I'm a wreck...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by EmmyG 
Thanks, because sarcasm is exactly what I need right now. I've been living away from him for a month now, and working my behind off every day and taking care of my two children. He is paranoid and possibly psychotic, so I'm sorry for not being able to completely pretend he doesn't exist. This is a person who runs his own business and manages to keep himself together 90% of the time. I'm sorry for not wanting him to die, or caring that he might.
Thinking of you and hoping things are better for you today. Try to do something enjoyable outside if the weather is nice where you are.
My E,S and H for you is that your courage in being able to completely go NC and isolate him from exposing you and your children from clearly unacceptable behavior will be lifesaving for you and possibly for him.
Allowing him to suck you into the vortex of the insanity of dealing with active alcoholism is not helping either of you... don't go down with the ship.
There is absolutely no sense in exposing yourself to counseling with an active A and I strongly question the expertise of a counselor who would even involve themselves in such an expensive massive waste of time, energy and money.
Find your own counselor... find a good one! One who knows addiction and codependency. Find a good alanon meeting. Read, read, read.
My XA is in recovery and a program after a 3 month binge. I am thrilled for him but he is NOT back in my life. I am loving him from afar and am HAPPY... and I know that my God, my HP took care of him when he was in serious danger to himself. 3 months of blackout drinking to toxic levels in Las Vegas!
He says Jesus picked him up on a Greyhound bus! Seriously ... that message is on my phone. Turns out it was a very well known actor who plays Jesus on television whom had prayed with us after an Easter play 2 years ago 2500 miles away from Las Vegas. "Jesus" had never been to Vegas before and was ministering in a church there. My A recocnized him and "Jesus' prayed with my A and "Jesus" gave him a phone number if he decided to quit drinking and wanted help.
My XA stayed in touch with him drunk as a skunk but one day said he was ready to quit drinking and "Jesus" got a bus ticket out of Vegas and he is now in a one year residential recovery program.
When we turn our A's over to HP we have to trust that our HP can handle reaching our A when they are ready to be reached. In my codieness I always believed that ONLY I could save my XA!!!!
In reality I was crippling him. I was helicoptering and keeping him sober but HE WAS NOT IN TRUE RECOVERY! He didn't need to be. I was keeping his life on track and all he had to do was was white knuckle abstinence.
I let go and let God and I was certain he was going to die! And he could have but his HP had another plan... and sent "Jesus" on a Greyhound bus and in a moment of eternity my XA met someone sent by his HP at the RIGHT MOMENT and now my XA's life is changed!
He is now 2500 miles from me and he is forging his own recovery! How cool is that????
This is the first time on the board I have shared this crazy story but I know you are worried about your A and that you have to keep the lifeline or something bad will happen... but only our HP can control what good or bad happens!
Release him to find himself and his recovery... it is his responsibility. Find your recovery! I did! I am so happy now.
and my XA??? He is POSITIVE that he is going to become my knight in shining armor and once he graduates and I am going to swoon and fall into his arms! That is his hope and I am not feeding it...not buying it... but he believes that his HP will make it happen for him.
Trust me ... that will be a miracle! A HUGE miracle! And... this is from a girl who was just as emeshed... just as upset... as you. I am free... you can be too.
Thats my E,S and H for you. Believe it. Just do it. Take care of you and those sweet kids and trust God to take care of the A.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Originally Posted by EmmyG
I'm sorry for not wanting him to die, or caring that he might.
I can relate to your post and have been in similar situations with people that I love and care about. My father was an alcoholic, I dated a lot of dysfunctional boys/men, and members of my extended family struggle with various things.
For me, detaching didn't mean that I wanted someone to die or that I no longer cared about them. It meant that I got to a place where I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change the situation. I am not that powerful. In some cases, me staying in the relationship was actually making it worse for both of us.
It is possible to detach with love, to still have hope and want the very best for your loved one but realize that you need to take care of yourself (and your children) too. You need to give the addict the dignity to take responsibility for themselves and let them figure out what they need to do to with their life.
Early in my recovery when I felt crazy, obsessed, and pulled into the drama of other's people's lives, I would picture all of us in a turbulent ocean with one life raft. I had the choice of getting pulled into the water with everyone else or I could get into the life raft and start rowing to safety. The boat would be there if/when they decided to get on board. It's very important to get your children in the boat or they will continue to repeat this cycle!
The possibility of a mental illness does cloud the issue a bit. My brother is not an addict but struggles with a mental illness which I think was exasperated by growing up in an alcoholic home. I had the hardest time detaching from him. However, unless someone is in danger of harming themselves or others and needs to be committed you just can't force them see a psychiatrist or to take medication. Again, it a dignity thing. Seeing the movie "The Soloist" with Robert Downy Jr. really brought this message home for me. You just can't force people to live the life that you want them to.
Meetings, therapy, and participating in groups like this (even when I got frustrated with other members :-) helped me through the more difficult times in my life.
Sending you strength and hope.
Hugs,
db
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by dbh
Dear Emmy:
I can relate to your post and have been in similar situations with people that I love and care about. My father was an alcoholic, I dated a lot of dysfunctional boys/men, and members of my extended family struggle with various things.
For me, detaching didn't mean that I wanted someone to die or that I no longer cared about them. It meant that I got to a place where I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change the situation. I am not that powerful. In some cases, me staying in the relationship was actually making it worse for both of us.
It is possible to detach with love, to still have hope and want the very best for your loved one but realize that you need to take care of yourself (and your children) too. You need to give the addict the dignity to take responsibility for themselves and let them figure out what they need to do to with their life.
Early in my recovery when I felt crazy, obsessed, and pulled into the drama of other's people's lives, I would picture all of us in a turbulent ocean with one life raft. I had the choice of getting pulled into the water with everyone else or I could get into the life raft and start rowing to safety. The boat would be there if/when they decided to get on board. It's very important to get your children in the boat or they will continue to repeat this cycle!
The possibility of a mental illness does cloud the issue a bit. My brother is not an addict but struggles with a mental illness which I think was exasperated by growing up in an alcoholic home. I had the hardest time detaching from him. However, unless someone is in danger of harming themselves or others and needs to be committed you just can't force them see a psychiatrist or to take medication. Again, it a dignity thing. Seeing the movie "The Soloist" with Robert Downy Jr. really brought this message home for me. You just can't force people to live the life that you want them to.
Meetings, therapy, and participating in groups like this (even when I got frustrated with other members :-) helped me through the more difficult times in my life.
Sending you strength and hope.
Hugs,
db
I can relate to your post and have been in similar situations with people that I love and care about. My father was an alcoholic, I dated a lot of dysfunctional boys/men, and members of my extended family struggle with various things.
For me, detaching didn't mean that I wanted someone to die or that I no longer cared about them. It meant that I got to a place where I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change the situation. I am not that powerful. In some cases, me staying in the relationship was actually making it worse for both of us.
It is possible to detach with love, to still have hope and want the very best for your loved one but realize that you need to take care of yourself (and your children) too. You need to give the addict the dignity to take responsibility for themselves and let them figure out what they need to do to with their life.
Early in my recovery when I felt crazy, obsessed, and pulled into the drama of other's people's lives, I would picture all of us in a turbulent ocean with one life raft. I had the choice of getting pulled into the water with everyone else or I could get into the life raft and start rowing to safety. The boat would be there if/when they decided to get on board. It's very important to get your children in the boat or they will continue to repeat this cycle!
The possibility of a mental illness does cloud the issue a bit. My brother is not an addict but struggles with a mental illness which I think was exasperated by growing up in an alcoholic home. I had the hardest time detaching from him. However, unless someone is in danger of harming themselves or others and needs to be committed you just can't force them see a psychiatrist or to take medication. Again, it a dignity thing. Seeing the movie "The Soloist" with Robert Downy Jr. really brought this message home for me. You just can't force people to live the life that you want them to.
Meetings, therapy, and participating in groups like this (even when I got frustrated with other members :-) helped me through the more difficult times in my life.
Sending you strength and hope.
Hugs,
db
This all happened because I stopped helicoptering and left his choices and life decisions up to him and as expected it went to hell in a handbasket in a hurry... but who wants to spend their entire life with all their fingers plugging the holes in the dike and helicoptering an untreated active and extemely difficult alcoholic?
4 years was enough misery to last 10 iifetimes and I was in the WAY of his recovery. I am more than willing to admit my codieness was in its own way selfish because it fed my addiction and I chose not to listen to others with more experience, stength and hope.
This forum was a life saver for me... that is why I post my story. To keep what you have you give it away.
If one sad, frightened, anxious person reads my posts and finds the strength to make the hard choices and find their way out of an impossible situation with a loved one who is not treating their addiction it is worth hundreds of hours of my time and energy.
My prayers are with you all who are still struggling to find your way out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Emmyg
I can so relate to not needing sarcasm when you are in these terrible moments!
I have had similar experiences on SR, with people acting so above caring bout why happens.
I think it is supposed to be well meaning, but it is not helpful.
Someone saying, "and this is your problem, because..."
Is not ESH!
I have made the choice to keep posting in spite of it, since there are so many who are compassionate and helpful with patience and care.
Hope works is saying truth, here...
With that said, I have to agree that turning your phone off is the best thing.
When my RAH was in this similar state, it became a mtter of sink or swim.
He is drowning, and he will take you down. And your kids need you. YOU need you.
The truth is, when I made that choice to disengage, and simply pray for him, and he went nuts, and it lasted for a while, that was what brought him closer to his bottom.
No need for you to go to his bottom, too.
He will do these things whether or not you are pulling your hair out in anxiety or not.
He was arrested by himself, because of himself, and you know this.
Taking yourself out of his equation for now is the best thing for you, your kids, and him. Because he only has himself to grapple with, and hyoid absence causes his disease to come to the forefront, without a scapegoat, without being able to blame you.
Will he still blame you? Sure. But you will have retained your sanity in the meantime.
My RAH is still nuts, and I still turn the phone off sometimes. And believe me I was where you are, thinking I would never be that detached...but I did it. And he is doing what he does, and I am still over here parenting, living, finding small joys.
It does get easier. Just know that. Please try to be strong.
I hope you are well and the kids are too.
I can so relate to not needing sarcasm when you are in these terrible moments!
I have had similar experiences on SR, with people acting so above caring bout why happens.
I think it is supposed to be well meaning, but it is not helpful.
Someone saying, "and this is your problem, because..."
Is not ESH!
I have made the choice to keep posting in spite of it, since there are so many who are compassionate and helpful with patience and care.
Hope works is saying truth, here...
With that said, I have to agree that turning your phone off is the best thing.
When my RAH was in this similar state, it became a mtter of sink or swim.
He is drowning, and he will take you down. And your kids need you. YOU need you.
The truth is, when I made that choice to disengage, and simply pray for him, and he went nuts, and it lasted for a while, that was what brought him closer to his bottom.
No need for you to go to his bottom, too.
He will do these things whether or not you are pulling your hair out in anxiety or not.
He was arrested by himself, because of himself, and you know this.
Taking yourself out of his equation for now is the best thing for you, your kids, and him. Because he only has himself to grapple with, and hyoid absence causes his disease to come to the forefront, without a scapegoat, without being able to blame you.
Will he still blame you? Sure. But you will have retained your sanity in the meantime.
My RAH is still nuts, and I still turn the phone off sometimes. And believe me I was where you are, thinking I would never be that detached...but I did it. And he is doing what he does, and I am still over here parenting, living, finding small joys.
It does get easier. Just know that. Please try to be strong.
I hope you are well and the kids are too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Thank you SO much for that, all of you. Hopeworks, that Jesus story made my morning.
I got a call last night from a friend of my AH, who is very level-headed. He said not to worry, he's watching out for him. That made me feel good, not that he's taking care of him, but the realization that he always seems to come out unscathed, and my staying up nights doesn't have any effect on him whatsoever. He's not worried about me in the slightest. I realize now that while he's tried to do these binges less often, and has, without being in active recovery, this will NEVER end. I know when he snaps out of this, he's going to beg me to move in together and swear off drinking. But I can't play naieve anymore, I know that's just not gonna happen. I have been feeding this alcohol addiction (and it IS addiction, regardless of what he and I have said all along), and he'll never get better living with me. I'd also be a mess everytime he went out, because I can't take him at his word anymore.
Last night I turned my phone off. I took the boys to the store and got ice cream. We came home and my 4-year-old said "Mommy will you play with me?" So I did that. Then we cuddled up in bed with the baby and watched cartoons. After I put them to bed, I had one glass of wine and read a magazine, and I slept really well.
I'm trying to learn not to worry and engage. I keep repeating to myself that I can't save him and it's a waste of time trying. For awhile, I felt like my marriage vows required that I do everything in my power to help him, or that I live with him so the kids have two parents. It's becoming clear how wrong that thinking is.
Thanks for listening and having patience
It's so strength-building. I'm going to my first alanon meeting Tuesday night.
I got a call last night from a friend of my AH, who is very level-headed. He said not to worry, he's watching out for him. That made me feel good, not that he's taking care of him, but the realization that he always seems to come out unscathed, and my staying up nights doesn't have any effect on him whatsoever. He's not worried about me in the slightest. I realize now that while he's tried to do these binges less often, and has, without being in active recovery, this will NEVER end. I know when he snaps out of this, he's going to beg me to move in together and swear off drinking. But I can't play naieve anymore, I know that's just not gonna happen. I have been feeding this alcohol addiction (and it IS addiction, regardless of what he and I have said all along), and he'll never get better living with me. I'd also be a mess everytime he went out, because I can't take him at his word anymore.
Last night I turned my phone off. I took the boys to the store and got ice cream. We came home and my 4-year-old said "Mommy will you play with me?" So I did that. Then we cuddled up in bed with the baby and watched cartoons. After I put them to bed, I had one glass of wine and read a magazine, and I slept really well.
I'm trying to learn not to worry and engage. I keep repeating to myself that I can't save him and it's a waste of time trying. For awhile, I felt like my marriage vows required that I do everything in my power to help him, or that I live with him so the kids have two parents. It's becoming clear how wrong that thinking is.
Thanks for listening and having patience
It's so strength-building. I'm going to my first alanon meeting Tuesday night.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I'm glad you had a good night last night. I love hanging out with my kids before bed, chilling and then having some time to myself. No matter how bad the day is, it seems I always feel better at night creating a peaceful time for me and my children.
I know your marriage vows mean a lot to you. And it's truly bizarre that honoring them right now means not helping your spouse. But that's the twisted nature of addiction. And having two parents in the house is nice under good conditions, but it is toxic when one parent is an addict. I am a single parent and I hate the term "broken family". We are not broken! We don't need fixing! My being single does not mean we can't be a happy, well-functioning family.
I know your marriage vows mean a lot to you. And it's truly bizarre that honoring them right now means not helping your spouse. But that's the twisted nature of addiction. And having two parents in the house is nice under good conditions, but it is toxic when one parent is an addict. I am a single parent and I hate the term "broken family". We are not broken! We don't need fixing! My being single does not mean we can't be a happy, well-functioning family.
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