Helping Elders Who Have Dementia and Alcoholism

Old 06-10-2012, 08:41 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 8
Helping Elders Who Have Dementia and Alcoholism

There are probably many people out there who struggle on a daily basis like my husband and I do with helping a troubled parent. If you are, I'd like to hear about your story. Here are a few details about my situation:

My Mother-In-Law was a capable, sophisticated, successful woman before she retired. Since retiring, however, she has descended into addiction and illness. She is now in her mid-seventies. We did not associate her decline with alcohol until she reached a crisis with her health and doctors started telling us that it was clear she was a heavy drinker and had been for a long time. It turns out she has been drinking alone and hiding it for many years.

One of her health issues is dementia. Her memory is pretty bad these days. We wonder if she turned to alcohol more after realizing that her memory was slipping. We will never know, though, because she can't or won't tell us. Unfortunately she is not married and does not have any friends that she feels comfortable confiding in. Her Son and I are trying every day to help her, but she resists us and we feel like we are failing. her dementia is mild enough that she still qualifies as a responsible adult. Sadly, she is constantly drinking, which makes her dementia worse.

We struggle with feeling like we are obligated to keep trying to get her to face her problem with alcohol because it is literally her only chance of stabilizing her health at all. But any conversation about alcohol makes her furious and chips away at our fragile relationship.

Thanks for listening!
rosiev is offline  
Old 06-10-2012, 09:28 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome rosie. What immediately comes to my mind are the "three C's" we talk about a lot in this forum:
* we didn't cause them to drink
*We can't control it
*We can't cure it

And if she is anything like my parents are as they hit their early 70's; they damn sure aren't listening to anyone else's criticism of their choices.

Is she hurting anyone else - bothering the neighbors, driving intoxicated, being inappropriate with the family in any way? If not, and she is just quietly living out her remaining years with alcohol as her crutch, then I am not sure you even have any kind of valid argument, short of the "health status" one.

I had a work scenario similar to yours, and here is how we handled it. The family hired personal care attendants to come in 3x a day, morning for an hour, lunch for an hour, and later dinner time for an hour. They were "hired" for mainly food prep and housekeeping, which the client was thrilled to have, but we all knew she was a heavy drinker, and they were there to monitor safety, as well. Make sure she ate, took her meds, had good daily hygiene, and hadn't burned the house down over night. It worked until she died, and she died doing what she wanted to do in her own house. To me, that was as dignified as we could make her life be.

So I guess my question back to you would be why do you feel obligated to point out someone's dirty laundry, especially if you have once and it was met with hostility? Wouldn't it be easier to work around this instead - doing the things you need to do to keep her safe instead of trying to force her into something she has made clear she is not ready to face?

I know this is hard...take good care!
~T
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 06-10-2012, 10:46 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 8
That Makes Complete Sense!

Thank you Tuffgirl! That all makes complete sense.

Mother-In-Law does drive while impaired. She drives to the store in the morning to buy wine, and typically goes out again in the late afternoon when she runs out. We aren't sure what to do about that situation.

I'm going to do my best to embrace what you said. I can see immediately that my husband and I can benefit from it. Thanks again!
rosiev is offline  
Old 06-10-2012, 12:10 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
I think that if she has dementia, her chances of facing her problem with alcohol are very slim. My bf's maternal non-alcoholic grandmother has dementia and she puts a lot of effort into trying to prove to everybody around her that she's perfectly healthy, even though in reality she lives in an assisted living facility and needs help getting dressed every morning.
choublak is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:38 PM.