He didn't come home- nightmares
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He didn't come home- nightmares
Well I guessed wrong last night when I thought he would stumble in at 3:30.
I shot up wide awake at 3, and he is not home at 7am yet. I eventually got a couple hours sleep, not to be confused with "rest", but I just had a terrible nightmare.
In it, he returns midmorning, tanked, with an old party buddy of his, and they are spewing venom at me. He falls and gets a bloody nose, continues to attempt to party, his friend won't take him for help for fear of getting busted for something, and the dream reveals that everything I thought about him was a lie. He laughs at me, and is hateful. At some point he's being tended to by paramedics, it gets crazy, and I woke up with my heart racing! Is this my future? Is my mind trying to tell me I can't handle the stress of the lies anymore? I was going to finally lay down some boundaries today, but I cannot do that if he doesn't come home! I hate alcohol.
I shot up wide awake at 3, and he is not home at 7am yet. I eventually got a couple hours sleep, not to be confused with "rest", but I just had a terrible nightmare.
In it, he returns midmorning, tanked, with an old party buddy of his, and they are spewing venom at me. He falls and gets a bloody nose, continues to attempt to party, his friend won't take him for help for fear of getting busted for something, and the dream reveals that everything I thought about him was a lie. He laughs at me, and is hateful. At some point he's being tended to by paramedics, it gets crazy, and I woke up with my heart racing! Is this my future? Is my mind trying to tell me I can't handle the stress of the lies anymore? I was going to finally lay down some boundaries today, but I cannot do that if he doesn't come home! I hate alcohol.
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I'm sorry you are going through this. My AX used to disappear all night and it was exhausting for me because I would barely sleep and have nightmares, too. I finally gave him the ultimatum that he quit drinking or move out of my house. Of course, he drank again two weeks later, and I ended our relationship.
Unfortunately, that was only boundary that worked for me. When your A disappears, there isn't anything you can do about it. Some people can learn to live with it, but I couldn't take the anxiety. Esp. since my AX already has two DUIs, when he left all night I never knew if he'd end up in prison, or dead, or have killed someone because he drank and drove. And I mean, blackout drunk driving.
I miss him, but I do not miss the horrible anxiety of living with a drunk. And when he disappeared to drink all night, I used to make it about him: Where is he? When will he come home? Will he get arrested? Is he spending the rent money? But then, somewhere along the line, laying there alone at night in terrible anxiety, I made it about me: I deserve better than this. If I have to be here alone, I could at least enjoy it without the misery of thinking about an alcoholic. I will not tolerate this disrespect of being abandoned for alcohol. I am going to have a happy life without this loser.
It sounds harsh, but I really don't think active alcoholics deserve an ounce of sympathy or concern from the people they hurt. After all, they don't care about what they are doing to their lives, so why should anyone else? It's in G-d's hands.
Unfortunately, that was only boundary that worked for me. When your A disappears, there isn't anything you can do about it. Some people can learn to live with it, but I couldn't take the anxiety. Esp. since my AX already has two DUIs, when he left all night I never knew if he'd end up in prison, or dead, or have killed someone because he drank and drove. And I mean, blackout drunk driving.
I miss him, but I do not miss the horrible anxiety of living with a drunk. And when he disappeared to drink all night, I used to make it about him: Where is he? When will he come home? Will he get arrested? Is he spending the rent money? But then, somewhere along the line, laying there alone at night in terrible anxiety, I made it about me: I deserve better than this. If I have to be here alone, I could at least enjoy it without the misery of thinking about an alcoholic. I will not tolerate this disrespect of being abandoned for alcohol. I am going to have a happy life without this loser.
It sounds harsh, but I really don't think active alcoholics deserve an ounce of sympathy or concern from the people they hurt. After all, they don't care about what they are doing to their lives, so why should anyone else? It's in G-d's hands.
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Thank goodness it was only a dream. Please don't confront him when he comes in from drinking all night. Wait for a better time. Give it a chance to work out as well as possible. I hate alcohol too friend. Don't put yourself thru it. Wait until an afternoon before he goes drinking. Okay?
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It's comforting to know I'm not the only one this happens to... I love SR.
Changes, I think I'm very close to the point where what you said didn't sound harsh. It's all I can think of now- the disrespect is too much! I will make it about me when I finally get to speak with him. That's going to need higher power kind of help. I'm booking an appointment to visit my church rector for some guidance this week.
I think Im going to be posting a lot over this ordeal, I don't really feel ready yet, but my feelings may never catch up to the reality of he anxiety and stress.
Thanks in advance to all of you- I need all the help I can get!
Changes, I think I'm very close to the point where what you said didn't sound harsh. It's all I can think of now- the disrespect is too much! I will make it about me when I finally get to speak with him. That's going to need higher power kind of help. I'm booking an appointment to visit my church rector for some guidance this week.
I think Im going to be posting a lot over this ordeal, I don't really feel ready yet, but my feelings may never catch up to the reality of he anxiety and stress.
Thanks in advance to all of you- I need all the help I can get!
You don't need him to be anywhere around to make boundaries. Boundaries are for YOU, not him. Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that you identify for yourself as to what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around you and how you will respond when someone steps outside those limits.
((AA))
those are long, painful nites ~ i remember them ~ hate that you are going thru this
I agree with the suggestion of not trying to talk to him when he does finally come home ~ he probably won't be in the best shape to try to have a respectful conversation.
For me ~ journaling some of my thoughts, ways I wanted to live, things I was unable to live with, behaviors I couldn't tolerate & actions I was willing to take ~ helped me clear my mind. Then when I was able to have the conversation with my now ex ah ~ I felt calm and compossed.
I learned the main thing was to say what I mean, mean what I say, but not say it mean ~ regardless of anyone's actions ~ It ensures my self-respect when I treat others with dignity and self-respect.
I do pray your BF is ok and comes home soon ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
those are long, painful nites ~ i remember them ~ hate that you are going thru this
I agree with the suggestion of not trying to talk to him when he does finally come home ~ he probably won't be in the best shape to try to have a respectful conversation.
For me ~ journaling some of my thoughts, ways I wanted to live, things I was unable to live with, behaviors I couldn't tolerate & actions I was willing to take ~ helped me clear my mind. Then when I was able to have the conversation with my now ex ah ~ I felt calm and compossed.
I learned the main thing was to say what I mean, mean what I say, but not say it mean ~ regardless of anyone's actions ~ It ensures my self-respect when I treat others with dignity and self-respect.
I do pray your BF is ok and comes home soon ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Sorry you are going through this.
I wrote a long post about redemptive divorce but then read another post of yours. I know it hurts just as much whether we are married or not but it makes it simpler if we are not legally tied to the alcoholic.
Is he your boyfriend or husband?
I wrote a long post about redemptive divorce but then read another post of yours. I know it hurts just as much whether we are married or not but it makes it simpler if we are not legally tied to the alcoholic.
Is he your boyfriend or husband?
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The ABF and were never married, but have lived together for 13years now- this means he could legally claim common law spouse status here. And for 9 of those years I lived with a lovely sober version of him, so I didn't put any precautions in place when I purchased the apartment we now live in. I had always trusted him, and just never predicted alcohol would get him again - and didn't know how ugly that would be.
It's almost 9:30, he's still not home
I'm starting to panic. Today is going to be a long day.
It's almost 9:30, he's still not home
I'm starting to panic. Today is going to be a long day.
Also sorry that you are going through this. I went through this too many times to count. Also found out that there is not good time to talk about boundaries, because guess what, this isn't about boundaries, it's about common courtesy.
Would you even think about staying out all night, without giving him a call, or answering your phone? I know I wouldn't.
The first time my ex did this to me, came out of the blue. I went to get my hair cut, but before I left, he had started raging about something, I handled it as calmly as possible, thought everything was ok, and left for haircut. I came back, and he disappeared. I called him to see where he was, and when he would be home, because it was a holiday weekend, and I thought we could do something. He wouldn't answer the phone. He came back 3 days later, and he told me that he did that to punish me for raging at him. (Projection??????)
He then increased this, until he was disappearing for 2 months at a time. The last time he tried to do this to me was 12/31/08. He called this time to tell me that he would not be home that night, and I told him that was fine with me, since I had already left, and wasn't coming back. And I didn't.
Dreams ---- I had a lot of them. I had this recurring dream that there was this cliff, and I was standing on a ledge that protruded from it. The day was very dark, looked like a storm was coming in, then the ledge that I was standing on kept getting smaller and smaller. I knew I had to do something, but what? Jump? I couldn't do that, I was afraid of heights. I had no choice, the ledge completely disappeared. I landed on the sand, on a beach, the sun was out. People were all around, and they were happy, and enjoying themselves.
That's when I knew that I had to make changes in my life.
This was my story, I don't know if it helped you any. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Would you even think about staying out all night, without giving him a call, or answering your phone? I know I wouldn't.
The first time my ex did this to me, came out of the blue. I went to get my hair cut, but before I left, he had started raging about something, I handled it as calmly as possible, thought everything was ok, and left for haircut. I came back, and he disappeared. I called him to see where he was, and when he would be home, because it was a holiday weekend, and I thought we could do something. He wouldn't answer the phone. He came back 3 days later, and he told me that he did that to punish me for raging at him. (Projection??????)
He then increased this, until he was disappearing for 2 months at a time. The last time he tried to do this to me was 12/31/08. He called this time to tell me that he would not be home that night, and I told him that was fine with me, since I had already left, and wasn't coming back. And I didn't.
Dreams ---- I had a lot of them. I had this recurring dream that there was this cliff, and I was standing on a ledge that protruded from it. The day was very dark, looked like a storm was coming in, then the ledge that I was standing on kept getting smaller and smaller. I knew I had to do something, but what? Jump? I couldn't do that, I was afraid of heights. I had no choice, the ledge completely disappeared. I landed on the sand, on a beach, the sun was out. People were all around, and they were happy, and enjoying themselves.
That's when I knew that I had to make changes in my life.
This was my story, I don't know if it helped you any. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
My ex would do the same thing..however...he wasn't just drinking he was using crack too. Your bf's behavior and esculating disappearing acts may involve more than just alcohol.
The first few times my ex went out I didn't sleep, then I thought...how dumb...my staying awake wasn't going to change a thing, he'd either make it home or he wouldn't.
So, to sleep I went.
Once I found out that he was on crack, I tossed him out like a hot potato, there was no future with him and I was done, been 4 years, I made the right decision for me. I had
bounderies, he crossed them.
You might want to seek some therapy in dealing with your abandoment issues, I live by myself, I am alone, yet never lonely.
The first few times my ex went out I didn't sleep, then I thought...how dumb...my staying awake wasn't going to change a thing, he'd either make it home or he wouldn't.
So, to sleep I went.
Once I found out that he was on crack, I tossed him out like a hot potato, there was no future with him and I was done, been 4 years, I made the right decision for me. I had
bounderies, he crossed them.
You might want to seek some therapy in dealing with your abandoment issues, I live by myself, I am alone, yet never lonely.
I was going to finally lay down some boundaries today, but I cannot do that if he doesn't come home!
What you are describing are rules and ultimatums, which are use to try and control someone else's behavior. They never worked for me and in my case usually lead to big fights.
Boundaries are what I set up to protect myself. For example. If someone is drinking to excess I will remove myself from them until they are sober again, or I will not try to talk to my AW when she is drinking , or I will not ride in a car with a driver who has had anything to drink. Boundaries are what I use to keep me safe and sane and are not used to try and control anyone else's behavior.
I hope this helps.
Your friend,
.....And when he disappeared to drink all night, I used to make it about him: Where is he? When will he come home? Will he get arrested? Is he spending the rent money? But then, somewhere along the line, laying there alone at night in terrible anxiety, I made it about me: I deserve better than this. If I have to be here alone, I could at least enjoy it without the misery of thinking about an alcoholic. I will not tolerate this disrespect of being abandoned for alcohol. I am going to have a happy life without this loser.
It sounds harsh, but I really don't think active alcoholics deserve an ounce of sympathy or concern from the people they hurt. After all, they don't care about what they are doing to their lives, so why should anyone else? It's in G-d's hands.....
It sounds harsh, but I really don't think active alcoholics deserve an ounce of sympathy or concern from the people they hurt. After all, they don't care about what they are doing to their lives, so why should anyone else? It's in G-d's hands.....
I remember those nights so clearly that the pit of stomach still rolls when I think back to it. (it hasn't been too very long since it's stopped really) The ONLY thing it was good for was that it forced me to deal with detachment because it was either that or decide to let it eat away parts of me. Being a stressed-out, mushy-brained, sleepless shell of an emotional wreck wasn't helping anyone & only seemed to anger my AH more somehow.
I started a mantra for those nights when sleep wouldn't come because he'd pulled a disappearing act, and repeat it over & over again while I did some deep breathing exercises. "I am not responsible for his actions, I am responsible for mine." It helped me to detach & start rebuilding on myself again.
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Well I guess I still need to work on the whole boundaries concept- it appears to still focus on his behaviour and not mine. I obviously cant handle this vanishing thing very well- i got 2 hours sleep, and am wondering when I should consider a missing persons report.
So, if saying that I don't accept being ignored is an ultimatum that will only cause a fight, am I saying that my next move is to ask him to leave? Is that saying, go ahead and stay out without calling, but do it from your own apartment? I suppose if it happened to someone in a movie, I would be yelling at the screen for her to get away....
So, if saying that I don't accept being ignored is an ultimatum that will only cause a fight, am I saying that my next move is to ask him to leave? Is that saying, go ahead and stay out without calling, but do it from your own apartment? I suppose if it happened to someone in a movie, I would be yelling at the screen for her to get away....
So, if saying that I don't accept being ignored is an ultimatum that will only cause a figh
If you look at it differently it could be something like, if I am around people who ignore me I will do .... Now it's totally about you and has nothing to do with him.
Your friend,
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I know exactly how you are feeling and am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I used to not be able to sleep or wake up every few hours and feel sick when I saw the empty bed next to me confirming he wasn't home. It started him getting back 1am or 2am, where he could at least wake up hungover and go to work and I'd get some sleep. I too was outraged by how inconsiderate it was. At this point, I hadn't worked out it was alcoholism.
It took me a long time - initially they were very rare so I excused them somehow, stress, whatever. My XABF first went AWOL on a weekend break we were on in a foreign city. We went out for dinner, then drinks and dancing at a club. We came back to our hotel around 2am and had a minor argument that we then resolved, or so I thought. We were both a little worse for wear but this was before I realised the problem he had. He went round the corner to 'get a bottle of water' and didn't come back to the hotel until 11am. I was a wreck, I had told the hotel receptionist and they were about to call the police.
More recently he had a relapse after a dry period and arrived home at 6am and the weekend was written off. I eventually asked him to move out after a few weeks later he drank on our 'last ditch attempt to save our relationship' holiday as I'd called it in my head.... and with great sadness, I ended our relationship a few weeks ago. I couldn't detach from his behaviour as much as I wanted to and tried.
He moved out this weekend and I am finding it very hard as I still love him very much and feel it is such a waste. But, like others who have posted here, I may be on my own in my flat, missing him, but even at the lowest moment it is better than that sick feeling. Nothing is more lonely than being in that situation but you aren't alone.
I don't know what your situation is, whether you work or have children, but your health is so important, as is your sanity. He isn't thinking of the effects of his behaviour on you as he is wrapped up in himself and his relationship with alcohol which is sadly taking priority. You may be able to work on detaching better than I could but if not, you need to decide what you can cope with.
I'm not suggesting you leave, as no one could have told me to leave my XABF even a couple of months ago. It felt like abandonment and felt like it woudl cause me more pain than the drinking. But eventually the balance tipped the other way and the pain of not being with him is more bearable than the pain of living with him while he drinks.
What helped me with my deciison to leave, if that is the way you decide to go, is I feel I have done the best thing for me, and quite possibly the best thing for him. If we had stayed together, I would have gone mad, become ill, lost my job and he wouldn't have had an incentive to get well. He may still not get well on his own, but at least I will have saved me.
I hope some clarity comes to you soon so you can make the right decision for you and wish you peace of mind in the meantime x
It took me a long time - initially they were very rare so I excused them somehow, stress, whatever. My XABF first went AWOL on a weekend break we were on in a foreign city. We went out for dinner, then drinks and dancing at a club. We came back to our hotel around 2am and had a minor argument that we then resolved, or so I thought. We were both a little worse for wear but this was before I realised the problem he had. He went round the corner to 'get a bottle of water' and didn't come back to the hotel until 11am. I was a wreck, I had told the hotel receptionist and they were about to call the police.
More recently he had a relapse after a dry period and arrived home at 6am and the weekend was written off. I eventually asked him to move out after a few weeks later he drank on our 'last ditch attempt to save our relationship' holiday as I'd called it in my head.... and with great sadness, I ended our relationship a few weeks ago. I couldn't detach from his behaviour as much as I wanted to and tried.
He moved out this weekend and I am finding it very hard as I still love him very much and feel it is such a waste. But, like others who have posted here, I may be on my own in my flat, missing him, but even at the lowest moment it is better than that sick feeling. Nothing is more lonely than being in that situation but you aren't alone.
I don't know what your situation is, whether you work or have children, but your health is so important, as is your sanity. He isn't thinking of the effects of his behaviour on you as he is wrapped up in himself and his relationship with alcohol which is sadly taking priority. You may be able to work on detaching better than I could but if not, you need to decide what you can cope with.
I'm not suggesting you leave, as no one could have told me to leave my XABF even a couple of months ago. It felt like abandonment and felt like it woudl cause me more pain than the drinking. But eventually the balance tipped the other way and the pain of not being with him is more bearable than the pain of living with him while he drinks.
What helped me with my deciison to leave, if that is the way you decide to go, is I feel I have done the best thing for me, and quite possibly the best thing for him. If we had stayed together, I would have gone mad, become ill, lost my job and he wouldn't have had an incentive to get well. He may still not get well on his own, but at least I will have saved me.
I hope some clarity comes to you soon so you can make the right decision for you and wish you peace of mind in the meantime x
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I am so depressed. 3:30-still not home. I am currently on a leave from my full time job, so all I have are a few hours work per week, plus school one night.
He's never been away this long! When he had previously stayed out all night, he said a friend came into town(a known alcoholic and pot user), and rented a hotel room.
2 weeks ago this friend was here again, though he came home at 3:30 am and went out again and met him again at 11am for brunch! Then, he waited for his out of town bus with him, and tada it was 3pm! I believed him.
I met fellow unemployed ex coworkers for lunch, neither of them have issues being alone, so I must have abandonment issues to deal with as well as Codie.
Seriously, do I need to report him missing soon?
He's never been away this long! When he had previously stayed out all night, he said a friend came into town(a known alcoholic and pot user), and rented a hotel room.
2 weeks ago this friend was here again, though he came home at 3:30 am and went out again and met him again at 11am for brunch! Then, he waited for his out of town bus with him, and tada it was 3pm! I believed him.
I met fellow unemployed ex coworkers for lunch, neither of them have issues being alone, so I must have abandonment issues to deal with as well as Codie.
Seriously, do I need to report him missing soon?
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Can you go to a friend's? Stay somewhere else? He is probably fine, but drunk somewhere. What can you do by worrying? Staying at home waiting for him is just making you stressed. If there is a friend or relative you can go to and just try and switch off until you are ready to go home, that might help. That might be a boundary you set - you are not prepared to sit at home worrying about him anymore. Get up and leave, even if it's for 24 hours.
If you feel better reporting him missing to the police, then do it, but from my experience, the fear of what would happen to him was always worse than the reality.
If you feel better reporting him missing to the police, then do it, but from my experience, the fear of what would happen to him was always worse than the reality.
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Those nights are like torture. I had to admit it but I got used to them eventually, I could lock the doors and windows, close all the blinds (so he couldnt get in/look in without me knowing) and get some sleep. If it was heading towards 2 or 3 days I would get worried, otherwise no. Don't be me. You don't have to live this way, there is auch better, more peaceful way to live. This isn't your abandonment issues, this is your partner disappearing all night, don't minimise.
Either an affair or drugs...not just alcohol. He is not missiing, he is just out doing his thing. You are not his priority, someone or something else is.
However, if you are going to worry yourself to death, call the police, I think that he will have to be missing for 48 hours or longer before they will do anything.
However, if you are going to worry yourself to death, call the police, I think that he will have to be missing for 48 hours or longer before they will do anything.
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