FireSprite

I don't know - how do you define 'success story'? My husband is 10 months sober, but I'm not holding a parade or planning a vow renewal or anything. Truth is there are days where we both wonder if we're strong enough to survive all the battle wounds & whether he's strong enough to handle long-term sobriety.

I do agree that there would be absolutely NO chance for success without (IMHO):


1. The A actively & willingly seeking therapy/a program that works for them. If he was doing it *for* me or *because* of me or anything for that matter, it would never stick. He would never have taken accountability otherwise.

2. BOTH of us working on ourselves individually & having time to do it properly - I can't stress how important this is. Whenever I stop getting *my* time for whatever reasons, we fall completely out of balance again. It is just as important as it is for him to attend meetings. I need my time to identify & address my own hurts, issues, changes & methods of healing. Living with an A, even a currently sober one in recovery, is no piece of cake. He's still peeling through layers of emotional damage and getting to the core of what he's tried to drink away for years. And I'm more than a little impatient; I've been on this merry-go-round for too long already. I'm not trying to minimize his damage, I'm truly not. But none of it gave him the right to hurt me whether he meant to or not. It's hard to be collateral damage & not take it personally. I also see him taking great strides toward great changes in a LOT of ways...... but it's a LOT to fix & if he doesn't heal the cracks in the foundation now, it's only a matter of time before the house of cards comes tumbling down again. And if it does? I will be better prepared, I can promise you.... because I'm doing a lot of work on me.

3. Communicating even when it hurts - like, we still deal with the financial fallout he created in true A fashion, so we have to face this reality EVERY month when the bills arrive. I have to stomach looking at a mountain of debt he created without continually slamming it over his head & making him apologize YET AGAIN, & he has to put on his big-boy panties & help me work the numbers out even if it turns his stomach as much as mine. Accountability in action. And just like he has 'bad' days where he maybe needs an extra meeting or feels overwhelmed, so do I & he needs to be able to support me through that the way I do for him.

4. This is VERY recent - time together - we take at least one evening every other week even if all we can do is rent a Redbox movie & order a $5 pizza. We have to find small ways to stay connected & sort of rediscover each other. We probably started this at around the his 8 month-mark, he needed to get a LOT of meetings & talks with his sponser under his belt before we were in any position to be social together. (We still did family activities in his early sobriety because that was important for our DD & she has to come first in this equation, no debate. But that was really all we had time & I had patience for.)



It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life.

My father was a lifetime alcoholic/druggie, only finding true sobriety after a year in federal prison & finally realizing he had lost everything. My mother had left him twice before and their fights were enormously emotional & loud & horrible (but thankfully not physical).... I was one of those kids that laid awake listening & praying they would just. divorce. already!! But, he really did turn it around. My mother deserves a lot of credit for sticking it out & now I appreciate her journey more than ever. He was only sober 5 years before he passed suddenly at a young age, but in those 5 years they were SO unbelievably happy like teens in love all over again. I hold onto that image of hope but also realize that I have to walk MY path & figure out what is right for me.

I do love my husband very much, & it's been amazing seeing that parts of the true him are still there inside. If we hadn't had 12+ really, really, really wonderful years together & I didn't see him working as hard as me to fix things now, I'd never put all this effort into it. I don't know where we'll be next month or next year, but I know right now, today, we are moving in a positive direction for all of us.

djayr

What strikes me, is that I would have called myself a success story -- 5 different times -- every time AW got sober!

So 5 times in 10 years, I felt like a success story.

But eventually our marital train still derailed in a spectacular drunken display, imploding as she fell off the wagon, reaching new levels of unpredictable behavior.

The part I can relate to now, is the water under the bridge. Trust is shot. I am relieved to be apart from her. I went from success to failure to success to failure, etc., ending in what feels at the moment to be ultimate failure. Not too encouraging, sorry!

JellyBean123

Thank you very much. I don't often get reminded of what I have overcome in my life. But the truth is what is all of it when one day my kids will be gone and I will have no one to share my life with. I have only boys and one day they choose their own families and leave and I accept that. I cant be the co-dependent type of parent I despise when they become adults. My marriage means so much to me. I didn't make vows for now, I made them forever. Its just been a very recent battle for me that all of my hopes and dreams may not come true. When I am to old to work my dream job, my kids are grown, and so on, I will have nothing. That is a terrifying thought for me. And the idea that I broke down those walls that my ex had built for this. Its not like I ran out and married someone I barley knew. I married my best friend of 10 years. We were friends LONG before we started dating.
He has started many programs. Completing them and making a change seems to be the difficult part. And knowing what I should do that wont drive me insane.

JellyBean123

You suck! lol
But that is exactly how it feels. Success after success.

sofi

I met quite a few recovering alcoholics, at open AA meetings, all men, and all greatful that their wives stuck by them and literally pushed them to go to AA meetings. They all admitted loudly that had it not been for their wives, they would still be active alcoholics, or worse, dead.
I needed those success stories as well, to guide me in my relationship with my ABF.
The decision, however, is entirely yours.
Stay strong

marie1960

"But the truth is what is all of it when one day my kids will be gone and I will have no one to share my life with."

Jellybean, If we worry to much about the future, we miss out on the present, "Our today". Since we do not have a crystal ball to predict the future, best to make the most of today.

My children are also grown, and living on their own, hundreds of miles away from home. I am not married, I am 51, I am not alone, and I am not lonely. I am busy and involved in my own life now. After 30 years of raising kids, it feels wonderful not to have to be so responsible and structured.

For the first time, i eat when and what i want, I can pick up and just go, no need for babysitters, no need to rush home, it's a very liberating feeling. My youngest daughter recently interviewed for a job close to home, and she mentioned moving back in with me to save some money. Of course I was elated, and I agreed, but only after I explained she wasn't allowed to cramp my new lifestyle. I am no longer her cook, laundress, or housekeeper.

What I am saying is with age, our minds adapt, and adjust. Somehow it all takes care of itself. There is not a need to worry about being alone.

I always remember the saying.

"If you have one leg in the past, and one leg in the future, you have a real good chance of peeing on your today"

Do something nice for yourself today.
Hang in there, my friend.