lizatola

I'd be able to ask my husband why he didn't take out the trash or turn the hose off without feeling like I was being a nag or trying to cause trouble. Anyone care to add? I'm just feeling funky right now, coming home after being away for 4 days to find that he couldn't even take out the trash because he's depressed because he's on house arrest and I'm sure that would be his excuse. Yet, he was able to get out to a doctor appointment this AM to get his Paxil refilled where I'm sure he told his doctor that he's hunky dory doing great and please just refill my drugs, thanks!

Sorry, I'm being angry. Better I do it here than in his face because that won't get me anywhere!

LaTeeDa

In a real healthy relationship, you wouldn't have to ask because partners pitch in and do the work. And if something gets missed, they apologize before you have to ask because they know they missed something. I'm afraid you're shopping for bread at the hardware store. Whether you ask or not, whether you nag or not, he's just not capable of being part of a team right now. Hard as it is to accept, you are on your own. The only thing you have to decide is if you are okay with that or not.

L

lizatola

You hit the nail on the head. He did take care of our geriatric dog, though. He bathed her and made sure her bedding was changed out (she has urine issues) and she was fed. I guess that counts for something.

I did ask him how long the hose had been on because the patio was soaked. He didn't even know, could have been yesterday, maybe it was this morning? UGH!

Oh, he'd apologize if I said anything. He's been apologizing for EVERYTHING right now. It's weird. Everything gets an I'm sorry, even if I don't say a thing. He apologizes for things that I don't even notice like noises he's creating around the house, etc. I never even realize he's making noise but he's apologizing. Honestly, it's driving me nuts. Today he apologized for leaving a receipt on the counter. The only reason I asked him about it was because I thought that maybe he needed to file it since it was related to the DUI. Really weird.

gerryP

Liz your 2nd post seems to describe the polar opposite to your first post, which was written 15 minutes later. ?

lizatola

Why? Because of my sarcasm about caring for the dog? You know what's funny? He takes better care of the dog than he does of the humans in this house. I was being sarcastic, but it didn't come across that way.

I think his I'm sorry crap is about how he feels about his situation. I don't really think he's sorry to me, he's sorry for his predicament. So, yes, I find that weird. Normal does not exist in our house, normal people aren't walking around their homes with ankle monitoring bracelets on while doing house arrest.

LaTeeDa

And in a normal relationship, people don't get "extra credit" for doing what's normal and expected. It seems you are trying to find something lovable about him by scraping up what other people do as a regular part of life. Like I said, shopping for bread at the hardware store. I know, because I did it for twenty years. Sometimes I wish I could get that time back.

L

FindingJoy

Lizatola. I use to do the same thing....well he did take me shopping or he has sleep issues so his mind is foggy. Nooooo it's that he simply didnt want to and didn't care. Everything As care about they go the extra mile to make them happen from buying booze, to filling RXs, to creating very elaborate manipulations to get out of work or responsibilities.

The truth sucks and sounds horrible and shocking. That they just don't want to and don't care. When we face the truth now we have to do something about and that is freakin tough. I did it 3 weeks ago and it was the best thing I could o for my self but wow I'm still struggling and feeling lonely as hell.

Better to not count on your hubby for Anything other than addict behavior.

Jody675

LaTeeDa...love the saying...shopping for bread in the hardware store!

Liz i spent 14 years with a husband that couldn't be bothered to do the most basic things. if i asked him to put the washing away which i put in the middle of our bedroom floor at some point during his 2 days off it stayed there for the next 2 months growing. we had a cleaner so it wasn't that there was that much to do around our place, but still what little there was, was obviously too difficult for my ex. at some point i realised i either had to accept that that was him or move on. you know what option i took. (but it did take a long time to make it, and that wasn't the only reason, just one of a long list. i think we all hope that they will work it out one day on their own, we just need to try harder. which we all know is not what needs to happen.).

XXXXXXXXXX

In a real and healthy relationship, you could enjoy a vacation to the beach, soak up some sun, sightsee, go to dinner, walk on the beach.

That's what I wanted to do. Instead I watched him drink way too much and go to the hotel bar alone when I refused to join in. Instead when he returned an hour later i ended up sleeping in my car for a few hours until he passed out around 3 am.

In a normal relationship you dont wake up at 5am while on vacation covered with someone else's ****, shower and go try to do things on your own while your "soulmate" sleeps it off.

And finally this would not be blamed on the fact that you had three glasses of wine.


Thankfully I know what I want from my next partner, and will settle for no less. There are much worse things than being single.

dandylion

Liz, the thing that strikes me right away is that (to me) you both seem to be seething anger. Like the atmosphere must be crackling with it. ?? My interpretation of his excessive apologizing for almost ridiculous things is that it is a passive aggressive expression. (read--passive anger). Not making a value judgement---just saying....

If I am halfway close on this---WOW, it must be emotionally exhausting for you, him AND your son to be in this atmosphere!

I have been in an angry atmosphere like that before and it was awful. I sure do feel for you.
I am rooting for your continued growth (metmorphosis).

gerryP

No, your right lizatola, normal isn't walking around the house with an ankle monitoring bracelet.

Was it ever "normal" lizatola? Maybe this DUI and subsequent attitude and behaviour related to the DUI, has served to illuminate the reality of your life together. Sometimes life has a way of pushing us to see things we might not want to.

I hope yourself and Son are still going to FL. I think you really need the break if nothing else.

Justfor1

Can he take out the trash outside without the ankle monitor going off? I knew someone who had house arrest for 3 months & he couldn't even go 10 feet outside the house. I remember it was like a 90's pager strapped to his ankle.

MsPINKAcres

((Liz))

hate so much that you are surrounded by unhappiness ~ that is a miserable way to live ~

what I learned is "how important is it" and that somethings are important to me and somethings aren't

My ex ah of over 17 yrs WHEN SOBER was an excellent housekeeper ~ in fact ~ he was a fanatic about it ~ to the point of insisting the girls & I kept everything perfect but then when he was drinking/using he was a SLOB & went days without even bathing ~ it was disgusting ~ I drove myself crazy trying to keep the house perfect - cuz if it was perfect he might not drink/use so much (pre-al-anon days!)

Now many years later & married to Mr. PINK ~ Mr.PINK is great about helping me with the house if I ask him to but pretty much he's a it stays where it falls kinda guy -keeps himself clean & neat but the house as long as it's clean he's not so concerned about tidy ~ does it bother me - NOT a single bit ~ why? because there is peace, harmony & respect in our home - neither of us expects the other to do everything ~ we are a partnership that works together ~ if I really needed something done - I have the freedom to verbalize it in a respectful manner (not nagging, just asking); he has the right to say "honey I'm worn out from work - can it wait?"

So in the short of it all - it's about mutual respect, not really about the trash, dishes or laundry ~ just my thoughts . . .

hope you have a much deserved rest soon ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

GettingBy

Hi there!

I spent so many years of my life fighting over taking out the garbage and scrubbing the toilets. I was so frustrated and annoyed that my AH couldn't or wouldn't live up to MY expectations. I wanted things done, and it felt so irresponsible and disrespectful that he continues to just do his own thing.

The one... And ONLY... Thing that made my situation better was...

Acceptance.

I had to accept the fact that taking out the garbage and cleaning the toilets just didn't matter to my AH, or at least not as much to me as is did to him. I had a choice though (we always have choices!)... Take it or leave it. It's that simple. I had to accept him as is and then decide if that worked for me.

The final answer for me was... No. I wanted more, and it was very much okay to want more. It was NOT okay though for me to keep demanding him to change to meet my needs. In a "normal" (whatever that is) relationship, two people are partners working together. That can't happen in an alcoholic relationship because one of the partners has a primary relationship with alcohol. The quicker I ACCEPTED that reality... The quicker life calmed down and I moved on to a path towards happiness.

I understand your pain and anger. I remember being SOOO flipping mad. I did all sorts of crazy (but they are funny now!) things to show him how angry I was. Didn't do us any good... Just made me look nuttier than him!

I pray you find acceptance today... And then let go!

Learn2Live

I used to live with people like this, like you describe. Like so many other posters describe here. For many years and with many different people. I would put up with all of kinds of stuff like this but I'd be miserable and unsatisfied in every aspect of my life. "Throw me a bone," I'd often say under my breath. I'd sacrifice. I'd clean up after. I'd tolerate. I'd fix. And lose my temper every so often. I'd judge the person. I'd tell them ALL the things that were WRONG with them and still they would do nothing to fix it! I'd beg, plead, cry. I'd complain, throw things, act out, awfulize. I'd blame myself. I'd feel bad about myself because I thought, "I MUST have caused this because if he really loved me then he would <fill in the blank>. My life was just packed with drama and chaos. Mostly because of how I would react to whatever the person was doing or not doing, or did or was going to do. I would treat the person poorly, be abusive even, and feel justified in doing so. After all, I was the sober one, the one working on myself, etc. I was the one who was RIGHT and everyone else agreed with me!

I eventually figured out I was Self-Righteous and Judgmental and thought I was the Center of the Universe, and I realized I did not want to be that way. I did all kinds of things, and thought all kinds of ways, and said all kinds of nastiness, that I am ashamed to admit. All because I chose to live with people who do not want to live their lives the same way I like to live mine. I treated them like $hit and felt Justified. I try not to do that anymore. I try to surround myself only with like-minded people, people who do not drink or do drugs. I get along with those kinds of people much better than drinkers or druggers.

I am no longer trapped and it sure feels good.

Learn2Live

Oh, and I no longer associate with people who are in jail, or on house arrest, or have otherwise significant criminal records. They're marked as "criminals" for a reason and I no longer take responsibility for being society's savior or helper.

LaTeeDa

Also in a real and healthy relationship, little things like trash and hoses don't cause bitterness and resentment, because they are little things. It's only when there is a large pachyderm in the room that the little things become big problems.

L

lizatola

Just wanted to add that I do accept things for what they are around here and I've grown accustomed to doing most of the work around here. He does help with the laundry(sometimes) and does the dishes if I ask or if he has the inclination to do so.

The garbage needed to go to the curb, not get taken out of the house. We live in AZ where it's 104 everyday and the can sits outside and stinks to high heaven and we have animals that like to try to get into the can. It really needs to go out weekly so now I'll have 2 weeks worth of stinky trash sitting out there fermenting in the heat, LOL!

We all forget to take out the trash, I get that. I think that my anger is about a lot of things but not really about the trash or the water hose being left on, etc. It's about the fact that I know he'll drink again and I still have no plan. I am going to FL in a few weeks to give me a break from being around him day in and day out. I am afraid to set a real boundary. I guess I'm afraid of being alone or of jumping the gun instead of giving him a real chance. Or maybe I've given him too much of a chance and I'm just afraid to be on my own? I don't even have those answers so yes, it makes me frustrated and angry.

If he's angry and taking it out on me, that's cool. Maybe he's angry at his own situation? Maybe he's frustrated with himself? I guess that's his problem, right?

choublak

I'm not even trying to be funny here, but this is probably more common than you might think. It's so easy to compare our lives to those of others based solely on what we see on the surface. Everybody has their "skeletons in the closet."

MsPINKAcres

can I ask why is it "cool" for him to be angry about a situation that he created and to take it out on you?

or am I misunderstanding what you are saying?