. It is up to the individual person to determine whether they want to live or be in a relationship with a person who drinks, period. It is only controlling, in my opinion, if you expect her to change for you.

In my situation, I don't drink. My ABF does and I don't like living with an A. I am going to leave him if he can't get control on it and get some help. I have that human right to be happy in my home and to make a home for my child in which I find the atmosphere safe and secure. I believe you have the right to make your own atmosphere safe and secure and if someone's drinking is affecting you and you can't live with that, then you have some decisions to make for YOU. Given your past history with alcohol, I don't find it odd that you would not want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't drink. Given my past history with my addict boyfriend, I personally will NOT EVER be in a relationship with someone who drinks again. Ever. I'd rather be alone (as I essentially am anyways).

Hope that helped some.

CS

StarCat

The difference between a boundary and being controlling is that a boundary determines what we want in our lives and how we'll react to it, while controlling is attempting to change someone else's behavior.

Boundary = I don't want XYZ in my life.
Controlling = You need to stop XYZ.

You have every right to decide that you want an alcohol-free lifestyle. You can decide you don't want any in your home, you don't want your partner to drink around you, you don't want your partner to drink at all, etc. You can set boundaries like that.

In this case, though, since there is an actual person who is "your partner," and she doesn't agree with those boundaries, the situation changes. Now you need to evaluate (1) are these the boundaries you want? And, if so (2) what are you going to do about it?

If you want a partner that doesn't drink at all, she isn't it, and expecting her to be that non-drinking partner is trying to control her and change her into someone she doesn't want to be.

tomsteve

you arent in a relationship. you took a hostage and keep upping the ransom.

Florence

This i my opinion, take it or leave it. She wants to drink at home, you don't want alcohol in the home. Both of you have things at stake here.

But this isn't a temporary situation like a party or a retreat where alcohol is served and you can count down the time until that trigger is gone. This is your home. If you don't want alcohol in the home, if your sobriety is threatened by having alcohol in the home, you've already identified what your dealbreakers are and this is one of them.

With my recovering partner, I wouldn't dream of having alcohol at home, not because I'm afraid but because his sobriety is hard-won and I want to support that no matter what. But I do drink occasionally, never to excess, and I consider it none of his business.

EnglishGarden

I am completely baffled by anyone who protects his or her relationship with alcohol.

I am not an alcoholic, but I will not live with anyone who brings alcohol into my home. For me it is a trigger of traumatic memory.

If a man who wanted to live with me was not able to say to my request for a drug-free home, "Perfectly okay by me," and toss the bottle in the trash, then I would suspect that man of being addicted. And since my days of coming second to a drug are done, we would be done.

This is who I am today. You will have to decide who you are.

Hopeworks

When I was with my XA I happily did not drink... I was completely ambivelent to alcohol.

4 years later after relapse after relapse I enforced my no alcohol boundary with him and our relationship was over. The first thing I did was go buy a wine rack and fill it with great satisfaction.

I now can offer my guests a beer or glass of wine without feeling like it is a "temptation" to my then recovering A.

Everyone is different but it is what it is and frankly you and this lady are not compatible in a very important area of life.

There are very good compatibility tests you can take with a good relationship counselor that will identify other areas that there may be conflict with as well.

My XA and I took it and although you technically couldn't fail we had many areas that needed ....mmmm... discussion and comprimise.

I used to think red flags were party decorations... lol.

ettckm

I am most grateful for so many of you taking the time to respond. What I truly value here is that no one is telling me what I WANT to hear, you're telling me what I NEED to hear.

StarCat: Thank you for helping me to define the difference between boundaries versus controlling behavior.

TomSteve: I trust that since your answer pissed me off it must be more true than not, damnit!

ettckm

[I used to think red flags were party decorations... lol.[/QUOTE]

LOl...I tend to try to look around them while waving in my face for sure.

changeschoices

If I was in a relationship with a recovered alcoholic, I would never drink in front of him or bring alcohol into the home. However, I would probably want to have the option of having a drink if I was out without him with my friends. I certainly would not go out with friends and come home to him intoxicated, however.

changeschoices

sorry, double post.

tomsteve

oooooohhhh, that was something my sponsor pissed me off with." you just dont know what yer talking about!!!" welll, little did i know he knew about taking hostages. not long after he shared his experience, which was exactly like me only 25+ years earlier. that was another huge piece of humble pie.

NYCDoglvr

I'm also a recovering alcoholic (20 years) and a codependent. Does she drink at home? Does she get drunk? How often does she drink? It sounds like you're obsessed about her drinking but I'm not sure what part is the problem. Can you ask her to not have alcohol in the home, but it's fine elsewhere. She can drink at restaurants and parties, at other people's homes? It would be unreasonable to ask her to give up alcohol entirely.

The problem is you told her in the beginning that it wouldn't be a problem. Now you're asking her to change the rules.

My closest friend, someone I see at least three times per week, comes to my home and brings a beer. He drinks it and takes the can out. That's never been a problem. I had a party when alcohol was served but I never handled it. People brought wine and I told them to help themselves. The remaining bottles someone took home and another friend cleared away the empties. The thought of smelling wine makes me nervous, it's too familiar and trigger a craving.

I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable opening the refrigerator door and seeing bottles of wine or beer there. I have no problem being with other people who are drinking as long as they don't drink alcoholically.

dt2100

My experience with your situation is that I was on the other side. I have a AW who asked me not to drink when we got married because she couldn't handle it.

That didn't make any sense, but I agreed. Eventually, I drank anyway when I wasn't around her, as in on road trips for work. She didn't know. I'm not proud of it, but that's what happened.

A year and a half later, she rescinded the demand.

10 years later, she is drinking four to five nights a week, a six pack or more.

Now, about once a week, she asks if we can stop having it in the house, because she can't handle it. I always agree and abide by it.

But she don't honor the agreement she asks me to make. So the hostage taking is on a weekly basis, sort of...

She alternates between asking me to get rid of it and to go and buy it.

I have no idea what the future holds for you, but this is my experience.

I wish you the best.

ettckm

[Does she drink at home? Does she get drunk? How often does she drink? It sounds like you're obsessed about her drinking but I'm not sure what part is the problem.]

She's agreed to not drink at home, she has come home pretty buzzed a few times over the past year and since she has been with me she says she has cut way back as prior to me she would have a couple drinks most nights and now it's more like a couple a drinks a couple nights a month.

Yes I am obsessed about her drinking, I even kinda feel jealous, it's like the alcohol is a human here and it's still taking something from me, if it wasn't my parents it was my life and well-being and now with her, as little as she is drinking, It's still taking from me. Im still in the ring with it, still trying to control it despite how absolutley powerless I have been over it my whole life. I will choose to see this an an opportunity to grow and learn more about myself so that I may continue to recover but I'm having a hard time understanding my feelings. I have made her the focal point but it's obviously more than that. It's like I'm just now getting angry at alcohol.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I am very grateful.

ettckm

dt2100, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I appreciate your whole comment but the part where you said "that didn't make sense". She has said the same thing in respsonse to my attempts to "make" her understand. Funny, it always makes sense IN my head and I need to remember its a good sign when my logic doesn't always compute in others heads. It's not them, it's me.

Nacho

Alcohol is funny. When you start drinking, you think it's your friend. Over time, it can become your dominating enemy you can't stand but also can't get away from.
I had no idea how addicted I had become. It was only after quitting for a long time that i could realize how much it had come to rule my life. I'm much happier now. I feel like I did when I was a kid and before I started drinking.
As for your significant other, I date ladies who drink. It generally doesn't bother me. But, if they get intoxicated, it really becomes boring for me.
Last New Years, it seems I spent the evening taking care of very intoxicated people. I didn't mind . . . but it made me realize that I was probably one of those New Years drunks from days gone by. It made me cringe.
If you can't be around your significant other if he/she drinks, then I guess you have to move on. It will be painful.
I used to drink to kill the pain. I've learned that pain is a part of life and accept the fact that it is a legitimate feeling in life and one that shouldn't be suppressed.
But, I don't think you can demand or try and control your significant other. If you can't handle it, then just tell him/her. Let them decide for themselves what they want to do. If she/he chooses to leave, expect to feel pain . . . which will prove that you are alive.
Personally, I would welcome the pain so much more than I would welcome another drink. I am so much happier not drinking. My life is so much better.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

Cyranoak

I know it's tough. I drink and my RAW doesn't. There are some gray areas. That said, you are being controlling, and you are doing it passive aggressively.

If you are having a problem with her drinking even when she is stopping after one or two, that goes directly to a problem with your recovery, not her drinking. You are on her side of the street, not yours.

Talk to your sponsor about this and consider if you are ready to be in a relationship with anybody at this point in your recovery.

Lastly, my wife has a problem with me drinking excessively for obvious reasons. However, she has no problem at all with my having a 22oz beer after work which I do more often than not. She understands that she is an alcoholic and that my drinking, unless I endanger myself or others, is none of her business.

Your alcoholism is yours, not hers. My real concern about her is that she chose to have a relationship with an alcoholic barely two years into recovery, not that she has a couple of drinks every once in awhile.

Good luck,

Cyranoak

Tuffgirl

This above is awesome and I would imagine very humbly truthful. Thanks for having the courage to say this out loud and to this forum.

It sounds like she has adhered to the rules you set early on in the relationship. I had a very hard time when the rules in my relationship suddenly changed, and with a vehemence that I didn't know how to cope with. Have you tried to talk with her at all about this?