My boyfriends drinking is destroying our relationship
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
My boyfriends drinking is destroying our relationship
Hi,
I've come to this site because i'm looking for some advice on how to help my boyfriend with his drinking problem. He drinks on average 30-40 pints of lager per week, he may have 1 or 2 days off drinking per week but not always. He is 30 and has been drinking heavily for at least the last 10 years. When he drinks he becomes angry and impatience and snaps at the slightest thing. This is really upsetting for me, I don't think there has been even a couple of days for the last 5 months when I haven't cried about this problem. His drinking effects everything in his life and our life together. He has a full time job but most days has a hangover and is very tired at work. Most days i am also far too tired to do my job properly since i have been up at night arguing with him about his drinking or just waiting for him to some home because i am so worried.
He is not able to save money, pay off any debts, do anything on his days off, even get his hair cut because he is almost always in a state of being hungover or drunk.
I have tried everything from the softly softly approach where i try to offer help and support to sleeping in a different room for several nights in the hope that my being away from him will make him see the light. Nothing changes.
He knows he has a problem and when he is drunk he often gets upset and says he wants to stop or cut down his drinking because ultimately it makes him unhappy but then the next day he will just drink again to the same extent. I have tried suggesting he drinks water in between pints or that he drinks slower or drinks weaker beers but to no avail.
I am really at the end of the road, I've almost given up hope. He has promised so many times it will change but it never does.
I just don't know what to do anymore. He is so so lovely when he is not drunk and he isn't always mean when he is drunk but i hate him drinking so much.
Please help i'm really struggling and can't turn to anyone because i feel it will make him look bad or make me look like a nagging hassling girlfriend.
I've come to this site because i'm looking for some advice on how to help my boyfriend with his drinking problem. He drinks on average 30-40 pints of lager per week, he may have 1 or 2 days off drinking per week but not always. He is 30 and has been drinking heavily for at least the last 10 years. When he drinks he becomes angry and impatience and snaps at the slightest thing. This is really upsetting for me, I don't think there has been even a couple of days for the last 5 months when I haven't cried about this problem. His drinking effects everything in his life and our life together. He has a full time job but most days has a hangover and is very tired at work. Most days i am also far too tired to do my job properly since i have been up at night arguing with him about his drinking or just waiting for him to some home because i am so worried.
He is not able to save money, pay off any debts, do anything on his days off, even get his hair cut because he is almost always in a state of being hungover or drunk.
I have tried everything from the softly softly approach where i try to offer help and support to sleeping in a different room for several nights in the hope that my being away from him will make him see the light. Nothing changes.
He knows he has a problem and when he is drunk he often gets upset and says he wants to stop or cut down his drinking because ultimately it makes him unhappy but then the next day he will just drink again to the same extent. I have tried suggesting he drinks water in between pints or that he drinks slower or drinks weaker beers but to no avail.
I am really at the end of the road, I've almost given up hope. He has promised so many times it will change but it never does.
I just don't know what to do anymore. He is so so lovely when he is not drunk and he isn't always mean when he is drunk but i hate him drinking so much.
Please help i'm really struggling and can't turn to anyone because i feel it will make him look bad or make me look like a nagging hassling girlfriend.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here for yourself. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do for your boyfriend since it doesn't sound like he's ready to seek recovery. You have to decide what you will and will not live with, make boundaries, and then keep them. You deserve much better than what you are getting in this relationship, and I hope we can help you find the strength to start looking out for yourself. The only one who can help your boyfriend is your boyfriend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
hi, thanks for your words of advice. In the last few days he has said he wants to stop drinking. the first time was on saturday without me prompting him. after a heavy night out, little sleep and a day at work he sent me the following texts.
"i need your help, i really want to stop drinking, i'm abdolutley fed up. i just need your support and encouragement. i dont want to end up in an early grave through drinking. I really want to cut down. I can feel the effects its having on my body and see the toll its taking on our relationship. I'm going to make a stand and actually stick to it."
I was so happy when i received this string of messages because he was finally admitting when he was sober that he needed to stop but the next night we went out with his family and he drank 10 pints!!
How do I help him? or is there really nothing I can do. If i leave he will just go on a massive binge i know it so i'm too scared to do that.
"i need your help, i really want to stop drinking, i'm abdolutley fed up. i just need your support and encouragement. i dont want to end up in an early grave through drinking. I really want to cut down. I can feel the effects its having on my body and see the toll its taking on our relationship. I'm going to make a stand and actually stick to it."
I was so happy when i received this string of messages because he was finally admitting when he was sober that he needed to stop but the next night we went out with his family and he drank 10 pints!!
How do I help him? or is there really nothing I can do. If i leave he will just go on a massive binge i know it so i'm too scared to do that.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You cannot help him, he has a disease that has no cure. He will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober or not and working a strong recovery program...for life. Relapes are common even after years and years.
I would suggest that you read Codependent No More and fine an Alanon meeting in your area. You need to learn about this disease. Also, read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and those on the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, lots of information at your fingertips.
Right now all he is doing is giving you lip service, if he wants recovery he will seek out a strong recovery program on his own. He words mean nothing, actions, actions and more actions.
I would suggest that you read Codependent No More and fine an Alanon meeting in your area. You need to learn about this disease. Also, read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and those on the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, lots of information at your fingertips.
Right now all he is doing is giving you lip service, if he wants recovery he will seek out a strong recovery program on his own. He words mean nothing, actions, actions and more actions.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Problem,
I'd go around and read about a dozen or so posts that are similar to yours. Then you can start to see that the people in the relationship that can control the drinking are the ones doing the drinking.
I used to try to make my boyfriend quit drinking and it caused fights. He never wanted to promise me to quit drinking because he just doesn't want to quit drinking. LOL. It helps me to know he really has a disease and he can't quit. It also helps me to know that I deserve more than this and that I am just working on myself as best as I can. I have my codependent moments and lack strength in some areas, but my determination to get away from this kind of relationship grows with each passing day. I used to get bent out of shape by his drinking but not anymore.
I will make it out of this life with him. I know that. I don't doubt it for one moment. I used to get afraid, in my situation, about him trying to get my child half the time but I don't worry about that so much these days. I have come to realize he is too selfish to care for our son even. I buy everything for our son. He only has $$ for his addiction. We went to the fair with my mom & I over this past weekend. I bought my son a sword and a hat and food. I asked for ABF to buy a piece of pizza for his kid to eat and he acted all put out, then went off and bought himself food, beer, etc. LOL.
A's are selfish. That is my experience. Dealing with this disease has been so disheartening that if ever presented with it again, I will tuck tail and run in the opposite direction.
I'd go around and read about a dozen or so posts that are similar to yours. Then you can start to see that the people in the relationship that can control the drinking are the ones doing the drinking.
I used to try to make my boyfriend quit drinking and it caused fights. He never wanted to promise me to quit drinking because he just doesn't want to quit drinking. LOL. It helps me to know he really has a disease and he can't quit. It also helps me to know that I deserve more than this and that I am just working on myself as best as I can. I have my codependent moments and lack strength in some areas, but my determination to get away from this kind of relationship grows with each passing day. I used to get bent out of shape by his drinking but not anymore.
I will make it out of this life with him. I know that. I don't doubt it for one moment. I used to get afraid, in my situation, about him trying to get my child half the time but I don't worry about that so much these days. I have come to realize he is too selfish to care for our son even. I buy everything for our son. He only has $$ for his addiction. We went to the fair with my mom & I over this past weekend. I bought my son a sword and a hat and food. I asked for ABF to buy a piece of pizza for his kid to eat and he acted all put out, then went off and bought himself food, beer, etc. LOL.
A's are selfish. That is my experience. Dealing with this disease has been so disheartening that if ever presented with it again, I will tuck tail and run in the opposite direction.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR.
My concern for you is about the last few words of your post....the "nagging hassling" part.
The predictable cycle for an alcoholic and his girlfriend is that he will say he wants to quit, she will try to do things to control his drinking so she can help him quit, he will inwardly not want to quit--at all--and then he will turn on his girlfriend.
He will criticize her, shift the blame onto her for any problems in the relationship, he will control her by threatening to leave, and often he will convince her that he has to drink to deal with her insanity. And the ultimate: he will leave her and find a new girlfriend because he finds her "too controlling."
The result is that the original girlfriend is abandoned and shamed and without any faith in her own worth or her own beauty. Alcoholics are masters at destroying their partner's self-worth.
I am sharing this because the last few words of your post indicate you are already starting to criticize yourself and to monitor whether you are behaving the right way with an alcoholic.
No matter what happens in the future with him, no matter what he says or does, please try to remember that you are someone worthy of respect and mutual loving attention on a consistent basis. He may one day try to convince you otherwise.
My concern for you is about the last few words of your post....the "nagging hassling" part.
The predictable cycle for an alcoholic and his girlfriend is that he will say he wants to quit, she will try to do things to control his drinking so she can help him quit, he will inwardly not want to quit--at all--and then he will turn on his girlfriend.
He will criticize her, shift the blame onto her for any problems in the relationship, he will control her by threatening to leave, and often he will convince her that he has to drink to deal with her insanity. And the ultimate: he will leave her and find a new girlfriend because he finds her "too controlling."
The result is that the original girlfriend is abandoned and shamed and without any faith in her own worth or her own beauty. Alcoholics are masters at destroying their partner's self-worth.
I am sharing this because the last few words of your post indicate you are already starting to criticize yourself and to monitor whether you are behaving the right way with an alcoholic.
No matter what happens in the future with him, no matter what he says or does, please try to remember that you are someone worthy of respect and mutual loving attention on a consistent basis. He may one day try to convince you otherwise.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
He will criticize her, shift the blame onto her for any problems in the relationship, he will control her by threatening to leave, and often he will convince her that he has to drink to deal with her insanity. And the ultimate: he will leave her and find a new girlfriend because he finds her "too controlling."
This is so true, mine did the same after 17 years, and I lost all of my self-worth. Alcoholics don't build families they destroy them. I repeat this as my mantra.
Good luck to you, you do deserve better.
This is so true, mine did the same after 17 years, and I lost all of my self-worth. Alcoholics don't build families they destroy them. I repeat this as my mantra.
Good luck to you, you do deserve better.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
The 3 c's of alcoholism/addiction. .
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
The only thing you CAN do is take good care of you & learning to make healthy choices ~
Remember you deserve respect, honesty, dignity and healthy love ~
Please keep hanging out at SR - reading the post & learning about what is healthy for you!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
The only thing you CAN do is take good care of you & learning to make healthy choices ~
Remember you deserve respect, honesty, dignity and healthy love ~
Please keep hanging out at SR - reading the post & learning about what is healthy for you!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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