Slipping
 

I'm feeling as though I may be experiencing a "slip" - serenity losing its priority. When I first noticed the behavior/attitude change in my RAH I felt as though it was his problem and I wasn't about to spend my time obsessing and trying to figure out what had brought on the latest change. I was too busy having went back to work after a month long layoff to spend my free time in his head. I justified my behavior as a cross between detachment, self preservation and "having a life." It's been almost a month now and it feels as though he's upping the ante by staying out later, leaving out early, not answering my calls and calling me back hours later, not speaking to me except out of necessity (like tonight he wanted the bill money, so he asked if I had my half after he got it, there was nothing more to say.) He doesn't work but I did ask him today, when he finally answered the phone, if he had gotten a job. I was some how trying to figure out what he's doing with his time and who was he with. A futile effort on my part as it was met with one word answers. I knew I was going over the edge when I found myself going online to view his cell phone activity and playing the ID the number game. I felt low and pathetic.

When things get like this I begin to digress back into that feeling I had as a child. My mom is an ACOA and was rather emotionally abusive. My father, well let's just say I have abandonment issues due to him. I hate to feel ignored and unsupported, it puts me in fight or flight mode. I'm under a lot of stress and pressure at work and having an unstable home life on top really has me feeling like running away. My emotions are running the gambit of anger, frustration and anxiety. I've been praying that my HP step in on my job front because this past week had me feeling like quitting every other day but I know I need the money to survive. I feel so overwhelmed and don't know what to do with myself. I can barely concentrate on anything because it all feels like too much. I really feel like I could go off at the drop of a hat. I'm trying hard to let go and let God but I'm failing miserably.. :wild

Any ES&H would be appreciated. Thanks.

It might help if you do some online reading regarding depression in men. That is a possible reason for his withdrawal and mood. And what happens to spouses of depressed men is often what you described you are feeling: anger, frustration, anxiety.

Alcoholics often have underlying clinical depression, which manifests in cycles over the years. And experts on depression note that family members living under the same roof as someone with clinical depression also may develop clinical depression themselves as a result of the stress.

The problem may not be depression, of course, but that is one possibility to explore. And it is treatable.

I hope things improve for you both soon.

I understand that "slipping" feeling. Never makes us feel good and never solves anything. Just like drinking is to an alcoholic...seems like a good idea at the time as they say.

My lowest point is when I went to verify that my XAB was really at a restaurant with a guy, when I pulled in he was walking out with the guy and he saw me. I've never done that in my life. Felt cheap immature and discusted with my self.

When I get that feeling to "verify" I take some deep breathes and do something to distract my self. Like take a bath, open mail, read a magazine, call a friend, stick a fork in my eye (just kidding).

When I start slipping, I start looking for ways find stability.

I need to feel grounded, secure, and appreciated. I know that I need to be the source of those feelings too.

To get grounded, I need to release the pressure that has been building inside. The fastest way for me to release is exercise. Power walking is my method. It only requires a pair of shoes and me to step outside the door. I start out fast with long strides. I am pounding the pavement and sorting my thoughts at the same time. Later, I am too tired to worry about someone else's business.

To feel secure, I check myself. What do I need to do to take care of myself today? How can I show myself that I am taking care of me today?

To feel appreciated, I use positive affirmations. Notes to myself on my mirror that I read outloud while looking myself in the eye have been a powerful way to verbalize my appreciation of me.

An excellent resource on self care is the book "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay

Sending encouragement and support as you regain solid serenity in your life.

Hi Destiny,

Sorry you are feeling so low. I don't know your history but it sounds like you have been working on your own recovery and understand the dynamics of detachment. Hope you are attending alanon when possible.

You said your A is recovering... is in active recovery or is he just abstinent from alcohol? If he is just "not drinking" that is usually quite temporary for an A unless they are seriously working a program.

If you value the relationship and he is truly trying to find recovery and you want it to work out it sounds like you may want to consider a good counselor who is well versed in relationships, alcholism and codependency.

I was in counseling for four years with XA and we were great at communicating our feelings with eachother... he just couldn't stop drinking permanently! Even when he wasn't drinking and was in true recovery it wasn't all lollipops, rainbows and roses.

Relationships are hard in the normal realm but they are off the chain hard with alcoholic and codependent... it can work out... but you gotta work it out... usually in meetings and on the couch together.

Hope that helps a little. Take care of you and have some fun real soon! Do something you love with friends.

@English Garden -- My RaH was diagnosed with depression/bipolar upon while in detox/rehab and prescribed medicine for it. I know he takes his Seroquel faithfully as it helps him sleep. However, he has a problem taking the Wellbutrin. Thanks, I really hadn't attributed it to that.

Hi DestinyM. Thank you so much for posting this because I really needed to hear it! I also am stressing out very badly lately because of someone else's decisions and behaviors. Neither alcohol nor drugs is involved in what this person is doing, but it has me obsessing too, with racing heart and sick stomach, trying to figure out what the hell is going on and what is going to happen next. Waiting for the axe to fall.

I think I'm still reacting out of old patterns. I try to be in a relationship with someone (fill in 12 or so names here), and I don't like how they live their life because it hurts me and/or disturbs mine, so I do everything I know to try to create the environment I think that person needs. I try to figure out "what's wrong" with them and what they need to do to "fix" their problems or, worse yet, what I need to do to fix their problems. So that I can have some peace and a calm heart and a calm mind, and the relationship I want. Here's a list of things that have been "wrong" with guys I've tried to be in relationships with and what I did to fix them: His father beat him so I need to show him how much I love him and he will be better.. He's not in touch with his feelings so he needs to see a therapist. He drinks too much so he needs to go to AA. He does drugs so he needs to go to NA. He has Bi-Polar so he needs lithium. He's stressed because of his bills so let me pay them so he can be happy (fill in amounts here, $8,000 then $14,000 then $20,000 of my hard-earned savings). He's depressed so he needs an anti-depressant. He has ADHD so he needs to be evaluated and get put on the right stimulant or other medication. He lives in a bad environment so I need to provide him a place to stay. No one ever took care of him so I need to do his laundry. His previous GF/wife did not love him so I need to cook gourmet meals for him. His kids don't appreciate him so I need to show them how great of a guy he is. He has insomnia so he needs to see the doctor and get sleep medication. Honestly, I could go on and on and on. But I think everyone gets the picture.

At a certain point I realized there is nothing WRONG with any of them. This is just the way THEY have chosen to live their life. Whether or not I choose to have that kind of behavior in my life is up to me. Yes, this is very difficult to do I admit. But I cannot live someone's life for them. I cannot make someone else's choices for them. I can only do my very best to take the very best care of me as I can.

Hope my share here helps you somehow. I will add, yoga has been great for me and relieving and preventing anxiety. Maybe you can find a class local to you.