sofi

I say...think about it this way, if it helps:
Would you stay in a relationship with him if he had not been an alcoholic, but still did the things he had done (keeping secrets from you and so on)?
It would probably help if you went to therapy, it would help you understand your emotions, related to your background, and get you to figure out what it is you want from a relationship.
Take care

NYCDoglvr

Because you come from a family of alcoholics. Unfortunately it's common for children of alcoholics to get into relationships with alcoholics. That's why unacceptable behavior (lying, manipulation) seems ok. It isn't not unless you want a life of misery. This has big red flags, you're walking in a minefield. Have you tried Al-anon and therapy? I hope you take action very soon and not buy into someone saying they're sorry. When it's an alcoholic it means nothing and you'll simply see more of the same.

scopikaz

im going through something very similar. Only I am newly divorced. I began talking with a girl from high school who made contact with me when she found out about my divorce. She was going through some things too and needed to talk. She was/is in an abusive relationship. I thought well maybe she just can't get out of it. This was three months ago as well. We have been texting primarily and talking some too. I have seen her twice. Every time we've talked it's always been good, she seems to have many good qualities and attributes. Anyhow, I talked to a common friend who said he's seen her drunk more often than not in the past two years. And the last guy she was with was very abusive too (and she still deals with issues from that physically). In these three months, she's been arrested for domestic violence, taken the abuser back multiple times, has lied about some things, lost a job, is now unemployed, says she wants to change and needs to put this abuser out of her life - yet none of it has happened yet. I am hoping for more with her, but realistically it will never happen unless she sought real change (which I believe will only come from God). Anyhow, I am trying to get over her, just difficult. So I totally empathize and sympathize.

SW2012

Thank you everyone for your advice and suggestions. I have checked out the adult children of alcoholics forum and a few others. I really appreciate everything everyone has shared.

S

Tuffgirl

Its called "Fix him with the love of a good woman" complex. And rarely does this work, although in fiction novels, TV and movies it works all the damn time. No wonder we all (generalizing here to the American population) have a screwed up perspective toward relationships!

He lied... about everything...enough said.

mmk11

What does this mean?

pinkdog

For me, trust is number 1. Otherwise I would drive myself crazy questioning their motives in the future. Maybe after he goes to rehab, he might be able to be honest. Don't think so right now.

DesertEyes

It means that people who are controlled by an addiction, and that includes drugs, prescription pills, alcohol, etc. etc. place their addiction above all other things in their life. They will sacrifice _everything_ in order to maintain their addiction. If it ever comes to a choice between a relationship and the addiction there is absolutely _no_ question in the mind of the person under control of an addiction. The relationship goes.

It's no different than a car. To the addict the car has a useful purpose; to provide transportation to the bar, dealer, etc. It's nothing more than a means to an end. The addict will put gas in the car, get it serviced, but only the bare minimum in order to keep it running. If the addict is short of money the car is sold _instantly_, because it's purpose is to assist in getting drugs so selling the car is just part of it's purpose.

A relationship, to the addict, has a useful purpose, to provide housing, food, and a bit of "cover" so that other people think the addict is a normal person who has a normal life. The addict will maintain the relationship so long as it's useful, some nice words, some apologies, maybe a gift or two, but only the bare minimum in order to keep the housing and "cover".

That's why it's called a "hostage", the relationship is being used by the addict as a tool to provide protection for the addiction.

Mike
Moderator, SR

fourmaggie

I so agree with you NYCDOGlvr...

have you thought about going to ACOA=adult children of alcoholics? or AL ANON?