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I think I made a mistake.

Old 06-08-2012, 07:33 PM
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I think I made a mistake.

To make a long story short...my addicted sister moved in with me a month ago because she was cheating on her boyfriend and didnt want to be with him anymore. She is 8 months sober and had no where to go (considering her fling lives many states away so couldn't move with him) so I let her move in with me and told her she had until October 1 to move out. I set some SPECIFIC boundaries but she recently relapsed and lied to me about it. She drank several times over the last couple weeks and I had my suspicions but she still lied to my face when i confronted her. She broke 2 of the boundaries I set so if i stick to them then I know she needs to go.

The problem is she literally has no where to go...no friends and no more boyfriends and I am her only family in the area. She begged me and my husband for a second chance (knowing this really would be like her 6th or 7th chance in life with Rehabs and relapses). We caved and told her if she does this again shes gone immediately and I cant help her and don't care if she has to sleep in her car. I dont want her living with me because I know she wont change even though I tell myself she can with my help because I'm her big sister and that's what we do right? I truly dont believe that anymore but the codependent part in me says I can get her on the right path.

So do I go back on giving her a second chance and give her til either her next relapse or October (whatever comes first) or do I tell her she needs to go now before it gets to that point? I will help her look for a roomas I have committed to do in order to have her out by October. I know she cannot live with me past October because I will go crazy and our already strained relationship will be destroyed and potentially my marriage as well.

Several facts I want to add: shes 35, left her 2 kids with her BF (which she barely sees), diagnosed PTSD, Bipolar, doesnt take her meds the way she should, stopped going to AA meetings, is working for the first time in 13 years, been in rehab 4 times for alcohol, prescription and illegal drugs, has become sexually promiscuious.

And yes this is the short version
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Old 06-08-2012, 08:00 PM
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Salvation Army. She has places to go. Maybe those 'places' will be a 'wake up' and maybe they won't.

She broke YOUR boundaries.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-08-2012, 08:05 PM
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You have listed several reasons why she does not deserve another chance. Until everyone and everything is out of her reach, she has no reason to change. I know it's hard, but you have your own marriage and life to take care of. She is an adult, even though she has never grown up. It's time for her to do that.
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Old 06-08-2012, 09:10 PM
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I had to completely let go of my brother before he got clean and sober. It was not until then that I experienced true peace & serenity for the first time in my life.

Let Go and Let God.
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Old 06-08-2012, 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by MySistersCodie View Post

So do I go back on giving her a second chance and give her til either her next relapse or October (whatever comes first) or do I tell her she needs to go now before it gets to that point? I will help her look for a roomas I have committed to do in order to have her out by October. I know she cannot live with me past October because I will go crazy and our already strained relationship will be destroyed and potentially my marriage as well.
You have every right to change your mind at any time about any deal you made with her. After all, she is not honoring the deal either. All bets are off. Nor should you feel obligated to "help her find a roommate"....she'll find a million reasons to decline whatever you find anyway, right?

Your husband deserves a special treat!!
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Old 06-09-2012, 05:35 AM
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IMHO she stepped on your boundry and she nees to go, now. A boundry not enforced is nothing but an idle threat and will fuel more drinking on her part.

She is an adult, she can go to the Salvation Army, you have done what you can, now it is up to her, enabling her is not the answer.
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Old 06-09-2012, 06:08 AM
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The worst thing I ever did for my XAH was giving him chance after chance after chance and not doing what I said I was going to do. I enabled him by not sticking to my boundaries and holding him accountable. That's my disease... Ms. nice Girl.

I did it because I loved him and wanted to help. But that's not help for and addict.

You've been giving some great responses. If you want to help your sister, treat her like and adult and let her deal with the consequences of HER choices.
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Old 06-09-2012, 06:24 AM
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Never let an A move into your house if they are not in honest, authentic recovery because it's not a question if they will relapse it is only a matter of WHEN will they relapse!

Her only hope to get free is to get back into recovery and take the proper meds if she is truly bipolar and if she is refusing to do those things she is doomed to fail and will run the crazy train right through your household.

A no alcohol boundary changed my life... it is highly recommended.
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Old 06-09-2012, 07:03 AM
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Have her go now.

If you wait until October, it'll be "But winter's coming....it's raining....I don't wanna move my stuff in bad weather...blah, blah, blah...."

You set a boundary. She broke it. No doubt she realized before she broke it that she had no where to go, but didn't care because she figured she could sweet-talk you into letting her stay. It doesn't matter if you change your mind - you are allowed to do that. Its your house and your rules.

This is not punishment but consequences.

I don't think anyone would want to be stuck living all winter with a moody alkie, stuck inside all day due to the weather and doing nothing more than drinking and shouting at the world.

And ditto what TJP said about the roomate. With the lifestyle you described, I don't even wanna imagine what kind of person she would think of as an acceptable roomie.
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Old 06-09-2012, 07:44 AM
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She's an adult and can find her own room, own room mate, and keep making her own decisions. I agree, stop enabling her to keep being "taken care of" and let her have her own life. Then she can decide how to live or how to not live that life. You didn't cause it, you can't control her, you can't cure her.....

I wish everyone well!
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Old 06-09-2012, 09:45 AM
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Thanks for all the advice...my brother, who is a loyal sober recovery member, tells me the same thing you all have. I just need to take that next step with her...I do believe it's not IF she relapses again but rather WHEN she relapses again and I don't want her in my house when it happens. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
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Old 06-09-2012, 10:03 AM
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It IS hard. It hurts a lot to have to do something like that. It's counterintuitive. It FEELS like the loving thing to do is to care for them the best we can. But that is NOT the loving thing to do. The loving thing is to let her go, let her be the adult she is and sink or swim on her own. If we never allow the alcoholics and addicts in our lives to take care of themselves, they never learn that it is their job to do so. The loving thing to do is honor your boundaries and let her figure out where she is going to live.
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Old 06-09-2012, 10:04 AM
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((MSC)) - Though it's already been mentioned, I wanted to emphasize this: You are not kicking her out, SHE made the choice to drink, knowing that was breaking your boundary.

When I was using, I chose homelessness. I could have easily gotten into the treatment program which helped with housing, job, etc. I could have easily come home or stayed with any number of relatives. I wanted to use, and all these places required I be in recovery.

It was only by dealing with consequence after consequence that I chose recovery. I am extremely grateful for loved ones who held on to their boundaries and gave me the dignity to live my life as I chose.

I am back living with family, thanks to the career/financial consequences of my using but the difference is I've got over 5 years in recovery and am back in school for another career. Your sister may, or may not, choose recovery at some point but it will be her choice.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 06-09-2012, 10:15 AM
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Addicts are resourceful. When my 34-year-old AD, who is temporarily living with me (I gave her a second chance after a disastrous stay 8 years ago) found out she was going to be homeless as of the end of June, she had things lined up in less than 24 hours. She will be out of my home as of Monday.

I gave her more than 5 months to get her act together. I'm done. I was no longer doing her any good, nor myself any good by allowing her to stay with me.

Sending you gentle hugs of support!
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Old 06-09-2012, 04:09 PM
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wow! how rude! she has no idea what you did for her....

but she broke your boundaries and rules...out the door she goes.....now maybe she will...
plus this is a good lesson for you in all of this too.....

get a backbone!
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Old 06-09-2012, 04:31 PM
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People respond to actions, not words. When you don't enforce boundaries it's the same thing as saying the behavior is ok. There are no consequences after all.
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