mmk11

Hello all,
I'm new to SR and Al-Anon. Quick backgound: After an alcoholic crisis, my marriage counselor recommended that AH be evualated by Valley Hope in March 2011. We each promptly ignored the intensive outpatient treatment program and opted for individual counseling with a substance abuse counselor. AH visited him 4 times.

Well now that AH and I have experienced crisis mode for March-May, we are separated. I finally had a true honest discussion with my marriage counselor in April, who advised I should consider Al-Anon (he is the third counselor in less than three years to recommend this to me) and gave me a raw evaluation that some, if not all, of our marital problems are directly related to AH's alcoholism.It's taken me over a month to truly accept that my DH is actually my AH. I know now that it's the disease driving his behavior to separate from me, that it's nothing to do with me, that his addiction has to do what it can to preserve itself. Simply put, I impeded his drinking/getting high plans because I wasn't thrilled with every time AH wanted to golf, go to happy hour, see movies, fill-in-the-blank activity where getting high or drinking can be done, while spending quality time with me was never a priority.

My family knows about me going to Al-Anon and my counseling. AH's family is clueless though that AH is an alcoholic, that is the true reason why he separated from me, and basically AH is on a downward spiral. Should I talk to AH's brother or parents?

Buffalo66

This has always been a grey area for me, n terms of feedback that I have gotten about it.
Some say it is not your job to do that, as he is an adult, and they probably know something is not right, while others concede that it is not your job to keep his 'secret'.

What happened with me is I waited until his mother asked, or his brother expressed curiosity about why I was doing what I was doing. then I just told the whole truth.
Guess what?

I then discovered that the entire family has a history of severe alcoholism, in which two of RAHs uncles died from liver failure.

Big family secret.
Another resource for me during this pretty chaotic time was my sister in law, who filled me in on the true stories. They were a family steeped in denial about the alcoholism. They wanted him to be well, were turning a bliind eye to how bad it had gotten.
Ultimately, it was his healthier brother, his mom, and I who stopped enabling him enough to allow him to hit bottom, but, now, they are just as mum about the mental illness that lies underneath, in his sobriety.

So, it helped, but...Really, I would go into it with no expectations. Because people dont like to have their boats rocked, and they have been pretty content to let you handle all the crap.

If he has a real problem, it is unlikely that none of them have noticed, unless, of course they are also dealing with the addiction.
My MIL is a big ally in my relationship w RAH, and she is a stand up grandma, but she still really does not like when I push the issues, really, I think, mainly because it puts more on her plate, so to speak.
Case in point: When he became erratic again recently, and rashly chose to leave home, rather than get help for his mood disorders, he refused to rent, and is process of buying a house.
He stayed with friends for a few weeks, but, as usual, went back home to his moms. and has been there since.

She really would like to just go on feeling fine. Seeing his issues up close rocks her boat and ruins her day now, instead of mine. The advantage to that?

Another person in his life pointing out that his behavior is not normal.

Good Luck.

chronsweet

I have talked to my ABF's family and to be honest, they just enable him more and things became entangled to the point where I want nothing to do with them. I wish that I didn't have to talk to them except I have a child and feel like I do because of that. It is hard to deal with but if I had the choice of having no contact with his family (esp his mother) about his drinking problem, then I would have never told them and just moved on quietly with my life. Which is what I am planning on doing now except now there is that water under the bridge already.

Whatever feels right to you is what should be done. You know his family and the dynamics of your relationship better than anyone and so only you can make that decision. I am just sharing what I have personally been through and the ramifications of my decision to 'help' my stbxabf get some help that he doesn't think he needs and for which his family is relieved that he is now only an alcoholic and not an alcoholic AND opiate abuser.

Thumper

I chose not to mention anything to any of them and that worked out for me at the time and I still think it was the best route to take in hindsight.

He showed them who he was eventually - and they were not surprised either.

I figured if his family wanted to know how he was, they would talk to him enough to figure it out. If they do not, then they will put a distance there, or not call him. If he wanted his family's support - he'd go looking for it. All those scenarios were true with various family members but either way, I was not a part of his relationship with his family and it wasn't my place to manage it.

If they asked me how he was (and actually his family didn't ask me, it was my own) I'd politely tell them that I wasn't with him anymore. If they wanted to know they could call him and find out. Basically my family didn't want to know. They wanted to rake my life over the coals some more so they could tell me how to think and feel about it and gossip about him. I was ALL DONE with that and I was ALL DONE with focusing my life around him. I was tired of it all but I think they (or one person in particular) would still love to hash it out endlessly. Odd how I could let that go more easily then others. Can you tell I'm a little irked by it still, lol.

ETA: I do talk to one of his sisters mostly, and will talk to the others if I see them. I do not avoid them, they just don't call me and she does. She is fine (a bit of a mentor actually as she's had many years of al-anon) but we do not generally discuss xah and his business. The most is she'll sometimes ask me if I've heard from him if he doesn't return her calls for to long or something but that is the extent of it. She calls to keep in touch for the kids.

Buffalo66

Also, I would make sure you are not doing it thinking that it will ease things for you, or he will see the light, or that they will step in and handle it.

I thought that for a minute. But no dice. No way. They really had to see for themselves anyway, and they did, eventually.

My father died when I was 13 years old. He was an alcoholic. His extended family still has no idea of that aspect of his life. They just did not want to see it.

Florence

I involved my RAH's family, but they couldn't have been more unhelpful. They didn't want their boat rocked. When the boat was filling up with water, they threw some money at it and told it good luck and pretended the boat didn't have a hole in it.

Either way, lower your expectations as to the amount of help they might offer.

mynewchapter

i agree... my AH's family did just that...enabled him more. now i am the bad guy. i don't care what they think... i needed support from somewhere...and i felt being their son, brother, etc, they should be or might want to be, involved. if i made a mistake, oh well. if i was being selfish, oh well again.... why did i have to face his disease alone? they all knew about his drinking habits long before it had a chance to hit me.... i sound revengeful, don't i? i dont mean to. it just angered me that they are all scrambling about to make sure his bills are paid and his house is saved... they all forgot about the pain he caused me and that i am living in a 3 room apartment.... again, i don't care...i'm happy now and they have to deal with him.

battlescars

After my wedding got canceled and my alcoholic ex's parents were telling everyone that we just weren't suited for one other or that the honeymoon phase was over and stuff like that, I eventually did tell them what actually went on (tonnes of binges, possible blackout infidelities, verbal abuse and control). While they admitted that they were vaguely aware of his drinking problem, they virtually ignored me and kept pretending to their friends and family that things just hadn't worked out in order to save face. They enable him, turn a blind eye, walk on eggshells around him, brush dirt under the carpet (to the point that the carpet has like a massive bulge in it), bail him out of his financial lies, and generally perform damage control. Not that I would take back the fact that I told them what had actually happened, but it wont necessarily make a difference or at least it didn't in my experience. I guess I did it because I didn't feel like being publicly misrepresented anymore.

lizatola

I have chosen to not say anything to his family but that's because he really doesn't have a relationship with them and they live across the country. Not much they could do or not do, really. He thinks his sister is a psycho and that his brother is too emotional and that his mother is an alcoholic martyr. Hmm, and he thinks THEY'RE dysfunctional, LOL? It's rare that he turns the mirror on himself to see how he's just as dysfunctional as they are.

I, too, don't have a relationship with his family very much either. I speak to his mother at certain times of the day when I know she probably hasn't been drinking. His extended family is out of the communication loop, too.

Now, for my family: I have told my sister and my mother and my stepmother of our troubles. They are my support system and since my sister is new in exploring recovery, too, we have a lot to talk about. Her husband is a sex addict, though, and is trying to weasel his way back into her house now that he's jobless and having difficulties with his various girlfriends, UGH!

mattmathews

When my wife went into rehab, she asked me to break the news to her father. I had certainly enabled her in keeping her alcoholism a secret. Turned out that he already knew...and was wondering when she'd figure it out.
A lady in my Al-anon group broke the news about her husbands alcoholism in a letter to her husbands family, and has been on the outs with them every since. Don't expect them to thank you for giving them bad news.
I personally think that "secrets" are inherently bad, and the consequences of bringing them out into the light of day are never as bad as we fear. The truth will set you free. I think it's true, but it's just one guy's opinion.
I think that if your motive in sharing your husbands situation with his family is to give them the chance to get him some help, then you're not doing any harm. And if they choose to "punish the messenger," at least you'll have the consolation of knowing they're upset with you because you told the truth.

Florence

I don't like the "it isn't your responsibility to tell" stuff. I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to keep it under wraps either. What are your motives? Is it to force your A to do something or feel something? Or is it to free yourself from the pressure of maintaining the facade?

mmk11

I don't know what the purpose would be to tell them, only that they are AH's family. I guess they will find out on their own. I wont lie to any of them if the subject comes up. My MIL and FIL think their son can do no wrong. For this reason alone, it is probably not a good idea to let them know; they would only bail him out in whatever way is necessary to keep him from suffering consequences. My FIL is likely an alcoholic as well. They both have enabled AH thus far. Dinner, holidays, whatever with AH's family is always a drunk fest.

sugarbear1

Breathe in and out slowly.

Go to Al Anon. Focus on you.

Big Hugs,

MsPINKAcres

in the Daily reading book ODAT in Al-Anon page 131 . . .Today's reminder "What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part. This is a basic spiritual truth, implicit in our slogan, Let Go and Let God, . . . "

Just my e, s, & h - this applies to us and to our families ~ everyone tends to find out what they need to know when they need to know it ~

angrywife

I told my A's mother about everything but she only enabled him more, to the point that it frustrated me to talk to her, so I don't anymore. None of his other family members care either way.

Even still, I don't regret telling her. She would enable him regardless because she has her own issues and doesn't feel that life is worth living unless someone depends on her for something.

mmk11

I agree with you.

In part, I feel it is to free myself of the pressure of maintaining the facade, and possibly encouraging AH to get the help he needs. The facade that AH is acting rationally to an irrational woman(me). Although Im close with my brother in law (AHs brother) and his wife, they know more of the story than any of AHs family. I've told them AH is in a "dark place" but haven't mentioned AHs alcoholism.

NYCDoglvr

I don't think so ... this is only between you and your husband. You owe no one an explanation and if asked, simply say "it didn't work out". He's an adult, it's his responsibility to tell or not tell his family.