Craving normalcy
 

Does anyone else get jealous when they see "normal," healthy couples/families? My AH and I never do anything fun really. I love music and concerts but I haven't been to one in years because I'm always really nervous in places like that because I'm afraid he'll start drinking. We never go to family functions because my family has issues with him for what he's put me through. He has so much shame over his behavior that we never see friends anymore. It's crazy that I've given up so much "life." I would love to have a husband who I could go out dancing with. The last time we did that, probably two years ago, he drank more than the two beers he agreed to, and ended up drunk and threatening to fight a guy who bumped into me. I got into a cab and went straight home. He came home in a cab later, and I had to pull him off the street in front of our house because he was trying to start a fight with a random guy walking down the street.

Wow, all this reflecting is really making me question how I've put up with all of this for so long.

Sorry for posting so much. I'm a little lonely and this is getting me through. When I left my religion at 23, (7 years ago), I lost all of my friends. Now, dealing with an A has prevented me from really cultivating new friendships. I need that in my life again. Maybe now I can refocus.

Oh, Emmy,

I've heard it said that "normal" is just a setting on the washing machine. After living my own complicated life with an A, I can tell you that there is danger in comparing your insides to other peoples' outsides. Many friends used to tell me that they wished they had my "wonderful life and relationship" that they saw from my X and me. LITTLE did they know the h*ll that I lived behind closed doors.

i do understand your desire to go out and do things. One of my greatest gifts from recovery was to learn that I could make plans and go and do those things - for myself. It was part of learning how to set and maintain my boundaries. One of my boundaries was that I would NOT go out to an event with my X if he was active in his "ism". I learned to say that "I intend to go here and do this ... and I am not willing to go with you in the same car if you have been drinking or plan to drink. Therefore, I will be driving myself. " (Remember, boundaries are about what I will or will not do and what I will or will not accept. Not about anyone else.)

I also made some very good friendships with some other women in my Al Anon group, and I'm still friends with a few of them many years later. There were a group of us that went to events together!

It was such a huge relief to me when I was able to make my own plans to go out and enjoy life again. I didn't realize how much I had given up!

I promise there is light and life and love and laughter on the other side.

Thanks :) funny what you said about people saying that to you. People say the same to me, that I'm lucky to have such a sweet, handsome guy, and other couples comment on how in love we seem. That's of course when he's sober.

My favorite thing to do was see comedy shows. Since this, I feel like we can't see a comedy show because its a "2 item minimum"...I told him it didn't have to be alcohol...but it was a fight so I just stopped bringing it up. I wish he would've understood all I did to try and cater to him and his sobriety...but he just ended up blaming me in the end...blamed me for everything.

There is no such thing as "normal". Everyone has issues.

Emmy, personally, “normal” does not exist everyone has issues. I cannot say that jealously is one I feel. I remember what I had years ago and I have good memories of it. When I look at other couples and families there are several I have to wonder how happy/peaceful they really are. Once in a great occasion I do observe a couple that seems truly happy together. At peace, confident, comfortable, content and being able to communicate without words, those few I truly feel happy for. I feel joy and I am grateful knowing there are some that can have it and express it. Is that something I will be able to experience again? I do not know. I know right now I have issues I want to work on and a relationship is not on my list of things to do. I enjoy it in others when I see it. I choose not to compare, but instead observe and identify what I am feeling. Am I content? - Am I at peace? - Or do I want to share with someone in the program to get a better perspective of any issues I may want to work on?

Haha the night we went dancing we had gone to a comedy club first. When lived in San Francisco, it was one of my favorite things to do. I love in SoCal, we should go together sometime.

At
 

Good points. I'm not divorced yet but I'm making moves toward that. Dating is the farthest thing from my mind. I want to focus on having light, fun, happy days with the kids and taking better care of myself. Otherwise I'll find myself in another bad relationship, and I can't do that to my boys.

I stopped going to Alanon meetings because I began to feel jealous of the women whose husbands were also in AA. I knew that was as close to normal we could hope for.

Good topic for discussion.

Life with an A is not "normal" ... ever. Alcoholism is not curable only treatable if the A is willing to work a program of recovery for life.

When my A and I were on the roller coaster of constant ups and downs of life with an A I had to always consider how my A would react to social situations and our life was planned around that since I did most of the planning.

I can take or leave alcohol so I left it for the four years.... simply did not drink along with my XA who of course was abstinent (at least in my presence lol). When he relapsed the last time for the LAST TIME with me I was in the home he has chosen for us in the golf community HE WANTED. I had rented my beach home and I was stuck in the lease without his financial help.

Pick business and life partners carefully. A's no longer need apply. We codies are always the guarantors on everything!

Anyway... I immediately went out and bought a wine rack and about 10 bottles of really nice wines. I learned to enjoy wine with dinner in Europe and I simply had given it up... no big deal really... but it was an act of defiance for me.

My friends were all shocked when they saw I was drinking but they told me that they always worried about my XA when we were all out together and most would not drink alcohol in solidarity with my XA. Now we all have a glass of wine with dinner and its... nice.

Secondly... I never went out. Never. Bars were a HUGE trigger. In the community I am in there is lots of lots of dancing. Lots of social clubs that meet and ball room dance. Lots of restaurants that have live music and dancing. Now my girlfriends go out and dance all the time together when they visit me... which is often now since I am living in this fun community with all these cool things to do.

Alcoholism is such a horrible disease and it even frightened my friends! They would worry along with me that in the wrong situation my A would possibly relapse (he was a super sneaky closet drinker who potentially would sneak up to the bar when no one was looking and slip alcohol in an allegedly alcohol free drink).

So... it is an issue. And when you lose the A it is a new freedom you enjoy. You can have wine with dinner without twinges of guilt. You can go dancing with friends and have a drink without having to watch the A like a hawk or worry that you are setting the stage for his relapse. You can have cooking wine or a nice bottle of wine in the house without worrying that he will drink it while you are out of the house.

I cannot tell you how WONDERFUL it is to wake up everyday and not have to worry about what my A might have done while I was asleep (closet drink)... or that he picked up a beer at a conveinence store while driving... or WHATEVER!!!!

You can't trust an A!!!! Ever. Sigh. This is the sad truth that I refused to accept. They have a big hole somewhere (heart? brain? both?) and no matter how much time you invest you are trustworthy in the relationship and they will always be dicey.

I am not normal! I am having waaaaay tooo much fun to be normal. Mondays are bike club, Tuesdays in Ladies golf, Wednesday and Thursday I have ballroom dancing class, Friday is yoga and of course we go out and dance on the weekends!

And alanon meetings too... pretty busy for semi retired and getting over heartbreak ... lol.. I am way over it!

Take what you want and leave the rest!

In my marriage of 25 yrs, I was the alcoholic.
8 yrs. into the marriage, family stepped in with
an intervention where I got sober 8-11-90.

As the alcoholic wife and mother of a normal
husband and kids, I longed for understanding,
communication, fun, romance, simple connection.

After my awesome talented loving kids grew
and went on with their young adult lives leaving
my husband and I alone to continue with our
lives, for me it always seemed awkward. I thought
that after the kids left that our marriage would
become stronger on our next leg of our marriage
together, stronger, loving, romantic till death due
us part.

Sadly, it didnt. We did go out to eat, hold hands,
and watch tv, but for me their always seemed like
something was missing. So we did a brief counciling
which didnt last.

My husband went on with his daily life, work, staying
strong in the kids and his own family's life, and I always
felt like an outsider, not strong or even connected with
either sides of the family orgin, no friends, just mainly
isolating, simple jobs, going to the park to commune
with nature, pray, jog, walk, and most of all stay strong
in my recovery the best I could .

I longed to return to my hometown of Baton Rouge
which saddened me soooo much because I left to
relocate to Houston so our kids could have more
opportunities to grow and mature in which they did
by leaps and bounds. It was 10 yrs of unhappiness
deep within my soul even tho i tried to be supportive
of my little family.

Anyway, after yrs of tears and prayers, I returned
to Baton Rouge in '06 on a new job and thus my
little marriage of 25 yrs ended mutually. Very calm
and as was to be.

Today, im remarried 3yrs now happier than I have
ever been in my life. 21 yrs sober and extremely
grateful and full of blessings from Above.

There are no regrets in how my life has ended up
because I have accepted that my HP had and still
has a plan for me and as long as I put first things
first, the most important thing in my life first then
I will be taken care of. And so far I have been as I
continue to grow and change in my recovery journey
of a lifetime. :)

Hi Emmy,

Yes, i was getting very jealous of "Normal People" who have more fulfilling relationships.

My AXbf had rage issues, so anytime I tried to take him out (he was broke and couldn't find work) he would be miserable and make everything miserable. Got to where I would BEG him, "please, just enjoy the (event, whatever) please....this one's important to me..." Etc.

Never worked. We did very little. I started getting good at going doing things on my own, but I was always sad about it...wanted him to join me, to be happy, to have fun together.

I see this kind of jealousy as a gift!!!!!!! :day6
Realizing I was jealous of others was a GOOD THING!!! I began to realize, because of the jealousy, that I was not just nebulously miserable, but that I was MISERABLE WITH this person, and that it wasn't getting any better---the jealousy began to break through my infatuation with him, to let me know that I WANTED BETTER THAN THIS!!!

Be jealous, but don't just stay in the emotion---- ask WHAT IS THIS FEELING TELLING ME?
I want to be happy, so Do I need to do something about it?

........
Getting better! Focusing ahead, now! My desires are in front of me, not behind!!

My feeling is, he's holding you down from having a fulfilling life EmmyG. I personally would rather live alone and "single" than unhappy, sitting on the sidelines, policing someone else's drama and chaos. (((hugs))) Dream big girl, you are worth it.

Hey Emmy-

Funny you bring this up, because I get jealous of normal people all the time. I am particularly jealous of a couple where both people are involved in making intelligent decisions together. Or where the woman seems smart, responsible, on top of her game.

Basically I wonder, what would it be like if my wife wasn't an alcoholic and actually had her act together like so and so?

So YES, I have gotten jealous of normal people (at least I pretend they are normal) all the time. Keeping in mind of course, not to covet my neighbor's wife. :-)

You're right, except who, exactly, is holding Emmy down?

It seems like we're all programmed to fear being alone, so much so that we're willing to endure a tremendous amount of suffering to avoid it. While we remain focused on the alcoholic, we're unable to see that we have a world of choices available to us.
Fulfilling or not, life doesn't stop for anybody.

All of this is so true. Tonight, I told AH not to contact me except to talk about the kids. Then I went and had a nice dinner/drink with my sister. Her husband is out of town so she came over to spend the night with me. We had so much fun talking about our single days. She mentioned the guy who I always considered to be "the one," and said she always loved us together. It just opened my eyes to new possibilities. I want joy! Fun! Peace. I want to be my old me again without the alcoholism sucking the life out of me.

" I want joy! Fun! Peace. I want to be my old me again without the alcoholism sucking the life out of me.>

That is entirely up to you, it depends on your decisions.

Happiness is an inside job, no one else can make you happy, it all starts and ends with you, your attitude.

I am glad that you enjoyed your evening.