tryinghard67

First I want to say "hi" and I am so grateful to have found this site! I have been reading and reading and crying and crying and smiling and smiling for the past couple weeks.

What I need most right now is to hear from wives who stayed with their AH and how they survived the early recovery period. My AH of 20 years has admitted he is an alcoholic and has gotten help. Has been to an AA meeting every day (until the past 6 days). He relapsed at day 20 for a day, stayed sober for the next 3, found a sponsor, then had a 4 day binge! He stopped going to AA, sponsor is not calling for some reason. The last time he talked to him was Thursday. He said he told him everything he wanted to hear so maybe that is why he hasn't called. I know the sponsor is not responsible for AH's actions, but I would think he would at least call if he hasn't heard from AH in 3 days and AH hasn't been at the meetings.

I don't want to leave him. I love him! I am so proud of him for admitting he has a problem and for getting help! I understand there are going to be bumps in the road. I know there isn't an answer to "will this be the last relapse". I just need to hear some positive words of encouragement from wives who have been through this and didn't lose their self-worth during the process. I just don't know how to act. In 6 long days I have gone from compassion, to extreme anger, to now just "existing" until he is ready to talk. I try some "conversation starters" but he answers the question and then we go our separate ways in the house. He has cried, he has apologized, he has said he is going to call a psychologist on Monday because he knows he can't do this on his own. He has lots of "demons" that I believe trigger him to drink. He has no family.....he has no real friends.....he admits that the kids and I are all he has. Knowing this, I think, is the only reason I have stayed with him for as long as I have. This is the only life I know. I have friends, I have my job, I have my kids. I don't "live for him", but I guess in a way I do.

I have been going to Al Anon and will continue to go for ME, but I find it hard to talk at the meetings. As soon as I think I have the strength to open my mouth, someone else starts talking lol and then I lose my nerve.

Thank you so much for a wonderful forum and support group where I feel comfortable "talking".

sugarbear1

It's up to your husband to call the sponsor. your husband must be willing to get help, no one will push it on him. We don't stop working with our sponsors when we are serious about staying stopped. It is a life-long journey in sobriety and we have to work harder for it than we did when drinking. Your hubby said he told the sponsor everything the sponsor needed to hear? What?! The sponsor needs to hear nothing but the truth and your husband needs to be serious about getting well and staying stopped. It's not a one time event, it's on-going.

If you are in Al Anon, you need to find your own sponsor and work your steps. The meetings help, but we don't need to spill our stuff there, we do need to talk with a sponsor and get our own help. It would help you to focus on you right now.

I have compassion and empathy for where you are. Stay strong, give time time.
I wish you well.
Hugs,

Seren

Hello tryinghard67, Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry that you are disappointed in your husband's sponsor. Although I am not a recovering alcoholic in AA so I don't know, my understanding is that it really is not the sponsor's job to babysit and handhold your husband into sobriety. Your husband has got to want sobriety with everything he has, and it will be his lifelong job to maintain it. It's almost like the continual maintenance required of a chronic illness.

I do wish you and your husband the best of luck as you move forward. It is possible to be happy again regardless of whether the alcoholics in our lives are drinking. Please make yourself comfortable, read all you can! Welcome, again!

Impurrfect

(((tryinghard))) - Welcome to SR, but sorry for what has brought you here. I'm both an RA (recovering addict/alcoholic) as well as a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are still active in their addiction.

I agree with the above..it's not the sponsor's job to babysit their sponsees. I did AA for a while, no longer do it, but I still use what I was tought there.

My recovery is my job. It's not up to someone else to check on me, make sure I'm doing the right stuff. I have to prove I want recovery. SR is my main source of support (5+ years into recovery). Do I come here when I'm struggling and want to pick up, or do I wait until I've relapsed and THEN ask for help.

I'm working two recoveries...addiction and codependency. I live with a stepmom who is an active A (addict/alcoholic). I've had to accept that I didn't cause her addiction and I can't cure it and I certainly can't control it. It's hard, I know addiction inside and out, but she is not ready to hear me.

This forum has been a Godsend to me. I've learned to let my stepmom and others do what they are going to do, without feeling bad that I can't fix it. I hope you find the same ES&H (experience, strength and hope) that I have.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

KerBearz

Hi Tryinghard 67 - First of all, I want to say Welcome to SR!

I am one of those wives that stayed with my AH... and I really, really, REALLY wish that I could tell you some wonderful story about my husbands recovery. I am going to be honest with you instead. Your post really takes me back to a time when I was proud of my husband and I loved him so much and the kids and I are all he has. My husband has been in and out of so many treatment centers and gone to AA for a while and then stopped that I no longer have any HOPE that he'll change.

One mistake that I made early on (and I made many) was trying to be involved in his recovery. I hear a little of that in your post - you know when he went to his last meeting and when he last talked with his sponsor. You know when he took his last drink, etc. I totally understand how and why you know these things, but your husband's recovery needs to be HIS recovery. Your recovery needs to be your recovery.

Although my AH has been up and down with his disease/recovery - my climb has been slow and steady and strong! To stay sane, I attended Al-Anon - I read all the Al-Anon literature I could find - I found a sponsor and worked the 12 steps. I go to church and read the Bible and I pray. I found SR and this has helped a lot. Basically, I got off the roller coaster that I was riding with my AH. It has NOT been easy! It has not been fun either, but I am worth the effort.

I'm pretty sure my marriage will end - I really don't care anymore. In the end, my feelings for him are really dead. I don't care if he drinks, I don't care if he doesn't, I don't care if he's home and I prefer when he isn't. So, it's not really a happily ever after story for US, but I know it will be for ME.

I'm sorry - I wish I had more encouragement for you.
~KerBearz

Sanity2012

I am learning in Al-Anon that listening is ok too. As with your AH, most of the time admitting we don't know what to say or do is a huge step. I have walked your same path very recently. You are not alone here and there are so many that will share their journey I hope it helps you as it is helping me. Take care of YOURSELF!!

EmmyG

Wow, that was a great post. Thank you. That's where I'm striving to be, off the roller coaster and my feelings to be dead. What you said about a happy ending for YOU being a certainty really hit home for me. We can't control them, but we can turn that worry and care toward ourselves.

FireSprite

Thank you for this - I struggle against my control issues to stay inactive in his recovery in this capacity. It can be difficult sometimes even though I recognize that it benefits both of us having this detachment of sorts. It's nice to hear it put so simply & perfectly.

TryingHard, I have no great advice except what you already have heard & know. If he's determined to drink, there's not much you can do to change his course. IMO he has to want to change for it to be effective but you can take time for yourself regardless. The early days were horrible to me so I had to work on detachment right away. It was very painful. (((HUGS)))

Pelican

Perhaps the sponsor asked him if he was done with drinking, and your AH told him he wasn't done. That would end the topic of recovery.

I hope you will continue to post and share here as much as you need.
We are here to support you!

choublak

In other words, he told the sponsor everything he thought this sponsor wanted to hear. Sponsors, like most alcoholics well into recovery, are wise to such "tricks". I'm guessing he saw through it and knew not to waste any more time.

tryinghard67

Thanks for all the responses! Everything I read here was everything I heard last night at my Al Anon meeting. The topic last night was "Courage to Change". How appropriate was that!!! I didn't share during the meeting but I found someone to talk to afterwards. I came home with alot on my mind and a pamphlet on Detachment.

I have a whole lot to learn......and a whole lot of changing to do. I am ready to do it for ME. I was told to continue to listen when he wants to talk but not to offer suggestions. I was told it was all up to him. I guess I knew this but wasn't ready to let go of his hand just yet.

As of now he is at his AA meeting and back on track. If it continues....GREAT....if not I WILL NOT let it affect me the way it did last time. Live and learn.....I guess I wanted it more than he did!

Thanks for all the support!