zoomer

Gosh,after reading things people wrote, I just get to thinking. My husband does not go to bars, he works,only does the lotto,helps around the house,but his drinking bugs me. He bugs me! Gosh, I have been there with the kicking of the guys out,fighting and with this marrage I did not want to go through any of that,so I keep the peace. I'v talked to my husband so many times about his drinking, he stops for awhile, but it picks back up. He trys so hard not to let it effect him,his job, or spending time with the kids. But really, he gets lazy sits in front of the TV for hours a day when he is not working. He does what he has todo and thats it. Gosh, I had dreams when we got married of going places and doing fun things,then I thought it was because we had so many kids, that after they got older we would do things. He has no interest or imagionation and we are pretty much isolated. Gosh, I set things up like his playing Santa because it would be a good thing for my children and a ego boost for him not to mention the children who binifit from it,but if I did not,he would just sit and rot in front of the TV. This holiday season I was the one who (like always) got the presents, and planed. If it was up to him like his family, there would be an exchange of cash gifts with cards picked out at the last moment if any. I guess I get tired of always taking the lead in the day to day life and everything else. It's like being married to a stump and it strangles me at times. Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud. There are so many things I want to do and have to find the courage to do it. just thinking about changing things makes me tired. I took this french class not long ago and I'll be dammed if not every person in this house hold made it almost impossible for me to go,so i quit. Same with every other thing I try to do. Then my husband says when I want to try something eles "are you sure you can handle it". Now I question if it's really me and if I can handle trying to do something or if it's him messing with my head to keep me trapped here. Lots to think about anyway.

JT

Zoomer...we are sisters here! Ward drinks, goes to work, takes care of the cars, does what he HAS to do and beyond that he has no life. He sits in front of the TV, falls asleep by 8pm, naps half of the weekend away and makes messes.

I am grateful for what I have and don't get me wrong, he does some very kind things for me. He loves me to death, is faithful and as honest as anyone could expect. He is a good provider, handles all the money...and does so very well. But his lack of life alternately concerns me and strangles me.

I have become expert at doing my thing. I golf, bowl, bunco, have friends, a job, come here, work out. When I experienced a death (I think you remember) and went through depression all I did was lay around. It scared me, but I think he liked it. It took the pressure off him.

I am not angry with him but like you I get tired of always being in the lead. When we do something it is like I am dragging him...unless it involves sports (yes, he thinks I need to take interest in his one interest).

His drinking, while not causing massive blow-ups is costing him his life. Or maybe it is just him. He doesn't take care of his health either and I am big on that. First, I work in a medical office, and second, I want my life to be full for as long as I can.

What to do?? I am lost here too. I lead a full life and don't let him hold me back. If I left I would still be partnerless and doing the same things I am doing now. I might be more active or social without him...who knows.

I am glad you posted this Zoomer! This has been rolling around upstairs without words. You gave it words.

Hugs,
JT

Chalkie

...and I thought I was the only one. I haven't lived in w/my A b/f, so his disease wasn't affecting me or our relationship...until he entered rehab. I wasn't feeling comfy at Al-Anon meetings and to an extent, here, because I didn't have a falling down drunk who was abusive, spent all our money, was unreliable, etc. like so many others that I've heard and read about.

The life the 2 of you describe above I DID have...for 20 years, w/a non-A H....and in that 20th year is when I did decide to live for me as well as our kids is when he woke up. He didn't like me being so independent (that's what he liked about me when we met), it was supposed to be all about him first, the kids second...there wasn't any time left for me. But, he knew he already lost me and in trying to 'keep' me, he 'allowed' me to live my own life. Yup, sometimes it got difficult, or uncomfortable, because the groveling got to be too much, yet I didn't want to inflict any more hurt onto him. I wasn't looking for revenge for the past (as he seems to think), I was just "done"!

So, the point of my blabbering is that it can happen in any relationship, whether or not we're dealing with an alcoholic. I guess the difference right now between me and the 2 of you is that I don't love my ex-H and I do love my A b/f, and hopefully w/his recovery (and mine), we can have a functional life, together.

zoomer

TY JT,honestly gee you put words to what I was feeling. I think back before we were married and I had a social life! I had many friends, went places and looked forward to discovering new things. O it was not perfect and I was very poor and like most, looking for a life partner,but I had me. Anyrate, I'm back on my antidepressents because this has been getting me down. I'm waiting for them to kick in so I can be more productive and not so overwhelmed. I have the house,the lifestyle that I thought I wanted,but it's empty. Thanks again JT And ya I hate the sports addiction on TV.

zoomer

LOL Chalky, I wish I knew what all those letters stood for! I have to get myself all straitned out before I can make any dissions if any about leaving or what not. I was giving myself a year after my mother died to think about what to do. I know I need to make changes,but I need to go slow. TY for responding, its nice to know I'm not alone.

Chalkie

sometimes I sit here and try to figure out the individual letters too, guess I picked up on some of them.

I use the term A for alcoholic, b/f is my boyfriend and ex-H is my ex-husband but no, you're still not alone.

In fact, alot of what I have learned here in this forum and in Al-Anon has actually helped me in separating from all the crud I built up from the 20 years w/my ex-H. So, in learning to overcome that nonsense, I'm also learning how better myself for me, so that I can be a strong, productive individual as well as grow into a healthy and productive relationship with my b/f.

zoomer

Hi again, I thought I was good at seprating the crud being "O'well what can you do",but I think I want a little bit more out of life than saying "O'well". That's whats been bothering me for a long time... Making a mistake and living with it kind of eats away at a person for many years or maybe thinking not nessasarily a mistake,but things are just not right no matter how hard you try and sweep it under the carpet. I get to thinking too that maybe I'm making too much out this and it's just one of "my spells" as we call them between my husband and I. Then I get a little pissed that "why is it one of my spells or hormones that we can blame this on". O' he gets his hang dog thing going when I "blow up",but it don't last very long. It's not that I want him to feel ashamed I tell him, I want you to change and stop trying to make me feel sorry for you for feeling bad about yourself. So anyway, for the most part I just don't care much any more or say much. There is no point really and I guess that makes me sad and feeling stuck.

Gabe

This line from your post hit me the most:
"He has no interest or imagination."
I wonder how many relationships hit the skids because one of the partners has become a boring TV junkie with nothing left to offer the relationship except their physical presence in the house? I wonder how many people actually stop and think about what they bring into their relationships with their loved ones?
I wonder about a lot of things.
Peace,
Gabe

zoomer

Gosh, Gabe I did talk to this shink once and he said borning is better than what you did have. I'v always kept that in mind being is borning the same as stable? LOL, sometimes he talks and it's like the same stuff he always talks about from long ago and my brain kind of clouds over. I get irritated too thinking do I really want to hear any of this again??? So again I repete to myself what the shrink said, "this is better than what i did have",but it's not working too much right now. Gosh, I should get off my butt and go do some mindless shopping to get out of the house. Actually, i do need to get some things, but sometimes I just wonder around just to take my mind off things and to get some exersize. I can "mall walk" for hours LOL!!!

JT

Hi,

This is an interesting time for me. I recently put the Beav where he belongs. I have let him go in a way I never have before. No guilt, no regret. My life is peaceful.

So I have to be very very cautious here. I am a woman who lives with crisis. That is who I am and I m not above creating one. Looking at what is wrong with the people around me and trying to fix them is as natural for me as breathing.

In response to what I am feeling I am going to look inside...again. I am going to practice gratitude. It has served me well before. Ward's and my relationship is always changing, we have both grown alot together.

I chose a long time ago to be married one day at a time. Besides...what would I do if all of a sudden he stayed awake past 8 and wanted to take charge? I have to be careful what I wish for!

Hugs,
JT

zoomer

LOL JT! I guess it's about choice too sometimes. I cannot force myself to be greatful at the moment,but I will at some point and that is what is great about being me. I'm glad you brought it up about things being as natural as breathing and about creating disfuction as well. Although, my hubby needs to cut back on his beer because he is getting very plump and it does bug me a lot when he can down so much at one time. It's just so unappealing seeing a big old guy sitting or laying on a couch with half himself hanging off, slugging down the beer,belching,farting and scrating him self. Then on the other hand it gives me time to read and play on the computer. Thanks for being honest.

JT

Zoomer...my point exactly. What if he was awake and perky and wanted to play scrabble?? That's where I am...I am not always happy with what is but it gives me time to do what I want.

I guess I have adjusted.
Hugs,
JT

Annie

It was nice to hear I am not alone. Hubby works very hard at work & home. Of course at home it is either on the vehicles or yard. Its rare for me to get any help from him inside the house. I am grateful for what he does, but he often uses it to hide his drinking. He'll be out in the yard in warm weather & working on the vehicles in the garage during the cool weather. We often eat dinner very late because he can't stop working on whatever it is he's working on. It's kind of like he has blinders on, he will work his tail off on fixing the car or mower, yet he has absolutely no work ambition. He has a steady job & has been there several years, but he goes on and on about how unhappy he is there, yet he makes no move to get out. Thanks for being there & letting me vent!