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I finally reached out to someone, and I feel guilty

Old 06-13-2012, 01:42 PM
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I finally reached out to someone, and I feel guilty

Hi everyone I'm new to the thread. My husband and I are in our first year of marriage and I am convinced he has an addiction to synthetic marijuana (Spice). I have begged and pleaded with him to stop, but he refuses. At first I thought nothing of it, it seemed like it wasn't that bad in the beginning but now it's killing our marriage. He had an episode that scared the life out of me. I was seven months pregnant, and he stormed in the house and screamed at me that I was cheating on him with his friend (his Spice partner) he was banging on things and screaming and I thought he was going to kill me. Then he instantly snapped out of it. The cops were called by one of the neighbors but by the time they got to our home he was passed out and I covered up for him telling them he had too much to drink so they left. Every time he uses he asks me am I cheating on him. Spice has made him sick twice: once he threw up all over his Spice buddies bathroom, and I came over and cleaned it up, and last weekend he threw up all over our home, on the carpet and furniture and I made him clean it up, but I ended up shampooing the carpet. None of this was enough to make him stop. We have a 2 month old baby and I have asked him to quit for the sake of her, but he won't. Who would want that kind of environment for their newborn baby? I have cried, yelled, begged and pleaded so after that last throwing up episode I had enough.

I told his Sergeant what happened in hopes that she would talk to him and open his eyes a bit. Well apparently that conversation didn't go to well. He texted me and told me that he may be losing rank and going to the Army Substance Abuse Program. We have no vehicle and our family is depending on his income. I may have ruined his career. I feel so guilty but I didn't know what else to do. My life with him is so miserable when he's high. I don't think I could've kept covering his addiction up for him. I don't know if what I did was the right thing to do. He sent me a text basically saying it's my fault if our family is homeless and hungry. I am torn about this whole situation. I did it because I love him and I wanted to get him help, but now I feel like I made a huge mistake.
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Old 06-13-2012, 01:56 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you are here but sorry for the reasons that sent you here. You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I dont know how the military works or how they handle substance abuse, someone with more experience may be along to help with that information.

Have you looked into local support for yourself? Therapy or alanon or naranon may help you as you try to make sense of the chaos addiction brings to our lives.

Keep reaching out for support, you are worth the effort!
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Old 06-13-2012, 01:56 PM
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Bump!!! Thoughts please....
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Old 06-13-2012, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you are here but sorry for the reasons that sent you here. You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I dont know how the military works or how they handle substance abuse, someone with more experience may be along to help with that information.

Have you looked into local support for yourself? Therapy or alanon or naranon may help you as you try to make sense of the chaos addiction brings to our lives.

Keep reaching out for support, you are worth the effort!
Thank you so much for your words. My daughter is the most important reason I reached out. She deserves a healthy family. Spice may not be crack or meth, but it's a drug nonetheless and I've seen what drug addiction can do to a person first hand.
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Old 06-13-2012, 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Ilovemysoldier View Post
I told his Sergeant what happened in hopes that she would talk to him and open his eyes a bit. Well apparently that conversation didn't go to well. He texted me and told me that he may be losing rank and going to the Army Substance Abuse Program. We have no vehicle and our family is depending on his income. I may have ruined his career. I feel so guilty but I didn't know what else to do. My life with him is so miserable when he's high. I don't think I could've kept covering his addiction up for him. I don't know if what I did was the right thing to do. He sent me a text basically saying it's my fault if our family is homeless and hungry. I am torn about this whole situation. I did it because I love him and I wanted to get him help, but now I feel like I made a huge mistake.
Yes you did the right thing. This synthetic stuff is dangerous and can make people very violent and insane if its a bad batch.

Protect your baby - that's your job right now. And ask the Army for some support for you right now...they have excellent programs.

If all else fails - leave for a while. Do you have family you could stay with where you'd feel safe?
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Old 06-13-2012, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Yes you did the right thing. This synthetic stuff is dangerous and can make people very violent and insane if its a bad batch.

Protect your baby - that's your job right now. And ask the Army for some support for you right now...they have excellent programs.

If all else fails - leave for a while. Do you have family you could stay with where you'd feel safe?
I'm in the State of NY right now and my family is in Tennessee. I have no money to go stay in a hotel let alone travel across the country with a little baby. I wish I did have somewhere to go but I don't. When we get a vehicle I am going to look for a job so I have something to help me leave. I love my husband he's a wonderful man when he is not using, but I can't keep lying covering up and making excuses for his problem. I dont want to lose our daughter if child service finds out what is going on. That is my biggest fear. I love my family so much and Im doing all I can to keep us together in a safe environment.
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Old 06-13-2012, 02:13 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
He sent me a text basically saying it's my fault if our family is homeless and hungry.

classic addict got caught deflection...HE is the one taking the drugs, he is the one out of control, threatening, harmful and dangerous, it was his actions that led the neighbors to call the cops, and he is the one in the military AND KNOWS THE RULES AND BROKE THEM ANYWAY.

he put his job in jeopardy. he puts the use of drugs ahead of the welfare of his family.

you have nothing to feel sorry about. i really encourage you to get some help and assistance for you!! alanon, counseling, financial guidance. you have to put you and your baby's welfare ahead of everything else.
Thank you so much. I know all of what you are saying is true. It's hard not to feel guilty when the person you love is angry at you. I can't help it because I want him to be happy, but at the same time, at what expense??
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Old 06-13-2012, 02:14 PM
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As a mother, I would put the baby first. Keep looking for support. There is help. God bless you.
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Old 06-13-2012, 02:19 PM
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Originally Posted by pinkdog View Post
As a mother, I would put the baby first. Keep looking for support. There is help. God bless you.
Thanks!! I am putting our daughter first which is why I can't stand for this anymore even though I love my husband deeply.
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Old 06-13-2012, 02:32 PM
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You absolutely did the right thing! About 3-4 years ago my AW was in a really bad car accident, she got drunk & hit a tree at about 50 mph. She was lucky to survive. She got ticketed for DWI. I lied my ass off to the alcohol evaluation people because "we couldn't afford rehab/missed work etc...." Told them she rarely drinks, it was only a one time thing, blah, blah, blah! At the time I didn't realize the extent of the problem she had. Every question the evaluator asked, I lied. How did I not see it? I had to LIE to EVERY QUESTION! Fast forward to today, she is worse than ever & we are likely getting divorced, may lose the house, bankruptcy etc. Looking back, guess I could have afforded it! It's costing both of us a lot more now! She refuses to get help now, back then she may have been open to it but "we couldn't afford it". So he loses rank for a while, if he gets help & embraces it it will pay off ten fold! It's not anything to be ashamed of. Look at how many people are on this website alone! You are not alone & neither is he! Take care of that little one, that's what really counts. Sometimes it is damn near impossible to do the right thing, but most likely it's worth it no matter what the short term cost is.
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Old 06-13-2012, 02:35 PM
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You didn't do anything wrong. Please don't feel guilty. He is *not* in his right mind. I encourage you to continue to do what is best for you and your little one. You are a courageous woman for telling the sergeant and for coming here, admitting there is a problem and asking for help.

Keep posting and reading.

We're here for you.

Love,

Lily
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Old 06-13-2012, 02:44 PM
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Hello Ilovemysoldier, and pleased to "meet" you

There are a number of places you can call to get information as to what resources are available. Start with the base Chaplain wherever your husband is stationed. If it's a very small base they may not have anybody there who can help, but they can direct you up the chain of command to the larger bases where they do have programs for the families. In the larger bases they usually have meetings of AA and al-anon in the chappel.

Thru the Chaplain you can arrange to have your needs such as housing, food, etc. covered by the military, they will just take it directly out of _his_ paycheck while he is in the program. You may have to go to the base and talk to several people but they _will_ listen to you and they _will_ find all the different programs within the military that can help you.

After the Chaplain call the Salvation Army. They are connected with all the resources local to your area, and they can even help you find emergency housing, or emergency vouchers, if the military housing is full. There is also Catholic Charities that can help. You can also call and make an apointment with a Women's shelter, not that you want to stay there but because they are very well connected with local resources _and_ they also know people that will provide you services at low cost, like doctors or therapists or lawyers.

There are a lot of programs out there you can use, but it takes a lot of phone calling and personal visits to their offices because they are usually extremely busy.

Mike
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Old 06-13-2012, 04:14 PM
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Ilovemysoldier,

DesertEyes gave some wonderful advice about going to the chaplain. They will have all the information you need to get help. Consider yourself part of the Army family. You have every right to all the help you need. And there is a lot of help.
I was in the Army, active duty, enlisted for 8 and 1/2 years. IF all he gets is a Substance Abuse Program and a loss in grade he should be grateful. He could be out on his spice smoking butt with a dishonorable discharge.
Tell him I said to suck it up and drive on, this is totally on him!
Take the punishment like a soldier should, and stay away from that crap, cause he will only get one chance at this. Just one.
Since you called on him, instead of him having an "incident" with police, you probably saved his career. That is why they are sending him to substance abuse and not kicking him out right now.
Your job in the Army family is to take care of your home, yourself and your baby. He has to take care of himself. There are people who will absolutely help you with what you need. Maybe a trip to JAG is in order to make sure you get paid if he goes away to a program.
You love your soldier, you did the right thing. I hope he knows that when he gets out of treatment. Bless your heart with that little baby.
Yes, you will be fine, you just gotta ask.
:ghug3

Beth
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Old 06-13-2012, 04:49 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
Since you called on him, instead of him having an "incident" with police, you probably saved his career. That is why they are sending him to substance abuse and not kicking him out right now.
I couldn't agree more...print this out and keep it close to you when he starts slinging his anger in your direction so you can read it and remember. One day he will thank you for this. But first his addiction has to protect the perimeter and its not about you. Its normal.
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Old 06-14-2012, 08:00 AM
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He is lucky he didn't get caught during drill or in the field......dishonorable discharge may have been waiting for him. See the chaplain and find out what options you have. This is more common than you think and you are not alone. The Internet has many resources as well for military families. Praying for you.
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Old 06-14-2012, 08:14 AM
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GREAT post, DesertEyes! I agree with everyone who says, print that out and read it every single day and every time the soldier tries to lay blame on anyone but himself!

I was in the Army too and I can tell you they will do everything they can to work with him and get him sober. You absolutely did the right thing and you actually have most likely saved his life (and his career) by seeking help. And you did the right thing by your baby, which is the most important thing of all.

You did a brave and wonderful thing, and I hope someday when he's not so sick in his addiction, he will see that too.

(((HUGS))))
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Old 06-14-2012, 08:41 AM
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Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words. He's off to work now of course I couldn't log on to here last night I didn't want him looking over my shoulder. He got home last night and didn't discuss what happened as far as the talk he and his sergeant had. It was like the elephant in the room and it was weird and awkward because I was ready for battle so to speak. I'm just wondering what is going to happen today. It's a new experience day by day with him. I'm hoping his leadership getting involved is beginning to open his eyes. I guess I see the best in him and his potential and I know in my heart he can let this go. But thats if he wants to...
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Old 06-14-2012, 01:17 PM
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He texted me and told me that he may be losing rank and going to the Army Substance Abuse Program.
It's much more likely you're saving his life and your family. If he doesn't get help to stop, to find a program, his addiction will only increase. Congratulations on being brave and offering him a chance at recovery. Beyond that, there is nothing you can say or do that will change him.

Guilt is a normal reaction but you have done nothing wrong. You've shown braveness and courage.
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