Don't know where to even start

Old 06-08-2012, 01:10 PM
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Unhappy Don't know where to even start

Hello.
I am new here. I've been creeping for the last few months but I just really would like to talk to people who understand and can give legit advice on my situation. At the very least, understanding. My husband is an alcoholic. Big surprise right?? His drinking has caused a host of other issues. He doesn't drink daily but when he does drink it becomes a 24-48 hr disapearence and sometimes 100+ dollars. This happens weekly to monthly. It has lead to our bills being behind, him being unable to finish school, not being able to hold down a job other then his enabling **** job, my ex threatening to take me back to court for custody of our kids, and has got our families at each others throats. His mom and I disagree on how to handle his drinking because we disagree on why he drinks. Hell, the last month, I have been started drinking more myself (once a week buzz to slow my mind to sleep after the kids go to bed. Not drunk, just to clarity, I have multiple gut issues and end up sick before I ever get "drunk") just to deal with it and am ashamed to admit I bought lortab on the street to calm myself one day. I usually DON'T drink. I have to much to do to not be clear minded. When he does drink, I usually GPS his phone, find his car, and take the battery out. I am a medic and have seen the devastation drinking ad driving has caused. I couldn't live with myself if I allowed that to happen despite everyone advising me to let him get caught. He has been caught before but the army got him out of it... Then we usually argue for a week after he finally decides to come home. It last until another empty attempt to "get help" from him or honestly, I get horny... Sorry, I am a bit blunt. We have done good at hiding it from the kids (ages 8, 9 [my kids] and 3 [ours together) but they are not stupid.
I have been to al-anon and don't understand it and don't agree with what I do understand. He "tried" aa but just stopped going. He refuses inpatient because he "doesn't drink everyday". He has gone to veteran counseling but I don't think that works because he had this issue before he went to Iraq so I think the wrong approach is being taken. Same story with marriage counseling. He refuses to pay for traditional, non va help. he cant take any of the anabuse type pills because he works around different forms of alcohol. *sigh* Every time he pulls his **** its a different excuse as to why.
I am just lost and don't know what to do anymore. Leaving isn't an option for several reasons. 1) I love him 2) even if I wanted to, I cant yet afford it 3) the ex threatens to take me back to court for that to and so on. I am kinda getting sick of people even recommending that. When I can, trust me, I will. I'm starting to think that is the only thing that may work, only thing I haven't tried. Either it'll work or he will kill himself drinking.
Sorry this is long. I am just so mind-****** right now and as the title says, don't even know where to start...
Beyond lost, exhausted, and frustrated
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:09 PM
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I am sorry you are having to go through this hell. Welcome to S/R. We are here to support and encourage you.

Can't give you any advice. I know what it is like to love someone that doesn't value your love. It is hard to admit that they will never do or say what you want them to do or say. Only we can say when we have had enough of not being treated as we should be treated as human beings and women; and then make the choice once and for all to let go.

Good luck

Love
Chrisy
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:26 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will continue to read and post as much as needed.

You are not alone!

While I was living with my loved ones active alcoholism, I followed the steps in a post I found here at SR. The steps helped me find a better way. I will send you the link to the post that helped me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:37 PM
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Hi JellyBean,

I am sorry you are feeling exhausted and alone. You are going to get exactly what you are getting if something doesn't change. He will continue to drink because neither one of you believes the "va counseling" would work. You don't seem to have any help for yourself because AlAnon does not agree with you. I am a recovering alcoholic with children, and I was in the Army for nine years. He refuses inpatient, and marriage counseling. He is so special there is nothing for him, so he MUST drink because that is all he can do. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? I am sorry, I am gonna be blunt too. Both of you adults with 3 children to take care of, but neither one of you is doing a damn thing to get better for those kids.
And, you are kidding yourselves if you think those kids do not know something is wrong.
I was raised by an alcoholic Army officer. When I was 7 or 8 I was asking my mother what the problem was, and she would tell me "oh beth, it's nothing." So I was raised to doubt my gut telling me something, and that has led to quite a few stupid decisions.
Two bad marriages that failed. I did not listen to my guts screaming at me not to do it.
Your ex is threatening to take the kids? I think you should take that very seriously.
My sister and ex husband decided I should not have my son, and I didn't have him from 4 years old to 16 years old when his father died and the new wife wanted to get rid of him.
If your husband is not going to do anything, then you better get to work on yourself. For one thing, stop drinking. Right now. Get counseling for yourself if Mr. I am too special" cannot get it together long enough to go. You say you love him, you can't afford to leave him, and the ex is threatening to take the kids.
change your thoughts around, 1. You love your kids and want them to stay with you. 2.) that is being threatened by your drunk husband. 3.) Get help and take care of yourself and let him handle his own problems, because that is what grown men do.

As far as getting horny, well, there are plenty of ways to take care of that too, that does not involve a drunk breathing their stink all over you when you just showered.
Get a battery operated boyfriend. Always ready. Never drunk.

Sorry for the bluntness,

Beth

PS I am on your side and the kids. Really. :ghug3
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:39 PM
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Welcome Jellybean.

You will find amazing support here.

Educating myself about addiction, changed my life. It would be well worth your time to read everything you can regarding addiction. Only after I had a clear understanding of addiction could I begin to take care of myself.

Turn the focus to you, and your kids. Do what's best for the kids and you. Your hubby is going to do whatever he damn well pleases. This my friend, is ADDICTION.

Wicked is correct, your ex is trying to get custody of your kids, because of your drunken husband's actions. Is he seriously worth sacrificing your children over????
If that is not a huge wake up call, I don't know what is.

Perhaps you could revisit Alanon, try a different location. You have alot on your plate to deal with. Just know you are not alone, we are here with you. Keep posting.
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Old 06-09-2012, 01:30 AM
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I appreciate you being blunt. I didnt come to this site to be babied.
The ex is threatening to take me back to court no matter what I do. If I stay, its because I am with a drunk. If I leave, its because im not stable, and will have to live in the ghetto again (had to as a single mom not getting child support in order to afford it all). I cant win no matter what I do with both of them.
I dont want to leave of course, but I am coming to the point where I think that will be all that works, I have started to accept that. I just finished school and am waiting to take my final test that has to be set up by the instructor. I got behind a semester because I had thyroid cancer and was not allowed to do my clinical hours. "To dangerous" but I did stay in lecture. School cant afford to pay the rep to come for one student so I have to wait till the next class finishes, kwim. When I have taken that, I will be able to get a job making enough to maintain our current lifestyle by myself. Then the ex cant say anything. He could just be tossing empty threats (which is like him, always has been) but I take those threats seriously and at this time I cant afford a lawyer, he can. Trying my best to CYA with him.
When I have a drink, it is to calm me enough to sleep. My brain is driving me CRAZY! I need my mind to just stop for a bit. I take care of everything. And work and/or am in school CONSTANTLY. I have finally reached my max with everything. I have even got on anti anxiety meds and have been suffering from "stress induced" ice pick headaches that effect the entire left side of my face. Thats why I came here. If I can just get understanding support I may not drive myself so crazy. The lortab was my "I have to do something, anything for myself" moment. *** Just to clarify!!! The lortab was during one of his bs nights. It was purchased from my brother, dont know where he gets it. It was 2 pills! I took one that night and one that morning. The last time before that was almost a year ago when my thyroid was taken out and it took me 6 months to use a 30 day supply. I am not a pill popper but this time had nothing to do with pain, hence me seeing a problem. Just wanted that claryfied.***
He is special... smdh. This last time was because he "had a bad day at work" Really??? Try working 80 hour weeks for months straight, do homework, and still manage 90% of the home stuff before you complain!!! stfu. You dont deserve your cookie for your "hard" 6 hour shift. Oh my goodness, my blood is already boiling!
lol A really good toy! Per Beth! lmao, they are better most of the time anyway right! Damn hormones! I just want to use him cause he is warmer and hid all the toys but then all those love emotions come in despite my fighting them. Olive branch subsequensly extended... smdh
Originally Posted by wicked View Post
Hi JellyBean,

I am sorry you are feeling exhausted and alone. You are going to get exactly what you are getting if something doesn't change. He will continue to drink because neither one of you believes the "va counseling" would work. You don't seem to have any help for yourself because AlAnon does not agree with you. I am a recovering alcoholic with children, and I was in the Army for nine years. He refuses inpatient, and marriage counseling. He is so special there is nothing for him, so he MUST drink because that is all he can do. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? I am sorry, I am gonna be blunt too. Both of you adults with 3 children to take care of, but neither one of you is doing a damn thing to get better for those kids.
And, you are kidding yourselves if you think those kids do not know something is wrong.
I was raised by an alcoholic Army officer. When I was 7 or 8 I was asking my mother what the problem was, and she would tell me "oh beth, it's nothing." So I was raised to doubt my gut telling me something, and that has led to quite a few stupid decisions.
Two bad marriages that failed. I did not listen to my guts screaming at me not to do it.
Your ex is threatening to take the kids? I think you should take that very seriously.
My sister and ex husband decided I should not have my son, and I didn't have him from 4 years old to 16 years old when his father died and the new wife wanted to get rid of him.
If your husband is not going to do anything, then you better get to work on yourself. For one thing, stop drinking. Right now. Get counseling for yourself if Mr. I am too special" cannot get it together long enough to go. You say you love him, you can't afford to leave him, and the ex is threatening to take the kids.
change your thoughts around, 1. You love your kids and want them to stay with you. 2.) that is being threatened by your drunk husband. 3.) Get help and take care of yourself and let him handle his own problems, because that is what grown men do.

As far as getting horny, well, there are plenty of ways to take care of that too, that does not involve a drunk breathing their stink all over you when you just showered.
Get a battery operated boyfriend. Always ready. Never drunk.

Sorry for the bluntness,

Beth

PS I am on your side and the kids. Really. :ghug3
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Old 06-09-2012, 01:38 AM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
Welcome Jellybean.

You will find amazing support here.

Educating myself about addiction, changed my life. It would be well worth your time to read everything you can regarding addiction. Only after I had a clear understanding of addiction could I begin to take care of myself.

Turn the focus to you, and your kids. Do what's best for the kids and you. Your hubby is going to do whatever he damn well pleases. This my friend, is ADDICTION.

Wicked is correct, your ex is trying to get custody of your kids, because of your drunken husband's actions. Is he seriously worth sacrificing your children over????
If that is not a huge wake up call, I don't know what is.

Perhaps you could revisit Alanon, try a different location. You have alot on your plate to deal with. Just know you are not alone, we are here with you. Keep posting.
I dont know about this site, but other sites will notify you if someone replies to your post so I thought I would clarify here to so you knew. Just a copy paste. It sounds awful the idea that I havent left him when the ex is threatening me but he is full of threats. He has even threatened it for me "never being home" when I was in school. If I ever get called into court and I know he isnt just trying to make my life miserable with constant threats, I will not hesitate to leave! Ghetto or dad here I come! Now, my family wont take me in, for that, they wouldnt hesitate!
The ex is threatening to take me back to court no matter what I do. If I stay, its because I am with a drunk. If I leave, its because im not stable, and will have to live in the ghetto again (had to as a single mom not getting child support in order to afford it all). I cant win no matter what I do with both of them.
I dont want to leave of course, but I am coming to the point where I think that will be all that works, I have started to accept that. I just finished school and am waiting to take my final test that has to be set up by the instructor. I got behind a semester because I had thyroid cancer and was not allowed to do my clinical hours. "To dangerous" but I did stay in lecture. School cant afford to pay the rep to come for one student so I have to wait till the next class finishes, kwim. When I have taken that, I will be able to get a job making enough to maintain our current lifestyle by myself. Then the ex cant say anything. He could just be tossing empty threats (which is like him, always has been) but I take those threats seriously and at this time I cant afford a lawyer, he can. Trying my best to CYA with him.
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Old 06-09-2012, 05:26 AM
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Jellybean, your post sounds exactly like me 10 years ago. I had no alcoholics in my life prior to my stb ex ah and had NO IDEA what I was up against. About 3 years ago I really began to notice that his alcoholism as well as my codependence was progressing pretty much word for word exactly as the AA and Alanon literature describes.

I wasted 10 years of my life thinking that this was something we could fix on our own if we tried hard enough.
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Old 06-09-2012, 06:54 AM
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Does the ex pay child support regularly? I'd start there. Maybe Al Anon to work on you. I'd watch the drugs and alcohol, they don't mix. By trying to quiet your mind, you sound like me, who is now a recovered alcoholic....

I wish you well!
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Old 06-09-2012, 07:07 AM
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((JellyBean)) - Welcome to SR though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

Though I didn't marry any of my XABFs, nor have kids, our stories are somewhat similar. I just want to caution you, because of what *I* did. I was stressed due to the ex's alcoholism (and codependency, in restrospect) and started drinking to "put up or keep up" with him. I was a nurse. In time, I figured a pill, here or there, would make me feel better, I'd be more able to deal with it.

I became an addict, went from opiates to crack and lost my nursing career. I was educated, thought I knew better, it would never happen to me. I am not knocking the medical profession, at all. In fact, am back in school and getting a degree in another area - one that involves no patient care. I just know, for me, the years of treating this and that with medication...somewhere along the way, it became an option for me to "treat myself" with really bad results.

SR has been a HUGE part of my recoveries - from addiction and codependency. I wish I had found it earlier.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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