NRSEJS

Hello,

My question is at the bottom, in case you don't feel like reading all this...

My husband and I have been together 9 years. The severity of his alcoholism became apparent in May of 2011, and he has been in AA working the program since then. He had almost a year sober, but then relapsed... got 30 days under his belt and relapsed again. So that brings us to this week.

A little background - we have no children. We are close friends, and have always been very in love. There are no issues with verbal or physical abuse, and I am very lucky in that he has never denied he's had a problem or been unwilling to work at it. I have recently started going to Al Anon meetings too, I've been to four now.

The previous time - about a month ago - that he relapsed (and stole liquor, and drove drunk, and jepardized his job, and lied to me, and broke my heart), I set some clear boundaries with him. I told him this: I do believe that in some cases relapse is part of recovery. So I can stand by and be supportive as long as you're willing to work on it dilligently. BUT the lying/stealing/driving/job aspects of his alcoholism are more than I can stand by for. So, if this stuff happens again, we will no longer live under the same roof. That was my boundary.

So, fast forward a month (to last Monday) and sadly it happened again. He does work hard in AA - goes to several meetings a week and just got a new sponsor who's very involved. He is just really struggling.. I guess he hasn't "hit bottom" yet.

Surprisingly, I'm sticking to my guns and he is moving out (he expected this and I did not have to convince him or barely even ask). He got his own apartment and his own bank account. We worked together last night to pack up his stuff and come up with a budget. He is going to be moving on Friday and that's that.

I know I need to do this, for me, because I am a very anxious person by nature and this distrust and worry has me to the point of physical sickness. I need to step back and learn to worry about myself, and let him worry about him.

This is also an opportunity for him to figure it out, get sober, healthy, work a program, learn to be honest. I don't know if being out of the house will be a help or a hinderance, but I know that I can't live like I have been living anymore, in constant fear that he's off drinking somewhere and lying to me about it and being sick with worry.

I told him to get a one-year lease. At the end of one year, either he will be healthy and sober and honest and have a good foundation of sobriety, or we will be getting a divorce.

We are not fighting - not on bad terms - I am not walking around harboring an overwhelming amount of anger or resentment (although I'd be lying if I said there was none). I love my husband, more than anything, and this separation is so hard for both of us (and he's not even out of the house yet). He is a good man and a great husband. I truly want more than anything for him to find it in him to get better over the next year. I can't imagine my life without him. I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I am not a person trying to get closer to a divorce through separation - I'm trying to get closer to a lasting marriage with my husband, and allow both of us to heal during this time.

Here's my question: What do I DO? Or not do? Do you have suggestions for ground rules during this separation? I know that we need to establish rules, otherwise we will just talk and see each other all the time and the separation will basically be pointless. I love being a wife and taking care of my husband, cooking him yummy food, things like that, and I've done it for 9 years. How do I stop doing that and accept that he might live off pizza rolls and arizona tea for a year?

How often should we talk? When I travel on business we talk twice a day. I know that is way too much - the point is to be separated, we can't just talk all day.

How often should we see each other? Once a week? Once a month? He wants to take me out on dates. Do you think that's counter-productive?

I want to lay this all out at the get-go so we do not hinder each other's progress.

I read several other threads about separation but couldn't find much about people who don't WANT to be separated. I don't want to be away from him. But I don't know what other options I have. I think it's the right thing to do. Thank you

MsPINKAcres

First ~ Breathe, Just Breathe

and Maybe you can start One day at a time?

I think you may find during this time there may be days you talk often and days you don't want to talk at all ~

As you progress in your recovery it may help you decide what works for you ~ try to keep making your al-anon meetings & working on your own recovery

and remember what works today, may change for tomorrow ~

Sometimes the mindset of being honest, open & willing to where your Higher Power leads you will help you to know what is the healthy decision for you. . .

wishing You & your AH the best
PINK HUGS,
Rita

NRSEJS

Thank you Rita for your support. Taking it One Day at a Time is not easy for me, so this is a good opportunity for me to work on it.

I feel lost when I don't have a plan for something..

He is officially moving out tomorrow and I feel sick about it.

MsPINKAcres

I'm sure that you do ~ it is overwhelming ~

nothing wrong with forming a tenative plan, but sometimes we have to change our plans, but we can still stick to our healthy boundaries too.

sending good thoughts for a peaceful, serene day for you both tomorrow

PINK HUGS,
Rita

NRSEJS

It's not fun to hear but I think it's what I need to hear.

Thank you

LaTeeDa

If I understand correctly, the reason you are separating is because you cannot tolerate his craziness (for lack of a better word). So, if you continue having a "relationship," just living in different places, how does this fulfill your goal of living free of his craziness?

What worked for me was to stop contact for a period of time, go to counseling, and re-evaluate after that time. (For me, it was six months, but you can make it whatever you are comfortable with)

L

jamaicamecrazy

My AH and I have been separated for about 2 years. Laying the ground rules was something our counselor suggested but we did a poor job of it. I realized I needed to detach from him but our counselor suggested we look at this as still being partners, just living in separate domiciles. I could accept that and we both were supposed to look for places and the first one who found one was to leave. My AH did as he usually does- nothing. I found a great place at a great price-a 6 month sublet that was much less scary than looking at a whole year.
We worked out what to say to folks, how we would handle social situations with friends and family, finances. I brought up not seeing other people because I felt this was a "non negotiable". My husband exploded at this and said that he was going to do what he wanted to. He was going to continue drinking, although not as much because with me gone he would not have as much of a reason to, and work on the house after I left. Well he drank about twice as much and the house looked worse than when I left it.
Looking back I realize all the signs that he was in such denial and angry at me that I followed through with what I said I was going to do. I stupidly thought we could still be "friends". He went NC with me and I went off the deep end.
I discovered AL Anon. It saved my life.
I realize now that I had no control over him, his drinking or how he was conducting his life. Going NC was horrible for me but now I know it was probably the best thing for us. We occasionally talk now about the house or finances or for a holiday. He has had some major health issues and I have talked to him after the fact and wished him well.
My counselor suggested that I do what felt right for me always keeping in mind how it would affect me. Sometimes that means just sending an email or a text when talking to him would be too painful to me. I know if we had kept in touch on a weekly basis, it would have taken me so much longer to focus on myself and feel like I could live my own life. I don't want to live my life without him but I know I can and it can be a wonderful life.
As I have gotten stronger I don't have that need to talk as much, or if I do, I can handle his moodiness or inability to have a conversation and it doesn't set me back for days anymore.
So to sum it up...put some space between you and him for a while. Take note of how you feel when you do talk to him. Is it hurtful to you? Go to Al Anon and learn to detach with love and focus on yourself and your recovery. Sometimes what is best for us is not what we want.
I wish you peace.

Thelma

It's so easy to see that you are a very sensitive person and love your AH alot.

Here's my concern for you....if you set a boundary to talk once a day and he is getting drunk and not answering you're going to worry yourself to death til you hear from him....if you set a boundary to talk once a week and he gets drunk in the meantime and calls or texts you you wont be strong enough to not answer and stick to the boundary you both set.

I am by no means an expert at any of this and am still with my AH as I give you advise, but I think the more distance you put between yourself and your husband, the better for you mentally & emotionally. He needs time to reflect on his own and decide what he wants to do about this whole situation.

And you both need to come to the realization that this may not fix your relationship but the whole idea of this is to FIX YOU!! Good luck to you both.

NRSEJS

Thank you all for your responses. I am trying to remind myself that this process is a moving target - I don't need to have every moment of every day for the next year all figured out in my head, which is something I often try to do, in general. I need to get "one day at a time" tattooed on the back of my hand. This has been true of me since well before alcoholism reared its ugly head.

Our first attempt at ground rules are: we don't talk during the week at all. If something arises that we MUST discuss, such as "I need you to pay this bill", we will converse via email. We will start out seeing each other once weekly. This will change if I have a reason to believe he's not doing what he needs to do. I know there's no way for me to know for sure, so I just have to be aware without being obsessed, and trust my instincts on this. I won't be asking him about his program, or how many meetings has he been to, etc., and that will be hard for me.

This is what I'm comfortable with for now. Knowing I will see him makes the lack of contact on the other days bearable. Maybe over time I will feel stronger and change the rules and see him less. Maybe over time he will get better and he can come home. Maybe not.

I have had no contact with him in 5 days with one exception, an email about a financial thing (I suspect those will become fewer as things settle out). As a result I've had lots of time on my hands and lots of ridiculous crazy emotion to distract myself from, so I've been reading a lot. There is a book called "Our Marriage: Surviving Addiction and Thriving in Sobriety" which I finished in a few hours; I've read almost the entire AA big book which I now realize is VITALLY important for me to read. It has given me a whole new understanding, and a whole new level of patience. I continue to read my "How Al-Anon Works" book which has been very helpful during this time. There are a few others.

lillamy

I'm about as romantic as a block of concrete. I'm practical and pragmatic.

Consult a lawyer, first of all, and educate yourself on whether you want to establish this as a legal separation, learning what advantages that may have for you in case he gets himself into financial/legal trouble during this year.

When I left my AXH, and people were expressing their sympathy, my standard response was: "this will give everyone, including him, an opportunity to learn how to live a healthier life." You could see your separation as that -- an opportunity for both of you to separately unlearn the unhealthy habits you've developed in an alcoholic marriage. And not make any decisions past that.

NRSEJS

I like your standard response and I agree. People hear "separation" and tend to automatically assume it's because one or both of us is no longer committed to making the marriage work. In reality it is the opposite for us - it's about each of us being able to focus on getting healthy individually so that we can come together later and have a more fulfilling life together.

No legal separation in our state. However I am working on getting his name taken off our joint $ accounts and also separating out our car insurance policies so that I have no liability for him or his car. That is my biggest concern, the driving. Luckily (for so many reasons) we don't have children, and not a whole lot that you would call "assets".

Anon12

Please learn from my experience and take him off your insurance NOW. I was 'getting around to it' a couple of weeks after my XABF moved out and his alcoholism escalated to him having an accident and getting arrested for DUI and had there be a third party (I still don't know for sure), the insurance company said they'd claim money back from me as the policy holder.

Although I was not married and we were together six years, and I chose to end the relationship rather than a separation, I could have written your post. My X is not verbally or physically abusive and I am still in love with him. He hasn't been able to stay sober for longer than six months though and even then, he wasn't in recovery, he was just not drinking.

Anyway, long winded way of saying I know that madness and one of hte reason's I chose to end it was I couldn't cope with that madness. It was affecting my work and my health and ultimately our relationship - I didn't want to wake up one day and not care he wasn't back or hate him. I ended our relationship so I could have peace of mind but I also hoped that the consequence would force him to face up to the impact alcohol was having on his life. I went NC, except for practicalities around joint finances etc. that we were resolving. I miss him to my core, I feel unbearably sad but when I'm not in contact, I feel relief at not having to worry anymore, not having the tension of asking him if he's been drinking, walking off when I don't buy his answers, then feeling guilty that maybe he is sober etc. etc.

I feel the only chance we have is if we part - it gives him the chance to face up to the consequences of his drinking and me the chance to look after myself and get back to normal. If he doesn't do that, at least I won't have to deal with the fall out. I'm realising he is still choosing alcohol right now so the chance of things working out is becoming more remote.

The idea of NC to me a few weeks ago was alien and I didn't want to hear it. Now I understand why it works. As soon as he had the accident and we met up to talk through practicalities, i went right back to how I felt when he moved out. I feel like i've undone all the good work.

I realise you have to find what is right for you but maybe you could reduce the level of contact and see how you do. If you find yourself sucked back into worrying and being upset, you can always change the terms and tell him you dont' want to see him as often, or at all. Focus on what works for you and your recovery.