Anon12

I am conscious that when I respond to other people's threads, I find it much easier to give advice that I sometimes struggle to take myself in low moments.

I am one week on from when XABF moved out and although the first few days were unbelievably painful, I kept myself busy and I got through ok and began to feel better and feel the relief of not having to worry about whether he was drinking.

I received a couple of texts from my X in the first few days - the first telling me how great I was, how much he'd miss me, how much he loved me and how sorry he was for what had happened and I deserved more and wishing me the best and then an update on his new address which I needed as we have a few practical/financial things we need to finalise which makes absolute NC a bit tricky initially. I replied to the first one to thank him but focused more on the practical financial stuff rather than engaging in any loving message. He knows how I feel.

He then sent me another message on similar lines and I ignored it. I had told him when we parted I only wanted minimal contact, just on the practical stuff. He then sent me a random one asking if I needed hangers??! AGain, I ignored it and then just asked him to let me know when he'd heard from his gym as he is meant to be transferring his gym membership into my name that requires me to sign something.

That was Wednesday and since then I've heard nothing - this is so stupid but I have this feeling now that he has just moved on, or maybe he is drinking. I don't know. This is what I asked for and I was feeling better but this has set me back - I feel like the end of our relationship, the six years we had together, can't have meant much if he can just switch off. It's like he's said his piece and now he's on with his new single life, probably enjoying his bachelor pad and convincing himself 'we' made the best decision.

I have to email him about some financial stuff around closing our joint account and getting his signature on some documents so I guess I will find out but I wish I could stop my imagination running wild.

I'm seeing a counsellor and she's been a great help - I had told my XABF I would send an email to him after he moved out with links to various books or forums etc. to help with alcoholism. Once my counsellor and I had discussed it, I realised how I was just doing my codie bit from a distance, instead of in the same flat! Crazy. So I won't be sending him an links and keeping it to practical stuff but finding it so hard. Six years and it feels like it never happened.

LifeRecovery

I struggled with this for some time after my ex-husband and I split up.

Working my recovery helped, but it did not happen overnight. Therapy was a huge help, from healing from the ending of that relationship, but also hopefully in other relationships down the road.

Learning about the stages of grief was really helpful to me during this time. Also learning about addiction really helped (even when I was not living with active addiction anymore). It helped fill in some big gaps for me about why I was doing what I was doing, and feeling what I was feeling.

fourmaggie

sorry you are going through this...but trust me, i does get easier...

find a NEW NORMAL...

walking, going for coffee alone or with a friend you have not seen in a long time, borrow movies from the library.....READ...READ and READ some more....thats what got me through alot...Co dependent no more and others helped me alot to see what I was doing....

I went to alot of AL ANON meetings during the break up for me...3-4xs a week...i needed them desparately...

RedCandle

Anon! I went through the same thing.

He was a SAINT after I moved out. Loving emails and texts, presents, nice dinners...you name it.

When I put up ANY kind of boundary...he disappeared...and I would go crazy. I KNEW how to handle our drama...I did NOT know how to handle SILENCE.

I wish I had had a counselor...you are already 100 steps ahead of where I was!

More experienced members I'm sure will chime in...

But the only wish-I-woudda that I can share is....I wish I had read the book "Getting Them Sober" back then. I read it recently and it completely changed my entire perspective....

Pelican

(Nodding head in agreement) I can relate to what you are feeling right now.

I had the benefit of help from a friend who works as a Social Worker counseling women. I described these feelings of isolation, abandonment and loss to her and wanted to know how to stop the cycle from continuing to consume my thoughts. She offered this exercise to help me:

Imagine a situation that physically prevents your X from contacting you. Something like one of these situations:
1- X has been in a accident and is in a coma at the local hospital. (therefore unable to make any contact)
2- X is locked up in jail because of possession of personal property belonging to a crime victim. (therefore unable to make contact)
Now play the tape forward on either/both of those situations. What is within your power to change? What can you control in those situations?

I realized I would be powerless to change/fix/cure anything in both those situations. The only thing I could do was say a prayer for the X and do the next right thing for myself in that moment.

I think you are going to be okay. You are going through the process, and you will be okay.

Sending you encouragement as you coninue one day at a time.

Buffalo66

When I thought my A was in peril, he was usually just finding other situations that suited his drinking habits. Now, in sobriety, when I don't hear from him, he is usually plotting his next grand power play or gesture.

More will be revealed

Anon12

THank you Pelican - that really helped.

Thank you all for supportive comments. Ironically as soon as I had to contact him about practical stuff, he texted back so I know he's alive and respecting my NC. I think the most difficult thing I'm struggling with is I know he thinks he can do this himself. Even without alcohol, he doesn't like to ask for help which can be painful to everyone else around him. I know as soon as he was on his own he probably went out and got a bottle of wine to have at his new pad, no one to watch him or stop him. I guess I have to stop worrying about him now.

I've had a strange weekend, feeling sad but rearranging my flat so it looks like a different place to the one we shared.

Thank you for all the advice and tips - I've read Getting Them Sober, Codependent No More and Under the Influence. I don't know what else to read as I feel if I read more about addiction, I'm still focusing on him but I will read about the stages of grief so I'm prepared for them.

NYCDoglvr

This is the addiction part. It's hard for all of us and I admire the hard work you've put into it. All I can say is it will pass. He won't be living in your head rent-free forever. Perhaps shifting your thinking about the positive aspects in your relationship to the reality of living with an alcoholic?

Anon12

I have written a list of positive outcomes of me ending it and negative outcomes if we had stayed together. I retread it tonight and refocused on what I won't miss which helped a bit. Thank you.

Anon12

Arrrgh. Sucked back in. XABF texts to tell me he has had a car accident but he's ok. Apparently front/back tyre blow out and he's had to make a claim on insurance. He hopes I'm ok and to take care.

I have been getting legal advice re: ownership of car and ensuring my liability is protected so had emailed him yesterday about meeting up to discuss car loan (it's in my name, he pays it) but he's not got internet at home yet. So, I reply to the text. I tell him thanks for letting me know and has he read my email yet, could he check it and come back to me about when he can meet. No reply. Then felt bad that I had maybe been too cold about him having an accident so texted again to say I'm glad he is ok. Now, no reply and I'm annoyed at myself for showing I care.

gerryP

Anon you are still very enmeshed with your EX. Why don't you agree on a day and time where you can both meet and get all your banking and car business and whatever other business you still have to separate. If he is your EX, then there really shouldn't be anything shared. Get it tied up and start living your life my dear. Since the split, you are still in a relationship with him. No more excuses and "reasons" for why you still have to communicate and meet up. You sound surprised that he's not behaving the way you think he should.

Anon12

I have got all the paperwork together for anything left between us and suggested meeting this weekend on neutral ground but not heard back. I should have just left it but I tried to force the issue (more codie from distance) which has just made me feel more stressed. I know once it is sorted, I will feel better as there will be no excuses to meet up and just need to switch off until then.

gerryP

What about arranging to meet after work during the week, between 5:30 and 6:30 for example. That way you can get everything tied up in short order since it's "practical business stuff" and get home. Meeting over the weekend sounds a little bit of a potential opener.

Anon12

Unfortunately we work and live in locations about an hour apart so meeting after work isn't practical for either of us, although it is good that we are not on eachother's doorsteps. I don't want him to come to our flat so I have suggested meeting up in a public place near him as my mother lives nearby so he knows I will be meeting her afterwards and keeps it to the point and more importantly, I can leave when I want.

DefofLov

I just want to send you

I am sure you are fully aware, but like gerryp, I wanted to point out that you are more focused on him than on yourself. You are still doing super awesome, but remember that you no longer have to worry. He can handle his life and if he can't, it's up to him to deal with it. You are free now.

Hope you two get everything straightened out ASAP so you can go fully NC soon. Then you can really dive into yourself and recreate your life.

Love,

Lily