Not doing well at detaching with love.

Old 06-14-2012, 06:02 AM
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Not doing well at detaching with love.

Long story short:
No, I didn't let him back in.
He is now telling me he knows that he needs psych help, big time. He is now aware that something isn't 'quite right' with him in terms of our son. But only in those terms.
Which is fine, because I want him to see that, and to seek help.

Just last week, he asked me to move into house, said he loved me... I said, "that's not on the table, due to these other issues that have not been addressed. You are not healthy and it would be detrimental to son. I will not put him through it again. So, either way, these issues need to be dealt with."

he denied any issues. Then called 24 hours later to ask if I had made a 'decision'. I said, "same thing as yesterday. the issues are what need to be dealt with. "

He said, since I am declining that he would now be dating.
Fine.
Yesterday he met his visitation time. He was skittish, had son for 90minutes and returned to tell me that he is aware that something is not right. For whatever reason he has terrible anxiety when around our son. HE realizes he needs help. He will seek it.
I said "fine. This is what I have trying to discuss with you for over a year."


And that is where I should have stopped, but did not.
He needed me to know that these were DIFFERENT issues than the ones I was talking about. That he will seek that help and I will see that I am the real problem. Totally insane, but, yeah. I bit.

I proceeded to text him all the stuff, no holds barred. I just let it rip. I just let it be there. It was a two hour back and forth.

I made threats, told him I thought he was personality disordered and no one bought his game.
I guess I need to up my meetings. Everytime I responded to another text, he would write, "this is why I am now seeking a different relationship."

I got roped in and felt like I was the one being left. Same old A trick. And I just couldn't see straight.
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Old 06-14-2012, 06:18 AM
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It is so hard not to engage! Been there done that!

So... what worked for me was no contact... zero contact. That cannot work as easily with children but the way to handle that is to have very specific boundaries on visitation. Very strict agreement in writing on how, where, when etc... and that will minimize discussion. Any other matters relating to son and visitation are to be done in writing only... no discussion of any other subject... period. Put it ink and concrete. Ignore anything he tries to get to bite with... hang up if he calls. Don't engage. ever.

Best case scenario is peace and serenity and opportunity to detox from him. He may actually seek help because "you are the problem" but as long as he see's through his "pair of glasses" he won't get anywhere. Don't get sucked into the manipulations of a person not in recovery!

Sounds like you are doing GREAT! Take time to have fun and find something that makes you laugh... its good medicine for the soul.
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Old 06-14-2012, 06:47 AM
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He said, since I am declining that he would now be dating.
Don't you ever want to slam your head into your desk? Repeatedly? SERENITY NOW! Lol

This made me chuckle because he's such an a**. The rest of it, man.
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Old 06-14-2012, 09:14 AM
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florence, yes. Head to desk, head to desk.
I reread my texts. I wasn't even really mean. Justsaying truth.
Why am I sometimes so afraid to just call it like it is, anyway?
It's like a silent agreement not to rock his boat.
This, since his sobriety, is so confusing to me. It's like I am sheepish to just expose his inane logic.
Why? What do I think will happen? What am I afraid of?
Either way, I did it in those texts, and have been doing it more and more. Maybe thats why he is just now 'seeing' the issues...
But, why do I feel guilty...I hate that!
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Old 06-14-2012, 10:39 AM
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ahh - the ole "i love you, i need you, i wanna come home, what?, i can't come home, you don't love me anymore, yes I have problems, I'll work on them, I still can't come home?, ok I'll work on me, I still can't come home?, I figured it out, You're the problem"
quacking. . .

how it can go from I desperately need you to you are the problem in a few short conversations never ceases to amaze me ~

It's ok dear ~ probably take it as a compliment ~ you didn't respond as he expected to his manipulation ~ good for you, bad for him

Progress not perfection on the text messages - as you get stronger you will be able to know you can talk to the nearest Pine Tree easier than talking with an active A ~

Keep taking good care of you & your son! You are doing awesome!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 06-14-2012, 10:43 AM
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Buffalo66,

I give you big props on the changes you have made. Really, you can see it now, (besides when your head is not hitting the desk, I am tellin ya, he is making ME crazy!) but this is the game he is good at. He makes the rules and changes them when necessary.
You don't want to play anymore. Consider detaching legally to stay out of the crazy.
You have come so far.
:ghug3
Beth
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Old 06-14-2012, 10:54 AM
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One of the things that worked well for me was just detaching. At least for me the "with love" wasn't gonna happen.

Your friend,
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Old 06-14-2012, 11:25 AM
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It's hard NOT to bite. Recovery is a slow process but you're forging ahead. That's the most important part. Perhaps keep all contact to email? Or, just cutting off contact aside from picking up the children.
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Old 06-14-2012, 11:47 AM
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Buffalo, my A sounds just like yours. When he took off it was hard to remember that I moved out first.
He clearly believes that he left me. Also says I have psych issues I need help for. Yes, I do. I need help figuring out why I put up with his crap for so long.
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Old 06-14-2012, 11:53 AM
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I feel like the with love part can be pretty hard. We're human. When I emerged from my mess with an alcoholic ex last summer and realized that I had been lied to, cheating on, manipulated, and swindled and his parents tried to shut me up with an email from their family lawyer, I snapped hard. I'm not proud of the anger that I felt but it was extremely pent up at this point. Then people got mad at me for responding to his behaviour with anger. It was like a blowfish being attacked by a shark and then blamed for turning into a ball of spikes. Grace is an ideal I'm working on.
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Old 06-14-2012, 01:04 PM
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It was like a blowfish being attacked by a shark and then blamed for turning into a ball of spikes. Grace is an ideal I'm working on.
Wow! This describes it perfectly! Thank you and welcome to Sober Recovery.
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Old 06-14-2012, 01:17 PM
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"It was like a blowfish being attacked by a shark and then blamed for turning into a ball of spikes. Grace is an ideal I'm working on."

This phrase is officially now being stolen. This is how it feels.
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