Hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5
Hope
Hello,
This is my first time to this site and I am in a new place in my life. I have been dating an alcoholic for 8 months. I love him dearly. He is currently in a Community Based Correctional Facility reciving treatment for his alcohol addiction he asked to be sent there and says he is going to give his all to this program. The program is a 4-6 month program. I am doing my very best to support him. he has gone 20days in jail but has soon as he came home he started drinking. he is not a bad person he just has a very bad drinking problem which lead to dui's. We are both only 24 I have alot of home for him, because he tells me he is really trying. Has anyone been a in similar situation and supported someone through there rehab program. Do you have any advice. I do not come from a family of alcoholics. I rarely drink. Thank You for the help.
This is my first time to this site and I am in a new place in my life. I have been dating an alcoholic for 8 months. I love him dearly. He is currently in a Community Based Correctional Facility reciving treatment for his alcohol addiction he asked to be sent there and says he is going to give his all to this program. The program is a 4-6 month program. I am doing my very best to support him. he has gone 20days in jail but has soon as he came home he started drinking. he is not a bad person he just has a very bad drinking problem which lead to dui's. We are both only 24 I have alot of home for him, because he tells me he is really trying. Has anyone been a in similar situation and supported someone through there rehab program. Do you have any advice. I do not come from a family of alcoholics. I rarely drink. Thank You for the help.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((remington))
Welcome to our SR family
I hate that you have been affected by this disease - but grateful you are seeking help for yourself.
What I have learned in my many years of dealing with alcoholics/addicts - the best thing I can do - is to be the BEST & Healthiest ME I can be ~ I learned how to do that thru attending Al-Anon meetings, posting here on SR, reading recovery literature & working on my own recovery.
I learned about the 3 c's
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it
I must allow the loved one the dignity, self-respect and love to find their way in recovery ~ to do that I had to learn about self-care, boundaries, and detachment with love.
Please continue to read, post and learn about what is best for you - that is the greatest gift you can give anyone
A Healthy YOU!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Welcome to our SR family
I hate that you have been affected by this disease - but grateful you are seeking help for yourself.
What I have learned in my many years of dealing with alcoholics/addicts - the best thing I can do - is to be the BEST & Healthiest ME I can be ~ I learned how to do that thru attending Al-Anon meetings, posting here on SR, reading recovery literature & working on my own recovery.
I learned about the 3 c's
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it
I must allow the loved one the dignity, self-respect and love to find their way in recovery ~ to do that I had to learn about self-care, boundaries, and detachment with love.
Please continue to read, post and learn about what is best for you - that is the greatest gift you can give anyone
A Healthy YOU!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5
Thank You, he has been drinking for a while and has had several deaths in his family and his ex moved with his children out of state im not saying she was wrong to do that but he has been through alot. I met him after this and slowly started to see his drinking habits. I hope to attend my first Al anon meeting tonight since he is in rehab and trying I want to grow with him and learn as much as I can. I hope we can get through this and I know this is not just a fight it is a life long battle that I am entering if I stay with him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi Remington, and welcome to SR. 
There is a lot of good information to read through on the "sticky" topics at the top of this forum. Educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism.
A couple of good books which really helped me are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I'm sure you can find used copies cheap on amazon.
Find some local Alanon meetings to attend. There you will find face-to-face support among those who understand. Alanon has helped me in all aspects of my life, not just in dealing with the alcoholics in my life.
I am a recovering codependent, as well as a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict (21+ years). I was married to an alcoholic/addict who had spent most of his life in and out of penal institutions. He chose not to embrace recovery, and a few years ago was laid to rest, complications due to AIDS contracted while he was using drugs IV and drinking.
I also have a 34-year-old daughter who is active in addictions. She was living with me temporarily, but moved out as of yesterday. I doubt she will every truly embrace long-term recovery, but that is her choice.
I hope you continue to post here at SR. Feel free to ask any questions, vent, or whatever your needs may be! You have landed among a great group of people.
There is a lot of good information to read through on the "sticky" topics at the top of this forum. Educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism.
A couple of good books which really helped me are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I'm sure you can find used copies cheap on amazon.
Find some local Alanon meetings to attend. There you will find face-to-face support among those who understand. Alanon has helped me in all aspects of my life, not just in dealing with the alcoholics in my life.
I am a recovering codependent, as well as a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict (21+ years). I was married to an alcoholic/addict who had spent most of his life in and out of penal institutions. He chose not to embrace recovery, and a few years ago was laid to rest, complications due to AIDS contracted while he was using drugs IV and drinking.
I also have a 34-year-old daughter who is active in addictions. She was living with me temporarily, but moved out as of yesterday. I doubt she will every truly embrace long-term recovery, but that is her choice.
I hope you continue to post here at SR. Feel free to ask any questions, vent, or whatever your needs may be! You have landed among a great group of people.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,966
"he asked to be sent there"
Jail time and a community based correctional facility mean he's had at least one, usually more, run-ins with breaking the law. We don't voluntarily get there, that's what rehabs are for. Asking to be sent there was to reduce his actual jail time.
I'm certain he's really a nice guy, but why are you dating someone who hasn't changed his behavior yet? Is he working? What does he have that adds to your life?
He's not "giving it his all" if he began drinking again after 20 days in jail. That was a mini vacation from drinking.
"supported someone through there rehab program"
Do you mean has anyone paid for someone's daily living while they didn't focus on recovery? Yeah, I did. It's not fun. The support they really need is to be on their own and to focus on how to live life in a program of recovery such as AA.
Until he changes and stays changed for a period of time, I don't see where he has much to offer in terms of a relationship. I am sorry if I sound judgmental, my ex-husband, whom I met in AA, was in a similar boat. Things never really changed, he just used me for my money and a home to live in.....
Life happens. I understand he's had some "bad things" happen in life, yet it's not good enough to use these as excuses to drink. He really needs to embrace recovery now.
Why not take a break from him. Focus on you and why you set your bar so low in a relationship. If this relationship is meant to be and to last, a little time away from him (he needs to be totally sober and criminal charge free for at least a year or more) can be useful for both of you and you will reunite with him in time.
Get to Al Anon. It would help you a lot. Right now, his focus should be completely on staying sober and changing his ways. I am feeling manipulation here and don't want you to suffer from his actions (or lack of actions).
This sounds harsh, but it is sent with love and understanding. I hope you don't make the same mistakes I have. Time will tell.
Love and hugs,
Jail time and a community based correctional facility mean he's had at least one, usually more, run-ins with breaking the law. We don't voluntarily get there, that's what rehabs are for. Asking to be sent there was to reduce his actual jail time.
I'm certain he's really a nice guy, but why are you dating someone who hasn't changed his behavior yet? Is he working? What does he have that adds to your life?
He's not "giving it his all" if he began drinking again after 20 days in jail. That was a mini vacation from drinking.
"supported someone through there rehab program"
Do you mean has anyone paid for someone's daily living while they didn't focus on recovery? Yeah, I did. It's not fun. The support they really need is to be on their own and to focus on how to live life in a program of recovery such as AA.
Until he changes and stays changed for a period of time, I don't see where he has much to offer in terms of a relationship. I am sorry if I sound judgmental, my ex-husband, whom I met in AA, was in a similar boat. Things never really changed, he just used me for my money and a home to live in.....
Life happens. I understand he's had some "bad things" happen in life, yet it's not good enough to use these as excuses to drink. He really needs to embrace recovery now.
Why not take a break from him. Focus on you and why you set your bar so low in a relationship. If this relationship is meant to be and to last, a little time away from him (he needs to be totally sober and criminal charge free for at least a year or more) can be useful for both of you and you will reunite with him in time.
Get to Al Anon. It would help you a lot. Right now, his focus should be completely on staying sober and changing his ways. I am feeling manipulation here and don't want you to suffer from his actions (or lack of actions).
This sounds harsh, but it is sent with love and understanding. I hope you don't make the same mistakes I have. Time will tell.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi Remmington and welcome to SR.
One thing stuck out to me in your second post.
You have only been dating 8 months and you are willing to commit to a life long battle to save him.
One of the things I have learned in the course of my recovery from dealing with my wife's alcoholism is that I can't help her, I can't save her, I can't make her better and I have no control at all over whether on not she chooses to drink or not.
In addition, Al-Anon is not about helping you help your alcoholic. It is about helping you deal with the pain and insanity and the craziness that comes from living with an alcoholic.
I think some of the loneliest times I ever spent was laying in bed next to my wife who had passed out.
Please spend time reading and posting here. There is a ton of experience, strength and hope. One thing you will probably realize as read is that there are very few happy endings. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and often totally takes over the lives of the alcoholic. Consider this, if you choose to stay with him the odds are very high that things will get worse and they can get much worse than you can imagine right now. This is totally based on my own personal experience.
Learn as much as you can about this disease and I also recommend that you spend some time trying to figure out why you would want to commit your life to something where the odds of failure are so very high.
Your friend,
One thing stuck out to me in your second post.
I hope to attend my first Al anon meeting tonight since he is in rehab and trying I want to grow with him and learn as much as I can. I hope we can get through this and I know this is not just a fight it is a life long battle that I am entering if I stay with him.
One of the things I have learned in the course of my recovery from dealing with my wife's alcoholism is that I can't help her, I can't save her, I can't make her better and I have no control at all over whether on not she chooses to drink or not.
In addition, Al-Anon is not about helping you help your alcoholic. It is about helping you deal with the pain and insanity and the craziness that comes from living with an alcoholic.
I think some of the loneliest times I ever spent was laying in bed next to my wife who had passed out.
Please spend time reading and posting here. There is a ton of experience, strength and hope. One thing you will probably realize as read is that there are very few happy endings. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and often totally takes over the lives of the alcoholic. Consider this, if you choose to stay with him the odds are very high that things will get worse and they can get much worse than you can imagine right now. This is totally based on my own personal experience.
Learn as much as you can about this disease and I also recommend that you spend some time trying to figure out why you would want to commit your life to something where the odds of failure are so very high.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5
I am supporting him financially he is supporting himself along wih his family members I am writing him telling hime he can do it and being incouraging, that is the support I am refering to.
I love him our every day life is not a drunk mess are there a few days a month yes and does he need help yes he does. He asked for the in patient treatment instead of the out patient treatment I thought that was a good sign that he is wanting the change.
I love him our every day life is not a drunk mess are there a few days a month yes and does he need help yes he does. He asked for the in patient treatment instead of the out patient treatment I thought that was a good sign that he is wanting the change.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
remington, just to help you understand.
My wife has been in rehab 4 or 5 times over the last 10 years. Just because they go to rehab doesn't mean they will stop drinking. Just because they stop drinking they will stay stopped. I am speaking from 15 years of experience of dealing with an alcoholic.
My wife has been in rehab 4 or 5 times over the last 10 years. Just because they go to rehab doesn't mean they will stop drinking. Just because they stop drinking they will stay stopped. I am speaking from 15 years of experience of dealing with an alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5
we both enjoy the same things we enjoy livestock shows, hunting, fishing, we eat at the dinner table every night and talk about our days. We talk for hours some times about nothing but we are always laughing. If I need anything I know he has my back and he will be there to support me. he is very proud of some of my achievements I have made in my life and he tells me. That is why I love him because he does have a good heart.
I hope this is the only rehab he will face, but I wouldnt truely love him if I would leave him over reading a blog post. Seems like all everyone talks about his horror stories. yes we have bad times and yes his drinking makes negitive impacts but its not all bad
I hope this is the only rehab he will face, but I wouldnt truely love him if I would leave him over reading a blog post. Seems like all everyone talks about his horror stories. yes we have bad times and yes his drinking makes negitive impacts but its not all bad
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Remington06,
Might not seem like it...but you can find all of that in someone and NOT have to make a lifetime commitment to his recovery. A lifetime commitment.
It is 100% your choice to stay or go. But we will always focus on you and give you the best experience, strength, and hope we have. The people posting their "horror stories" are sharing a piece of their hearts and lives with you and hoping you will go in another path that will decrease your suffering from loving someone afflicted with this disease.
We will be careful to not be aggressive and judgmental in sharing our experiences. But remember that these are real life experiences. We are recovering from broken hearts and warped mindsets that got warped because of alcoholism.
So, before you make your choice all we are asking is that you take our stories into account. Read the stickies at the top of the forum. Know that right now, YOU can walk away without a messy and expensive divorce, without bringing children into such a situation, and make a clean, albeit painful break.
We are sharing our stories and lives in hopes that your story doesn't turn into the horror we now share with you.
I'm sending love and light your way and wishing you the best NO MATTER what you choose.
Love,
Lily
Might not seem like it...but you can find all of that in someone and NOT have to make a lifetime commitment to his recovery. A lifetime commitment.
It is 100% your choice to stay or go. But we will always focus on you and give you the best experience, strength, and hope we have. The people posting their "horror stories" are sharing a piece of their hearts and lives with you and hoping you will go in another path that will decrease your suffering from loving someone afflicted with this disease.
We will be careful to not be aggressive and judgmental in sharing our experiences. But remember that these are real life experiences. We are recovering from broken hearts and warped mindsets that got warped because of alcoholism.
So, before you make your choice all we are asking is that you take our stories into account. Read the stickies at the top of the forum. Know that right now, YOU can walk away without a messy and expensive divorce, without bringing children into such a situation, and make a clean, albeit painful break.
We are sharing our stories and lives in hopes that your story doesn't turn into the horror we now share with you.
I'm sending love and light your way and wishing you the best NO MATTER what you choose.
Love,
Lily
Last edited by DefofLov; 06-12-2012 at 02:01 PM. Reason: Grammar and Spelling
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Well, you did ask for advice Remmington. Maybe you were hoping for something else?
It all sounds soooo romantic, what you are doing. Stand by my man, be there for him, grow with him in his recovery, wait for him to sober up and change. Thing is Remmington-addiction is one ugly business. As someone else posted, just because he spends 4-6 months in rehab doesn't mean he will stay sober.
It all sounds soooo romantic, what you are doing. Stand by my man, be there for him, grow with him in his recovery, wait for him to sober up and change. Thing is Remmington-addiction is one ugly business. As someone else posted, just because he spends 4-6 months in rehab doesn't mean he will stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
He sound so much like my ex-husband when I first met him. I would not have left him then either (well I would have if I knew then what I know now but the world doesn't work like that). The thing about alcoholism is that it is progressive. It gets worse. My husband got worse and when things got tough he followed the voice of addiction. Always. In the end he supported and protected his addiction, as always, and he gave me and his four kids up to do it. He is sober now, I think,
Anyway - you are smart. You are here right now. The thing that will give you HOPE is to immerse yourself in your own self-betterment. Attend al-anon and or find a private counselor that specializes in addictions. Read a book called 'Co dependent No More'. read the stickies at the top. Keep your circle of support wide and strong. This will give you real hope of a happy life regardless of what your boyfriend does or does not do. He may find recovery, he may not, he may be part of your life, he may not, but you will be OK if you pay attention to yourself and your needs.
Anyway - you are smart. You are here right now. The thing that will give you HOPE is to immerse yourself in your own self-betterment. Attend al-anon and or find a private counselor that specializes in addictions. Read a book called 'Co dependent No More'. read the stickies at the top. Keep your circle of support wide and strong. This will give you real hope of a happy life regardless of what your boyfriend does or does not do. He may find recovery, he may not, he may be part of your life, he may not, but you will be OK if you pay attention to yourself and your needs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by remington06 
I hope this is the only rehab he will face, but I wouldnt truely love him if I would leave him over reading a blog post. Seems like all everyone talks about his horror stories. yes we have bad times and yes his drinking makes negitive impacts but its not all bad
I asked the same question when I got here and figured out that people here were just sharing their life's experiences and no one was telling me to leave her. I remember one of the moderators saying that a lot of us finally make peace with our own lives and slowly drift away from SR...so that's why it seems like everyone talks about horror stories.
I have a daughter who isn't much older than you and I would probably tell her the same thing others here have already told you. In fact, I think I did when I managed to get her last boyfriend thrown in jail...but that's another story.
You titled your post "Hope" which is a subject very close to me. And, yes, there are good times along with the bad times. When she dies from her addiction I will remember the good times but it was the bad times that finally drove me here.
Like you, I truly believe in "Hope"; when I came here I was hoping to learn how to help her change. Through reading thousands of posts, a long list of books, and the help of a few special friends I learned that the "hope" involved changing me.
That's what everyone here is trying to do for you...give you enough information so that you are able to take care of you. This is my hope....that you live a happy and peaceful life.
Take care.
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