NewbieJ

Soooo after the violent episode last week, with the police call (he left during and was not here when they came) AH was in a hotel last week, then went away on business. Came back to the apt unannounced, though he had said he "may" come back on a certain day. Would have appreciated the courtesy of a text or call to let me know.

He was supposedly desperate to spend any amount of time with me, misses me, etc. He says he is already looking into psychiatric help, and will also seek counseling and take meds. He has also stopped drinking the past week or so, he says.

I took the bait and responded to an apology email from him, then he replied to my response, and now I'm finding it ridiculous that we need to e-mail each other instead of TALKING. I am especially upset - but not surprised - that he seems to have that definite abusive mentality where my feelings are invalidated and he is never wrong. He has not come home tonight yet from work, and I fear he is back out there, figuring what the hell, she doesn't want to see me anyway.

Here I am already thinking that it's just really time to be done, but not knowing how I really feel about him anymore. And yet, him not coming home is making me anxious as hell. Why is that? Didn't take long for him to give up.

suki44883

This man has been physically abusive to you on more than one occasion. Did you drop the charges from the last time? Are you willing to go through all of that again, and again?

What will it take for you to realize that you don't deserve someone who smacks you around? The man needs major help and quitting drinking is only the very beginning. Please get away and stay away from this guy.

dollydo

"Didn't take long for him to give up."

Actually to me you are the one who has given up..your power...he physically abused you last week and you are welcoming him back with open arms...this does not compute, why?

What are you doing for you? Going to meetings? Have you read Codependent No More?

amy55

Please check out Stockholm Syndrome, in relation to Battered Wife Syndrome

My ex was also physically abusive to me. I had lived with him for 25 years, it didn't happen often, but it happened. At times the emotional abuse was so bad that I wanted him to hit me just so that the fight would end already.

He always did the same thing that your AH is doing now, would call apologize, cry that he couldn't be without me, he would cancel his appt with his lawyer (yes, he was always divorcing me), he would go to therapy, would get a medication evaluation, would do any thing that I said I wanted him to do, he loved me soooooooo much, and didn't want to lose me. What a bunch of BS.

He actually would go to therapy, never lasted long. The longest period of time that he restrained himself from being abusive was 2 months. Don't believe him.

Don't drop the charges, his record of domestic abuse and violence really helped me in my divorce case.

((((((((hugs))))))))

Chrisy

You have gotten some really good responses. I will share with them in encouraging you to get away from him now.

My ex, was very abusive and I still have neck/shoulder injuries that haven't been fixed yet. I have that pain to always remind me of him. He was charming when I first met him on the computer. He loved books and talked me into moving to Oregon to be with him in 3 months. Only to find once I was there that everything he told me was a lie. Mine didn't drink, mine was a Christian Idenitiy Pastor and found myself in a cult like the cult of the Morman cult in AZ and TX where the women and children are virtual slaves without any rights. It was HELL on earth. I escaped. It doesn't get any better and once they start hitting you, abusing you physicaly, emotionally, verbally, and mentally it is time to leave.

I came to see that I had three choices. To stay and submit to the HELL, to leave, or to stay and let him kill me at some point when he got angry at me because I would not submit to his strange teachings.

You must put your safety first. It is hard to leave, because they lie and tell you all these evil and bad things will happen to you. Mine said if I left, God would punish me and strike me dead with cancer. I left 12 years ago and I am still alive. They don't want to loose control, but the best thing I ever did was to escape and leave him.

Good luck and please don't let him control you anymore.

Love and Blessings
Chrisy

GettingBy

The Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde dance was a standard in my alcoholic marriage. My XAH would get drunk, do something deplorable/abusive/disrespectful... He could be (hell, still is!) the nastiest person on the face of the earth. It would be followed up by the silent treatment, then maybe some emails or texts...and then, if I was lucky, some half-baked apology so that I would get sucked back in... Because "this time is different. This time he gets it... He's really sorry now and sees just how much he's hurting me."

Nope. Never really changed because I never really set boundaries on what I would and wouldn't accept. Our dance did finally stop... Not because he got better... Because I changed.

Oh yeah, and I work really hard at not shaming or blaming myself anymore... Doesn't do me a bit of good. And usually gave him a perfect opportunity to use me as a scape goat.

NewbieJ

There is no stockholm syndrome - I do not identify with him or sympathize for his actions. And I have hardly welcomed him back at all - we are in separate rooms, i do nothing for him and until he goes to abuse counseling I am keeping it that way. I have already told him that drinking does not cause the abuse (though it seems to have something to do with it, it is not the cause).

Though I am here physically, mentally and emotionally I am preparing for divorce. We just moved here from out of state 2 mo ago, there are steps to take, and I am also on our lease. Also I just started abuse counseling myself.

NewbieJ

Dollydo - As for what I am doing for me, I meant to add that I attend Al Anon every morning, am reading "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry & Controlling Men", along with CAL, and have started abuse counseling for myself.

Windmills

Unfortunately it's very common for abusive men to tell you everything they know you want/need to hear. Watch his actions, ignore his words and take care of yourself.

NewbieJ

Thank you all. Yes Windmills, you are completely right. Despite his "remorse" and crying about how much he missed me, I was waiting for him to go back to his old self. Unfortunately it seems all that emotion was just because he was in a hotel and not comfy at our apt, because now he is practicing moderate drinking and just last night said things straight out of the Bancroft book (such as me cooking his breakfast is one of my responsibilities). We finally did open a joint account this morning, but regardless, it won't serve me for very long as I feel like the wool has been ripped away from my eyes and I can finally see.

dollydo

" We finally did open a joint account this morning"

Why would you do that?

Windmills

I had more than enough trouble keeping my ex out of my own account without opening a joint that he could get to whenever he felt like it!

chronsweet

I am confused.

Why open a joint account with him? If you are truly trying to get away from him once the lease is up, having money tangled up in a joint account seems counter-intuitive. Also, a joint account, to me anyways, represents solidarity.