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In a real healthy relationship....

Old 06-12-2012, 09:35 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Liz Re: your last post- you are further ahead than you think. I was nodding at everything I read. It's easier for me to see the facts because I am not emotionally involved.

You probably know this already, but you 'are' alone already. You already do most everything by yourself in the house and you home school. It might take some time for you to get used to your new feelings and emotions, but they are now your new belief.

Glad to know you are going to FL. Being out from under the reminders of what your life really is may serve to give you an extra push. I wish you well. It takes time to get to a next step. It's a disappointment and it is frightening, but you will handle it.
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Old 06-12-2012, 10:04 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres View Post
can I ask why is it "cool" for him to be angry about a situation that he created and to take it out on you?

or am I misunderstanding what you are saying?
Well, it was suggested in the thread above that his "I'm sorries" could be his passive aggressive anger. I guess I'm OK with that. He has every right to be angry at himself and apologizing for everything is NOT a bad way to express anger, LOL! I'll take the apologies despite how unnecessary they really are.

If he's angry at me, then he can come to me and tell me so, but since he barely speaks I guess I don't have to worry about that. I called him every night while we were away but I did most of the talking. He attended his alcohol classes for his DUI, it's not like he was going to talk about those. Maybe he's angry about those classes? Who knows? Maybe he's not angry and maybe he's just depressed? Since he won't talk to me and I'm not talking to him I guess we'll never know.

As for me not talking to him: I realized that every time I try to talk about important stuff I find that it becomes a pity party for him and he winds up saying stuff that makes me question his sanity even more. I figured just NOT ENGAGING him is the best thing to do for now. My time for a real conversation will come, when I'm ready and when my Higher Power is with me to say what I mean, and not say it mean. Not sure I can do that right now.
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Old 06-12-2012, 10:17 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Liza,

My ABF tends to the animals better than to the humans in the house as well. My A just last night in a drunken stupor told me how bad I am to my dog because I don't realize she doesn't want to pee in our own yard???? Before we had a yard, I was a SOB for not wanting to take her to go pee and so we got a yard. Now that we have a yard, I still don't give a crap about the dog in his eyes. LOL! It is just crazy. It's okay to buy beer over feeding your child and sit back and get drunk every single day while your woman takes care of the household entirely alone including the child, but I am also a SOB for not paying enough attention to the dog not wanting to pee in her own backyard.

Crazy making I tell you. Your post about the dog just really hit a nerve I guess because my A always seems so concerned about the animals and my relationship with them (????) and he doesn't give a crap about the human relationships in his life. Rather freaking bizarre if you ask me. Nothing about living with an A is normal.

Your posts really resonate with me because I think we are at very similar crossroads in our relationships. Good luck to you!
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Old 06-12-2012, 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by chronsweet View Post
Liza,

My ABF tends to the animals better than to the humans in the house as well. My A just last night in a drunken stupor told me how bad I am to my dog because I don't realize she doesn't want to pee in our own yard???? Before we had a yard, I was a SOB for not wanting to take her to go pee and so we got a yard. Now that we have a yard, I still don't give a crap about the dog in his eyes. LOL! It is just crazy. It's okay to buy beer over feeding your child and sit back and get drunk every single day while your woman takes care of the household entirely alone including the child, but I am also a SOB for not paying enough attention to the dog not wanting to pee in her own backyard.

Crazy making I tell you. Your post about the dog just really hit a nerve I guess because my A always seems so concerned about the animals and my relationship with them (????) and he doesn't give a crap about the human relationships in his life. Rather freaking bizarre if you ask me. Nothing about living with an A is normal.

Your posts really resonate with me because I think we are at very similar crossroads in our relationships. Good luck to you!
I think the reason they care about the animals is that they know that animals can't judge them. Animals don't care if you wind up on the street, they figure you'll still take care of them and animals love unconditionally. I see what he gets from caring for the dog, it's very rewarding. I love our dog, luckily he doesn't accuse me of ever doing any wrong to the animal or in regards to how I care for the house. I think he knows I do a good job, he just chooses to isolate himself. That's his choice.
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Old 06-12-2012, 10:28 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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ok - i just got the impression you thought it was ok for him to be angry at you because of the situation he was in ~ like it was your fault ~ seems like manipulations & projecting those emotions onto us happens quite often. . .

Kinda brought back LOTS of memories for me - i allow myself to take on lots of that anger from my exah for years because of all the consequences of his actions & I couldn't fix them! <--- looking at that now really makes me see how dysfunctional I was in the relationship.

sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees - lol

I truly hope you enjoy your time away - hope it's filled with peace, sanity, serenity, laughter, joy and happiness - all the things you deserve on a daily basis!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 06-12-2012, 05:08 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres View Post
ok - i just got the impression you thought it was ok for him to be angry at you because of the situation he was in ~ like it was your fault ~ seems like manipulations & projecting those emotions onto us happens quite often. . .

Kinda brought back LOTS of memories for me - i allow myself to take on lots of that anger from my exah for years because of all the consequences of his actions & I couldn't fix them! <--- looking at that now really makes me see how dysfunctional I was in the relationship.

sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees - lol

I truly hope you enjoy your time away - hope it's filled with peace, sanity, serenity, laughter, joy and happiness - all the things you deserve on a daily basis!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
I do too! Right now, I feel like I walk around angry, both angry at him and at myself and I don't like being like this. I remind myself over and over again that my Higher Power is in control and that I must surrender and accept where things are for now.

If I could sum up my trip to FL, I would say that it's to take the time to release the anger, get rid of resentment, and accept him for who he is. And, accept me for where I am in my process, too!

Just wish it was easier!!! Or maybe it's just that I wish that I could figure out what my boundaries are and what I'm willing to live with or not live with.
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Old 06-12-2012, 06:20 PM
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in the healthy realtionship i am in, i have no expectations. i accept my woman for who she is. i focus on her qualities and accept her shortcomings because i have shortcomeings too. i help her whenever possible with no expectations of a pat on the back or anything in return.if i have a problem with something she does or says, its my problem and my responsibility to fix me. i do it out of love. we are both in recovery,too.
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Old 06-13-2012, 09:17 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
in the healthy realtionship i am in, i have no expectations. i accept my woman for who she is. i focus on her qualities and accept her shortcomings because i have shortcomeings too. i help her whenever possible with no expectations of a pat on the back or anything in return.if i have a problem with something she does or says, its my problem and my responsibility to fix me. i do it out of love. we are both in recovery,too.
I used to be like this, it's amazing how life turns around on you especially once the A turns back to the bottle.
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