Guilt guilt guilt
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
It is a disease of self, and his tears are tears of self-pity.
Breaking the cycle you have been in with him contains the seeds of hope for you both to get well.
But if you stay and renew the cycle, there is no hope. Your family will remain sick.
You are doing the right thing.
Breaking the cycle you have been in with him contains the seeds of hope for you both to get well.
But if you stay and renew the cycle, there is no hope. Your family will remain sick.
You are doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
My XAB played the same game maaaany time even when he was sober.
Once again it's all about him...not about wanting to stay with family more about not wanting his Codie to go away and have to deal with the. Big bad world all alone.
Not your problem. He needs to grow up in order to be a great father to your kids.
Once again it's all about him...not about wanting to stay with family more about not wanting his Codie to go away and have to deal with the. Big bad world all alone.
Not your problem. He needs to grow up in order to be a great father to your kids.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I separated from my AH of 16 years one year ago. At that time I told him that the drinking was a deal killer. Our four kids were being terribly affected by the toxic vibe of our home, yet they were devastated when I told them we were separating. I told AH that when he'd been sober and working a recovery program for one year, we'd talk. The whole "actions speak louder than words" thing.
A year came and went. No AA. Continued drinking. I watched the progression of his alcoholism. And sadly, there was no only no action, but not even any words. He seemed quite content to trade his family in on a quiet life in a condo, and ample drinking time. We are now going through legal separation.
So whatever you decide, set your boundaries and live by them.
A year came and went. No AA. Continued drinking. I watched the progression of his alcoholism. And sadly, there was no only no action, but not even any words. He seemed quite content to trade his family in on a quiet life in a condo, and ample drinking time. We are now going through legal separation.
So whatever you decide, set your boundaries and live by them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
New Road,
In all of our posts we all echoed the same things... take care of you and do not feel guilty for doing so.
That being said I am going to share something with you about AA and if you feel it is appropriate you could share it with your A as "something a friend who has years of experience in AA told you about the program".
A drunk will say they are "willing to go to meetings" and when they go to a meeting that is just geography. It really is just a teeny tiny baby step as most drunks have attended meetings at one time.
There are 6 levels to AA and those who achieve true recovery are fully living all levels of AA... it becomes a lifestyle and a philosophy of living.
1. Attending meetings
2. Reading and discussing AA literature
3. Getting a sponsor
4. Working the 12 steps
5. Sponsoring others
6. Service guided by the Traditions
If your A is serious about recovery it will take his undivided attention and complete dedication to his new program of recovery and life philosophy. Now he can demonstrate that he is willing to go to any lengths to become and remain sober for life by putting some rubber on the road and showing you instead of whining and crying that you aren't doing enough! Grrrrrrrrr
Most therapists who support an AA central recovery suggest 90 meetings in 90 days, getting a temporary or permanent sponsor immediately, reading, reading, reading the Big Book and applying it to their daily living.
I personally strongly suggest that your A finds a GOOD no nonsense 12 step based therapist and start unraveling himself on the couch.
If you A has depression or bipolar or other issues he may need 12 steps plus the assistance of other professionals. The 12 steps are the core of most successful life plans of those who have recovered for life.
Once he has a one year LEGIT chip I would pray about joint counseling if you like who is sober... if he makes it which statistically is unlikely.
Hope you are feeling stronger and don't let anyone guilt you! Google redemptive divorce and watch the videos (you don't have to be a Christian to understand the concept of seperation during boundary setting).
In all of our posts we all echoed the same things... take care of you and do not feel guilty for doing so.
That being said I am going to share something with you about AA and if you feel it is appropriate you could share it with your A as "something a friend who has years of experience in AA told you about the program".
A drunk will say they are "willing to go to meetings" and when they go to a meeting that is just geography. It really is just a teeny tiny baby step as most drunks have attended meetings at one time.
There are 6 levels to AA and those who achieve true recovery are fully living all levels of AA... it becomes a lifestyle and a philosophy of living.
1. Attending meetings
2. Reading and discussing AA literature
3. Getting a sponsor
4. Working the 12 steps
5. Sponsoring others
6. Service guided by the Traditions
If your A is serious about recovery it will take his undivided attention and complete dedication to his new program of recovery and life philosophy. Now he can demonstrate that he is willing to go to any lengths to become and remain sober for life by putting some rubber on the road and showing you instead of whining and crying that you aren't doing enough! Grrrrrrrrr
Most therapists who support an AA central recovery suggest 90 meetings in 90 days, getting a temporary or permanent sponsor immediately, reading, reading, reading the Big Book and applying it to their daily living.
I personally strongly suggest that your A finds a GOOD no nonsense 12 step based therapist and start unraveling himself on the couch.
If you A has depression or bipolar or other issues he may need 12 steps plus the assistance of other professionals. The 12 steps are the core of most successful life plans of those who have recovered for life.
Once he has a one year LEGIT chip I would pray about joint counseling if you like who is sober... if he makes it which statistically is unlikely.
Hope you are feeling stronger and don't let anyone guilt you! Google redemptive divorce and watch the videos (you don't have to be a Christian to understand the concept of seperation during boundary setting).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
Btdt, the 'honeymoon' periods always lured me back in, never lasted long, just long enough to keep me there longer. I finally left him last july, and while it's been hard on all of us, its been worth it. He's continued to sink further down in his addiction since i left, but i know now that its not my fault. Well, most days i know its not my fault.
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