First counseling session coming up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
First counseling session coming up
AH made an appointment with a counselor that our doctor recommended. We go on Tuesday. I have no idea what to expect. Should I make a list of things that are important issues to me and take it in? Should I just sit and listen while he answers questions? This is something that I told him he needed to do and that I would go, but he has to be the one to make the arrangements.
For the past week or so, he has told me that he wants to be a happy person who likes himself so that others can like him too. He says he is now thinking with a clear head after I let loose with what I thought was destroying us. I must take a little of the blame because for years I put on the fake happy face when I should have stood up for myself. I have now set very clear boundaries, and am willing to follow through with action if they are crossed. No ultimatum here, just me deciding what I will and will not tolerate in my life.
I truly hope we can work together on this and have a genuinely happy marriage. I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks for listening.
For the past week or so, he has told me that he wants to be a happy person who likes himself so that others can like him too. He says he is now thinking with a clear head after I let loose with what I thought was destroying us. I must take a little of the blame because for years I put on the fake happy face when I should have stood up for myself. I have now set very clear boundaries, and am willing to follow through with action if they are crossed. No ultimatum here, just me deciding what I will and will not tolerate in my life.
I truly hope we can work together on this and have a genuinely happy marriage. I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: North Augusta, SC
Posts: 35
Hi feelingalone43....if this counseling is just for him why are you going with him? Has he stopped drinking? Is he in recovery, going to AA? If he wants to be happy and like himself, he has to do that himself and I think part of that will come from stopping drinking. You might consider going to Alanon for yourself during this time as it will help you tremendously.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
It is unhelpful to try to counsel together in the beginnning... do you have a therapist that you are seeing?
A's will naturally try to manipulate and control any joint counseling sessions with their skewed belief system and blame shifting especially if still in addiction. All therapists are not created equal... must have one that is well versed in addiction, codependency and has huge bs detector.
A good counselor will suggest seperate couseling sessions until the A has been in serious authentic recovery for a significant period of time before bringing the couple together in joint sessions.
It's a good first step... most men won't go this far and when they do they are often angling how they can use it to get their codep back in line...lol!
A's will naturally try to manipulate and control any joint counseling sessions with their skewed belief system and blame shifting especially if still in addiction. All therapists are not created equal... must have one that is well versed in addiction, codependency and has huge bs detector.
A good counselor will suggest seperate couseling sessions until the A has been in serious authentic recovery for a significant period of time before bringing the couple together in joint sessions.
It's a good first step... most men won't go this far and when they do they are often angling how they can use it to get their codep back in line...lol!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 82
There probably isn't going to be any "counseling" during the first session. The counselor is just trying to get to know you. So yes, writing down your issues is a good start so you don't forget any of them when you get there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I agree, when one person is an active alcoholic therapy won't work. His big issue is alcohol and he must take action to stop drinking. Has he admitted he's an alcoholic and can't control his drinking? If not it's pointless to go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
Thanks, everyone. His drinking is one of the things we actually agree on. I have set boundaries about it, and he is respecting them. I do not have a problem with anyone having a beer now and then. What I won't be around anymore is someone who binge drinks and gets obnoxious, rude, and angry. He drinks low-alcohol beer now, and no longer every day.
There may come a day when he decides that drinking more than that is what he wants to do. Then my boundary will have been crossed, and we will no longer be in a partnership. I am prepared for it, but hoping it doesn't come to that.
This counseling is more for learning how to let each other know what needs to happen for us to be able to succeed in marriage. He also needs to learn to deal with stress without being a sarcastic jerk. This is something that happens when he's stone-cold sober, and it finally dawned on me that I don't deserve it.
It will be interesting, to say the least, to see if he means what he says. I'm not ready to completely give up yet, but I will if I need to for my own sanity, health, and happiness.
There may come a day when he decides that drinking more than that is what he wants to do. Then my boundary will have been crossed, and we will no longer be in a partnership. I am prepared for it, but hoping it doesn't come to that.
This counseling is more for learning how to let each other know what needs to happen for us to be able to succeed in marriage. He also needs to learn to deal with stress without being a sarcastic jerk. This is something that happens when he's stone-cold sober, and it finally dawned on me that I don't deserve it.
It will be interesting, to say the least, to see if he means what he says. I'm not ready to completely give up yet, but I will if I need to for my own sanity, health, and happiness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
Thanks, everyone. His drinking is one of the things we actually agree on. I have set boundaries about it, and he is respecting them. I do not have a problem with anyone having a beer now and then. What I won't be around anymore is someone who binge drinks and gets obnoxious, rude, and angry. He drinks low-alcohol beer now, and no longer every day.
There may come a day when he decides that drinking more than that is what he wants to do. Then my boundary will have been crossed, and we will no longer be in a partnership. I am prepared for it, but hoping it doesn't come to that.
This counseling is more for learning how to let each other know what needs to happen for us to be able to succeed in marriage. He also needs to learn to deal with stress without being a sarcastic jerk. This is something that happens when he's stone-cold sober, and it finally dawned on me that I don't deserve it.
It will be interesting, to say the least, to see if he means what he says. I'm not ready to completely give up yet, but I will if I need to for my own sanity, health, and happiness.
There may come a day when he decides that drinking more than that is what he wants to do. Then my boundary will have been crossed, and we will no longer be in a partnership. I am prepared for it, but hoping it doesn't come to that.
This counseling is more for learning how to let each other know what needs to happen for us to be able to succeed in marriage. He also needs to learn to deal with stress without being a sarcastic jerk. This is something that happens when he's stone-cold sober, and it finally dawned on me that I don't deserve it.
It will be interesting, to say the least, to see if he means what he says. I'm not ready to completely give up yet, but I will if I need to for my own sanity, health, and happiness.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
