Anon12

Hi, i'm meeting up with my X in a few days time to get some paperwork signed and agree a few financial things that need to be finalised.

I have arranged to meet him in a neutral place where I can walk away and near my mum's so I have support.

I am prepared for the talk about the financial stuff, that bit is easy. I would appreciate advice though on handling ending the meeting and when we part. I want to do it with dignity and kindness but not giving any more emotionally. The day he left we managed to end it in a way that helps me make peace with my decision so I'd like to try and maintain that if it's possible, at minimal cost to me though.

For example, I expect he will say he misses me. I miss him too but I don't want to end up saying something I regret, or making him feel better about situation by giving away something of myself that means I am more upset.

I don't know how I'd respond if he said that. It's hard to spend years with someone and then become cold but it doesn't help me to get involved in all that again. Funnily enough if he reacts badly to any of our discussions, then I am prepared for that.

I guess I want to be strong but kind, in a detached way if that makes sense? Any advice welcome.

gerryP

Figure out how long exactly it should take to get your paperwork signed and when you arrive and say hello, mention that you have x time and will have to be on your way.

You did end the relationship when he left so there shouldn't be any need to rehash any of it. If he brings any relationship stuff up while you are conducting business, tell him that you are there to finalize business. If he tells you he misses you after you finish what you came for, wish him well and leave. It's all up to you Anon as to how your meeting will play out. Good luck. Remember why you are there.

Pelican

If he shares personal information, you are not obligated in any way to reciprocate.

Lets say he says he misses you, or he says you look lovely, or the sky is bluer because you reflect radiance - it is okay to say: "Thank you for sharing"

Then you have acknowledged his comment without engaging.

Finish your meeting by thanking him for his time. Keep a business approach.

Best wishes!

Anon12

Thanks all.

This really helps as does the time limit. I have already emailed him a number of bullets - business like, plus I'll have legal stuff with me so that should put a dampner on any mushiness.

I really don't want him to go into that. I'd have a better opinion of him if he didn't as it would show he was respecting my decision but I want to be prepared for it if he doesn't.

Thumper

The discussion is already done, and done satisfactory which is a gift really, so I would refuse to re-hash any part of it.

Don't hang around and chit chat. Don't walk each other to the door, it isn't a date. It is a business meeting so get straight to business and when it is done say 'Thank you and be well" and then get up and get out of there! No lollygagging around!

I had quite a few such meetings with my xah and that was my basic plan of attack. I didn't even sit down. If he made a remark or comment (he was more apt to make a cutting remark but occasionally it was the other kind) I didn't respond at all. Dead silence which might not have been nice but I knew two things a) I could not articulate my thoughts at all and b) there was really no use because there was absolutely no response that would not be twisted and used against me in some way. So silence it was but you could also have some kind of canned response (my counselor recommended that) like "I'm here to tie up these lose ends only" or "I have nothing to add to our Friday night conversation."

Anon12

Thanks for this - it made me laugh which I needed!

MsPINKAcres

another great one to use if he brings up the "relationship issues"

"you could be right, now let's wrap up this other stuff so we can both be on our way."

sending out good thoughts & prayers that all goes smoothly!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Anon12

What if he brings up getting sober or fact he is sorting himself out? I thought I could just say 'I hope that works out for you'? God, feels like a minefield!

Also when I ended it, before he moved out, I told him I didn't want to see him again unless he had been sober, in recovery for at least a year. I wrote him a letter at the time as I was a mess and was worried I wouldn't be very articulate. I still hold out hope of him getting sober but know I can't live my life on hold and am conscious even if he did, it is no guarantee of anything. If he asks about contact, do I remind him of what I said or say nothing? If I'm honest I know I want him to ask so i can remind him and worried I am doing it to give him incentive to sort himself out even though i know deep down i cant control what he does. Im just finding it hard to let be what will be. Sorry to be so weak.

Anon12

I know the answer to this - he has my letter, he knows my terms. If he doesn't contact me in a year he is either still drinking or he wasn't worth it. Sorry ignore that, i needed to write it down I guess.

DefofLov

Sending hugs, love, and light your way. I love the progress you are making and the work you are putting in. You are doing awesome and you are going to be okay. I promise.

WorkInProgress8

My fave responses: OK, NEAT, UH HUH, THATS KOOL, HMMM THATS NICE. kind of childish yet neutral and to the point.

dollydo

"What if he brings up getting sober or fact he is sorting himself out?"

That's great, now back to the business at hand.

NYCDoglvr

What has helped me in situations like this is to "bookend" the meeting. Before going I call a friend to talk about my concerns and fears about the meeting, talk about my strategy. Immediately afterward I call the same person and talk about how it went and my feelings now. It's a safety net that has helped keeping boundaries.